by Thomas Otway
Scap.
Ask? Hang him, why he ask’d 500 l.
Thr.
Ouns and Heart, 500 l. Five hundred Devils take him, — and fry and frigassee the Dog; does he take me for a mad-Man?
Scap.
Why, so I said; and after much argument I brought him to this: Dammee, says he, I am going to the Army, and I must have Two good Horses for my self, for fear one should die; and those will cost at least Threescore Guinea’s.
Thr.
Hang him Rogue! Why should he have two Horses? But I care not if I give Threescore Guinea’s to be rid of this Affair.
Scap.
Then, says he, my Pistols, Saddle, Hose, Cloth, and all, will cost Twenty more.
Thr.
Why, That’s Fourscore.
Scap.
Well reckoned; faith, this Arithmatick is a fine Art: Then I must have One for my Boy, will cost Twenty more.
Thr.
Oh the Devil! Confounded Dog! Let him go and be damn’d, I’ll give him nothing.
Scap.
Sir.
Thr.
Not a Sous, damn’d Rascal, let him turn Foot-Souldier and be hanged.
Scap.
He has a Man besides; Would you have him go a Foot?
Thr.
Ay, and his Master too, I’ll have nothing to do with him.
Scap.
Well, You are resolv’d to spend twice as much at Doctors Commons, you are, you will stand out for such a Sum as this; do.
Thr.
Hah! Oh damn’d unconscionable Rascal! well if it must be so. Let him have the other twenty.
Scap.
Twenty! why it comes to forty.
Thr.
No I’le have nothing to do in it. Oh a Coveteous Rogue! I wonder he is not ashamed to be so Covetous.
Scap.
Why this is nothing to the Charge at Doctors Commons, and though her Brother has no Money, she has an Uncle able to defend her.
Thr.
Oh Eternal Rogue! well I must do’t, the Divels in him I think!
Scap.
Then saies he, I must carry into France money to buy a Mule to carry —
Thr.
Let him to the Devil with his Mule, I’le appeal to the Judges.
Scap.
Nay good Sir, think a little.
Thr.
No, I’le do nothing.
Scap.
Sir, Sir, but one little Mule?
Thr.
No not so much as an Ass!
Scap.
Consider.
Thr.
I will not consider, I’le go to Law.
Scap.
I am sure if you go to Law you do not consider the Appeales, Degrees of Jurisdiction, the intricate proceedings, the Knaveries, the Craving of so many Ravenous Animals that will prey upon you, Villanous Harpies! Promoters, Tipstaves, and the like; None of which but will puff away the clearest right in the World for a Bribe; on the other side the Proctor shall side with your Adversary, And sell your cause for ready Money; Your Advocate shall be gained the same way, And shall not be found when your cause is to be heard: Law is a torment of all torments.
Thr.
That’s true: Why what does the damn’d Rogue — reckon for his Mule?
Scap.
Why for Horses, Furniture, Mule, and to pay some Scores that are due to his Landlady, he demands and will have two hundred pounds.
Th.
Come, come, let’s go to Law.
Thr. walks up and down in a great heat.
Scap.
Do but reflect upon —
Th.
I’le go to Law?
Scap.
Do not plunge your self.
Thr.
To Law I’le tell you?
Scap.
Why there’s for Procuration, Presentation, Council, Productions, Proctors, Attendance, and scribling vast Volumes of Interrogatories, Depositions, and Articles, Consultations and Pleadings of Doctors, for the Register, Substitute, Judgments, Signings — Expedition Fees, besides the vast Presents to them and their Wives. Hang’t, the Fellow is out of Employment, give him the money, give him it I say.
Thr.
What, two hundred pounds!
Scap.
Ay, ay, why you’l gain 150 l. by it, I have summ’d it up; I say give it him I, faith do.
Thr.
What 200 l.
Scap.
Ay, besides you ne’re think how they’l rail at you in pleading, tell all your Fornications, Bastardings, and Commutings in their Courts,
Thr.
I defie ’em, let ’em tell of my whoring, ’tis the fashion.
