by Maria Savva
‘But,’ he held the photograph out in front of him. ‘You kept this… so I must have meant something to you.’
Shrugging, she took the photograph back from him. ‘I was a little girl when I first put this photo in my purse. I wanted what all children want, I suppose: a happy family, a mum and dad. A dream. I had this stupid idea that if I kept this photo in there it meant everything would be all right, you know? Like there was some hope in the world. I suppose it became a superstition after a while, and whenever I’d get a new purse I’d always put this photo in it. A picture of my family. I didn’t want to let it go.’ She paused. ‘What you have to realise is, I’ve never really known you. This photo—this smiling man, proud to be with his wife and daughter—this is the “fantasy dad” I had. Not you. You were gone. You let us down.’
‘I know,’ he said, looking at the floor. ‘It’s just—’
‘It’s also bad timing, you turning up today at Mum’s funeral. It’s so… I don’t know, so inappropriate. You shouldn’t have come here today.’
‘I have to say, I agree,’ said Cara. ‘The girls don’t need to be reminded of the way you treated Maggie, especially on a day like today.’
‘I’m sorry for what I did,’ he said. ‘That’s part of the reason I came to the funeral. It sounds stupid, but I needed to be there. I suppose I hoped, in some way, Maggie would know I was sorry for what I did to her. It was my last chance.’
‘Okay, so you’ve made your peace with Mum, but what do you want from me and Pen?’ asked Jemima. ‘You stayed away for so long and you’ve got another family. Why are you here?’
‘I want the chance to make up for the past. I didn’t know the harm I was doing to your mum or you in those days. I can see clearer now I’m watching my Amy grow up. I want you to know I’m here for you. I love you. Both of you.’
Cara could not help feeling sorry for him; he appeared so distraught.
‘I’d love you to meet Amy.’
‘I’m not sure,’ said Jemima.
‘Take your time, but promise me you’ll think about it. I’ll give you my phone number, my address. You can visit.’
Jemima shrugged.
‘Penny will be back soon,’ said Cara.
‘I need to speak to her.’
‘I don’t think today is the right time, Ben.’
‘But… you don’t really think she meant it when she said she wanted me to leave, do you?’
As much as Cara sympathised, she knew Penelope would be livid if she found him here when she returned. ‘Please, Ben, you’ve had your chance to explain everything. You should leave. The girls will contact you when they’re ready.’
‘I want to speak to Penny, though; I need to help her understand.’
‘If you care about Penny at all, you’ll leave now,’ said Cara.
The doorbell rang.
‘I’ll get it,’ said Jemima.
Shortly, she re-entered the room. ‘Nan, it’s someone to see you.’
Frederick walked into the room behind Jemima.
Cara felt paranoid, imagining that Jemima and Benjamin could see her innermost feelings rise to the surface. At first sight of his face, a deep-rooted yearning blossomed in her heart. She recalled how helplessly in love with him she had been in her youth, unable to imagine life without him. Recently, the long lost desires were creeping back.
‘Hello, Cara,’ he said. He was frowning. ‘I need to speak to you.’
‘Freddie,’ she said, unable to speak further. Her mind was whirring.
Jemima sat back down on the sofa.
Frederick remained standing.
Taking a deep breath, Cara managed to say, ‘What are you doing here?’
‘I should think that’s obvious,’ said Frederick, suddenly seeming to notice that there were other people in the room. ‘Cara, is there any chance we could talk privately?’
‘No,’ she said defensively, her cheeks reddening. ‘Whatever you have to say can be said in front of my family.’
‘I got the test results this morning,’ he said, and waited for her to speak.
‘The test results,’ she said, suddenly remembering the envelope sitting on her bedside cabinet. Judging by his demeanour, her suspicions were right and Benjamin was, beyond doubt, his son.
‘I need some answers,’ he said.
‘Do you want us to leave you alone?’ asked Jemima, standing up.
