She ducks her head. “Sorry, Nadia.”
“That’s okay,” I reply, not knowing what else to say.
Trade sits next to me with a now sleeping Mila in his arms. “I know you all miss your mom, but that doesn’t mean you need to take that out on Nadia, okay? She’s here because she wants to spend time with us all, and she’s not trying to take your mom’s place.”
“I’m just here as a friend, if you guys are okay with that,” I say, forcing a smile.
“I’m happy you’re here,” AJ says, coming over and giving me a hug.
“Thank you, AJ,” I reply, smiling.
India looks over at me. “It’s not Nadia’s fault that Mom’s not here, Alia. I miss her, too. But I think Nadia is fun, and Mom was her friend. She’s nice to us and always has time for us.”
My chest starts to feel tight from all of this emotion and tension. I’ve somehow being thrown into the center of it just by my presence.
“And she smells good,” AJ adds, easing the tension a little.
“I said I was sorry,” Alia replies, and she does look it, her sad face making me want to assure her it was okay.
“I appreciate your apology,” I say, offering her a smile. “And I just want you to know that you can be open to me about how you’re feeling, or if there’s anything I can do to make you happier, okay?”
She nods. “I just really miss Mom today. She would have loved it here. I know she’s not my real mom, but she looked after me like she was, so she’s the second mom I’ve lost. My real mom wasn’t that great of a mom, so we went to live with Dad.”
My eyes widen as Alia opens up about her life. I’ve heard the story, of course, but not from them, and it’s heartbreaking that these kids have been through so much at their young age.
I glance over at Trade, the pain in his eyes unmistakable. “No matter what, we have each other, Alia,” he says. “And that’s more than some people have, so we should be thankful. And I love you, and will always be here for you. You know that.”
She nods and gets up to give her dad a hug. “I know, Dad.”
After she hugs Trade, she comes over and gives me a hug before heading to bed with the other kids. I go to our own tent while Trade tucks them all in, and I’m sitting on the blow-up mattress waiting for him as he enters.
“That was full on,” he comments, snuggling up next to me. “Thank you for being so patient with her, even when she was being rude. I’m so sorry you had to deal with that.”
“It’s okay. They’ve been through a lot, and they are kids. It was never going to always be smooth sailing.”
He kisses my temple. “You are wonderful, you know that?”
We go to bed, but Trade falls asleep before me and I’m left thinking about everything that was said tonight. I always told myself it wasn’t going to be easy, but experiencing it firsthand is a whole different ball game. It’s hard, and emotions were high tonight. I knew there were going to be ups and downs, but what if it just gets worse from here?
I fall asleep wondering if I’m cut out for dating a man with kids.
* * *
The kids are quiet when we drive home the next morning.
“Do we have to go home?” AJ asks for the third time. “I don’t want to go back to school. We can just skip a few days, can’t we?”
“I told you guys, I have to get back to work, and so does Nadia. Nadia runs her own business, so there’s no one to step in and do the work for her, and I am the manager at Fast & Fury, so I need to be at the garage, too,” Trade explains. “Maybe during the school holidays we can come back and for a longer stay. What do you think?”
“I think I’d rather stay now, but okay,” Alia sighs, looking out the window.
“Trust me, I wish we could stay longer,” I say to her. “But your dad is right—we have to get back to work. It’s a trip I won’t forget, though, so thank you for letting me come with you guys.”
“You’re welcome,” Mila replies sweetly.
I help Trade unpack everything and then drive home. In typical me fashion, I have a shower, get dressed and then head to my office.
No rest for the wicked.
Chapter Twenty-One
When Izzy reaches out the next day and asks if I want to go out for lunch with her, I take her up on the offer. We meet up at a café near my work, and she’s already there and waiting when I get there.
“Hey,” I say, smiling as I take my jacket off. “How are you?”
“I’m good, how are you?” she asks.
I sit down. “Not too bad.”
“Good. I thought we could just catch up and have a chat. I feel like you have lots to update me on.” She grins playfully.
“I wouldn’t even know where to start.”
She laughs. “The kids told me all about your camping trip—that sounded fun.”
“It was. It was so nice to get away, and it was our first trip together, so it was kind of a big deal,” I admit, hesitating. “Was there something you wanted to talk about?”
“Straight to the point, I like it.” She smirks. “I think I just want to spend more time with you, knowing that you are potentially going to be in Mila’s life now. You know I wanted her to come and live with me, but she kept asking for Trade, for her dad. I always thought if something happened to my sister it would be me raising Mila, but she wanted to stay where she was. It was hard to accept at first.”
I nod. “That would have been hard. They have a very close relationship, though. I don’t think anyone would ever question whether he was her dad or not.”
“Which is why I let her stay,” she replies, smiling. “And now between you and me, Renny and I are finally going to have our own child.”
