I didn’t think I’d ever get to experience this again. I didn’t think I’d ever see him through our windows again. My heart wrenches painfully and I tear my gaze away. When I look at him, I can’t stay mad at him. While I don’t want to be mad just for the hell of it, I need a moment to think through everything that happened. I need time to myself, to decide whether the choice Carter made is one I can live with. Whether it affects my ability to trust him.
I slip out of bed and into the shower, my thoughts on both Carter and Dad. I feel like I’m at a turning point in life, and there are some big choices ahead of me. I haven’t been scared of the future in years, but right now, right here, I am.
I walk back into my bedroom absentmindedly, my thoughts whirling. I pause when I notice Carter standing by his window, a large piece of paper in his hands.
Minx, it says.
He notices me looking and turns it over.
I’m sorry.
I clutch my towel tightly, my heart aching as he bends down to write something down. He holds up three pieces of paper, one after the other.
I was wrong.
I thought I was doing the right thing.
Allow me to earn your forgiveness, please.
I inhale deeply, my heart wavering. I know Carter, and I know his heart. I know it wasn’t his intention to hurt me, but that’s what he did nonetheless. Sometimes it’s good intentions that hurt the most.
My phone rings, Carter’s name lighting up the screen, and I hesitate before picking up.
“Minx,” he murmurs, and my heart skips a beat. “I’m sorry,” he says, leaning against the window.
I walk up to mine and sigh. “I know you are, Carter. But that isn’t enough. What hurts the most is that you knew how much this would impact me, yet you chose to make a decision on my behalf that you just didn’t have the right to.”
He falls silent and nods. “I know, Emilia. I can see that now, but at the time, I thought I was doing the right thing. Baby, this is something your father wanted to take to the grave. It wasn’t my place to tell you. It wasn’t my secret to spill. I promised your dad that you wouldn’t find out through me. I love you, Emilia… but I owed your dad this, at least.”
I inhale shakily. “Even after all these years, Carter, I always thought you’d be the one person that’d never keep anything from me. A lie of omission is still a lie, Carter. And this… this wasn’t something small. I would’ve gotten over it if you’d just kept your silence, but instead of that, you purposely obstructed my access to medical files that would have told me the truth. That’s not okay, Carter.”
Carter rests his forehead against the window and inhales deeply. “I know, Emilia. I just didn’t want you to get hurt. You’ve had to go through so much since coming back, that I wanted to do everything in my power to keep you from hurting any further. You’re right to say it wasn’t my place, and I apologize for overstepping. I had no right, and I don’t know how to make this right, Emilia. I don’t know how, but I’ll do whatever I can to earn your forgiveness. Will you let me?”
I spent years loving him, wanting him, missing him. I can’t take more of it. I close my eyes and drop my forehead to my window.
“Yes,” I whisper. “I won’t forgive you easily, Carter, and this isn’t something I’ll forget. But I… I love you. I still love you.”
Carter straightens and turns away. I watch in disbelief as he walks out of his room, the call disconnecting. I stare at my phone in confusion, bitterness filling me.
I’m still staring at my phone when my bedroom door opens and Carter walks in, startling me. He walks up to me and grabs my shoulders gently, his eyes flashing.
“Say that again.”
My eyes roam over his body, my heart racing. It feels like I haven’t seen him in years. I lift my hand to his still wet hair and brush it out of his face before looking into his eyes.
“I love you, Carter.”
He exhales and drops his forehead to mine, his arms wrapped around me. “I love you too, Emilia,” he says, pulling away to look at me. “I don’t know how to make this right, but I’ll do anything.”
I look into his eyes and my heart starts to ache. He looks so panicked, so anxious, so desperate to make things right. I cup his cheek gently, and Carter presses a soft kiss to my forehead.
“Time,” I whisper. “I just need a little bit of time.”
Carter nods, his fingers brushing over my hair. “Whatever you need, Minx,” he says, his eyes blazing with sincerity. I look into his eyes, and I see my entire future in them. The road ahead of us might not be easy, but it’s a road I want to walk with him. No one else will ever do.
