by Eva Haining
Doctor: You don’t feel you need therapy?
JBG Anon: I know I need it. I hate that I need it.
Doctor: I understand. You can speak freely about whatever brought you here today. You can remain as anonymous as you want. No name, job, or location. Or you can share that information with me, and as with an in-person therapist, anything you tell me is under doctor/patient confidentiality.
JBG Anon: I’m good with no real stuff. So, where do I start?
Doctor: Why don’t you explain why you have sought out therapy at this time and what you hope to achieve through these sessions.
JBG Anon: I’m an addict.
JBG Anon: Was. Am. I don’t know. It’s not really a yes or no thing.
Doctor: When was the last time you drank and/or took drugs?
JBG Anon: Both. Drugs were my poison of choice. Alcohol just aided and abetted.
Doctor: Poison. Interesting word choice.
JBG Anon: Oh. We’re going straight in with the psychoanalysis.
Doctor: Sorry if that made you uncomfortable. Please, continue.
JBG Anon: It was just under nine months ago today. The last time I used. Snorted a few lines of coke before…
JBG Anon: … work. I collapsed and thought I was going to die. If my friends hadn’t called an ambulance, I’d be six feet under with the worms chowing down on me.
Doctor: How did that make you feel when you woke up in a hospital bed?
JBG Anon: Is it weird if I say I don’t know how to answer that?
Doctor: Was the overdose intentional?
JBG Anon: No. Not in the way you mean.
Doctor: What did I mean?
JBG Anon: Was I suicidal.
Doctor: Were you?
JBG Anon: No. Maybe.
Doctor: Well, you say it has been almost nine months, so why are you choosing to try online therapy now?
JBG Anon: I started drinking.
Doctor: And you’re aware recovery for a drug addict includes no drinking?
JBG Anon: Yeah. I thought I could handle a few drinks, but a few turned into a lot.
Doctor: And are you concerned this will lead back to drugs?
JBG Anon: I lied before. It hasn’t been nine months. It was nine months until I took a few uppers a month ago. My sister found out and fired me from my job. I’ve been using ever since. Light stuff mostly.
Doctor: Are you high right now?
JBG Anon: I…
JBD Anon: I have a perfect line of coke sitting in front of me on the table. I want it so bad my skin aches.
Doctor: I’m going to call 9-1-1. Can you give me your location?
JBG Anon: No. I haven’t taken it.
Doctor: And how long do you think you can wait before you give in?
JBG Anon: Can you just stay on here with me for a few minutes? I’m going to get rid of it. I’ll flush it down the toilet.
Doctor: Yes. I’ll stay on here as long as you need. I’d be more comfortable if you’d agree to at least talk to me on the phone. You would benefit from personal interaction right now, even if it’s support from a stranger’s voice.
JBG Anon: I can’t. Just wait…
ARE YOU STILL THERE? LIVE CHAT WILL TIME OUT AFTER THIRTY SECONDS…
Doctor: Are you there?
JBG Anon: I did it. I flushed it.
Doctor: I’m proud of you. You took the first step.
JBG Anon: I know I’m killing myself, but I still want the hit. The high. The oblivion.
Doctor: We need to get you into a rehab program immediately. This isn’t something you can do alone. There’s no shame in needing help. Addiction is a disease and something you’ll fight for the rest of your life. Allow me to help you.
JBG Anon: Somewhere close to home.
Doctor: Where’s home? Do you have a support system close by?
JBG Anon: A facility close to Houston if possible.
Doctor: I’ll call and organize a place for you right now. Is that okay?
JBG Anon: Yes.
Doctor: In the meantime, talk to me. Stay on here until I give you the address.
JBG Anon: What do I talk about?
Doctor: Let’s go right back to the beginning. I know it may sound like a cliché, especially when reading on a computer screen, but it’s essential. Tell me about your childhood.
JBG Anon: A cliché. You’ve got a degree and stuff, though, right?
Doctor: Yes. I’ve had my private practice for many years.
