The man grunted as he pulled out the pins in my hair, letting the dark locks fall down my back. “I think any cut shorter than your shoulders is going to be obvious you’ve gotten it cut.”
I swallowed compulsively as he picked up a pair of scissors and took the first cut.
Can’t turn back now.
I watched as the barber cut off all my hair and tried not to cry. It was a shock to my system to see my hair so short. It tickled my jaw and after I had paid, I couldn’t help from touching it every couple of seconds. There was almost nothing there to touch.
Mama would have kittens when she saw me.
I nearly stopped in my tracks.
Mama.
Dread and fear filled me as I forced my feet to keep moving forward. I hadnt thought of her at all. What was she going to say? How was she going to react? But then I shrugged it off.
This was what I wanted, just like Carnegie Hall. And in any case, I began to realize just how many girls had their hair bobbed as I made my way back home. It was as if I was in on some sort of secret now, more so when the girls I would pass met my eyes and smiled at me.
I was like Mimi now. I was like the flappers. I was a flapper. Or I would be... soon.
Chapter 5
With every step closer to home I took, my heart raced faster and faster, my quaked, and my breath came in short, sharp gasps. Fear of what my mother would say, of how she would react and look at me was making my footsteps falter and shuffle across the sidewalk. I knew exactly how she felt about flappers, about their short hair and scandalous fashions, and there I would be, bold as brass, with my own hair sheared off.
Taking a deep breath, I braced myself then pushed the door open and let myself inside.
“Mama?” I called out, dropping my shopping by the door before I pulled off my coat and hat. “Danielle?”
“In the kitchen, lass,” came Danielle’s response.
With great trepidation, I picked up my shopping and deposited it by the stairs before heading for the kitchen where I stopped in the doorway and watched Danielle and Mrs. Brandt, the cook, work.
Danielle stood with her back to me, chopping something while Mrs. Brandt busied herself with the dishes.
“Where’s Mama?” I asked, careful to keep my voice casual.
“She went out earlier,” Danielle answered. “She said something about a lunch wi’ an old friend. I reckon she’ll be home soon, lass, don’t ye worry.”
“I wasn’t.” I stepped fully into the kitchen, resisting the urge to touch my hair again and, instead, crossed my arms over my chest and waited for her to see me.
“What did ye do today?” Danielle asked, still with her back to me.
“A little shopping...” My mouth went dry and it was hard to swallow the lump in my throat as I added, “And got my hair cut.”
Danielle straightened slowly and Mrs. Brandt turned away from her dishes, her eyes wide with wonder as she stared openly at my hair.
Mrs. Brandt’s mouth fell open as Danielle turned round slowly to face me.
“Oh, Miss Hazel, what did you do?” Danielle asked softly, putting her knife on the table and stepping towards me. Her hand was outstretched and she just barely brushed her hands over the shorn locks. “Mrs. MacClare will be furious when she sees ye.”
I shrugged, trying and failing to make it appear careless.
“I wanted to try it,” I replied with a forced smile. “And anyway, it’s done now. It’s only hair, after all. It’ll grow back.”
But Danielle didn’t look so sure and now I was suddenly worrying that perhaps I had miscalculated and Mama would throw me out.
“You’d best figure out how you’re going to tell her,” she advised me just as the front door opened and my mother called out for me.
With a wry grin and my heart leaping into my throat, I said, “I don’t suppose I have time for that now, do I?”
Danielle chewed the inside of her cheek, clearly worried, but I told her to go back to her chopping and then, without giving myself time to fret, I went out to greet my mother.
She wasn’t looking at me. She was too busy peering into the boxes of dresses.
Pulling out the emerald and gold one, she appraised it critically.
“This is awfully short, don’t you think?” she asked, keeping her tone light as she held it up.
“I suppose,” I replied, tense as I waited for her to finally see me. “But I liked it too much to leave it.”
“It’s pretty,” Mama allowed with sigh before replacing it in the box. Then, finally, she lifted her eyes to me and they went wide, first with shock, then narrowed with rage.