Chapter 55
Emilia
I walk into Carter’s house and Dad looks disappointed when he sees that I don’t have my luggage with me. I smile at him and walk up to him to hug him. He presses a kiss to my hair and sighs. “When will you be ready to come home? It’s been over a week,” he says, and I smile as I pull away from him.
“I thought I was staying at home.”
Dad sighs and shakes his head. “You certainly inherited my stubbornness,” he says, shaking his head. “This is karma, I tell you.”
My smile wavers, and my heart twists painfully. It’s remarks like these that are the reason I never suspected anything. “Yes, Daddy,” I murmur. “I sure did.”
He looks at me as though he’s searching for something, and I put on a brave face for him. I don’t want him to know that finding out I’m not his real daughter hurts. He’s told me countless times that it changes nothing, yet I struggle to act like it is nothing.
“One of the nurses is going on holiday next week,” Dad says, pulling me along. I nod, vaguely remembering that. “Could you please call the agency to check if they’ve arranged a replacement? I believe Carter said he saves all the phone numbers and information in the top drawer of his desk in his home office. There’s an identification code or something on the paperwork that you’ll need to give them.”
I nod, and he smiles at me as I walk away. I hesitate before entering Carter’s home office. It’s a space I’ve never entered before, and I somehow feel like I’m intruding. I bite down on my lip as I walk to his desk, my eyes roaming over the space. It looks homely and well-used, unlike his office at work. I sit down in his chair and pull the top left drawer open. I frown when I find a large stack of almost identical documents, all tied together.
I pick the bundle up and swallow hard. They’re plane tickets and cancellation notices, all of them for flights to London. I flip through the documents, my heart breaking when I realize the very first one was a week after I left, and then one pretty much every month since then, the flights getting more and more expensive as the years go on. The most recent ones are a few months apart, the last one three months before I got here. I bite down on my lip in an effort to keep my emotions in check, but a tear drops down my cheek nonetheless.
“Minx.”
I look up to find Carter walking in, a concerned expression on his face. His gaze drops to the papers in my hands, and he freezes. The expression in his eyes tells me I wasn’t meant to see this, and I put the tickets down, my hands trembling.
Carter walks up to me, a hint of uncertainty and vulnerability in his eyes. I bite down on my lip, my heart aching. Carter sighs and brushes my hair out of my face gently. “Not a day has gone by that I didn’t think of you, that I didn’t want to chase after you.”
A tear drops down my cheek and Carter catches it with his thumb. I rise from my seat and throw my arms around him, my tears flowing freely. Carter holds me closely, his grip tight.
“Every day I’d wonder what I’d say to you when I finally saw you again. I’d imagine how I’d get you to give me another chance, I’d think about how to make you fall for me all over again, but then I’d remember. I’d remember how much pain you were in while you were with me. I’d remember how my family treated you, how you cried yourself to sleep every night. And I couldn’t do it, Emilia. I coul
dn’t go after you knowing being with me would mean living with so many painful memories, being confronted with a part of your life you chose to leave behind. I tried so hard to respect your wishes, but I always knew I’d cave the second I laid eyes on you again. And I did.”
I bury my face in his neck and hold onto him tightly. I’ve never felt this way before. I’ve never been so angry with someone, yet so certain that nothing he could ever do would make me walk away from him. This man, he’s always been my entire world. “I love you,” I whisper, looking up at him.
Carter sighs and takes a step closer. He drops his forehead to mine and wraps his arms around me. “I love you too, Emilia. So much. I’m sorry, baby. It’s not that I was trying to keep something from you, I didn’t even really see it like that. I just wanted to help your dad keep his secrets, to keep from hurting you.”
I nod and slip my arms around his neck. “I know, Carter. But that doesn’t make it okay.”
He nods, and I can’t help but smile a little. He looks so contrite, so pained. I know he’d never knowingly do something that might hurt me, and truthfully, I’m not even sure what I would’ve done if I were in his shoes.