Scap.
Peace, Here’s the Brother.
Thr.
Oh Heaven! what shall I do.
Enter Shift disguised like a Bully.
Sh.
Damme, where is this confounded Dog, this Father of Octavian? Null the Marriage: By all the Honour of my Ancestors I’le chine the Villain.
Thr.
Oh, Oh!
[Hides himself behind Scapin]
Scap.
He cares not Sir, He’l not give the 200 l.
Sh.
By Heaven, he shall be Worms-meat within these two hours.
Scap.
Sir, he has Courage, he fears you not.
Th.
You lye, I have not Courage, I do fear him mortally.
Sh.
He! he! Ounds he! would all his Family were in him, I’d cut off Root and Branch: Dishonour my Sister! This in his Guts: What Fellow’s that? Hah!
Scap.
Not he, Sir.
Sh.
Nor none of his Friends?
Th.
No, Sir: Hang him, I am his mortal Enemy.
Sh.
Art thou the Enemy of that Rascal.
Th.
Oh! ay, hang him — Oh damn’d Bully!
(Aside.
Sh.
Give me thy hand, old Boy, the next Sun shall not see the impudent Rascal alive.
Scap.
He’ll muster up all his Relations against you.
Th.
Do not provoke him, Scapin.
Sh.
Would they were all here: Ha! hah! hah! Here I had one through the Lungs; there another into the Heart; Ha! there another into the Guts: Ah Rogues! there I was with you. Hah — hah!
He foyns every way with his Sword.
Scap.
Hold Sir, we are none of your Enemies.
Sh.
No, but I will find the Villains out while my Blood is up; I will destroy the whole Family. Ha, ha, — hah!
(Ex. Shift.
Th.
Here Scapin, I have two hundred Guinea’s about me, take e’m, No more to be said, Let me never see his face again, take e’m I say, This is the Devil.
Scap.
Will you not give e’m him your self?
Th.
No, no! I will never see him more. I shall not recover this these three Months. See the business done, I trust in thee, Honest Scapin: I must repose somewhere; I am mightily out of Order — A plague on all Bullies I say.
[Exit Thrifty.
Scap.
So ther’s one dispatcht, I must now find out Gripe; He’s here, how Heaven brings e’m into my Nets one after another!
Enter Gripe.
Scap.
Oh Heaven! Unlookt for misfortune, poor Mr. Gripe, what wilt thou do
[walks about distractedly
Grip.
What’s that he says of me?
Scap.
Is there no body can tell me News of Mr. Gripe?
Grip.
Who’s there Scapin!
Scap.
How I run up and down, to find him to no purpose! Oh! Sir, is there no way to hear of Mr. Gripe?
Grip.
Art thou blind, I have been just under thy Nose this hour.
Scap.
Sir, —
&nbs
p; Grip.
What’s the matter?
Scap.
Oh! Sir your Son —
Grip.
Hah, my Son —
Scap.
Is fallen into the strangest misfortune in the World.
Grip.
What is’t —
Scap.
I met him a while ago, disordered for something you had said to him, wherein you very idly made use of my Name. And seeking to divert his Melancholy, we went to walk upon the Pier, amongst other things he took particular Notice of a New Caper in her full Trim, the Captain invited us aboard, and gave us the handsomest Collation I ever met with.
Grip.
Well, and where’s the disaster of all this?
Scap.
While we were eating he put to Sea; and when we were at a good distance from the Shoar, He discover’d himself to be an English Renegade that was entertain’d in the Dutch Service; And sent me off in his Long-Boat to tell you, That if you do not forthwith send him two hundred pounds, he’l carry away your Son Prisoner; Nay, for ought I know he may carry him a Slave to Algier.
Gr.
How in the Devils name? 200l!
Sca.
Yes Sir, and more then that, he has allowed me but an hours time; you must advise quickly what course to take to save an only Son.
Gr.
What a Devil had he to do a Shipboard? — Run quickly Scapin, and tell the Villain Ile send my Lord Chief Justices Warrant after him.