‘No, dear,’ said Cara quickly. She prayed he would leave, but equally she could not help staring at him as if he were some kind of idol. The duplicity of her emotions scared her, as did the way she virtually lost control of her senses in his presence.
‘Why didn’t you tell me this sooner, Cara? Why didn’t you tell me I had a son?’
Why did he care? He hadn’t cared about her all those years ago when he left her stranded, left her to choose her fate, after cruelly leading her halfway to paradise and abandoning her in a desert to fend for herself.
Benjamin stood up. ‘This is my dad?’ he asked.
‘Y-yes,’ she stammered.
‘What?’ Jemima’s brow furrowed.
‘Well?’ said Frederick, looking at Cara and then at Benjamin and then back at Cara. ‘Why didn’t you tell me I had a son?’
‘I didn’t know I was pregnant until I married Billy,’ she said, trying to find her bearings as she spoke.
‘What did you tell your husband?’
‘That’s none of your business.’
‘I had a right to know.’ Frederick’s cheeks reddened.
She hadn’t seen this aggressive side of his personality before—it helped her to separate him in her mind from the young man she’d fallen hopelessly in love with years ago. She no longer felt so in awe of him. ‘How could I contact you? I didn’t know where you lived,’ she said, rolling her eyes. ‘And besides, I never knew for sure he was your son.’
‘You must have known,’ Frederick said bluntly. ‘He even looks like me.’ He pointed at Benjamin.
‘As far as I’m concerned, Ben is Billy’s son, I don’t care about the test results.’
‘So this is my dad?’ said Benjamin, repeating himself, as if stuck in a time warp.
Cara jumped, having almost forgotten there was anyone else in the room. ‘Er… yes, Ben, yes,’ she said impatiently.
The two men nodded awkwardly at each other.
‘And, what would you have done, if you’d known he was your son? You were already married, remember?’
‘I would have stood by you,’ said Frederick.
‘In what way would you have stood by me?’
‘I cared about you, Cara.’
She blushed, then became annoyed with herself for letting him get to her. ‘You didn’t care about me,’ she huffed. ‘You’ve only ever cared about yourself.’
‘I did care about you,’ he said. ‘I loved you. I was married when we met, what could I do? I couldn’t just leave my wife and children; you know what people were like back then.’ He sat down on the armchair next to her.
Her eyes met his. Those eyes—inherited by Benjamin and Penelope—had stayed with her as a reminder and ensured she could never forget him. Looking at him now, she wanted to trust every word he said. She averted her gaze. How could he still have such a hold on her?
‘I’m sorry I hurt you—’
‘You weren’t sorry back then, were you?’ accused Cara.
‘Of course I was. I tried to contact you, but you refused to meet with me.’
‘What do you mean?’
Frederick was unable to stop thinking about Cara. She haunted his sleep. He hated himself for letting their relationship go so far without telling her the truth and needed to speak to her, to explain his reasons. The feelings of guilt and pain were too much to bear.
As he stood in front of her house and hesitated at the door edged with trailing ivy, he wondered whether she had told her parents about what had happened. Taking a deep breath to calm his nerves, he knocked on the front door.
&nb
sp; When the door opened, he was greeted by a pretty girl with long red hair. ‘Hello.’
She resembled Cara. Frederick surmised she must be her sister.
‘Hello.’ He smiled at the girl. ‘I’ve come to see Cara.’
‘She’s not in, I’m afraid. What’s your name?’
‘I’m Fr…a friend.’ He thought it best not to mention his name; her family would not take kindly to his visit if she’d told them about him.
‘I’m her sister; I could pass on a message.’
‘Yes, please.’ Having anticipated the possibility Cara would refuse to see him, he’d prepared a note he could leave for her. ‘Please would you give her this note? It’s important she gets it today.’
‘Yes, of course,’ said Gloria, taking the envelope. ‘I’ll make sure she gets it.’ With that, she closed the front door.
Once inside the house, Gloria studied the envelope. Expensive paper, sealed with a wax seal. The man had looked very distinguished in his suit. He was handsome.
