by Maria Savva
From Cara’s perspective, time itself had slowed, as if it were waiting too.
At lunchtime, Gloria entered the bedroom. ‘Cara, I’ve spoken to Paul,’ she said without even saying hello.
Cara braced herself for bad news; Gloria had said “Paul”, rather than Benjamin, distancing him from her.
‘He’ll be here at seven o’clock.’
‘H-he’s agreed to see me?’ she gasped the words, placing a hand on her chest as she spoke.
‘Yes, he’ll be here at seven, but he can’t stay for long.’
Cara felt herself smile; she smiled as she had not done for a long time, as though all the years of pain and worry had been washed away.
That evening, Gloria ushered Benjamin into Cara’s room and then left, closing the door behind her.
The man at the door wore a grey pinstripe suit, cream shirt, and striped blue and yellow tie. He’d made an effort to dress up, it seemed; Cara could not recall ever seeing him in a suit. The Benjamin she’d known had usually worn jeans or casual trousers and shirts, even when he was working. His face hadn’t changed much with time. There were a few grey and white strands in amongst his thick black hair, which reminded her how long it had been since they’d last seen each other.
‘Ben,’ she said, with an enormous effort not to become overemotional.
‘Hello, Mum.’ He sat on the chair next to the bed and, as he did so, she caught the fresh scent of his aftershave.
He studied the carpet, unable—or unwilling—to meet her eyes.
She recalled how, as a young boy, when he’d been naughty and expected to be told off, he would behave in a similar fashion. It made her want to reach out and hold him.
‘Thank you for coming.’ She stretched out her arm, trying to reach the tissue box on the bedside cabinet.
He pushed the box nearer to her, managing a smile.
Cara discreetly dried her eyes as Benjamin stared fixedly at the carpet. ‘Ben,’ she managed to say, after a brief pause. ‘It’s been such a long time.’
‘I shouldn’t be here,’ he said. ‘I can’t deal with this.’ Standing up he turned his back on her.
‘Ben!’
‘I have to go. I’m meeting an important business contact for dinner.’
‘This is more important than a business meeting!’ She tried to catch his eye but was unable to. Sighing, she added, ‘That’s always been your problem: you could never get your priorities right.’
He twisted around to face her, incredulity highlighting the lines on his brow. ‘Why have you called me here? What good will it do?’
She felt an urge to hit out at him for all the suffering he’d caused Margaret and the girls and for the fact he had not kept in touch for the past sixteen years oblivious of her feelings. She noticed his eyes, so similar to Frederick’s, the same eyes that could inspire love and break hearts and lives. ‘I’m your mother, Ben, and I’ve waited for years for some news, to know you’re all right.’
‘I caused nothing but trouble; I thought you’d all be glad to see the back of me.’
‘You can’t just abandon your family and expect no one to care. I thought about you every day and wished you would come home.’
He raised his eyebrows. ‘But I did a terrible thing: I nearly killed Maggie.’
‘It was a terrible thing, but she survived and you knew that. Why didn’t you ever get in touch to let us know where you were?’
‘As I said, I didn’t think you’d be bothered.’
‘We all miss you. Cathy, Jamie…’
‘I couldn’t stay there and be that person. I don’t have any regrets. No disrespect to you or the rest of the family, but I know I made the right decision, leaving when I did.’
‘Please sit down, Ben.’ It pained her to see him hover next to the chair, knowing he wanted to get away.
He sat down and twisted his watch on his wrist so he could see the time.
‘Didn’t you ever miss us… think about us?’
He shrugged. ‘I’ve left the past behind. I’ve got a new family now.’
Cara hadn’t expected that. Her dreams of a joyful reunion with her son were evaporating. He seemed to regard her as a stranger and, worse still, someone he didn’t particularly care to know. He’d always been uncommunicative as a child, and she hadn’t been able to get close to him even then. The wall was still there: nothing had changed.
‘I’m your mother,’ she said, dabbing the tears threatening to fall. ‘Are you telling me you’ve never regretted leaving, not saying goodbye?’
