by Eva Haining
“Fuck.”
“I thought she’d requested them behind my back or something, but she was so dumbfounded when I showed her the pages.”
“So you’re certain she didn’t get them from someone else?”
“Yeah.” I heave a sigh that carries the weight of the world boring down on me. “When I thought about it, I realized she’d never do that to me.”
“I was going to say it doesn’t seem like her at all. But didn’t it ever cross her mind that your life and her patient’s seemed awfully similar?”
“I never gave specifics. Not my name or my career.”
“Okay, so it’s an unfortunate turn of events, but why does that mean it’s over? Why don’t you just find a new therapist? It doesn’t have to be over between you two. What did Ellie say?”
“You don’t get it, Jax. I told her the worst things about me. My darkest moments, fears, hopes, and so many details that I’m ashamed of. I can’t even look at her.”
“She didn’t find out all that stuff on purpose. Can’t you work through it? She loves you, and judging by the state you’re in over this, you love her too.”
“I do. I love her more than life itself, which is why this hurts so much. She loves the Johnny who’s working on becoming a better man.”
“And you’re still that guy. We’ve all done things we’re not exactly proud of, but you can’t let it define you.”
“She’s about to make a million connections between me and the patient she called JBG Anon. I can’t watch her figure it out. A year ago, I’d do anything for another hit. I fucked my way through every city I visited. I had dealers across America who were more than willing to hook me up with a smorgasbord of drugs. Do you know how many groupies I convinced to take a hit? I could be responsible for a string of addicts in every state because I wanted to party.”
“If the women you fucked didn’t want to snort a line or pop a pill, they wouldn’t have. You can’t take responsibility for everyone else’s decisions.”
“Jax, I wasn’t just a bad boy. I was the worst kind. I didn’t care who I dragged down with me. The only person I ever cared about besides myself was Belle. She tethered me to any sense of decency I had.”
“You’re being too hard on yourself. I met you when you were heavy into using, and the man you are now is nothing like that guy.”
“You know, Ellie asked me about the night I overdosed when I didn’t realize it was her doing the asking.”
“Okay.”
“I’d never admitted it to anyone.”
“Admitted what?”
“That part of me wanted to die that night.”
My friend—my brother—has such pain in his eyes at my admission, it’s more than I can take.
“Fuck, Johnny, I had no idea.”
“She’s not going to look at me the same after she makes the connection. Who wants to build a life with a man who doesn’t even value his own life? She deserves better than a suicidal junkie. I didn’t take those drugs that night with the conscious idea to commit suicide, but when it came down to it, I wanted it all to stop. I wanted off the train, and part of me was relieved in that moment as I slipped to the brink of… nothingness. I can’t stand the fact that she knows. All of it. Every twisted thought I’ve had about myself. She knows all the crushing blows I’ve been dealt throughout my life. It’s ugly and brutal, and I never wanted anyone I know to see those parts of me, especially not her.”
“Okay, but we need to work with the card you’ve been dealt. You can’t take it back, and neither can she, but if you let her get away over this, then all that shit, everything you’ve overcome, will be for nothing.”
“I know, but I don’t want to see myself through her eyes. Not now.”
“Have you considered, even for a second, that none of this will change how she feels about you?”
“It’s for the best that I’m leaving this week to go back on tour. I can’t deal with this right now.”
“Can you really handle being back on the road? If you turned up on my doorstep in the middle of the night because you thought you might use, then maybe you’re not in the best headspace for groupies, booze, and drugs on tap.”
“I don’t have a choice. If I don’t go back now, I’ll never do it.”
“Would that be so bad? You’ve become one hell of a cowboy. You have a life and a woman who loves you here in Kingsbury Falls.”
“Had.” My skin prickles with a craving to lose myself in the familiar oblivion that a high could provide. “I’m sorry I woke you. I need to go.” I stand to leave, but Jax grabs my shoulder to stop me.