Gloria felt curious as to why this young man had come to see Cara; she was engaged to Billy. Gloria first began to doubt Cara’s integrity when Beattie became pregnant, on the basis that the two girls spent most of their time together and therefore had to be alike.
Gloria opened the envelope and read the note:
Darling Cara,
I’m so sorry. I didn’t want to hurt you. I now realise how much you mean to me. Meet me at eight o’clock in The Horse and Dragon. We have to talk.
All my Love, Freddie xx
Just as she had suspected, her younger sister was apparently living a less than innocent existence. She knew Cara had been dating a man from out of town, called Freddie, before she met her fiancé. Was she still seeing him? How could she be so blatantly deceitful? Gloria tore the note into tiny shreds and threw the confetti-like pieces into the open fire in the living room, her forehead tense with anger as she watched the remnants of the letter turn to ashes.
Frederick waited hopefully at The Horse and Dragon that evening. Cara did not appear. He ended the evening on his fourth double whisky, telling himself he should have known this would happen. How could he expect her to let him back into her life after what he had done?
‘I was really upset when you didn’t turn up,’ he said.
‘Glor never gave the note to me,’ said Cara, feeling a strange sense of loss. ‘Not surprising; we hated each other back then.’
‘I went to your home again a few weeks later. Your father answered the door. He told me you were getting married. It broke my heart, I didn’t want you to marry anyone else.’
Cara raised her eyebrows. ‘You knew I was getting married?’
‘Yes, I even went to the wedding, with the intention of stopping it.’ He laughed drily.
‘Cara’s getting married?’ Frederick felt awkward as he asked the question.
‘Yes, my little girl is getting married on Sunday,’ said Cara’s father proudly.
‘This Sunday?’ Frederick knitted his brow.
‘Yes, at St Mary’s Church. The same church her mother and I were married in twenty-six years ago.’
‘I’m sure it will be lovely,’ said Frederick. ‘I’ll catch up with Cara another time.’ He turned to walk away.
‘But wait,’ her father called after him. ‘If you’re an old friend of Cara’s, I’m sure she’d want you to be there.’
Frederick continued to walk back to his car.
He sat in the vehicle for a while, shellshocked. Cara was getting married? It had only been a few weeks since their last meeting and she’d been so in love with him then.
She would be making a terrible mistake. He would have to try to stop her.
Frederick stood across the road from St Mary’s Church and watched the wedding cars arrive.
The groom stepped out of a grand white car, grinning. Everyone cheered.
Frederick told himself he could not let Cara go ahead with the marriage. She couldn’t be in love with him one minute and marry another man the next; it was irrational.
Shortly, another car arrived. Cara stepped out wearing a long, flowing white dress, holding a bouquet of white roses.
Frederick stepped forward to see her more clearly, making sure to stay out of sight of the wedding party. He had never seen her looking quite so beautiful.
Soon everyone went into the church, and Frederick proceeded to cross the road. He knew what he would say as soon as the opportunity presented itself.
Entering the church, he walked close enough to the front of the aisle so as to have a good view of Cara.
Dressed smartly to blend in with the guests, he wore a false beard and moustache, his hair slicked back to alter his usual appearance.
Soon the priest started the ceremony. Cara turned around and smiled at her parents.
Frederick bowed his head—afraid she would recognise him—but then, remembering his disguise, felt brave enough to look at her. He noticed her hand go up to her eye to wipe away tears as she swivelled back around to face the front of the church.
He watched the groom take her hand and smile. With a sense of shame, Frederick recalled the many times had he looked at her with love in his eyes and lied to her so easily.
Slowly he realised that as soon as he’d told her he couldn’t marry her, he’d lost her for ever; she didn’t want to meet him to discuss it, didn’t respond to his letter.
Cara appeared so content; happiness radiated from her core. Frederick doubted he’d ever be able to make her so happy.
He’d planned to turn the wedding into a dramatic scene—she would fall into his arms, he’d carry her away—but he felt unworthy. Tears of frustration burning in his eyes, he turned on his heel and left the church.