I’ve spent so many years missing him. Now that I’m here, now that I’ve got him with me, I don’t want to miss out on another second. “I want all of you,” I whisper. “I want to fall asleep with you, but I also want to argue with you, mess with you, kiss you… Carter, I want it all with you. I’m so mad, but even so, I can’t stay away from you,” I murmur, my voice pained.
Carter tightens his arms around me and kisses the top of my head. “Baby, I want nothing more. I understand if you’re mad at me, just don’t leave me,” he says, his voice trembling. “Don’t ignore me the way you have. It fucking kills me when you’re right here with me, yet it feels like I’ve lost you all over again. Don’t do this to me, Emilia. Even if I deserve it, please don’t. I can’t take it.”
I rise to my tiptoes and press a kiss to his neck. Carter’s eyes fall closed and he buries his hand in my hair as I press another kiss to his skin. I didn’t even realize I made him feel this way. Carter lowers his head towards mine and I tilt my head to kiss him. He holds me as though I’m precious, as though I might slip out of his hands at any second, and my heart aches.
Carter pulls away and brushes my hair out of my face gently. I sigh and place my palms on his chest, wanting to be closer to him. I’ve missed him so much, it’s unreal. it’s only been a few days, so how am I ever going to get used to life without him?
“I’m sorry, Carter. I’m sorry for staying away for so long. I’m sorry I left in the first place. I’m sorry there’s so much we missed out on. There are so many years we’ll never get back.”
He buries his hand in my hair and tilts my head. “Emilia,” he murmurs. “I will always be grateful for what you did and for the sacrifices you made. You were right, in the end. When you left, Kate ceased to have someone to blame. She was forced to confront who she’d become and what her life had turned into.”
I nod and drop my head to his chest. If I’d stayed Carter and I wouldn’t have lasted. His family would have torn us apart. I knew that, but it didn’t make leaving any easier.
I look up at him and cup his cheek. “I’m back now,” I murmur. “I’m yours, all over again.”
Carter looks into my eyes, his expression vulnerable. “But you won’t stay.”
I inhale deeply and rise to my tiptoes, my lips finding his. I want to promise him that I will, but I can’t. My career is still in London, and even though I can act civil around Kate and Helen, I can’t pretend nothing ever happened.
Carter kisses me as though he’s scared I might disappear again, and I hold him a little tighter. He lifts me onto his desk and steps between my legs, and I close them around him. He drops his forehead to mine and inhales shakily.
“I’m sorry, Emilia. I’m sorry for keeping secrets, for hurting you.”
I nod and try my best to smile up at him. “Carter, we’ve spent years missing each other. I know you didn’t intend to hurt me. I know that. Just promise me you won’t ever do this again, please? No secrets. Not between us.”
He nods and presses a kiss to my forehead. “I promise, Emilia.”
I thread my hand through his hair and pull him closer, my lips finding his. This man… he owns my entire heart. But is love enough? I can’t help but feel like our happiness won’t be permanent. Every time we find our way back to each other, life tears us apart.
Chapter 56
Emilia
I walk into the kitchen early in the morning and lean back against the doorway to watch Carter. He’s making breakfast, and he keeps rearranging the tray on the counter, over and over again. I have no doubt that he intended to bring that to me in bed.
I agreed to move back here after I found that stack of cancelled tickets in his office. It reminded me of how much time we’ve already lost. I can’t do this to him. To us. I can’t stay away when my heart reaches for him with every beat.
Part of me feels betrayed, but part of me also understands. This was never about me. I wasn’t even here for years, and Carter and my dad have clearly developed a close bond. I know what Carter is like, and it shouldn’t have surprised me that he wouldn’t betray my father, that he’d do what he could to keep his secrets.
My eyes roam over him and I sigh. He’s wearing nothing but his pajama trousers, probably because I stole the matching top.