“You’re in no fit state to leave.”
He’s not wrong, but I have to get away from here. “Let go of me.”
“Make me.”
Without hesitation, my fist connects with his face, and he loosens his grip on me but quickly levels a punch to my ribcage, knocking the wind right out of me. Before I know it, we’re trading blow for blow, and Savannah appears, yelling at Jax to stop.
“What the hell is going on?” She puts herself between us, her hand resting on Jax’s chest. “It’s the middle of the night, and you’re friends. Do either of you care to enlighten me?” She looks to me with the same disappointed look I’ve seen in the eyes of everyone who’s ever met me.
“I was just leaving.” I wipe my bottom lip, tasting the unmistakable metallic tang of blood, a smear of deep red on my fingers.
“The fuck you are! If I have to beat you unconscious, I’ll happily oblige, but you aren’t setting foot out of this house tonight.” Why is he trying to save me? Doesn’t he know that I can never outrun my biggest foe? Myself.
“Calm down, Jax.” She stares him down until he takes a step back, then focuses her attention on me. “Are you going to tell me why my husband has a black eye?”
“I need to get out of here, Sav. Sorry to have woken you guys. I appreciate all of you more than I can say and a damn site more than I’m showing at this moment.”
“If that’s true, then you’ll sit your ass down before I call Maddox down here to keep you both in line.”
“I…”
“Sit down, Johnny. I’m not arguing about this. If you don’t, I’ll let my husband subdue you for your own good.”
“Why do either of you care about a self-destructive junkie?” My hands are shaking as the desire to get out of here and score vibrates through every fiber of my being.
“Because we love you, you idiot! You’re family whether you want to be or not. You don’t get a choice in that. Didn’t you read the small print when you moved onto the ranch? So sit down, shut up, and let me get some ice for your busted-up lip.”
She marches past Jax with a death glare. “I’ll deal with you later.”
Sav returns with an ice pack for each of us and takes a seat beside me. “Start talking, rock star. What happened with Ellie?”
“How do you know it has anything to do with her?”
“Because I have an IQ above a hundred. It doesn’t take a genius to equate an angry man acting like a child with a lovers’ tiff. Spill.”
“I appreciate your hospitality, Sav, but I don’t want to talk about it. I should never have come. I’m sorry I woke you both…” I say, standing to leave, “… and Jax, I’m sorry for punching you. You’ve always been a good friend to me. You didn’t deserve that.”
“It’s fine. We all do dumb shit. All is forgiven, but if you try to hit me again, I’ll take you the fuck out.”
I don’t know what’s worse—the fact that I hit one of my closest friends or that he’s so forgiving about it. I head out into the dark, leaving them with the carnage I reeked on their night. Everything I touch turns to shit eventually. I thought I could change, but my knack for chaos seems to follow me everywhere, dragging me back to the depths of despair.
The heavens open as I walk back to my place, rain soaking me to the bone, sobering me enough to realize what I need to do. When I reach my front door, part of me is disappo
inted not to find Ellie there, waiting to tell me it was all a bad dream, but a bigger part is happy she’s not here because it would make it so much harder to leave.
In the days that follow the atom bomb to my relationship with Ellie, I busy myself with getting ready to go back out on tour. It couldn’t come at a worse—or maybe better—time. I don’t want to leave with things the way they are. Ellie and I haven’t spoken to each other, but I know it’s for the best. She’s trying to give me time to process, and if I’m honest, I need a breather.
Finding out that I’ve been bearing my soul to my girlfriend shouldn’t seem so heartbreaking on the surface. It’s not like I was discussing our relationship or badmouthing her in any way. I wasn’t telling tales of other women—there are none—so the situation could be worse.
For a regular joe, this is probably a minor speed bump, but for me, it shakes the very ground I walk on. Yes, I love Ellie, but that doesn’t mean I’m ready to share every intimate detail of my past with her. You start a relationship on equal footing, divulging deep, dark secrets when you feel ready to share that part of who you are. To know that the balance between us has tipped so heavily weighs on my heart.