I couldn’t speak. I was too scared now. How could I have been so reckless and foolish?
Mama’s face paled then, gradually, turned an ugly shade of red as her rage built up. Her mouth dropped open slightly and I watched her ball her hands into fists at her side.
Then she gave herself a tiny shake, as if to rid herself of her anger, and closed her mouth, narrowing her eyes at me.
“I wanted a change,” I said quickly before she could muster up her full rage. I was certain Danielle and Mrs. Brandt were eager to see me get flayed alive and I didn’t blame them. I was stupid. “And it’ll grow back.”
Mama pressed her lips into a thin, angry line.
“Hazel Ruth MacClare,” she said coldly, “what in God’s name were you thinking?”
“It won’t be forever!” I insisted, stepping forward, eager to keep her calm.
Mama’s eyes shifted to a point over my shoulder and I heard fast steps retreating, which confirmed my suspicions that Danielle and Mrs. Brandt were listening in.
“How can you be seen in public now?” she demanded, stepping closer. I unconsciously took a half-step back. “And what about your concert? It won’t be grown out by then! Mr. Carrow won’t have you on his stage with you looking like this.”
I bit my lower lip, thinking.
Honestly, I hadn’t considered the Hall or the concert when I decided to cut my hair. I wasn’t even entirely sure I wanted to perform at all anymore. The Hammerklavier was proving too difficult and I wasn’t the sort of person to simply choose an easier piece. I was losing patience with the sonata and, in the process, felt my passion get leeched from me the longer it took me to learn it.
“They’ll just have to accept it,” I said simply, “or they’ll turn me away.” Please just turn me away. I don’t want to do it anymore.
Mama glared at me and I felt myself shrinking under her fury. I had never once in my life seen her so angry and I had certainly never been the cause of any anger so strong. She may have been frustrated with me, but never furious. I knew that I would not be getting off as easily as I had so foolishly hoped I would be. Mama was livid with me.
“I just wanted to see what all the fuss was about,” I hastily added as Mama crossed the hall to the sitting room. I followed after her and watched as she moved over to her chair, but she didn’t sit in it. Instead, she stood behind it, facing me and making the chair act almost like a shield between the two of us while she glowered at me. “It’ll grow back, Mama, I promise.”
“Hazel, you don’t understand.” She sighed then and I inched closer. “When Mr. Carrow agreed to let you have your moment on stage, he had accepted a well-bred, acceptable young lady from a good family. But now you’ve gone and cut off your hair, bought shorter dresses and I saw the rouge in one of the bags. Don’t think I’m going to let you get away with going out with Mimi to those speakeasies I know you go to. Mr. Carrow won’t let you come back. You’ll taint the Hall’s reputation.”
I was stuck on her previous sentence about speakeasies. How did she know? Did John Townsend tell her? Little rat, I thought viciously. Did he give himself away, too?
“I had thought it would pass,” Mama said angrily, her hands clenched on the back of her chair. “I had hoped that you would be the smart, sensible daughter I raised. Mimi is trouble, Hazel, and I don’t want you around her at all
if this is what she’s exposing you to.”
“You have no idea how many of your own friends go to those clubs,” I said in a low, angry voice. “There are a great many people that we both know who sit next to me and dance beside me. It’s only you, Mama, who won’t go to them.”
“Just because you know the patrons doesn’t make it alright,” Mama snapped and I shut my mouth with an audible snap. “What if the police raided it and you were caught? You would get thrown into prison! You would have a record for the rest of your life—a criminal record! Do you want that? You would cause scandal to fall on this house and it would follow you for the rest of your life. How do you expect to get yourself a decent husband if you go out to clubs and get arrested?”
Now I rolled my eyes. I couldn’t help it. I should have known that she would have played the marriage card at some point.
“This is like the days of your courtship with Papa,” I reminded her, careful to keep my voice level. “Men don’t care as much about scandal as they used to.”
“They do,” Mama snarled. “And if you don’t start behaving like a proper young lady, you may find yourself on the streets.”