JBG Anon: Phew. Wouldn’t want to be spilling my guts to an uneducated stranger. Somehow an educated one is better.
Doctor: Have you always used humor to deflect from personal questions that are asked of you?
JBG Anon: Childhood - foster care.
Doctor: What age were you when you entered the system?
JBG Anon: Ding, ding, ding. I’m pretty sure we’re out of time for today. Do you have the address?
Doctor: True North Rehabilitation Center, 26784 Port Lookout Trail, Houston. They are expecting JBG Anon to begin a twenty-one-day in-patient stay.
JBG Anon: Do I speak to you again, or is this goodbye?
Doctor: There will be a number of trained therapists at the facility, however, should you wish to continue speaking with me, you can select Dr. Elliot from the dropdown options on the website at any time and schedule an appointment through the app.
JBG Anon: Thank you. For everything. I’m… J. Or Jay because it looks weird. Mr. J makes me sound like I should be an extra in Reservoir Dogs.
JBG Anon: I’m going to sign off now. Over and out.
JBG Anon: Please forget you read that. It was extremely lame. I promise I’m not this lame in real life. But then, you probably think drug addicts are lame. Which is true. I am. Okay, goodbye.
Doctor: I’d ask that you log back in at ten this evening and let me know you’ve arrived at the facility. I’ll call and follow up with them, but I want to ensure you’re where you need to be.
JBG Anon: Thanks, doc. I’m going to go. I promise.
JBG Anon: I don’t want to die.
Doctor: You have acknowledged you need help, and you’re going to get it. That’s a good place to start if you truly want to save your own life. No one else can do this for you, Jay, no matter how much they may want to.
JBG Anon: I know. I better get going.
Doctor: Goodbye, Jay. I’ll speak with you later this evening.
THE LIVE CHAT HAS ENDED…
YOU WILL BE EMAILED A COPY OF THE TRANSCRIPT FROM TODAY’S SESSION.
THANK YOU FOR CHOOSING E.J.S THERAPY ANONYMOUS.
_____________________
Four
Ellie
There’s one bar in this town. One. That’s insane. There’s one of everything here in Kingsbury Falls. No one sees any need to double up. The founding families set up the basics, and these businesses were passed down from generation to generation. It’s a far cry from Manhattan, but that’s why it’s a breath of fresh air.
Tonight, A.B. and I are heading down to the bar, Cardinals, for a few drinks and a catch-up without any distractions. We decided it would be a nice evening to walk, but I regret it within five minutes of leaving her house. My hair is sticking to my neck with the humidity in the air, even after the sun goes down.
“How are you settling in?”
“I’m in love with the center. Working with horses and getting to help people is a dream come true.” My smile is genuine, full of hope for the life I’m building here.
“Awesome. We love having you here, and Mad has been singing your praises for weeks. You’re really taking the reins and guiding it in a wonderful direction. Are the links to your website and app live yet?”
“Yes. They went up a few days ago, and I’ve already noticed an uptick in new patients.”
“Wow. I wasn’t expecting it to be so quick.”
“I think you were right about being in a small town. I’m sure some will sign up just to get a feel for the new direction, and then hope
fully, over time, the residents of Kingsbury Falls will trust me with their mental health. I know the discussion of mental health and the stigma surrounding it has come a long way, but there’s still so much to do to make good care available for everyone.”
“The town will be stampeding the doors soon enough. But tonight, we don’t need to worry about work. This is strictly a girls’ night.”
“I’ve missed girls’ night. Remember when we used to go to that dive bar a block down from the medical center when we were interns? It’s still there, helping Manhattan’s medical students drown their sorrows.”
“Oh my God, yes! What was it called?”
“O’Shaughnessy’s.”
“Just the mention of it brings back the stench of whiskey shots. Never again.”
“I guess the hard stuff doesn’t go well with motherhood.” I still can’t believe A.B. is a mom of three.
“It’s not motherhood, I just switched to tequila. You’re in Texas now, Ellie, so you better get used to it.”
“Tequila I can handle. Who else is coming tonight?”