Sca.
Oh law! his Warrant in the open Sea, d’ye think Pyrates are Fooles?
Gr.
I’th Devils name what business had he a Shipboard?
Sca.
There is an unlucky Fate that often hurries Men to mischief, Sir.
Gr.
Scapin thou must now act the part of a faithful Servant.
Sca.
As how, Sir?
Gr.
Thou must go bid the Pyrate send me my Son and stay as a pledge in his room, till I can raise the Money.
Sca.
Alas Sir, think you the Captain has so little wit as to accept of such a poor Rascally fellow as I am, instead of your Son?
Gr.
What a Devil did he do a Shipboard?
Sca.
D’ye remember, Sir, that you have but two hours time.
Gr.
Thou say’st he demands. —
Sca.
200 l.
Gr.
200 l. Has the fellow no Conscience?
Sca.
O law! the Conscience of a Pyrate, why very few lawful Captains have any.
Gr.
Has he no reason neither? Do’s he know what the Sum of 200 l. is.
Sca.
Yes Sir, Tarpawlins are a sort of People that understand Money, though they have no great acquaintance with Sence. But for Heav’ns sake dispatch.
Gr.
Here take the key of my Compting House.
Sca.
So.
Gr.
And open it.
Scap.
Very good.
Gr.
In the left hand Window lyes the Key of my Garret; go take all the Cloaths that are in the great Chest, and sell ’em to the Brokers, to redeem my Son.
Scap.
Sir, Y’are mad; I shan’t get Fifty Shillings for all that’s there, and you know how I am streightned for time.
Gr.
But what - Devil did he do a Ship-board?
Scap.
Let Ship-board alone, and consider, Sir, your Son. But Heav’n is my witness, I ha’ done for him as much as was possible, and if he be not redeemed, he may thank his Father’s kindness.
Gr.
Well, Sir, I ll go see if I can raise the Money. Was it not ninescore Pounds you spoke of?
Scap.
No, 200 l.
Gr.
What, 200 l. Dutch, ha?
Scap.
No, Sir, I mean English Money, 200 l. sterling.
Gr.
I’th Devil’s Name, what business had he a Ship-board? Confounded Ship-board.
Scap.
This Ship-board sticks in his Stomach.
Gr.
Hold Scapin, I remember I received the very Sum just now in Gold, but did not think I should have parted with it so soon.
He presents Scapin his Purse, but will not let it go, and in his transportments, pulls his Arm to and fro, whilst Scapin reaches at it.
Scap.
Ay, Sir.
Gr.
But tell the Captain, he is a Son of a Whore.
Scap.
Yes, Sir.
Gr.
A Dogbolt.
Scap.
I shall, Sir.
Gr.
A Thief, a Robber, and that he forces me to pay him 200 l. contrary to all Law or equity.
Scap.
Nay, let me alone with him.
Gr.
That I will never forgive him, dead or alive.
Scap.
Very good.
Gr.
And that if ever I light on him, I’ll murder him privately, and feed Dogs with him.
Scap.
Right, Sir.
[He puts up his Purse, and is going away.
Gr.
Now make hast, and go redeem my Son.
Scap.
Ay, but d’ye hear, Sir? Where’s the Money?
Gr.
Did I not give it thee?
Scap.
Indeed, Sir, you made me believe you would, but you forgot, and put it up in your Pocket again.
Gr.
Ha — my griefs and fears for my Son make me do I know not what.
Scap.
Ay, Sir, I see it does indeed.
Gr.
What a Devil did he do a Ship-board? — Damn’d Pyrate, damn’d Renegade, all the Devils in Hell pursue thee.
Scap.
How easily a Miser swallows a Load, and how difficultly he disgorges a Grain? But I’ll not leave him so, he’s like to pay in other Coyn, for telling Tales of me to his Son.
Enter Oct. and Leander.
Scap.
Well, Sir, I have succeeded in your Business, there’s 200 l. which I have squeez’d out of your Father.
to Octavian.
Oct.
Triumphant Scapin.
