Before We Die Alone

by Ike Hamill

  “You’ve given me four different stories since this conversation started,” I say. I put out my hand. “Come with me.”

  She reluctantly takes my hand. I pull her forward and step through the fold.

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  * Investigation *

  WE’RE IN THE FOREST. It looks like the same woods where I killed that Higg Squirrel, but I’m not sure.

  “Where are we?” I ask. At the sound of my voice, a bird is spooked from its perch.

  Vanessa fixes her eyes on me. “You know this place,” she whispers.

  “What’s it called? Llanive?”

  “Please keep your voice down,” she says. “Stealth is the one thing we have going for us.”

  “What is this place called?” I ask again. I’m practically shouting.

  Vanessa hunches down and darts her eyes to her left. I don’t see anything in that direction.

  She whispers again. “The bears call this planet Llanive. We just call it Higg, after the first man who escaped into the woods, Kenyen Higg.”

  I move to the other side of Vanessa. She quietly shushes me when I make too much noise in the leaves. I hear what she’s listening to. There’s movement just over the hill. The sound of metal on metal is unmistakable.

  “Stay here,” I say. I locate the fold and step through it.

  I’m back in my kitchen. Before she can follow me, I close the door. I have to lift the handle a little to make everything line up, but then I’m able to turn the latch for the lock. I’m not sure how the physics work, but a second later I hear a bump as she tries to come back through.

  “Stay there,” I yell through the door.

  I go back to the hall for my groceries.

  ---- * ----

  By that afternoon, my curiosity is working overtime.

  I’m trying to relax and meditate, but my thoughts keep coming back to Vanessa. One minute, I was firmly entrenched in the city. My apartment, my life, and my body were all just starting to make sense again. I was moving forward into a new life and leaving all that craziness behind me.

  Then, with the appearance of one strange woman wrapped in animal skins, turmoil came rushing back to me. It’s hard to ignore the insanity when I find it standing in my kitchen.

  With another breath in, I let all those feelings fill me up. With my next exhale, I blow them out into the room, clearing them from my body.

  I think I saw my brother today.

  When I was at the store, I couldn’t believe how well they had fixed the place up. The last time I was in there, looters had cleared the place out. Everything is back to normal now. I filled my little basket with cans and produce. I nodded to the owner who was running the register. The last time I saw him, he was being attacked by his dog Toby. He doesn’t recognize me.

  But I recognize someone. I recognize my own brother, walking down the street.

  Toby’s owner was halfway through ringing me up. I wanted to run out and flag down my brother, but I had an implied commitment with the owner. I brought my intended purchases to the counter, and he was ringing them up. Besides, I wasn’t sure it was my brother anyway. He looked a lot like him though.

  I breathe out the image of my brother and let more worries fill my head.

  My bank account will only last me another month or two. I’m going to have to find some source of income soon. My cushion is gone.

  I breathe out my financial troubles.

  Vanessa said that living here was too difficult. Maybe she had a point.

  In computer programming, there’s a concept called indirection. If I have a value that I need to communicate to a function, I can simply pass in that value. For instance, I might tell a part of the computer display to turn blue. But what if I want to update that part of the display continuously. I might want it blue one second and red the next. Instead of telling the display to change to blue, I might tell it the location of where I store the screen color.

  This is called indirection. I’m not dealing with a value itself, I’m dealing with the place where I’ll store the value.

  It’s an odd concept, but this is how I live my life in the city.

  I don’t grow or collect food, I collect vouchers that have agreed value. I don’t even see those vouchers, I carry around a piece of plastic that grants access to my collection of vouchers. When I scan my debit card at the store, I can transfer the idea of vouchers to the clerk and he gives me actual food. This is called double-indirection.

  Living here is too difficult.

  Maybe Adam has the right idea. He’s building a cabin in the middle of nowhere with all the luxuries of home. But it’s so sterile.

  I breathe out the sterility of Maldy.

  What was Vanessa so afraid of? Why was she being so quiet, and what was that metallic noise on the other side of the hill? Her name has weight in my brain. It took so long to find out, it’s like I know a secret about her. Plus, I didn’t tell her my own name. I have the advantage.

  I breathe out the advantage.

  My brain is finally getting quiet. I can hear my body. I hear my blood flowing and my heart beating. I feel my lymphatic system patrolling and eradicating potential infections. I feel my neurons firing.

  I breathe out my senses.

  I’m finally still.

  I hear voices.

  I breathe out the voices. It doesn’t work. I can still hear them mumbling.

  When I open my eyes, I frown and nod. It figures. In my bedroom, a few feet away, a golden smoke twists and curls. I’ve done it again. The question is, what should I do about it?

  I unfold my legs and shake them over the edge of the bed until feeling comes back. Meanwhile, I’m studying the golden light, trying to guess what’s on the other side. I roll my shoulders, crack my knuckles, and then stand. With grim resignation, I take a step forward.

  ---- * ----

  Forest.