‘I don’t know.’ He stood up.
‘What you did to Maggie is unforgivable, yes. She told me how you abused her for all those years, making her life a misery; I didn’t want to accept I had a son capable of such—’
‘Have you brought me here to dredge up the past and make me feel guilty?’
‘No, please sit down, I need to talk to you. I hear you’ve changed, you’re not the same man you were then.’
‘Yes, I have changed,’ he said, fidgeting.
‘I can’t forgive what you did to Maggie, but no matter what you’ve done, you’re still my son and you should be with your family.’
‘I am with my family: Claire and Amy, and Mandy.’
‘Yes, but… I mean, the rest of the family, too. How can you so easily cut us out of your life?’
He sat back down on the chair, holding his forehead, as if he felt pressured by her questions.
Eventually, he sat upright. ‘It’s difficult for me to explain, but I want to forget about the past.’
‘There’s no reason for you to cut yourself off from the family anymore, Ben.’
‘I’ve moved on: I’ve left that part of my life behind.’
‘But you can’t keep running away. Don’t you even care about what happened to your family? Your brother and sister? Your girls?’ She sniffed and placed the tissue she was holding under her nose.
Benjamin was still fidgeting, perspiration on his brow. Avoiding her eyes, he said, ‘Of course I care, but everything’s changed.’ He reached out to touch her hand. ‘I’ll always love you, but I’ll be risking too much if I open the door to my old life. If Claire even gets a hint of what happened between me and Maggie, she’ll leave me and I’ll have nothing.’
‘Perhaps it’s time you told Claire the truth. It’s no good living with lies.’
‘I made a decision to cut my ties sixteen years ago because I had to: if I didn’t, I wouldn’t have been able to change. It hasn’t been easy; I’ve struggled, but I’m doing all right. I’m sorry, but it’s too late; I’m not risking what I have now for a past filled with hate.’ He walked to the door.
‘Ben—’
‘Please don’t call me that. My name’s Paul. Goodbye, Mum.’ He grasped the door handle.
‘Benjamin is the name I gave you. How dare you treat me like this? I’m your mother.’
‘I don’t need a mother. I’m old enough to take care of myself.’ He opened the bedroom door.
‘You haven’t changed at all, have you?’ she said, practically spitting the words, and suddenly the anxiety of the past sixteen years took hold and she wanted him to feel it too.
He held on to the handle of the half-open door, his back to her.
‘Keep fooling yourself you’re this new, changed man. In reality, you’re selfish: selfish Benjamin Edwards, who always takes the easy way out, running away at the first sign of trouble.’
He turned to her, red-faced.
‘I’m ashamed to call you my son.’ She took a deep breath and went on, ‘You see me here, an old woman, begging you to let me back into your life in my last years, but you’re just going to walk away. I’m willing to take you back into my life even after all you did to your family; Maggie, Penny, Jemima. Where were you when Penny and Jemima needed a dad? Where were you when Penny was being beaten up by her husband every day?’
‘What?’
‘No, go on, go. You don’t want to face the past; you hav
e a new life. You’re Paul. It’s a fine role you’re playing: faithful husband and dutiful father. If the mask slips slightly you’re afraid they’ll see you for who you really are, though, aren’t you? You haven’t changed, Ben; you’ll always be the man who nearly killed Maggie.’
‘I’ve changed.’
‘Well then, why can’t you admit it to yourself?’ She sniffed, battling to keep her composure. ‘If you’ve changed, what would be so frightening about getting in touch with the rest of the family and making your peace? If you sat down with Claire and explained things to her—’
‘No. I can’t.’ He sat down opposite her. ‘Ever since I’ve been with Claire I’ve been the perfect gentleman. I’m so scared of going back to the person I was before, it’s like I’m keeping myself in check all the time. I’ve managed to keep it up for so many years, that it’s me: that’s who I am. But seeing you again has thrown me, it’s made me remember what I was like—how I treated Maggie—and I don’t want to be reminded of it. I shut it out for so long. Look at me, I’m shaking!’ He held up a trembling hand. ‘I can feel the guilt inside. It’s as if I’m back there whenever I look at you.’
