by Marian Tee
Memories from the past swirled in Jaak’s mind, crystallizing into bloodstained images.
“It’s the greatest irony in life, Jaak. When you love someone—-”
The words began to hammer into Jaak’s brain, and his heart began to pump fast.
“You give that person absolute power over you—-”
Too goddamn fast, almost like it only had minutes left to beat—-
“Even if that person doesn’t love you back.”
The truth in Willem’s words crashed down on Jaak, and he stumbled back.
“You know how I fucked up with Sere,” Willem said quietly. “The whole fucking world knows, and it’s even documented. But none of you know the worst of it. None of you—-” Willem breathed hard. “None of you know how I entrusted Seri to her family, and it allowed Shane to beat her up—-”
Jaak sucked hard at the look of devastation on his brother’s face.
“They nearly crippled her, fucking broke her ribs.” Willem lifted his pain-ravaged gaze to his brother. “Do you think those memories don’t eat at me every night?”
Willem dragged breath into his lungs.
“They do, Jaak. Every damn second. But I can’t – don’t – let it stop me from going to her because she loves me. And for as long as Serenity wants me to love her, then I will. I don’t give a damn if people think I’m too old for her or that I don’t deserve her. It’s only what she wants that matters. So if she loves me, and she wants me to love her, I’m not fucking complaining.
“When I look at you, Jaak – didn’t you ever think that it would be the same for me? That I would think I failed you, too?”
Jaak blanched. Such a thought had never occurred to him because in his eyes – in all his younger siblings’ eyes – Willem had been perfect.
But seeing the bleakness in Willem’s eyes told him he should have.
And he would have, if he hadn’t been so damn blinded by his own weaknesses.
“You were never to blame,” Jaak said fiercely. “You let our father beat you up, for fuck’s sake.”
“But I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about you.”
Jaak jerked.
“I keep asking myself if there was something I could have said or done differently, some way I could have helped you to keep you from losing it—-”
“Bullshit,” Jaak snapped.
Willem smiled grimly. “Exactly, Jaak. If you think blaming myself for what happened to you is bullshit, then accept that you blaming yourself for what happened in the past is the same fucking piece of bull.”
Ah.
“If you love her—-”
“And she wants you to love her—-”
“Then, goddammit, Jaak, love her.”
Chapter Twenty-Three
Valentine’s Day dawned bright and clear for those who could see Mokkum’s perfect blue skies, and since it fell on a Saturday, Ilse had the rare chance to take Jan out. Even better, Erik had actually invited both of them on a Valentine’s trip, saying that he didn’t want to be out of town on the day everyone in the world celebrated being in love.
“Are you ready?” Erik asked cheerfully, popping his head into Ilse’s bedroom. Over a week had passed since Ilse and Jan had showed up unannounced on his front door. One look at her tear-stained face, and he hadn’t even cared to ask questions.
He had let her in, saying simply that they could stay with him for as long as they wanted. The offer had always been there, actually. It was only that Ilse had been so afraid of becoming weak again that she had struggled hard to provide for herself and Jan on her own.
Ilse turned towards Erik’s voice with a smile. “Ready in a bit.” Her voice was slightly muffled since she had a pin between her lips and she was busy combing her hair back. When she had it styled the way she wanted – or imagined rather – she took the pin from her lips and clipped it into place.
Glancing back at where Erik’s voice had come from, she asked, “Do I look okay?”
“Stunning.” And Erik meant it. Issac once told him that he saw Ilse as ethereal and even though he batted for the same team, Erik could definitely see why Issac had likened Ilse to an angel.
And even when heartbreak should have diminished her beauty—-
Even when losing her sight should have made Ilse drown in the depths of despair—-
It did the opposite.
It was as if knowing how much pain she could withstand allowed Ilse to be braver, kinder—-
Lovelier, to the point that it could take people’s breath away.
“Erik?” Ilse’s tone was bemused. “I can feel you staring at me.”