Scap.
But for you I can do nothing —
[To Leander.
Lea.
Then may I go hang my self. Friends both adieu.
Scap.
D’ye hear, d’ye hear; the Devil has no such necessity for you yet, that you need ride Post. With much ado I’ve got your Business done too.
Lea.
Is’t possible?
Scap.
But on condition that you permit me to revenge my self on your Father, for the Trick he has served me.
Lea.
With all my heart, at thy own discretion, good honest Scapin.
Scap.
Hold your hand, there’s 200 l.
Lea.
My thanks are too many to pay now; Farewel dear Son of Mercury, and be prosperous.
Scap.
Gramercy Pupil: Hence we gather, Give Son the Money, hang up Father.
The End of the Second Act.
ACT THIRD.
SCENE FIRST.
Enter Lucia and Clara.
Lucia.
WAS ever such a Trick play’d, for us to run away from our Governesses, where our careful Fathers had placed us, to follow a couple of young Gentlemen, only because they said they lov’d us, I think ’twas a very noble Enterprize? I am afraid the good fortune we shall get by it, will very hardly recompence the reputation we have lost by it.
Clar.
Our greatest satisfaction is, that they are Men of fashion and credit, and for my part I long ago resolv’d not to Marry any other, nor such a one neither, till I had a perfect confirmation of his Love; and ’twas an assurance of Octavian’s that b
rought me hither.
Lucia.
I must confess, I had no less a sence of the Faith and Honour of Leander.
Clar.
But seems it not wonderful, that the Circumstances of our Fortune should be so near ally’d, and our selves so much Strangers. Besides, if I mistake not, I see something in Leander, so much resembling a Brother of mine, of the same Name, that did not the time since I saw him make me fearful, I should be often apt to call him so.
Lucia.
I have a Brother too, whose Name’s Octavian, bred in Italy, and just as my Father took his Voyage, return’d home; not knowing where to find me, I believe is the reason I have not seen him yet: But if I deceive not my self, there is something in your Octavian, that extreamly refreshes my memory of him.
Clar.
I wish we might be so happy, as we are inclin’d to hope; but there’s a strange blind side in our Natures, which always makes us apt to believe what we most earnestly desire.
Lucia.
The worst at last, is but to be forsaken by our Fathers; and for my part, I had rather lose an old Father than a young Lover, when I may with reputation keep him, and secure my self against the Imposition of fatherly Authority.
Clar.
How insufferable it is to be sacrificed to the Arms of a nauseous Blockhead, that has no other sense than to eat and drink when ’tis provided for him, rise in the morning, and go to Bed at night, and with much ado be perswaded to keep himself clean.
Lucia.
A thing of meer Flesh and Blood, and that of the worst sort too, with a squinting meager hang-Dog Countenance, that looks as if he always wanted Physick for the Worms.
Clar.
Yet such their silly Parents are generally most indulgent to, like Apes, never so well pleas’d, as when th’are fondling with their ugly Issue.
Lucia.
Twenty to one, but to some such charming Creatures, our careful Fathers had design’d us.
Clar.
Parents think they do their Daughters the greatest kindness in the World, when they get them Fools for their Husbands, and yet are very apt to take it ill, if they make the right use of them.
Lucia.
I’de no more be bound to spend my days in Marriage to a Fool, because I might rule him, than I would always ride an Ass, because the Creature was gentle.
Clar.
See, here’s Scapin, as full of Designs and Affairs, as a Callow Statesman at a Treaty of Peace.
Scap.
Ladies!
Clar.
Oh Monsieur Scapin! What’s the reason you have been such a Stranger of late?
Scap.
Why, faith Ladies, Business, Business, has taken up my time, and truly I love an active life, love my Business extreamly.
Lucia.
Methinks tho, this should be a difficult place for a Man of your Excellencies to find imployment in?
Scap.
Why, faith Madam, I’m never shy to my Friends: My Business is, in short, like that of all other Men of Business, diligently contriving how to play the Knave and Cheat, to get an honest Livelyhood.
