Nathan shot him a firm look. “Me, too. You’re letting me stay here. You helped me get this job with your brother, who’s a bit of a drill sergeant, but still…I can’t accept your money.”
Mark grinned with appreciation. He finished wiping down the counter and helped Nathan load the dishwasher. He was an expert at strategizing which dishes went where to maximize space. He began making adjustments to what Nathan had done, but soon took everything out and redid it his way.
“He doesn’t mean to be a hard ass,” Mark said. “Liam’s the youngest of five sons, so he’s also been on the defensive. And our other three brothers like to take the piss out of him. They’ve been that way ever since we were younger.”
Nathan could empathize, but he didn’t need to rehash anything more about his dreaded cousins. “What do they think of him as a farmer?”
“Honestly, they don’t like it. They wanted him to sell. They could’ve gotten more money if we all bundled our land together to sell, rather than what they’re making it renting it now. But I didn’t want to give this place away. It’s our home.”
“He’s good at it. Farming,” Nathan said. “I’ve only seen him in action a few days, but he cares.”
Nathan wondered if he’d ever cared so much about something, or someone.
“Sorry,” Mark said about the dishwasher. “I’m a bit anal about loading it my way.”
“You seem to know best.”
They returned back to the living room. And there was Mariel.
Singing. Right in front of Nathan.
Franny sat on her knees in front of the TV where the video played. Mariel was dressed at Fantine from Les Miserables in a taping of one of her stage performances. She wore a brown wig of short, chopped off hair and a dirty dress.
And she sang. I Dreamed a Dream. She sang the ballad beautifully. Her voice filled the room, filled the house, filled all of New Zealand with its longing and melancholy.
It was like she was singing directly to Nathan. There she was. Alive and right in front of him. This was his mother. This was as close as he would ever get to her.
“Franny, what are you doing?” Mark asked.
“I was thinking about what you said earlier.” She was talking to Nathan now, but her voice was a bit of a fuzzy blur. “I need to find something to focus on. I want to act. Like my mother.”
Like our mother.
The room went silent. Walt and Franny watched with rapt attention. Nathan craned his neck at Mark, and the look he gave the screen was heartbreaking. Nathan wanted to cry, but he held it in. He couldn’t let them see. That would lead to questions. Why was this man crying over this woman he’d never met?
That is my mother, and I will never meet her. The bad feelings came bubbling up. She didn’t want you. She ditched you in England because you ruined her life.
Mariel stopped singing. The audience gave her a standing ovation, but in the living room, nobody uttered a word.
“I’m going to go to bed. I’m quite knackered,” Nathan said quietly. It went unacknowledged. He closed the door of his bedroom and lay on the bed.
There was no way he was going to get any fucking rest tonight.
Chapter 10
Liam
Liam dreamt about Nathan’s crotch. His smooth, shaved crotch. He pictured them on his couch again. In his dream, instead of reaching for his laptop, Liam slid a hand into Nathan’s jeans, past his tight stomach, and felt his—
The sound of sheep baa’ing lurched him out of sleep just in time. Did I really dream about that? He was curious. That was all. That was all it could be. After all, Nathan had been so open about it.
The sheep kept baa’ing, more desperate than before. Maybe it really was sheep thieves this time.
He jumped out of bed and put on jeans. No more half-naked farmer for him. He tiptoed to the kitchen window to get a better look. Before he saw Nathan out there, he heard his voice. His slurred, shouting voice warbling some song he couldn’t make out.
Liam ran outside and found Nathan dancing—well, more like swaying and twirling—at the edge of his property. He skipped around and between the sheep, causing them to freak out more. A bottle of some type of alcohol clinked in his hand.
“I dreamed dream dream dream dream dream dream…” He slapped sheep on their asses. His dancing downgraded to a shuffle, almost like a zombie.
“Nathan!” He called out and jogged over to him. Liam’s heart began to speed up. He started to worry, which he couldn’t stand because Nathan was a pain in the ass. He wasn’t supposed to be somebody worth worrying over. “Nathan!”