Erik scowled. “I wasn’t.”
“Hmm.” A dubious look crossed Ilse’s face.
“Anyway.” Erik’s tone became brisk. “We should get going. We have a full day ahead of us.”
Ilse gave him a mock salute. “Aye, aye, Captain.”
They started out on foot, the three of them enjoying the slightly chilly weather in their thick coats while sipping hot cocoa from insulated flasks. A good number of roads and alleys were decked in full Valentine’s glory, and so were most of the cafes and boutiques they walked past.
Jan and Erik took turns describing the sights to Ilse, and she oohed and aahed alongside them. She was a good sport, the best really, but even so, it hurt. When Erik’s tone suddenly cracked, Ilse’s lips curved in a familiar, Mona Lisa smile, and the sight made him want to bawl like a kid.
It wasn’t right. It wasn’t fair. It just fucking wasn’t.
And yet, Ilse only reached blindly for his arm, saying softly, “It’s okay, Erik. I’m happy.”
Their first stop was Ilse’s favorite bookstore, and Mr. Peters offered them a plate of cookies, gruffly saying that it was free because it was Valentine’s.
That was a lie, of course, and Erik had to quickly cover Jan’s mouth when Ilse’s brother started to speak. Knowing Jan, he would probably ask why it was the cookies came from a jar with a clearly labeled price.
They brought Ilse to the Braille section, and Ilse happily browsed books for some minutes. Her progress in self-studying the language had been pretty amazing, and Erik had a feeling it was only a matter of time before Ilse could find herself a full-time job despite her handicap.
They enjoyed a late lunch at a nearby café afterwards, followed by an afternoon screening at The Movies on Harlemmerdjik. It was the city’s oldest cinema and when Ilse found out they had a private room all to themselves, she had asked in concern, “Aren’t we spending a bit too much?”
“We are,” Erik answered cheerfully. And it didn’t matter since it wasn’t his money they were spending.
Ilse frowned. “If you’re thinking of adding this to my tab later on—-”
Erik scowled. “Of course not! What kind of friend do you think I am?”
“A tight-fisted one. You’ve always been so, and we both know it.”
“Yes, well.” Erik sniffed. “People can change. This is my treat, so stop complaining and just enjoy it.”
It was already past five by the time they left the cinema, and the sun had set by the time they made it to their last activity for the day. Bright lights illuminated the canals, and there were also more boats than usual cruising its quiet waters, mostly occupied by couples.
When they stopped in front of a luxurious but compact yacht, Jan’s eyes widened. Standing at the helm of the luxurious 48-foot speedboat was none other than the billionaire himself, dressed in his usual fashion, with a scarf wrapped around his neck and a gray fleece coat over his shirt and vest.
Ilse’s brother started to speak, but then Jaak placed a finger on his lips, and Jan fell silent.
“I bet the canals look stunning right now,” Ilse murmured whimsically as she listened to the people around her gush over the sights.
“It does,” Erik agreed, “and that’s why you’re taking a canal cruise right now.”
Ilse’s eyebrows shot up. “But you hate boats.”
“I do.” Erik didn’t even deny it. “I also hate going to cafes, bookstores, cinemas—-”
Ilse couldn’t help laughing. “I know.” Her tone was rueful. “That’s why I knew today’s itinerary was probably prompted by pity.”
“Yes, well.” He cleared his throat awkwardly. Since he did hate most of the things Ilse enjoyed, Erik doubted he could have created the kind of itinerary they had enjoyed today, with every minute tailor-planned to meet Ilse’s needs. Even their exact route had been mapped out, ensuring that Ilse’s blindness wouldn’t cause her trouble.
This kind of trip could only have been planned by someone who loved Ilse with all his heart—-
And that wasn’t him.
Praying to God that he hadn’t just made his biggest mistake in entrusting Ilse to the billionaire, Erik said hurriedly, “The boat’s about to leave, so you should go.”
