by Eva Haining
My cock twitches back to life, excited at the thought of being able to see her as she orgasms and the thrill of having her watch me as I feast between her thighs.
“Johnny…”
“Yes, sweetheart?” I begin kissing my way down her torso, my eyes still fixed on her.
“Your cock is huge.” I chuckle against her skin and find myself smiling so hard my face hurts.
“Yeah, it is.” I continue my ministrations, spellbound by the fire in her eyes as I bury my face between her legs once more.
“Don’t stop, Johnny. Never stop.” As she gives herself over to the pleasure my body demands of her, I lose myself, intoxicated by everything about her.
“Never.”
We make love until the sun rises, heralding the beginning of a new day—a new chapter for Ellie and me.
“You seem both exhausted and full of beans today. How is that even possible?” Jax is clearly lagging as we work our way through tidying up the aftermath of the storm.
“Life is good, my friend. Life is good.”
“You got laid.” It’s not a question but a statement of fact as he studies my demeanor.
“A gentleman doesn’t kiss and tell.” I can’t hide the grin that seems to have taken permanent residence on my face today.
“Ugh. While my kids were up all night crying about noisy thunder, you were getting your freak on. Is there no justice in the world?”
“Sorry, bro, but I needed it way more than you. You’re happily married with a wife who’s constantly trying to jump your bones. I’ve been dealing with a long addiction-related drought.”
“And was it everything you hoped it would be?” He scrubs his hand over his face, trying to stay awake.
“Not even close. It was so much more. I mean, I’ve had a lot of great sex, but Jax, this was fucking transcendent shit. Like I could’ve died from a sex-induced heart attack, and I would’ve died a happy man. And the way her body moves… it’s like we’re two puzzle pieces made for each other.”
“You’re going to make me puke if you keep it up. I’m happy y’all are finally figuring things out.” He stops what he’s doing and turns to face me. “We’re talking about you and Ellie, right?”
“Yes, slow boy. Everything about her is amazing.”
“Holy shit. I turned Pinocchio into a real cowboy, and now you’ve gone and grown yourself a real heart. That’s some Wizard of Oz shit.”
“You’re mixing your metaphors this morning.”
“I got zero sleep, and it wasn’t in a good way. Even the dog was scared and crawled into our bed. No man should have to share his bed with his smoking hot wife AND two kids and a beagle. Life is cruel.”
“I want to sympathize, but I’m just too fucking happy today to muster a fuck to give. Sorry, bro.”
“Yeah, enjoy it while you can, Johnny boy. One day, you’ll wake up with kids and pets and wonder where the time went.”
“Whoa, slow your roll there, cowboy. One night doesn’t turn into babies and mortgages.”
“It does if you don’t glove up.” He laughs, but I wasn’t careful last night. Ellie’s on the pill, although I didn’t even care at the time. A herd of wild horses couldn’t have stopped me from fucking her. The lack of a condom only added to the insane level of pleasure.
“We’re taking it one step at a time. All that stuff is way, way, way down the road.”
“I only have one question.”
“What?” With Jax, it could be anything as the man has no filter.
“Are you ready for this? For her? I’m just looking out for you, bro. You’ve changed so much since you came to town, and your recovery is going great. We’re all proud of you, and I just want you to know that if it gets tougher while you navigate the waters of love and relationships, you can talk to me. I know I can joke and jibe until the cows come home, but I care, and I can be a serious guy when the situation requires, okay?”
“Thanks, Jax. You’re a lovable goofball. Sav is a lucky woman.”
“Right? I’m a fucking catch. Anyway, I won’t say anything else on the matter unless you want to talk. I hope everything works out for you two. Doc is good people, and so are you, brother, so are you.”
There’s not much damage as we do the rounds on the ranch. A few fence panels down and more shit than I’ve shoveled in a day before. I think the horses literally shit themselves during the storm.
The fields are soaking wet, which makes walking twice as labor-intensive, but on the whole, the storm was a mild one. The power outage was the only real issue, and I make a mental note to ensure Ellie stays with me the next time this happens.
She’s on my mind all day, and when I see her locking up the therapy center at the end of the day, fireflies start causing a raucous in my stomach. God, she’s gorgeous. When she sees me across the field, I can see her beaming smile as she walks toward me.
Ellie has one of those walks that highlight the sexy sway of her hips, but the closer she gets, the harder her stride becomes. It takes me a minute to realize what’s happening.
“Wait there. I’ll come to you. The field is waterlogged.” As the words leave my lips, she disappears beneath the grass line. “Ellie!”
“I’m okay.” Her laughter chimes in the soft evening breeze. “Dirty but okay.”
“I like the sound of that,” I say as I reach her, offering my hand to help her up. This mud is like quicksand.
“Hey.” She looks up at me, and the tension that’s always bubbled beneath the surface is gone, replaced by a tangible heat that need not be contained.
“Hey yourself, sweetheart.” I pull her up and kiss her in greeting. “How was your day?”
“Pretty great. What about you?” There’s a shyness in her voice that’s so endearing. It’s a side of her I’ve never seen before. She always seems so confident and self-assured.