Ice filled my limbs as her words sank in.
She would disown me.
“You wouldn’t,” I gasped.
“Oh, I would,” she said and I stood rooted to the spot. “Do you think I would allow you to live under my roof while you went about the city, dressed as a whore?”
I felt my face grow warm and I stiffened.
“A whore?” My voice was trembling, not with fear but with suppressed rage. “You think I’m a whore?”
Mama lifted her chin slightly.
“Getting my hair cut does not mean a thing,” I retorted. “It’s only hair. It’ll grow back, Mama.”
The telephone rang shrilly in the hall beyond and as Mama and I glared at one another, Danielle popped her head in, anxious as she looked between the two of us.
“The telephone, madam,” Danielle said and Mama nodded once to her before turning back to me.
“You can go an evening without supper,” she said to me and my lips pursed in quiet anger. “Now go away. I don’t want to see you anymore tonight. We’ll discuss this more tomorrow.”
We will not. I darted up to my room and slammed my door shut, leaning against it for a moment, breathing heavily as bitter tears welled in my eyes.
Who was Mama to tell me what I could or could not do with my hair? It had nothing to do with her and everything to do with me and who I was becoming. I wasn’t some little girl anymore who sat at a piano all day and played until her hands ached and her body sagged from exhaustion. I didn’t even have the same dreams that I did even a year ago.
For all my hopes of playing on stage at Carnegie Hall, the thought repelled me now. I couldn’t understand for the life of me why I thought that was what I wanted most in the world. I couldn’t even stand to look at the piano anymore, let alone sit down and play.
I placed all the blame solely on my stupidity at choosing the sonata that I knew was well beyond my abilities. But I had wanted to impress, to prove that I had belonged on that stage.
Giving a small shake of my head, I quickly looked about my room and saw, to my pleasure, that Danielle had brought up my shopping. Most likely, I thought as I moved over to where they sat next to my vanity, while Mama was yelling at me.
The thought made my blood boil again and I closed my eyes, taking deep, calming breaths before I began my deliberations on what dress I was going to wear that evening.
Because I was going to go out and see Mimi. I had cut my hair and I was going to practice my makeup until I got it mostly right. I wanted to show off to her that I was just like her now.
The more I practiced applying the mascara and lipstick, the better it all looked. I had rouged my cheeks a little too much, so I had rounder cheeks than usual, but everything else looked almost as if Mimi herself had done it. The only thing I didn’t do was thin my eyebrows out to thin lines over my eyes. I hated how it all looked and I preferred my thicker brows.
Donning the pale pink dress with sequins, I slipped into my shoes, smoothed down at stray hairs and flashed myself a smile in the mirror before I crept to my door and peered out into the dimly lit hall beyond.
Mama had already sat down to supper, so I knew I had a small window in which I could sneak out. And Mimi wouldn’t mind being surprised. She liked surprises and I knew seeing me would be a great one.
I had only just reached the door when Danielle stepped into the hall and caught my eye.
She tilted her head to the side, eyeing me with curiosity as I stared back, my eyes pleading.
To my immense relief, she jerked her head at me then moved into the dining room where Mama still was, saying, “Mrs. Brandt will have dessert out in a few minutes.”
“Very good,” Mama said.
Pulling my coat on, I had my hand on the doorknob when I heard Danielle ask, “Will ye really disown Miss Hazel, madam?”
I heard Mama sigh and I stilled, listening keenly for her response.
“She’s testing me,” Mama said, sounding tired. “That Mimi is no good, but Hazel’s got so few friends that I don’t feel right telling her to stay away.”
“She’s too headstrong fer that,” Danielle said with a chuckle.
“Indeed she is.” I heard Mama sigh loudly. “But what am I going to do with her? She’s turning into one of those dreadful flappers. The next thing I know, she’ll be just like Mimi’s sister and I’ll have to send Hazel out to the countryside because of an ‘illness’.”
I heard the quotations in Mama’s words and my brow furrowed deeply.