“Savannah and Maisie.” I met Sav the night I arrived—she’s married to Jax, the smoking hot joker. This will be my first time meeting Maisie, but I already feel like I know her. The movie she was in with her husband, J.J. Savage, was incredible.
“Sav is so sweet, I really like her. Everyone has been so nice to me, making me feel at home. It’ll be nice to have some gal pals. I miss Piper. She was… is… my person. We talk about everything, and she always picks out my wardrobe for dates. I’m hopeless, and since arriving here, I’m suddenly too shy to even consider dating.”
“Why?” As we wander through the town square to the large oak door with Cardinals emblazoned in large, black letters overhead, A.B. takes the opportunity to psychoanalyze me. “Is it because you know you want to put down roots here? Anyone local that you date is going to be a permanent fixture.”
“I wasn’t thinking that, but now I am. Damn. In New York, you can date a guy and never bump into him again. I don’t suppose I’ll have that luxury here.”
“It depends on what you’re looking for. Do you want a fling, a one-night stand, or something more serious?”
This place isn’t what I expected. I figured it would be like some old, wild west saloon, but I could’ve just walked into a trendy bar in SoHo. “I always pick the wrong guys… the bad boys. I want something more serious, but I’m not sure I’m ready for it quite yet. The plan is to focus on my career and settling in before I start thinking about that stuff.”
Sav is sitting in a booth with Maisie, who jumps up to greet me with a hug. “It’s so nice to meet you, Ellie. Welcome to Kingsbury Falls. A.B. has told me so much about you. I’m Maisie.” She’s even more beautiful in real life than she is on the big screen.
“I know who you are. I hope anything you’ve heard is only the good stuff.”
“Of course,” A.B. interjects. “What do you want to drink?”
I look at the table to see what the others are having. “Margarita sounds good.”
“Coming up.” She disappears over to the bar, leaving me to acquaint myself with the town’s Hollywood royalty.
“A.B. says you knew each other back in New York? I can’t imagine her anywhere else but here in Kingsbury Falls with Maddox. Their love story is the stuff of legends.”
“Some people are blessed with that kind of love. It’s sort of strange for me.”
“Why? Spill.” I take a seat across from them as they sip at their drinks.
“She never spoke of him when I knew her before. A.B. was a workaholic. She was at the hospital an hour before rounds, and she was always the last to leave. There wasn’t space for a guy and certainly not a family. I know she had relationships, but she wasn’t one to bring a boyfriend on a night out. This version of her is different.”
“That’s so crazy. For me, she and Maddox just go hand in hand. Even before she moved back, everyone knew he was still madly in love with her. He never got over her. They were the mythical relationship every girl born and raised in this town wanted.”
“What about you, Sav? Did you grow up here?”
“No. I’m a city implant too. This place just sucks you in. I wasn’t looking for love when I came here, and then I met Jax. The rest is history.” She has that doe-eyed look people get when they’re over-the-top, head-over-heels in love.
I turn my attention to Maisie. “And you fell in love with your co-star. Everyone has heard that love story.”
“I guess so. That, in and of itself, is weird to me. I’m still the same girl in my hometown who fell madly in love with a boy.”
“Wow. It must be in the water around here. Everyone seems so happy, soulmates growing like wildfire.”
“What are we talking about?” A.B. scootches in beside me, sliding my drink over.
“The fact that I knew a very different version of you in New York. You never told me about Maddox. I get it, seeing the two of you together here. It’s the most natural thing in the world, but I never thought you’d be content in a small town with kids.”
“Me either, but he’s the love of my life. I didn’t mention him in New York because it hurt. He was always there, heavy in my heart, and I thought my chance to have a life with him was over.”
“That’s understandable.”
“What about you?” Maisie is so enthusiastic and bubbly. “You know our relationship history, and now we want to know yours.”
“Nothing to tell.”
“You’re drop-dead gorgeous. I don’t believe you for a second.” I can’t help but laugh.