  The bears call this place Llanive, if I remember correctly. I could go ask them. There are dozens of the furry mammoths on the other side of the leaves. The wind blows a scent to me. It’s an acrid, caustic smell. I remember it from chemistry class—some kind of acid. They waddle as they load the truck with boxes. Inside the vehicle, I see furry arms reach out to take a box from a bear. The fingers are gray and weathered. I suspect they are chimp hands.

  Two figures walk down the length of a truck. The orangutan holds a clipboard. He looks like he’s taking notes for the gorilla walking next to him. The gorilla stands and surveys the loading, as the orangutan calls out to the bears. They all stop their work as he speaks. The orangutan lifts the top sheet on his clipboard, finishes his instruction, and then lowers it.

  Some of the bears nod. They all go back to work.

  I’m not sure what any of this means.

  There’s one thing I’m pretty sure of—a fold doesn’t work out this perfectly unless it was planned. I landed here downwind of the bears, hidden by leaves in the perfect place for surveillance. I glance around, looking for the golden light. I think I’m getting a sense for this stuff. I have an idea of which fold will take me back to my room. I step into the other one.

  ---- * ----

  Vertigo hits me when I step through the fold. For a second, I think I’m falling. I put out my arms and widen my stance, expecting to tumble.

  I’m fine.

  I’m standing on a concrete pad surrounded by orange ribbon. I spin slowly as I piece it together. This is a construction site. The ribbon is to keep people off, but the concrete seems firm enough under my feet. I walk towards the edge and duck under the ribbon. Men are working on the other side of a pit. I begin to circle it.

  Big yellow machines are excavating down there. This building is going to be huge. The site stretches on forever. A man emerges from a trailer next to me and is talking over his shoulder as he walks down the wooden steps to the dirt.

  “Seventeen, got it,” he says.

  The man turns to me. He’s dressed like the men across the way—a yellow and or
ange vest is over his work shirt.

  “You need a hardhat, or you need to be outside that fence,” he says to me as he points. “And if you want to be on time for the meeting, you only have five minutes to get all the way over there.” Another point is in the opposite direction.

  “I don’t have a hardhat,” I say.

  He turns and trudges back up the steps. He leans in through the trailer door and comes back out with an orange hardhat that he holds out in my direction.

  I don’t want it, but it seems easiest just to take it. The man pushes past me as I take the hardhat from him. It looks shiny and flimsy compared to his. When I slip it on, I immediately feel like I’m blending in. The man went off parallel to the pit. I go the opposite direction. There should be a meeting over here somewhere, according to what he said. I don’t intend to join the meeting, but it might be easier to go unnoticed if there are other visitors.

  Blocking my path are big stacks of steel bars. I don’t know much about construction, but this looks like the type of stuff one would use in concrete for reinforcement. Behind the steel are a bunch of other building supplies. Stacks of plywood and lumber are divided into piles. I step to the side as a little cart rolls. The driver picks up one of the stacks of wood and his machine beeps as he backs away. How long have people been building this way? How long will we continue?

  I see the group of people gathered. They’re dressed pretty nicely for a construction site. If it’s a ribbon-cutting ceremony, they appear to be a little late. Construction is in full bloom around us.

  The group is a loose knot of at least thirty people. I’m pretty sure I can get close enough to listen without anyone really noticing me. A big concrete pipe provides pretty good cover, so I move next to it and inch up on the meeting.

  The woman at the head of the group is gesturing grandly as she speaks. “…which is why we’re taking such care. The damage will be minimal and it will set an example going forward.”

  There’s a man circling around the back of the meeting. Aside from me, he’s the only one not focused on the speaker. This is making me uncomfortable. He seems to be heading for me.

  It’s Adam.

  Fight or flight—it seems inappropriate, but I have the notion that I should either fight him or run.

  ---- * ----

  “What are you doing here?” he whispers.

  “What are you doing?” I ask.

  “Come with me,” he says. “You’re going to tip them off.”

  We’re already drawing the scrutiny of the people at the back of the group. Now that they’ve turned, one or two of them look somewhat familiar. I can’t quite place them, but it seems like…

  Adam pulls at my arm, dragging me away from the meeting.

  When we get to the edge of the concrete pipe, I see the golden glow around the corner. Adam must have called his fold. It’s not one of mine. I dig in my feet. I don’t know where he’s trying to take me, but I don’t have any intention of going.

  “Come on,” he says.

  “No.” I shake my head and have to put my hand up to steady the hardhat. “I’m not going in there with you. Who knows where that thing goes?”

  “It goes back to your apartment. Please.”

  “Nope.”

  He points over my shoulder. “If those people find you here, do you even know how much more difficult this is going to be? You can’t possibly want that. You know what’s at stake.”

  “I have no idea what you’re talking about,” I say. “I’m just out here trying to enjoy the day and then you showed up and freaked out.”

  He puts his hands to his face. When he speaks, it’s muffled by his fingers. “I have one chance to fix the problems caused by your shitty machine, and now you’re trying to fuck that up too. I should have known.” He pulls his hands away from his face. “Why can’t you understand what I’m trying to do?”

