by Royston Wood
Chapter Five
Dragon Poo
Ruff and Tumble were sat on the back seat of the Noisy Metal Box That Transports playing a word game. The idea was to exchange the first letters of one word with the first letters of a second word and come up with a funny phrase. So Smart Feller would become Fart Smeller. Tumble called it the Swapping First Letters Of Words Around To Make A Funny Phrase Game.
It wasn’t much of a game. Tumble had made it up because travelling in the Noisy Metal Box That Transports was so boring. And to stop Ruff blabbing on about looking for his manky old toys.
Ruff had been wittering on all morning about needing to find his old toys to stop the Goblin Horde invading. Pah! Goblin Horde! Tumble had spent some time and effort telling Ruff that he was an idiot. She had suggested that Ruff was just mixing up everything that was happening to him in the day with the Goblin Horde book he was reading and then having stupid dreams. Like playing with a black sock and dreaming about Black Graksox. But Ruff was still determined to look for them. Hopefully the Lead Female has thrown his smelly old toys away.
“You’re a Darting Fog,” said Ruff, interrupting Tumble’s thoughts.
“Well you’re a Parting Fig! You smell like one anyway,” retorted Tumble.
“Yes? Well you’re a Tarty Frog.”
“Belly Smum!”
“Botty Spum!”
“Is that the best you can do you Moolish Futt?” teased Tumble.
“Huh. It better than yours you Mozy Dongrel,” Ruff retorted.
“Don’t you call me a mongrel!” shouted Tumble. “One is a Royal Princess you…you…Mittless Wongrel!”
“Oh, so it’s OK for you to call me a mongrel then!”
“You are common. One is not.”
Ruff gave a low growl. “My pedigree’s just as long as yours,” he muttered, just loud enough for Tumble to hear. “Jobby Sniffer.”
“Snobby Jiffer! How dare you call one snobby?!” Tumble sniffed loudly and gave Ruff a Look down the length of her snout. “And you made Jiffer up! Peasant!”
Things could have turned nasty but right then the Noisy Metal Box That Transports came to a stop. Ruff and Tumble instantly forgot everything and started bouncing up and down trying to look out of the window to see where they were.
The beach!! Fantastic!
When the door to the Noisy Metal Box That Transports opened, both dogs shot out like corks from bottles. By the time the Lead Female had closed their door Ruff and Tumble were already charging across the beach, flicking up sand behind them.
“Hey, Tumble!” hissed Ruff as they sped across the sand. “Don’t forget we have to look for my old toys. If we can find them then Graksox won’t be able to invade with his Goblin Horde.”
Tumble ignored him.
They charged on for a few moments in silence until Tumble, skidding to a halt in a wave of sand, shouted, “Look! A dragon!”
Ruff looked in the direction Tumble was indicating by vague thrusting motions of her nose. Sure enough, there was a dragon fluttering in the breeze.
Now fluttering might seem a funny thing for a dragon to do. Butterflies flutter. dragons should ‘soar on the thermals’ or ‘ride the winds’ or even ‘thunder through the air’. But this was a very small dragon. It was diamond shaped and had a long tail.
Tumble charged in, shouting a warning for the whole beach to hear, “Dragon, dragon, dragon, dragon…”
Ruff sat down and waited to see what would happen. That’s funny. Nobody seems to be escaping. Surely they should flee whilst Tumble is distracting the dragon. Some of them are even stopping to watch. And laugh. Do they think it’s some kind of entertainment? Fools!
The dragon swept sharply to the right as Tumble approached, shouting up at it, “Begone, begone, begone…”
Running underneath it, she followed its path. It made a sudden turn, swerving to the left and Tumble spun around and raced after it as fast as she could. This wasn’t very fast because her front legs were hopping off of the ground every time she shouted.
The dragon turned again and Tumble followed. This was repeated over and over. Either the dragon or Corgi would get tired soon!
From a distance Ruff watched the battle carefully. Apart from Tumble, the only other person concentrating on the dragon is that small boy. Why is he holding his arms out towards it like that? Hmmm. Every time he moves his arms that way the dragon flies to the left. And when he moves them like that it flies to the right! Ruff stood up and let out a low grelp. It’s almost as if he’s controlling the dragon – by magic!