My eyes widen. “Congratulations.”
“Thank you. I still like to take Mila when I can and have her stay with me for a few nights. She’s all I have left of my sister, you know, and she means everything to me.”
“She’s a wonderful little girl.”
“That she is. And she adores you, Nadia. She always has a big smile on her face when she talks about you. And she told me about what you said about Ariel.”
I rack my brain to remember if I said anything negative about Ariel. I don’t think I did, but kids remember everything.
Izzy must tell from my face that I’m horrified at the possibility of her repeating something I might have said. “Oh my God, nothing bad! She told me that you told her her mom is in her heart. She goes around patting it every once in a while. I’ve noticed her doing it. As if she’s reminding herself about her.”
“Oh! I didn’t realize Mila took what I said so seriously. I’m glad I could give her some comfort.” I smile, imagining her going around patting her chest.
“It’s the cutest thing. The first time she told me, I think I cried,” Izzy said with a fond smile. “So thank you for giving her that. I think it really brings her comfort.”
“That’s nice to hear. I think Alia is the one who is struggling the most right now. On our trip she brought up Ariel and how I’m trying to replace her. It was a hard conversation. I want to be there for them, but I don’t want them to think that I’m trying to come in and take over their lives either. Man, they should teach a class or something on how to deal with this.”
Izzy’s lip twitches. “Yeah, it must be hard for them. They all really took to Ariel because she was so different from their own mom, who from what I’ve heard was okay at the start but then turned to drugs. Ariel took them in like her own, and they gave her some shit, too. It wasn’t all rainbows and butterflies.”
“So what you’re saying is, there is hope?”
She laughs. “There is always hope. You are doing a great job, Nadia. It’s not an easy thing you’ve taken on, but they are good kids. It might take a little time for them to get used to having another woman in their lives
, though. Especially with all that has happened. That’s all that they see and know: that they were left again.”
“And I’m going to have to prove to them that I’m here to stay,” I say with confidence.
“It will be worth it in the end,” she assures me. “And I’m always here if you need someone. Give me a call, anytime.”
“Thanks, Izzy,” I say, smiling.
She reaches down and touches her tummy. “I wish Ariel was here to experience being an aunt, but I know she’s watching over us.”
At the mention of Ariel, I know I have to tell her about the case. “There’s something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about.”
“What is it?”
I give her the rundown on Damon, Taylor and the case.
Her eyes widen with each sentence coming from my mouth. “So you really think Damon didn’t do it?”
“I don’t know yet, but there is something strange about this case, and there have been two witnesses who’ve come forward saying they saw Damon that night. I’m going to see where this leads and I just wanted to let you know. Something is off about this whole situation, and I need to figure it all out.”
“I want whoever really did this to be behind bars, and if it wasn’t Damon, then I want to know who, so thank you.”
We order some coffee and cake, and continue to chat about the kids, about Trade and everything else. It’s really nice to hear her perspective, and she knows the kids and the situation well, so it’s great having her input. It’s also great that she wants to get to know me more, and doesn’t have any negative feelings toward me for being with her sister’s ex or for investigating the murder.
She’s a beautiful soul.
But our conversation leaves me feeling more confused than ever. Can I take all of this on? Is it too much? Or it is too late now? What if Alia never takes a liking to me, and there’s always going to be bitterness from them? Will I still be able to have a relationship with Trade then?
How do you not replace someone, but also connect with their kids to give them what they need?
I don’t know where I’m meant to be, but I feel like one thing is for sure: I’m always going to be compared to Ariel. Or maybe that just comes from me, in my own head.
I don’t even know anymore.
* * *
Marisol steps into my office, and it’s the first time I’ve seen her in person since I told her I could no longer work on her case. I feel a little awkward. I don’t know whether I should hug her like I normally would, so I just stay seated at my desk, waiting for her to make the first move.
She sits opposite me and smiles sadly. “How have you been, Nadia?”
I clear my throat, missing the usual ease and comfort between us. When I called her and asked her if she could drop by, I knew this conversation was long overdue. I don’t want us to lose our relationship because of the case. “I’m good. I’m glad you came to visit—there’s something I wanted to talk to you about.”
“And what’s that?”
“I heard from a cop that there are two witnesses saying they saw Damon that night, when he was supposed to be with you at his house. Why did you lie?” I ask straight-out.
She winces, and then sighs. “I’m his mother—of course I lied for him. It wouldn’t have looked good if they knew he left for an hour or two. Just enough time for them to say that he did kill her.”
“And how do you know that he didn’t?”
“Because I know my son. When you have a child, you will understand. He doesn’t have a mean bone in his body,” she replies.
“Some parents think their kids can do no wrong. But I call those parent goggles. You only see the version of him you want to, not what others see.”
“That is not the case here,” she replies, sounding offended.
“Do you know where he did go that night then?” I ask.