“Liam, you joined the party!” He took a swig of his drink.
“What the hell are you doing?” Liam knew he wasn’t going to get an answer from him.
“Just going for a stroll.” Nathan tried to stroll, but just stumbled. Liam had to catch him before he smacked into the ground face first.
He reeked of alcohol. It soaked through his skin.
“Where did you get this bottle? Did you break into Mark’s liquor cabinet?”
“Sherlock Holmes! You did it! You solved the puzzle!” Nathan blatantly checked Liam out. It was a lot sexier in his dream. “Hey, you remembered trousers.”
“You can’t do this, Nathan! What is…what is the matter with you?”
“I’m a piece of shit. A complete, worthless, unlovable piece of shit. Haven’t you heard?” Nathan laughed as he said this. It came out so matter-of-factly, even in his drunken state, that Liam’s heart broke for him for a second. Just one second. Because the man was still wreaking havoc on his property.
“Come on. I’ll bring you back to Mark’s house.” Liam put his arm around Nathan’s waist to lead him back to his brother’s. Nathan stumbled along with Liam’s guiding arm, which had to work double time to keep him from falling.
“Shouldn’t you be firing me? Farmer Tight-ass?”
“I’ll do it in the morning when you’ll remember it.”
Nathan stopped and swung around to face Liam. His eyes were dark and dangerous and in seconds, he was kissing Liam.
It was an awful kiss. Sloppy, angry, like his mouth was trying to take over Liam’s face. And the taste of hot breath and alcohol made Liam’s stomach seize up. He pushed Nathan away, and the guy collapsed to the ground.
“Sorry,” Liam said. “I…” He held out a hand to Nathan, but Nathan smacked it away.
“You know, you’re keeping these poor sheep captive. These poor sheep deserve to be free. You can’t control their lives.” Nathan wobbled up and as if imbued with a lightning spark, he sprinted to the fence.
Bugger.
Nathan opened the gate. “Be free sheepie! Free!”
The sheep rushed for the gate opening. These animals were smart enough to know an escape when they saw one.
Liam ran as fast as he could and shoved the gate closed. “Shit!”
Three sheep trotted off down the road, like old ladies going for a walk around the neighborhood.
“What the fuck!” Liam wrestled with Nathan to get him away from the fence.
“It’s freedom, Liam!” Nathan laughed a hearty, drunken laugh. “It’s beautiful.”
“Get off.” Liam pulled at Nathan’s hand to get him off the fence. It snapped back and Nathan whacked himself in the face, tumbling to the ground.
“Nathan?” Liam nudged his prone body with his foot, but he was down for the count.
Nathan
Nathan pinched his eyes closed at the daylight streaming in through the window and tried to go back to bed. Only there was no daylight. An outdoor light shined through the window, a window he didn’t recognize. He glanced around and realized he wasn’t in his bedroom. He was on Liam’s couch in his little shed-apartment abode.
He sat up, and instantly pain hit his head like some evil witch dropped a stone on him, and then for more fun, pressed her fingers hard into Nathan’s scalp. He must’ve blacked out. He usually awoke from blackout sleep with a headache. It wasn’t real sleep, just his body c
alling a time out for a bit. How much did I drink?
The night spiraled after watching that video of his mum. It hadn’t triggered him. It kicked him off the ledge, and he didn’t know where he landed.
He rubbed the hair out of his forehead and tried to remember what happened. He wasn’t quite sure how he wound up on Liam’s couch. Did they have sex? No. Liam wouldn’t take advantage of him like that. Something bad happened. Nathan had a sinking gut feeling. Drinking this much never led to good things happening.
Did I tell him that Mariel is my mum?
Panic took over Nathan and flashed his eyes open. He hated drinking. He loved it and needed it, but hated it at the same time. The before and during were always fun, but the after was a nightmare. Nathan wished he had never found Mark’s liquor cabinet. Once he figured out what happened, he would make sure to regret it.
The light clicked on in the bedroom area. Liam shuffled out of bed and into the living room, looking exhausted. His jeans slung low on his hips. Had he fallen asleep in them?