‘That’s because you ran away, Ben, and you’re still running. You haven’t faced up to the past. Isn’t it about time you admitted to yourself that you’re not that person anymore? You’re not. I still love you; we all love you. You’re part of the family. Put right the wrongs you did in the past and come back to us. Make us proud of you.’
‘I would have to tell Claire everything.’ Closing his eyes briefly, he put a hand to his brow. ‘I can’t, don’t you see? I never told her why I left Maggie. I was so ashamed, I made up my past. I lied to her.’
‘Yes, but she’ll understand why you lied.’
‘No, she won’t.’ His eyes were wide. ‘She’ll be afraid of me and she won’t trust me. I’ve already missed out on seeing Jemima and Penny grow up, I couldn’t survive if she took Amy from me.’
‘That won’t happen, Ben. Talk to Claire. It’s not right that you should be so estranged from the rest of your family.’
‘I told you, it hasn’t been easy for me, but I made a choice. I had to choose.’ Standing up, he walked over to the window. He looked out of the window for a while. Eventually, he turned around. ‘When Aunty Glor told me Dad had died, it broke my heart. I couldn’t go to the funeral… I wanted to. I really did.’
He sat down again at the foot of the bed.
She could see his eyes brimming with tears.
‘I couldn’t bring myself to drive you to London the other day, to the grave. I wanted to go so I could see the grave—that’s why I initially agreed to drive you there. I didn’t even stop to think about the consequences of us meeting up like that. But in the end I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I was too afraid I’d cry if I saw Dad’s grave. I’m sorry.’
‘Billy was a good man,’ she said, avoiding his eyes.
‘I felt so guilty when I heard he’d died and I wouldn’t get a chance to tell him I loved him. I’d disappeared from his life. I idolised him and wanted to be just like him, you know. It’s his influence in my life that has helped me to become who I am today. I’ll never forget him. I wish he could have known he meant so much to me.’
Cara recalled how close he had been to Billy, shuddering when she saw his tear-filled eyes and was reminded, yet again, of Frederick Johnson.
‘I didn’t mean to hurt you, but don’t you see? I had to leave the past behind.’
‘It may have been the right decision at the time, Ben,’ she said, looking at her hands. ‘Things are different now. I’m old. I’ll be gone soon, and I want to spend my final years with all my family around me.’
He stood up and folded his arms. ‘So you want me to tell Claire everything and risk losing all I have?’
‘She’s not all you have. Think about the way you felt when your father died. That’s how you’ll feel when you hear about me dying; that’s how you’ll feel if you hear about, God forbid, something happening to your brother, your sister, or Penny, or Jemima. Don’t leave it too late to do the right thing, Ben.’
‘But Amy—’
‘What about Penny and Jemima?’
‘Oh God.’ He covered his face with his hands. ‘Tell me it’s not true about Penny’s husband beating her up… please.’
Cara looked down at her blanket. ‘It’s true,’ she said, ‘but she’s safe now. She has two sons, you know, Andrew and Carl, they’re about the same age as Amy.’
‘What about Jemima?’ he said to his hands.
‘I don’t know,’ replied Cara. ‘She moved away to Jersey with Maggie over ten years ago. They’ve never kept in touch.’
‘Isn’t she even in touch with Penny?’
‘No, they fell out because Maggie thought Penny’s husband, David, was too similar to you. She didn’t want her to marry him, but Penny didn’t listen.’
‘Looks like she was right about Penny’s husband.’
‘Yes.’
‘I can’t imagine Penny would want to know me, and I’m sure the rest of the family probably feel the same. I’m trouble. I’ve caused them enough pain.’ He walked back to the window.
‘Nonsense. I’m sure everyone would be so relieved to know you’re alive. Time changes everything. They’ll be pleased to see you.’
He turned to look at her. ‘Come on, let’s face reality: Penny has suffered at the hands of a violent husband, why would she want to see me? I used to hit Maggie.’
‘That was then.’