I walk into the kitchen, and Carter freezes, his eyes widening. I smile tightly and grab the coffee from the tray he prepared, the edges of my lips turning up. “This looks nice,” I murmur. Carter seems nervous and tense as I stand next to him, and I take a sip of my coffee, my eyes on him.
“I’m not mad at you anymore,” I murmur, rising to my tiptoes to kiss him. He looks at me, his gaze searching. If I had any remaining doubts about Carter’s feelings for me, then they’re all gone now. I might have been hurting over my dad and Carter’s actions, but he’s been hurting right along with me. I can tell that he’s scared to lose me again, that he’s sorry for hurting me. I don’t want him to feel this way. We’ve spent too long hurting.
I wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him, losing myself in him. He groans against my lips and pulls me closer, until my body is flush against his. I giggle and run my hands over his body, feeling perfectly content. Even when life hands me blow after blow, I can deal with it, so long as he’s here to hold me through it.
“I missed you,” he says, and I wrap my arms around his neck. Carter lifts me onto the kitchen counter and I spread my legs, closing them around him.
“I missed you too,” I murmur. He threads his hand through my hair and kisses me roughly. I feel him harden against my thighs and a low moan escapes my lips.
“Let’s go back to bed,” I whisper. We fell asleep together last night, but I need more of him.
Carter smiles at me and lifts me into his arms, a smirk on his face.
He freezes and puts me down when we hear footsteps approach us. I take a step away from Carter just as Dad walks into the kitchen, his eyes moving from me to Carter. “You two still fighting?” he asks, and we both shake our heads. “Good,” he says, nodding.
Dad sits down and Carter makes him some herbal tea as I sit down next to Dad. I wrap my arm around Dad and he drops his head to my shoulder. He’s constantly tired these days. He keeps battling headaches and muscle cramps, and it kills me. His entire life revolves around his dialysis, and I know how much he hates that. I need to find a way to give my father back his life.
“Dad,” I whisper. “I want to look into paired donation. If we can find someone else that needs a kidney donation, I can donate my kidney to them, while someone in their life donates one to you.”
Dad freezes and grits his teeth. He turns to look at me, and for just a few seconds, he’s the man I grew up with, instead of the old man he’s become. When he looks at me, I see the fearless prosecutor, the stern father, the man I’ve always ido
lized. He shakes his head and pins me down with a stare. “No. I’ve said no before, and I still mean it. I’d rather die than have you donate a kidney. I will not have you cutting your body open. I won’t have you lying on an operating table for me. It isn’t happening, Emilia. If I find out that you so much as try to go through with this, I’ll refuse the paired donation. I won’t have it.”
I inhale shakily, my eyes filling with tears. “But Daddy, I don’t want to lose you. Please, can’t you do this for me? Please.”
I burst into tears and Carter runs up to me. He wraps his arms around me, and I hide my face in his chest. “Tell him, Carter,” I beg. “Tell him to accept it. Please.”
Carter buries his hand in my hair and grips me tightly. “John,” he says, his voice pleading. “What if I do it? You won’t have to worry about Emilia. Paired donation is a great idea, and I should have thought of it myself. I’ll do it.”
Dad rises from his seat with so much force that his chair clatters to the floor. “No. I said no, Carter. My dignity is all I have left. I’ll take my own life before I let either of you take it from me.”
He walks away and slams the door closed behind him, and I start sobbing, my heart shattering. I’ve never felt this helpless before. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to save him if he won’t let me.
Chapter 57
Emilia
I walk into the kitchen early in the morning feeling exhausted. The last couple of days have just been filled with arguments and tension. Dad won’t see reason, and nothing I say changes his mind about a paired donation.
I’m sitting at the kitchen table when Carter walks in, his body dripping wet. He smiles at me, and my heart skips a beat. I wish I could control the feelings he unleashes in me. I wish I could choose to focus on the anger I felt when Layla called me, but I can’t. He’ll smile at me, and my heart soars.
The Ruins Of Us (Mayhem Book 3) Page 22