“What time is it?” Nathan asked.
“Two in the morning.” Liam had nothing but glares for him.
“I am so sorry,” Nathan said, unsure of what he was sorry for yet, but figured it was best to get his apology out there preemptively.
Nathan smiled back to ease the tension, and his cheek winced in soreness. He felt his face and wondered if he’d fallen. Until he remembered.
The punch.
That memory set off a chain reaction in Nathan and more pieces of the night came into startling focus. Stumbling across the field. Dancing with the sheep while singing I Dreamed a Dream in a beautiful voice. And the punch. The punch that he rightfully deserved.
“What were you doing?” Liam asked.
Nathan wanted clarification. He didn’t want Liam to know he couldn’t quite remember everything.
“I…” Nathan shook his head. “I may have had a little bit too much fun.”
“Because of you, I almost lost three of my sheep, maybe more if I hadn’t shut the gate in time.”
Nathan put his head in his hands, avoiding his hurting cheek. He had a vague recollection of wanting to free the sheep from captivity. What have I done? He asked himself, unfortunately knowing the answer.
“Did you hit me?”
“No. You did.”
Another wave of embarrassment crashed on Nathan’s shores. Of course he hit himself.
“I think you may have a drinking problem,” Liam said with complete seriousness. “I think you need help, Nathan.”
Nathan considered telling him that he had sought help in rehab, but realized that would make him sound worse. The ex-rehabber who couldn’t stay on the wagon.
“I’ll be fine. I won’t drink anything else while I’m here.”
“About that. I don’t think it’s a good idea that you work here anymore.”
Nathan’s head bobbed up. A touch of sorrow reflected in Liam’s eyes, and it gave Nathan a sliver of relief knowing this wasn’t completely easy for him either.
“I’m entering a very busy season for this farm, and I can’t jeopardize it with your recklessness. If you need a few more hours of rest, that’s all right. But today, I want you to pack your things and go.”
“Liam…” Nathan tried to say more. His throat was so dry it tingled with pins and needles. “I really am sorry.”
“That’s not good enough.” His lips pursed into an equator across his face. Lips.
Lips that I kissed. The one missing memory. It came back. It came back hard and socked Nathan in the face even worse than he did to himself hours ago. I kissed Liam. The one thing he said he wasn’t going to do, and he did it while completely wasted. Was it good? Probably fucking not. Nathan had been kissed by drunken fools before, and it was always a disgusting affair.
Nathan got up. He couldn’t look at Liam as he walked out the door. He was a fireball of anger, furious with himself. Using his phone’s light to navigate across the field, Nathan retreated to Mark’s house. He opened the side door slowly, so as not to even risk making a sound, and tiptoed to his room. He undid the covers and got inside his bed.
Nathan stared at the ceiling. Within two seconds of laying down, he realized he wasn’t going to get a wink of sleep. No use trying, and he wasn’t going to count sheep. That would be salt in his wound.
He stared at the ceiling, thinking about how he got here and how he didn’t want to go. He thought about Franny’s buoyant figure in her new dress, the tears of joy when she saw her fixed hair. And he thought of his mother, naturally. Whenever Nathan used to fuck up, which was often, she would be the first person he thought of. He pictured her somewhere, wherever she was, some vague figure in his mind, shaking her head, thinking, “Well, I dodged that bullet.” She knew he was trouble from the first second she laid eyes on him, and she smartly ditched him. He would then think about his dad, who gave up his life to raise Nathan, who no matter how callous he might seen now, had kept his son and not tossed him into an orphanage. And what had Nathan done to repay him? What had Nathan done to help anyone?
He whipped off the covers. The sun had not risen. In his eyes, it wasn’t tomorrow yet.
Chapter 11
Liam
When Liam awoke, it was full-on daylight. Nine a.m. The day was already half gone, while back in Wellington, he would just be strolling into the office. He had let himself sleep in since his night was interrupted. Once Nathan left his house, Liam lay in bed for a while trying to fall asleep. He was angry at Nathan, but he still felt bad about what happened. Nathan had just collapsed to the ground so helplessly. Liam thought there’d be more of a fight when he told Nathan to leave, but he shuffled out, completely defeated.