I can’t exactly turn up on her doorstep and ask her to tell me everything she hates about herself, exposing the pieces she’d never think to share so early on in a relationship, if ever. I’ve been asking myself this question for days—do people ever truly reveal everything to the one they love? Friendships and families are built on honesty but keeping some war wounds to yourself isn’t being deceitful or misleading, it’s just part of human nature.
Today, I’m going to see Jax, to apologize for giving him a black eye when all he’s been to me since the day I moved to town is an amazing friend. Of anyone in K Falls, Jax understands me. He doesn’t view life in black and white, having battled his own checkered path of bad boy to husband and father.
When I arrive at the stables, he’s saddling up one of the mustangs, Blaze, for the first time. “Taking your life in your own hands today, Jax?” I’ve watched Jax being the fucking horse whisperer over the past few months, and I know this stallion was particularly tough to work with.
He glances over his shoulder, his eye now deep shades of blue and purple. “I survived you, rock star, so this guy will be a piece of cake.”
“I’m so sorry, Jax. I don’t know what came over me.”
He pins me with his cool stare before a wry grin creeps in at the corner of his lips. “You’re dealing with a set of fucked-up circumstances right now. Women make us do crazy shit. You are forgiven. A.B. took a look at this shiner and assured me my face will return to its Adonis-like level of handsome in a few days.”
I anticipate what he needs next, handing it to him while he works. “If it makes you feel any better, my ribs hurt like a motherfucker, and my busted lip now rivals Mick Jagger.”
His laughter echoes in the eaves. “I’ve made you better-looking. I don’t know about Jagger, but you’re definitely more rugged. An authentic cowboy.”
“I don’t suppose you want the company of an authentic cowboy on your ride today. I’d love to watch this mustang give you a run for your money.”
“Sure. Saddle up a horse, and we’ll get going.”
“Thanks.”
“No thanks needed. It’s just a horse ride, not a promise ring.”
“I mean… thanks for understanding.”
“Any time.”
We make small talk while we finish saddling the horses, and I’m surprised it takes him a good ten minutes before he asks the million-dollar question. “So, when do you leave?”
“Tomorrow.”
“And are you going to smooth things over with the good doctor before you go?”
“I can’t. Not right now. I need to focus on getting through the first leg of this new tour without fucking everything up. If I can do that and prove to myself and Ellie that I can handle my life outside K Falls, then I’ll be back here with bells on and a ring in my pocket.”
He eyes me warily. “That’s great, bro, but you’re going to be gone for a few months. Do you really expect a woman like her to wait around on the off chance that you’re coming back for her? You should at least have a conversation and let her know where your head’s at.”
“If I go to her tonight, I won’t be able to leave, and I have to do this. She’ll understand.”
“I’m just saying if she thinks there’s no hope for you guys, she might start dating. It’s not like you’re just going for a few days.”
“I’ll figure something out, but for now, can we just go and ride? I could really use the distraction.”
“Fair enough. Let’s see what Blaze can do.”
I never thought of myself as an outdoors kind of guy, but I love being out riding the fields of Mustang. There’s such a freedom to let go of everything that’s weighing me down and just exist in the moment.
Jax handles his horse with expert ease as if it were a tame show pony. It’s pretty awe-inspiring to watch. We spend a few hours just enjoying the day before heading back to the stables, but when we get there, I have an idea—a parting gift for Ellie.
I take a leisurely walk into town for some gift wrap, a box, and a new notebook, appreciating the panoramic vistas at every turn. K Falls has gotten under my skin, burrowing so deep it’s set down roots. This is my home. For the first time in my life, I have a place to call home in every sense of the word. I just hope when all is said and done, Ellie will still want to share this home and life with me.