Ilse was startled. “Me? Do you mean it will just be Jan and me?”
“Jan’s coming with me.”
Ilse was even more worried now. “You want me to go on a cruise alone?”
“I made sure to let the captain know of your condition, so there’s nothing to worry about.” Erik began pushing Ilse, leaving her no choice but to move forward.
“Are you sure—-”
“You’re in good hands,” Erik assured her. Dear God, let that be true. “Captain Avery?”
“I’ll take good care of your friend, sir,” the female captain answered reassuringly. “Miss Muir? May I guide you aboard?”
When Ilse still hesitated, Erik stepped forward, and bending his head, he said quietly, “I thought it was time you tried going out alone.”
Ah.
“You wanted to be strong, don’t you?”
Ilse slowly nodded.
“So...you’re good with this?” Erik hated the fact that he was lying, but neither he nor the billionaire was willing to tell Ilse the truth and risk having her run away.
“You’ll look after Jan, promise?”
“You know you never have to ask.”
Ilse gave her friend a quick hug. “Thank you, Erik.”
And then she was off.
The female captain was perfunctory and friendly at the same time, and she offered Ilse assistance in an efficient manner that spoke of her experience in dealing with people with disabilities.
She gave Ilse a quick but comprehensive tour around the speedboat, which boasted of a stateroom, a master’s bedroom with an en-suite shower, and a custom-designed mahogany library that enjoyed wall-to-wall shelves and panoramic windows. The captain described each area with rich detail, making it easy for Ilse to visualize everything in her mind.
“One of the best things about this boat is that it comes with skyhook technology,” Captain Avery continued as she guided Ilse back to the U-shaped lounge above deck. “This means we don’t need to drop off an anchor to keep the boat stable. The rest of the boat’s system is state-of-the-art, too, making a co-captain unnecessary.”
“If I ever find a boyfriend...” Ilse’s tone was humorous. “I’ll make sure to recommend this boat to him.”
“Of course.” Captain Avery was unable to meet the gaze of the billionaire, the ex-boyfriend. “We’re about to start sailing any moment, Ms. Muir—-”
“Ilse, please.” She let Captain Avery lead her to her seat and assured the other woman she would be alright.
“There’s a table in front of you,” Captain Avery informed her, “and you’ll find the brochure for tonight’s tour on it, written in Braille.”
Ilse was startled but pleased. “Thank you.” Erik had obviously gone the extra mile today, and she was now doubly convinced that her friend did see her as an object of pity. As she heard the speedboat’s engine start, Ilse slowly became aware of being the focus of another person’s gaze.
Something about it made her self-conscious, and she awkwardly tucked loose strands of her hair behind her ears. She wished she had thought to ask Captain Avery if she was the only passenger aboard.
Could it be another employee? Or perhaps it was another passenger with a disability, maybe someone deaf this time? It was possible, wasn’t it? Maybe this was a tour specifically designed for people like Ilse, and it could explain why Captain Avery was so adept at handling her needs.
Turning towards where she sensed the other person was, Ilse made herself smile, and then she realized belatedly that she wouldn’t know if the person would smile back or not.
Idiot, she thought.
“Hello?”
She waited for the person to answer, but there was only silence and—-
Oh. What if the person was deaf? Then it would mean the person wouldn’t have heard her at all, and her lips twitched as she realized just how absurd the situation was playing out.
Still smiling to herself, she bent forward, her hands moving in the air until she was able to grasp something solid. Her fingers moved over the table until she found the brochure written in Braille.
She ran her fingers over the surface.
I love you.
Ik hou van je.
Je t’aime.
Ti amo.
Ilse’s lips curved. What a nice marketing tactic, to start off the brochure with ‘I love you’ written in different languages. Perhaps she could suggest this to Gloria, maybe make a brochure that spelled Glory Hall in different languages in Braille.
The thought almost made her giggle, and Ilse’s fingers shook a little as she read the rest of the brochure.