He sat up and breathed in the peace and quiet around him. It was too quiet, though. He hadn’t set his alarm because he figured the sheep would wake him up with hungry bellies. Why weren’t they hungry?
Were they gone?
He put on a fleece since it was a bit chilly. Heavy clouds hung in the sky. Liam went outside. His sheep were still there, perfectly content. They muddled about the field and grazed.
Liam checked the water troughs and feeders, and to his surprise, they were all full. He walked over to the barn to check on the ewes, and on his way, he noticed there was no manure anywhere on the ground. He did his usual bobbing and weaving for nothing. They didn’t eat, drink, or shit. Did my livestock turn into robots?
Over the sounds of bleating, Liam heard Nathan’s voice inside the barn. He was talking to someone, and Liam heard his name in the conversation. He stopped at the door so as not to interrupt him. Liam figured he was on the phone.
“This is probably my last day here, and I wanted to say that even though our time together was brief, it was memorable.”
One of the sheep baaa’d.
“I don’t want to go, but…well, I fucked up. I fucked up real bad, though I appreciate your support Tilly.”
Liam recognized her familiar bleats.
“What? You don’t like your name? Tilly is a great name!”
Liam rested his head against the barn wall and kept listening.
“Are you nervous, Tilly? Very soon, you’re going to become a mum. That’s a big responsibility. You don’t want to be one of those mums who just leaves. Trust me, it’ll fuck your children up for life. And you’re going to have a big family. Lots of lambs. You’ll never be alone. It’s going to be wonderful.” Nathan let out a yawn. “You know, Till, you are so easy to talk to. If you ever get tired of the rural life, you should look into becoming a therapist.”
Liam smiled to himself. His foot slipped on hay and jerked back, kicking into the wall. Busted.
“Hello?” Nathan called out.
Liam strode into the room where Nathan laid with the ewes. As soon as he saw him, Nathan jumped up, his spine rigidly straight. Not a speck of attitude in his demeanor.
“Please don’t lay down on the hay. That’s for the sheep.”
“Right. I
was just making sure they were doing all right.”
“It’s not your responsibility to worry about them anymore.”
Nathan nodded with his head down. Again, defeated. It made it harder for Liam to stay mad at him.
“You replenished the troughs and picked up the manure?”
“And I cleaned the feeders, scraped off old hay from the barn floors, and patched up a hole in the barn.” Nathan showed him where he nailed a piece of wood over a hole one of the sheep had kicked in.
“I didn’t know you were so handy.”
“I watched a few YouTube videos before doing so.” Nathan fought back a yawn, practically pushed it back down his throat. His eyes were all bloodshot, but there were still flickers of life behind them.
“You didn’t have to do this. I told you—”
“—to pack my things and leave. But I’m hoping you will reconsider,” Nathan cracked out. “Liam, I am so sorry about last night. I promise to do better. To be better.”
Liam exhaled a breath through his nose. “You apologized earlier this morning.”
“This time, I mean it.”
“I don’t know if you should be here.” Liam found the anger inside him slipping away, and a surging need to wrap Nathan in his arms took hold, a need he would never act upon. But still, it was there, lingering.
“I want to stay. I will keep giving you one hundred percent. One thousand percent. I can do the work. Let’s just pretend like last night never happened. If I mess up again in any fashion, I’ll go. But please give me another chance.””
“You were a complete disaster. Why did you get completely munted?”
Nathan thought for a moment, then shrugged his shoulders and put on a smile. “I think the last remnants of jet lag got to me.”
Bullshit. Liam knew it. Nathan knew it. He studied Nathan’s face, waiting for him to be honest. They were in a mental tug of war over it, but Nathan kept smiling, kept pulling.
“I’ll think on it,” Liam said. He turned around and walked away.
“I was in rehab.” Nathan said when he reached the entrance. Liam put his hand on the door frame. “Before I came here.”
Outside Looking In: A Browerton University Book Page 8