‘Where is Penny?’
‘I don’t know. She’s at a women’s refuge, in hiding from her husband.’
‘Little Penny, my little girl. Amy reminds me so much of her.’
His mobile phone sounded. ‘Hello,’ he said. ‘Yes, yes. Sorry, I’m running a bit late. I’ll be there soon.’ He placed the phone inside his jacket pocket. ‘I really have to go, Mum. I’ll think about what you’ve said.’
Cara sat staring at the bedroom door after Benjamin left. He’d brought the past back with him when he reappeared in her life, and their conversation had stirred up hidden emotions that were now taunting her.
She’d accused him of lying to Claire about his life. Yes, he had lied, but she too had lied, and now her lies were mocking her, asking her if she could tell the family about Frederick Johnson. Could she tell them Benjamin might not be Billy’s son? Could she tell them she’d married Billy to escape her bitter existence in the aftermath of her relationship with Frederick?
Since Billy’s death she’d fooled herself that none of it really mattered and that it was mainly Billy she’d deceived, but now she knew better. Benjamin had grieved over Billy’s death as a son.
Even after so many years, she still felt unable to reveal her skeletons. Why? Was it because she knew she was still, and would always be, the girl who’d nearly killed herself over her relationship with Frederick Johnson?
As her conscience churned these thoughts around, Cara became conscious of holding the silver locket between her fingers. She lifted it up so she could see it more clearly. Her mind begged the question: Am I still in love with him? As if to hide her shame, she covered the necklace with her nightdress.
Gloria knocked on the bedroom door and entered. ‘How did it go?’ she asked.
Cara smiled, trying to keep her composure. ‘As well as can be expected, I suppose.’
Gloria sat on the chair next to the bed.
‘I think I’ll get an early night tonight,’ said Cara, faking a yawn, not in the mood for company.
‘All right, dear. I only popped in to let you know that while you were in here with Paul… sorry, Benjamin, Catherine phoned. I didn’t want to disturb you, so I said you were asleep. She wanted me to tell you that David went to her flat this morning and spoke to Tom. She says Tom may have told him you’re living here. She asked me to pass the message on.’
Gloria was smiling as she relayed the message, so Cara realised that Catherine had not told her wh
y Penelope and David had split.
‘I’ll let you rest,’ Gloria said, standing up.
‘Wait,’ Cara said. ‘If David calls here can you tell him I’m not living with you.’
Gloria knitted her brow, ‘Um… okay.’ She walked to the door, then turned to face Cara. ‘Where has Penelope gone?’ she asked.
‘She had to go away for a while. Her marriage was going through a bad patch.’ Cara took a deep breath.
‘Right.’ Gloria nodded. ‘Goodnight, Cara,’ she said, turning off the light on her way out.
Cara shivered, feeling sure she would not be able to sleep tonight; she’d be listening out for the slightest noise and praying David would not find his way to Huddlesea.
CHAPTER TWENTY
After he left Gloria’s house, Benjamin went to his meeting with Peter James, the representative of Kington Homes, to discuss plans for a new development of properties in Huddlesea, which Peter said would make the town a more “vibrant and exciting” area. Benjamin nodded and smiled in all the right places and agreed to meet Peter again to discuss a contract when the plans for the development were finalised, but he found it hard to concentrate throughout the meeting because he’d been left in a state of confusion after seeing his mother.
She’d looked so old and frail, so far removed from the woman he’d known; it had stirred regret for all the wasted years. He hadn’t anticipated that he’d feel so emotional. In hindsight, he knew he was foolish to expect she would still look the same after sixteen years, but whenever he’d thought about her during the years they were apart, the image he had of her in his head was the same, never aged.
He knew her MS must have progressed because she was bedridden. In the past, as she’d appeared to be quite fit and well most of the time, he could practically forget she had any health issues. Seeing her today, it crossed his mind that she might not live much longer.
Although she’d remained in his memory over the years, he’d believed it would not bother him too much if he never saw her again. Today’s encounter had altered his perception. He wanted a chance to put things right before it was too late.