“It started off as close to perfect as it could get. Now, as I’m sure you’re aware, I stink of horse manure.”
“I don’t care.” She pushes up onto her tiptoes, but her feet continue to sink in the mud, so I wrap my arm around her waist and pull her free. She reaches for my face, pulling me to her lips for a soul-destroying kiss. I’m not sure I’ll ever get used to having her in my arms, loving me. I don’t know what I did in a previous life to deserve her, but I’m not letting her go.
“Was that what you had in mind?” I smile against her lips.
“Something like that. My version involves getting you out of those muddy clothes and into a shower with me.”
“Jax, I’m out. I’ll catch you tomorrow. I’ve got a date with a shower and a very naked doctor.” Ellie’s cheeks blush as she buries her head in the crook of my neck.
“Kick a guy when he’s down, rock star!”
“Jax, do us all a favor and go home and fuck your wife like your life depends on it.” I shoot him a sly grin over my shoulder.
He drops the tools in his hands and takes off at a sprint toward his place. “Good advice. If I drop my kids on your doorstep, just keep them alive for a few hours.”
“Drop them at Mad’s place.”
Jax’s laughter rings out as he runs through the boggy field. “Genius! You’re a fucking genius, Johnny Reed.”
As I focus my attention back on the gorgeous woman in my arms, she scrunches her nose with a cute grin. “He’s not wrong. You’re a genius… in the bedroom.”
“You haven’t seen any of my smartest moves yet, doc. Hold on tight, we’re going for a wild ride.”
By the time we reach my place, we could smell like a sewer and not give a rat’s ass. Our clothes lay strewn on the floor—a trail of breadcrumbs on our path to the master bathroom. Grudgingly, I set her down on the countertop while I turn the water on, her naked reflection tantalizing in the mirror behind her back.
“I don’t have any clothes to change into after our shower.”
“You don’t need any. I’m cool with feeding you… naked. Pouring you an ice-cold drink into your belly but
ton… naked. And warming you with every inch of my body… naked. See, problem solved.”
“As much as I love the sound of that, I may trouble you for a shirt at some point.”
As the water heats and the glass begins to mist, I take her hand and lead her into the shower, mesmerized by rivulets of water cascading down her body, highlighting every line and curve to perfection. “You wearing one of my old band t-shirts might cause me to stroke out. It doesn’t matter what fashion magazines tell you, there’s nothing hotter than a woman in a man’s oversized tee.”
“Just any woman?” She squeezes a small amount of body wash into her hand before lathering her body, caressing her breasts with bubbles, her eyes fixed on me. “Or someone specific?”
“Holy shit, my girl is a little deviant. There isn’t a woman on earth I want to see in one of my t-shirts other than you. I thought I made it pretty clear last night and early this morning if memory serves me.”
“Sometimes a girl needs a little more convincing. You might have to show me again… and again… and again.” She lathers her hands with more body wash before resting them on my chest and slowly tracing circles on my body. “I get to wash every delectable inch of you first.”
Her touch, while wildly sexy, is reverent and filled with love. She takes care to wash away the dirt of a hard day’s work before sliding between my legs to where my rock-solid erection is ready for her.
She teases me, giving and taking, moving to other areas of my body and coming back to my aching cock. She’s true to her word, washing every inch of me, tracing the lines of my shoulder blades, down my spine, taking her sweet time on my ass before dropping to her knees and washing my legs and feet. When she looks up at me through hooded lashes, I have to swallow past a lump in my throat. No one has ever cared for me in such a tender way.
People take it for granted that parents impart those early memories that create safety, security, and an innate sense of being loved. Not for me. This is the first time I’ve experienced being loved with any physical innocence. It’s overwhelming and disconcerting.
I step out of Ellie’s reach, pulling her to her feet. “Do you want to keep washing me, or do you want me to fuck you until you can’t feel your legs?”
I don’t wait for an answer, my lips crashing down on hers in a desperate attempt to quash the rising fear that takes root in the pit of my stomach. I’ve never had something so precious I can’t even contemplate the fallout if I mess it up.
“I’ll finish what I started, and then I’m all yours to do with as you please for the rest of the night. But, right now, I want to relax you and care for you after a long day on the ranch. Is that so terrible?” She searches my gaze for an answer I can’t give.
How do I tell the woman I love that I don’t know how to be loved? Not in this way. I have a sister, and Belle is the only experience I have of someone looking out for me or giving a crap if I live or die. With her, it’s a love I can keep at arm’s length. She could fracture my heart if I lost her, but as I stand in awe of Ellie, naked and unabashed, loving me with everything she has, I can’t quiet the fear that’s telling me I don’t deserve her.
I don’t deserve to be loved like this. So I do what I know best—I sweep Ellie off her feet and lose myself in her for hours, loving her the only way I know how, and the only way I can let her love me. At least for now.
SESSION
_____________________
YOU ARE NOW ENTERING THE LIVE CHAT…
Doctor: Hello, Jay. How have you been since our last session?
JBG Anon: Hey, doc. I’m doing great.
Doctor: If I’m not mistaken, you’re coming up on a milestone in your sobriety?
JBG Anon: Yep. Six months since my relapse. Since you saved my skin. I’m heading to a meeting after our session to get my sobriety chip. It feels different than last time.