  Honestly, I have no idea what he’s talking about. As far as I know, the only thing Adam cares about is escaping to his cabin on Maldy. I don’t want to give him the satisfaction of admitting that I don’t know what he’s talking about. I give him nothing but a cold stare.

  “Fine,” he says. “Don’t answer. I thought you were a reasonable person. I thought you were at least logical.”

  He doesn’t stop me when I turn to walk away from him.

  Back around the concrete pipe, I realize who that guy is. The man standing at the back of the little meeting is one of the people from the forest. He took part in that roast of the Higg squirrel that I held. I didn’t recognize him dressed in a suit, but that’s definitely him. I wonder if Vanessa is in this group.

  This experiment needs to end now. These people haven’t brought anything positive to my life.

  I turn back to Adam. “Stop opening up folds to my apartment. I don’t care for visitors. Unless you want me to start bring tour groups to your cabin, I suggest you respect my privacy.”

  He folds his arms and nods.

  I walk back towards the trailer and then find my way to the concrete pad. One of the construction workers yells at me as I duck under the ribbon and start to walk across the fresh concrete. I don’t know what he’s so worried about. It’s clearly cured enough to support my weight. Anyway, I keep walking. I see the golden glow of the fold I opened up.

  Back at home, I search my place to see if Adam really did have a fold opened to here. I don’t see it. Still, the idea that he could invade my apartment at any time gives me the creeps.

  Chapter Thirty-Seven

  * Chase *

  I STILL HAVEN’T APPLIED for any jobs, but I’ve gone so far as to walk by some of the buildings. They need to be legitimate offices. Somehow the descriptions I’ve been reading could all be fronts for sinister organizations. I’ve been tainted by puzzleBox and ProNavitas. I have the idea that every business is up to crazy, world-ending schemes.

  I see my brother again on the street.

  This time, I’m sure it’s him.

  I dart through traffic to get to him, but he’s already gone. He melded into a sea of people and I can’t find him. I shouted his name, and then when nobody turned, I shouted, “Arthur!” That was the name my sister-in-law, Emily, called him. Maybe that’s what he goes by now. Either way, nobody turned around.

  I rush back to my apartment and find an old paper map of the city. On it, I mark the places and dates where I’ve seen my brother. Including today, I’ve spotted him four times. All the locations are reasonably close to my apartment, but that could be just because those are the areas where I spend time. Still, it seems like a pretty big coincidence.

  I use my afternoon trying to locate an address for him in Australia. I don’t have much to go on, since he’s not using his real name down there. I search for Emily and Arthur. It’s not enough to go on.

  There’s one person I’m pretty sure I can get in touch with down there. I debate about it for at least an hour before I get up the nerve to make the call.

  I get an answering service. Of course—it’s the middle of the night in Australia. I hadn’t even thought about that. I leave my name and a number, but I don’t leave any message.

  I’ve barely put the phone down when it rings.

  The caller ID is blocked. Normally, I wouldn’t bother to answer an unidentified caller, but since I just called, I take the chance.

  “Hello?”

  “Thank God you’re okay,” Janice says. “I thought you had been swept off into oblivion. The bubble was defective. The bear said you had been kidnapped.”

  “Janice, I’m looking to get in touch with my brother.”

  There’s silence on the line.

  “Where are you?” she asks. Her voice is much less enthusiastic now. I suppose I should have acknowledged her earlier sentiment before I launched into what I needed.

  “I’m back in New York.”

  “I know that,” she says. “You should come back here. We need help with the conversion units. Everything is progressing much quicker than we expect
ed and we’re not getting the throughput that the engineers predicted. We need someone to help us wrangle these people.”

  “I’ve decided to find work over here,” I say. “But I’m looking for my brother. I was hoping you could…”

  She cuts me off. “Let me see what I can do.” The call disconnects with the end of her sentence.

  I had a pretty good working relationship with her by the end of the project. When I put my life on hold and ended up in the middle of nowhere, I suppose I mentally withdrew from that whole world and those people. Apparently, she didn’t.

  I need to find another lead. If I could get a clear mental picture of my brother’s house, maybe I could remember some detail like a street name or a house number. That whole time is fuzzy. I wasn’t thinking straight.

  ---- * ----

  I spot him coming out of the hotel. I know he wasn’t staying here last week. They just reopened. Apparently, after the asteroid scare some wild animal tore through the place, killing several people. I seem to remember something about that. My brother kicks into a jog to slip between the traffic. He’s crossing to the sidewalk where I’m watching. I keep my head down and work through the crowd so I can intercept him.

  Even though I didn’t know when I would see him, I have this planned out. I’ve been practicing. I dodge around a couple of people and match step behind him. As we walk, I take a deep breath and let it out slowly, letting myself relax and forget the people around us. There’s a small gap in the foot traffic ahead. That’s where I’ll take him. When I see the glow over his shoulder, I reach out. He ducks just before my hand touches him. Did something spook him. Screw it—I’m so close. I lower my shoulder and run into his back.

  I drive him forward and he trips. We both go down in the tall grass.