“I dinna think Miss Hazel would do that,” Danielle said.
“Oh, I don’t know,” Mama replied. “These women these days have such loose morals, it’s hardly surprising that my own daughter fell prey to it all.”
“I think Miss Hazel just likes the music,” Danielle suggested and I could almost see Mama roll her eyes.
A cold breeze was circling around my legs, making me shiver, but I stayed where I was, listening.
“Perhaps,” Mama said, sighing again. “But when you make something forbidden, having it makes it that much sweeter.”
“Ye think she’s drinking?” Danielle wondered.
“I do.”
“But Miss Hazel is too sensible for all that, madam,” Danielle said reassuringly.
“Is she? I’m not so sure.”
I slipped out of the house and darted down the steps. The sun was staining the sky purple and red and stars were beginning to pop up as I made my way to Mimi’s house.
When I approached her house, I saw her standing on the steps of her house, a dark-skinned man standing near her. They were speaking in low voices and as I got closer, the man glanced nervously towards me then back to Mimi, who, for once, did not take any notice of me.
“I said I’ll be back,” she was saying as I drew up to her. “Now go.”
The man nodded once, shot me an anxious look, then disappeared into a shiny, black car before speeding off.
Mimi turned to me and smiled dazzlingly at me as she took in my appearance.
“Golly, Hazel! You look wonderful!” she exclaimed, reaching for me though she kept me at a slight distance to get a better look. “I doubt I could have done any better. And your dress is gorgeous.” Then she finally lifted a hand and touched the ends of my hair softly. “And I love your hair.”
I looked her over, clad in a red dress and an ornately designed gold headband.
“Speak for yourself,” I replied and she laughed as she looped her arm through mine.
“I take it you are looking to have a fabulous night?” she asked me as she led the way to Park Avenue.
“I am.” I tried not to think of my mother’s threats and forced my lips to curve upwards in a smile.
“Well, we’ll have a marvelous time,” Mimi assured me. “We’ll have plenty of partners to dance the night away with.”
/>
“Right.” I looked down at the sidewalk.
“I’m sure Frankie will be there,” Mimi said consolingly and I looked up hopefully. “I tell you, he always looks for you when he sees me.”
I felt my stomach flutter at her words and I bit my lower lip in an effort to hide my smile.
“Well, I do have to admit that I’m kind of hoping he’ll be there,” I confessed somewhat shyly.
“Oh, I’m sure he will be,” Mimi said dismissively. “If he isn’t playing, then he’s drinking. Him and Connor have a time, I’ll tell you.”
I lifted my eyebrows in query and Mimi shrugged.
“He mostly goes to keep an eye on Connor,” Mimi told me. “I only talk to him for about a minute when I see him, but he’s always nursing a drink and keeping an eye on his brother. I never see Liam, though. I wonder what he gets up to...”
“Maybe he’s got a sweetheart or something,” I said and Mimi grinned.
“Or maybe he’s just boring,” Mimi said with a laugh as a cab pulled up and we slid into the backseat. “He doesn’t get out often, from what I understand. But then, the only reason Frankie comes out is because of Connor, so...” She trailed off then grinned at me. “But Connor won’t mean a thing when he sees you.”
I flushed with pleasure at her words but then my thoughts wandered to the man she had been talking to when I walked up and I heard myself ask who he was.
“Oh.” She waved a hand at me, but I noticed her eyes go wider. “Just a friend of a friend.”
I knew she wasn’t telling the full truth but I had no idea what else could be going on with him. Did Mimi have a secret lover?
When we pulled up to the Golden Sparrow, I felt jittery with excitement, feeling a little foolish about how excited I was at seeing Frankie. I still didn’t know him very well, but I had enjoyed his company so much that I could feel that strange pull to get to know him better, the pull to simply want to be around him.
Mimi knocked on the door and it swung obligingly open. The stench of body odor and stale smoke slammed into my nostrils, but I ignored it as best as I could as I followed Mimi inside and to our table in the corner.
The Golden Sparrow Page 7