Doctor: In what way?
JBG Anon: I don’t think I really wanted it before. I was going through the motions, but it was more because of other people’s expectations of me. Not that I don’t care about their support and encouragement, but a part of me always knew I’d use again. Like I had prepared myself that one day I wouldn’t be able to shut out the temptation anymore.
Doctor: And what do you think has changed? Why do you want to be clean this time around?
JBG Anon: Because I…
JBG Anon: I finally feel like I have a life that’s worth living. That I’m becoming a man worthy of the life I’ve always wanted.
Doctor: I’m so proud of you. This is the breakthrough I’ve been hoping for, for you. You have to want the change for yourself and find what it is that spurs you on to stay clean and sober.
JBG Anon: But it’s complicated.
Doctor: Why?
JBG Anon: I told the person I’ve been telling you about… I told her that I have feelings, and I want to make it work.
Doctor: That’s a big step. Were your feelings well received?
JBG Anon: Yeah. It’s amazing. Really amazing. She was wary of the timeline of my recovery, but sometimes life has other plans. I tried to wait like you said, but the more I fought it, the more I knew this was a major moment in my life that I couldn’t let pass me by. Does that make sense?
Doctor: Yes. I understand. We can’t always choose when and where love finds us. I’d be remiss if I didn’t remind you to maintain focus on recovery. The first flurry of a new relationship can make it easy to slide back into old habits, and at the first road bump, it can be overwhelming enough to cause a relapse. Be cognizant of that and try to stay ahead of those feelings as best you can.
JBG Anon: When I’m with her, I don’t even think about drugs. I’m not chasing a high.
Doctor: Is it possible she IS the high? When I say it’s easy to slip into old habits, I don’t mean that you feel the urge to do drugs. It can be replacing one addictive habit with another, except this time you won’t see it coming. It creeps up on you, and you may not recognize it until it is too late.
JBG Anon: It’s not an addiction. I’m in love.
Doctor: I understand what you’re saying. I meant no offense. I’m not trying to invalidate your feelings for this person, I just want you to be aware of the pitfalls.
JBG Anon: I just hate having her and my addiction mentioned in the same sentence. I want to shield her from that part of me. I don’t want it to mar what we have in any way. She is perfect.
Doctor: No one is perfect. You know that as well as I do. When you refer to someone as perfect, what’s your benchmark? Is it that they don’t suffer from addiction? Career success? Family?
JBG Anon: All of those things. I only have one of those, and I almost blew it.
Doctor: Do you have plans to return to your career? You’ve reached a big milestone at six months.
JBG Anon: The plan is for me to resume my job in a few months.
Doctor: And how do you feel about that? Is it your choice, or do you feel you’re facing pressure from your employer?
JBG Anon: A bit of both. I don’t want to hide away forever. I need to find a way to go back to my old life without going back to my old habits.
Doctor: It’s great that you recognize the distinction.
JBG Anon: I’m also concerned that a long-distance relationship won’t work, and this person can’t just uproot their life and move to where I need to be.
Doctor: Have you brought up the subject?
JBG Anon: No. We’ve just found a rhythm that works for us. I don’t want to ruin it.
Doctor: Honesty is the cornerstone of relationships.
JBG Anon: I just want to enjoy the flurry of something new. Everything with me becomes heavy really fast, and I’m not ready to give up that excitement and air of possibilities.
Doctor: Have you told your sponsor that you’ve decided to start a relationship?
JBG Anon: Yeah. She wasn’t too thrilled at first, but she’s very supportive regardless of her personal feelings on the subject.
Doctor: Suppo
rt is imperative. Have you given any more thought to finding an in-person therapist?
JBG Anon: I just don’t think it’s for me. Besides, there isn’t one in my town I’d be comfortable bearing my soul to. Why? Are you planning on going somewhere?
Doctor: Not at all. I like to check in with my online patients regularly to give you the option should you feel ready to consider the positive aspects of in-person treatment.
JBG Anon: I had enough in-person in rehab. Talking with you has been better for my mental health and addiction than any other shrink I’ve worked with. And there have been a lot.
Doctor: Then we shall continue as we are. Just know that you can come to me for a recommendation if you change your mind and would like to visit a therapist face to face.
JBG Anon: Thanks, but don’t hold your breath.
Doctor: Okay, then let’s table your new relationship and go back a little further. You’re very good at diverting attention away from yourself and evading the hard questions. If you really want to work on getting better, you have to go back and take a look at the events that led you here. Only when we identify a cycle can we break it.
JBG Anon: I’ve told you all the major moments. I was abandoned by my parents and was left to fend for myself in the foster system. I did stupid stuff that got me kicked from foster family to foster family before they gave up and put me in a group home until I aged out. Throw a rock in a crowded bar, and you’ll hit at least one person who has the same story. It’s not an excuse for my behavior.
Doctor: True. Excuses don’t help us grow and learn. However, these events directly correlate to form the path you ended up on. Understanding your drive and willingness to use drugs instead of facing your fears is paramount to your recovery.
JBG Anon: I just don’t like looking back on that time in my life.