“Really. I pick the bad boys, and as a therapist, I’m well aware that I choose men who aren’t emotionally equipped to fulfill my needs. I’ve been throwing myself into work for a long time now, just trying to avoid meeting the bad ones in the first place.”
“The bad boys are always the super-hot ones. Jax was notorious around here when I met him.” Sav has a wicked grin on her face.
“You married the bad boy?”
“Reformed bad boy. He’s really just a big teddy bear. Don’t tell him I said that, it’ll bruise his ego.” She gives me a conspiratorial wink.
“That just confirms my ethos. If there’s already a reformed bad boy in this town, I need to stay away from all the others. You don’t get that kind of turnaround more than once.”
“Good point. Wholesome cowboys only.”
“Cowboy, yes. I’m willing to bend on the wholesome thing as long as he’s a stallion in other ways.”
They all start giggling, lifting their glasses in a toast. “To Ellie, may you save a horse, ride many cowboys, and fall in love with a hometown heartthrob!” A.B. clinks her glass to mine.
“Cheers to that.”
The rest of our evening is full of laughter and dancing. I will have to learn some of these line dances if I want to fit in around here. I didn’t realize just how much I miss Piper until tonight. By the time I fall into my bed, I’m more than a little drunk, and I pull up her number, dialing without a thought for the time.
“What’s going on? Are you okay?” Piper sounds frantic.
“Bestie! I miss you.”
“Did someone get a little drunk tonight? It’s three in the morning.”
“Wrong. It’s…” I pull my phone back to see the time, “only two.”
“I’m on Eastern time. Three for me and work in the morning.”
“Ugh. I hate you being east of me. You need to come west. The wild, wild west.”
“Have you sampled the local cuisine yet? Those big beefy cowboys.”
“No. All the cowboys here are blissfully married. It’s not fair, Pipes. They are like… insanely good-looking. Even the local bad boy is hopelessly in love. I came to find love and family in a town with no single men left.” She chuckles on the other end of the line.
“I’m sure there are plenty of hot men just waiting to show you a good time. Maybe not tonight. I assume if you were riding a cowb
oy, I wouldn’t be talking to you right now.”
“No riding for me. Other than actual horses and literal riding.”
“How’s the job? Everything you hoped it would be?”
“And more. I love it. The facility is incredible, the staff is awesome, and my practice is filling up nicely.”
“That’s great, Ellie. I’m so happy for you. Now, can I go back to sleep and call you tomorrow?”
“I suppose. I just wish you were here.”
“We’ll pick out dates for me to come visit when we talk tomorrow, okay?”
“Yes!” I shout down the phone, much to her dismay.
“Holy crap, Ellie, dull it down to a roar. I’ll speak to you tomorrow night. Now, take two aspirin and a full glass of water before you go to sleep, or you’ll feel like ass in the morning.”
“You’re always looking after me, Pipes. Even from miles away.”
“Good night, boozy.”
“Night.”
I made the mistake of lying on my bed when I made the call. It takes all my strength to clamber off the bed and go in search of aspirin. I’m still unpacking some stuff, and my medicine cabinet is a riot right now. Add in being three sheets to the wind, and it takes me a good ten minutes to find the bottle of pills.
Once I’m up, I start sorting clothes in my closet, sobering up while losing valuable sleep. When I’m done, I put on my favorite PJs, brush my teeth like a good girl, and snuggle down in my bed for a few hours before I need to get up and go about my day. I’m having dinner with A.B. and her family tomorrow night, and I said I’d make a dessert. Why I offered, I’ll never know. I’m a terrible cook. That’s something else to add to my list of skills to learn now that I’m a country girl.
My apple pie turned out so bad, I ended up going to the grocery store and buying a replacement. I’m not going to force people to eat the monstrosity that emerged from my oven. I don’t even want to let it pass my lips.
Today, I recognize everyone out on the back porch of the Mustang Ranch house as I approach. Kids are running through the long grass shouting and laughing with each other over a game of tag. It’s the picture of an idyllic life, and I get to be a small part of it.