Gloria was sitting on the steps outside the church. He scurried past her and she glanced up at him, a spark of recognition in her eyes.
He ran down the rest of the steps and out of the churchyard.
‘Y-you were at the wedding?’ Cara put a hand in front of her mouth.
‘Yes.’ Frederick nodded.
‘You were at the wedding?’ She repeated the words, remembering how her thoughts were of Frederick as she’d stood next to Billy at the altar.
‘Only briefly.’
‘I can’t believe what I’m hearing. I suppose you went home to your wife afterwards, did you?’
‘My marriage wasn’t working, I was only keeping up appearances for the children’s sake. She left me for another man the year after. She left me to bring the children up on my own.’
‘You probably deserved it,’ Cara sneered. ‘Why are you here, Freddie? If it’s to see your son, he’s here. You can do what you like. It’s all in the past, and as far as I’m concerned it belongs there. I never asked for this paternity test to be done.’
She couldn’t let him know she still cared. All the things he had just told her were spinning around in her mind. Coming back down to earth, she noticed Jemima had left the room. It had happened again, just as it used to whenever she was with Frederick; the rest of the world became secondary, invisible.
Noticing Benjamin was still there staring fixedly at Frederick, Cara said, ‘You should be going, Ben.’
Benjamin stood up, slowly. ‘I’d like to keep in touch,’ he said.
‘Goodbye, Ben,’ she said.
He smiled awkwardly at Frederick.
Frederick watched him leave the room.
She felt strange being alone with Frederick, tempted to call Benjamin back. She couldn’t allow the door to her old emotions to open up, afraid of what she might find.
‘Cara, if I’d known we had a son, I would have taken care of you. I really loved you. Why didn’t you tell me? I thought you loved me.’
I did love you, Freddie. I loved you more than I’ve ever loved anyone. I still love you. She heard the words in her head and battled to keep them from her lips. Her heart fought with her head. She wanted him to leave, but she wanted him to stay. Go away, Freddie! she was screaming in
side, wishing she could stand up and leave.
‘Let me tell you one thing,’ she started. ‘You wouldn’t have had a son if it wasn’t for my Billy.’ She avoided his eyes, and continued: ‘Ben would have been dead, and so would I: because of you.’ Her cheeks reddened. Since Billy’s death, she’d sworn she would never reveal this secret to a living soul.
‘What do you mean?’
‘The night you told me you were married, I wanted to die. I couldn’t imagine my life without you. I’d built so many dreams around me and you, and I thought we’d be together for ever. You betrayed me.’
He put a hand on her arm.
‘I was only a young girl. A stupid girl.’ Turning away from him, she said, ‘I tried to kill myself. Billy saved me and gave me a reason to live. If he didn’t save me, Ben would have been dead. So you see, that’s why I consider Billy to be his father.’
Frederick held his head in his hands. When he looked up at her, she saw tears in his eyes.
‘Cara, it was me…’ He stopped as if unable to continue.
‘What do you mean?’
‘I saved you.’
‘Wh… what are you saying?’
‘I followed you. I saw you jump from Stoneleigh Cliffs.’
Cara put a hand to her throat.
‘I jumped in after you,’ he confessed. ‘I pulled you to safety. I called someone over to stay with you while I phoned for an ambulance. That must have been Billy.’
‘You’re lying. It can’t be true.’
‘It is true,’ he said.
‘But you never said anything at the time. I assumed Billy…’ She cast her mind back to that night, her recollection hazy. Billy hadn’t claimed that he’d saved her life—he’d just happened to be the first person she saw when she found herself on the shore at Stoneleigh. They never spoke about the incident in any detail. She, in particular, feeling foolish whenever she remembered what she’d done, preferred not to talk about it.
Frederick waited at the far end of the stony beach, near the road, for the ambulance to arrive. Why were they taking so long? The minutes dragged. He hoped she’d be all right. Her body was limp when he’d pulled her out of the sea.