“He said he went to see a friend.”
“Apparently he was out selling drugs,” I say, watching her reaction closely. “Selling them, taking them, I don’t know, but he was out being shady.”
Her lips tighten. “He wouldn’t get back into that again.” She shakes her head. “No, he wouldn’t.”
My frustration with her is building. She is still in denial about her son and all his shortcomings. “If he was just with a friend, the cops could have spoken to that friend. So why hasn’t Damon mentioned it then?” I ask. “It’s because he was out selling drugs and that’s not something you’d really want to admit to the police. Or maybe he just didn’t want you to find out.”
She wipes a tear away and makes a sound of resignation. “I can’t believe he would be so stupid.”
She looks me in the eye, and nods as if she’s finally accepting the truth about her son. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you the truth, Nadia,” she says after a few moments of silence. “I should have. I thought you might not take on the case if I told you. Plus, I’d have to admit that I lied in court, which is a crime in itself.”
“You should have told me, yes. But I’m glad it’s all on the table now,” I say. “We are looking into the case still. I can’t make any promises, but if anything comes up, I will let you know. Okay?”
She closes her eyes and exhales as she hears the news. “That’s all I ask for. Thank you, Nadia. And I hope you know that I love you. No matter what happens, I’ll always feel that way.” I can hear the appreciation in her tone, and the hope that I’ve given her.
“I know, and I feel the same way,” I say, forcing a smile. “But don’t thank me yet. I don’t know what’s going to happen.”
“I know, but knowing you are trying gives me hope.”
She leaves, seeming more optimistic than when she stepped into my office.
I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.
Chapter Twenty-Two
I stay at Trade’s that night. When we start kissing and things get a little hot and heavy, I stop him. “What if the kids hear us?” I whisper.
“They won’t,” he assures me, and continues to kiss my neck.
“But what if they do? I don’t want to traumatize them.”
Trade laughs. “Babe, do you think that parents never have sex? You have to live with your kids for at least eighteen years—that’s a long time to go without sex. And all of their rooms are on the other side of the house.”
“I never really thought about anyone’s parents having sex before,” I admit, wincing.
I guess he’s right, though. No one stops having sex because there are kids in the same house as you, and their rooms are far away from ours. We don’t share any walls with them.
“Okay, but we have to be quiet,” I demand.
Trade laughs again against my skin, then bites down softly. “Can you be quiet?”
“I can try,” I say breathily. “Maybe you could stop doing that, though.”
He smiles and keeps kissing me, moving lower down my body. I’ve never been with a man who actually enjoys pleasing me and going down on me so much before, and I have to say that I fucking love it.
I’m obsessed with him.
He puts me first, he never complains or makes anything feel like it’s a chore, and he’s damn good with his mouth, his fingers and his cock.
Yeah, I’m not letting this one get away.
His tongue twirls around my clit, and I put a pillow over my face and bite down on it.
Fuck.
He suddenly stops and lifts his head up. “I love you.”
I smile, eyes locking with his. “I love you, too.”
Fuck. What a big step we’ve taken tonight just by uttering those words. Yeah, it was during sex, which probably wasn’t the best moment to say it for the first time.
Yet I don’t regret it.
And I mean it.
After we’ve both come, me more than once,
we fall asleep. I wake up in the night to Trade talking in his sleep.
“Ariel.”
I hear it, as clear as day, and it’s like someone has thrown a bucket of ice water on me. I know that she will forever be a part of this family and our lives, even though she’s not here, and I have accepted that.
I mean, I see her in all the children, especially Mila. I see her in the photos around the house. They are part of her.
I have accepted all of this.
But to hear him saying her name while we are naked and pressed against each other, hours after we just made love, is a hard pill to swallow. He must be dreaming about her.
I know she’s not here, but it still hurts.
I don’t sleep for the rest of the night—I just think. Or overthink, as it were.
I love Trade, and he loves me. And if I want to be with him, this is just something that comes along with it. He can’t control his actions when he’s asleep, I know that.
It just hurts that even his subconscious mind runs back to her. And if she was here, Trade wouldn’t have even looked at me or given me the time of day.
It’s hard not to feel second place when you look at it like that.
When he wakes up in the morning, I don’t tell him what he said. I just force a smile and pretend like everything is fine.
Apparently I’m good at doing that.
* * *
Trade comes over to my house in the evening. “What are you doing here?” I ask, smiling.
“Izzy took all the kids out for a movie, so I thought I’d surprise you,” he says, handing me a bouquet of flowers and a bottle of wine. “I know you’re stressed out, so I’m going to give you a massage and wine.”
I smile. “That sounds perfect, Trade.”
He comes inside and I pour the wine for us both.
“I forgot to tell you that Damon’s mother came in yesterday to have a chat. Everything is just such a mess, you know? I really need this wine right now.”
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