Aishiteru.
She sensed the other person aboard start towards her, and Ilse did her best not to stiffen. Surely...surely there was nothing to worry about?
Wo ai ni.
Ana behibek.
She could feel the person coming closer, and Ilse swallowed as her heart started to thud against her chest.
Ich liebe dich.
She turned to the last page of the brochure, and her brows furrowed when nothing seemed to be written. Wasn’t this supposed to talk about the tour? She ran her fingers over the paper again, more slowly this time, and finally she felt it, written in fine print.
I was wrong to walk away, Ilse.
The brochure slipped from her fingers just as she felt the person – no, him—-
Ah.
She felt him moving towards her.
She sensed him kneeling in front of her.
Hands captured hers, and she didn’t resist.
They brought her hands to his face, and she started to cry, the tears raining down her cheeks silently as she felt his features under her fingers.
This face was...familiar.
Her fingers moved to trace his lip.
Beloved.
Ilse choked back a sob, but when she felt the lips under her fingers start to move, she shook her head jerkily. “N-no.” Her tone was frail and fierce at the same time. “No, Jaak.”
The billionaire’s heart constricted painfully behind his chest. God. He had thought he would never hear her say his name again.
“You don’t need to say a thing.” A smile wobbled on her lips. “I just need you to be here, and...” She raised her gaze to his, unseeing eyes that could somehow see through his soul the way no one else could. “You’re here with me now.” Her voice broke. “You didn’t fail me—-”
He could no longer help it, cupping her face so he could kiss her.
“This is the last time,” he swore raggedly, “I’ll make you cry.”
And the tears fell faster even as her arms went around him, telling him without words that she believed in him.
Because she loved him.
When he pulled away, it was to slide a ring on her finger, and Ilse’s shoulders started to shake as she realized what it meant.
“Oh, Jaak.”
“Ilse...” His voice was tight with emotion. “Love me.”
“I do.”
“Need me.” And the billionaire’s voice broke, too. “I need you,” he said rawly, “to need me as I have always needed you.”
/> “You never had to ask. I was meant to love you, Jaak.” She smiled at him tremulously. “And that’s why I needed you before I even met you.”
Epilogue
One year later
“I’ll be out in a minute,” Ilse called out from the walk-in closet.
“That’s what you said a minute ago, babe,” her husband called back from the bedroom. “And the minute before that, and—-”
“I get the picture,” Ilse yelled, “and you’re not helping.”
A moment later, and the billionaire sounded a lot nearer as he delivered in perfectly crisp English, “I love you. Does that help?”
Since her knees were threatening to buckle, yes, it definitely did help, but she would rather not tell him that. The billionaire had an all-too-big ego as it was. He didn’t need it to get any bigger, and so Ilse only allowed herself to grunt in response.
The billionaire’s lips twitched. “You can say it, babe. It’s written all over your face anyway.”
“Excuse me?”
“The fact that I make you head over heels,” the billionaire said wickedly.
Ilse made a face. “Ha. Ha. Ha.”
But her reddened cheeks belied her sarcastic response, and the billionaire grinned at the sight. Walking towards her, he asked, “Can I help you with anything?”
Ilse bit back a sigh. She had hoped she could do it on her own, but after one year of living blind, she also knew when to call it quits, and she said ruefully, “It’s nothing serious. I just...” Her shoulders moved in an almost embarrassed shrug. “I can’t find my belt.”
Ah. Knowing how much those small words had cost his fiercely independent wife, the billionaire waited patiently, his silence letting Ilse know that this would be her decision to make. If she wanted his help, she only had to say the word. But if she wanted to do it on her own, then he would let her.
Ilse’s lips curved. “Aren’t we in danger of being late?”
They were, the billionaire thought. He had a surprise party planned for her, and they had a lot of guests waiting. But out loud, he only said, “It’s our building, babe. We can go there anytime.”