As the sun rises on my second chance at the life I always wanted, my mind is entirely elsewhere. I wrap a gift for Ellie—a token of my love—and make the short walk to her doorstep.
I knock on the door, but she doesn’t answer. I really thought I’d catch her before she left for work, and I don’t have time to go in search of her. My cab will be here in a few minutes. If I run, I can check the therapy center.
Taking off at a sprint with her gift cradled in my arm like a football, I’m in a race against the clock. The long grass speckles my clothes with morning dew drops as I run toward the center, jumping fences and fighting the protestations of my muscles this early in the day.
My phone buzzes in my pocket, and I know it’s the cab driver. He’s here, and I’m out of time. The front door is unlocked, and a glimmer of hope blooms deep in the pit of my stomach. My breathing is labored, and I’m covered in a soft sheen of sweat, but I can’t fix any of that, so I just have to go with it.
I make my way to Ellie’s office, but there’s no sign of her. I check everywhere I can think of without success. When I can’t wait any longer, I go back to her office, set the gift smack-bang in the middle of her desk, grab a Post-it note, and scribble a quick message.
You gave me wings to fly. I just need time. J x
Eighteen
Ellie
I miss him.
Every minute of every day, I miss Johnny.
I carry the journal of song lyrics he left me everywhere I go. I messaged him that day to tell him I’d be here when he’s ready, but it gets more difficult as time passes. His absence in my bed, at my dinner table, on the ranch is an ache I can’t ease.
My amazing new life in Kingsbury Falls has lost its shine. All my friends have been amazing since Johnny left, trying to take my mind off the distinct lack of his presence everywhere I turn.
A.B. has gone into full-blown mamma mode, trying to feed me until I burst. I love her for it, but my jeans are on the verge of being unwearable. She and Maddox have been so kind, pretending I’m not a third wheel in their life right now. They give me so much comfort, and at the same time, it’s almost unbearable to be around them. On a good day, they give me hope that second chances are possible, and maybe Johnny and I will find a way through this. On a bad day, they are a glaring example of everything I may never have.
The day after he left, Jax came to see me, sporting a black eye, and before he opened his mouth, I knew who gave it to him. He told me eve
rything, and I’ve been holding onto his words and Johnny’s music lyrics ever since. As a girlfriend, I want to run after Johnny and tell him none of it matters, but I know that’s not true. As his unwitting therapist, I should let him go and have faith that he’ll find his way back to me. Some days it’s harder than others to hold steadfast.
I’ve read the transcripts of our sessions a hundred times, berating myself for not seeing it. How good of a therapist can I really be when I knew so little of JBG Anon that I didn’t realize he was the man warming my bed and stealing my heart? The premise of my online therapy practice has been called into question, and I haven’t been able to face it in weeks. Thankfully, I have a full staff who has taken on my patients.
I’ve cried tears of despair and joy. There are moments in the transcripts of our sessions that I can see with hindsight—Johnny was discussing his love for me, and at the time, I had no idea he was talking about me. At other points, I see how hard he fought his feelings. I knew it was selfish to let myself fall for him during his first year of sobriety, and yet, in the end, I did it anyway.
The band has been playing gigs on the East Coast, and tonight they’re in New York. I fought myself at every turn, but this morning I got on a plane and came out to speak to him or just watch him play. I need to see with my own eyes that he’s okay, even if he doesn’t want to see me.
No one knows I’m here except Piper, and that’s only because I’m staying with her tonight. I told the staff at the center that I was feeling under the weather and took a sick day. I thought about running it past Belle, but I figured she’d probably talk me out of it, and if I don’t see him in person, I worry he’ll think I’ve moved on. I haven’t. I won’t.
I buy a ticket in the nose-bleed section and wait with bated breath until the band runs out on stage. From this vantage point, Johnny is a speck in the distance, but knowing it’s him sets my body on fire. Just knowing I’m in the same physical space as him dulls the ache I’ve been carrying around for weeks.