The dragon started swooping lower and lower over Tumble’s head. If she isn’t careful it will bite her...or…or…or breathe fire at her. And that boy’s laughing!
Ruff charged. Not at the dragon - at the boy.
The boy’s attention was fixed on teasing the stupid dog with his kite. He didn’t hear Ruff running up behind him, despite the loud rumbling growl he always made when attacking an enemy. So he was very startled when Ruff shouted at the top of his lungs right in his…er…knee.
Hiiiya!
The boy dropped the strings and the kite plunged through the air and crashed heavily into the damp sand.
Tumble approached the downed dragon carefully. She gave it a cautious sniff.
It’s Dead. I’ve Killed it!
She shouted to the world that all was now safe, squatted down and wee’d on it.
Turning her back on it, she flicked sand over it with her back legs and strutted away, nose in the air and bushy tail held high, like a victory banner behind her.
Ruff joined her and they trotted their way down the beach to the water’s edge where gentle waves were lapping against the sand.
“Good one, Tumble!” remarked Ruff. “But now you’ve stopped messing around with the dragon perhaps we can try and find my missing old toys.”
“One was not ‘messing around’ with it! One stalked it. One chased it. One killed it!” growled Tumble, annoyed at Ruff’s flippant remark after her glorious victory.
“Hey look!” said Ruff. “There’s a big pile of seaweed. Perhaps you could kill that too!”
The big pile of fresh seaweed must have been brought in by the waves and dumped there at high tide. Tumble wasn’t quite sure if Ruff was teasing her or not. After all, it would be fun to rip and tear it into little pieces.
They both sat down with their tails alertly erect behind them, their ears pointing skyward, and looked at the pile.
“Very useful stuff seaweed,” said Ruff leaning slightly towards Tumble.
“Is it?”
“Yes. You can eat it and it’s very good as a mulch in the garden, stopping weeds and feeding the soil and stuff.”
Tumble frowned and gave Ruff a Look. “How do you know that?” I don’t even know what a mulch is, let alone that seaweed can be one.
“I looked it up on the internet.”
“Oh.” Tumble had to accept that Ruff was probably right. He was always messing around with the Pack Leader and Lead Female’s computer when they were asleep at night. I don’t think it’s very healthy.
“And you can use it to tell what the weather is going to do,” said Ruff.
There was a long moment of silence.
“How?” asked Tumble.
“Dunno,” admitted Ruff. “But you can.”
There was another long moment of silence. Tumble could hear Ruff’s Brain Cells rubbing together. “I suppose,” Ruff began, “if you hang some outside your kennel and it dries out, then you’ll know it’s hot and sunny. But if it stays damp then it must be cool and cloudy.”
Tumble was impressed. She had a think too, then added, “And if it gets wetter then it must be raining!”
“Yes!” said Ruff. “And if it goes hard it must be really cold.”
“Oooo. And if it waves around a lot it must be windy!”
“And…and…and if it goes white it must be snowing!”
Both dogs sa
t silently, thinking about how clever they were. Ruff was just about to suggest that they should take some home to make their own weather station when the Pack Leader walked up to the pile of seaweed and reached towards it.
In the blink of an eye the pile of seaweed became a sea monster; a serpent from the deep, washed up on the shore, its tentacles whipping towards them.
Ruff and Tumble attacked. A quick flurry of snapping jaws, shaking heads, a bit of jumping up and down and then the serpent was dead - ripped to shreds.
Tumble stepped back to look at the damage whilst Ruff carried on tearing at the dead beast’s flesh in a frenzy. A dragon and a sea serpent defeated and the day has only just begun! Life is good.
Splat!
As the bird poo slipped down her forehead Tumble considered what life was really like. She crossed her eyes as she watched the poo trickle between them and flop from her snout to the sand below. Something inside her head snapped and she began to charge round and round in circles barking ferociously at the sky.
Two seagulls circled high above, squawking in delight at the effect of their sharp shting.
Eventually the seagulls grew bored of the game and flew away. Tumble stopped barking and sat down panting. A dragon and a sea serpent and two pesky seagulls defeated and the day has only just begun! Life is great!
