by John Gottman
5. Keep talking until you can determine together how each of you can best display the characteristics on each other’s lists.
6. Write all the words down and keep them in a place that’s easily accessible to both of you.
7. The next time you get into a conflict with this person, remember the words that were on your list. Say the one that best describes what you need from this person in that moment. Think of yourself as an encouraging coach who only wants the best for both of you.
8. When you hear your partner offer his or her word, stop and remember what he or she needs in the moment. Think of this person as an encouraging coach who only wants the best for both of you.
9. Try to use this exercise consistently over a period of several weeks. The more you use it, the better you’ll learn it, and the more effective it will become.
Words to Use
Empathize Expand Accept
Respect Endure Watch
Nurture Accept me Cooperate
Court me Tenderness Stand up for me
Dignity Teamwork Honesty
Start over Cherish Hold me
Listen Caress Talk
Love Be silly Conscience
Fun End the chaos Connect
Company Emote Compromise
Validate Be strong Feel
Touch Don’t whine Feedback
Affection Let it in Faith
Forgive Include me Explain
Help Don’t go Experiment
Honor me Take charge Abandon
Notice Know yourself I was wrong
We Kiss me You may be right
Boundaries Laugh I see your point
Symbiotic Defend me Humor
Believe Stop Heal
Soften Stay Grow
Begin again Create Give in
Surprise Courage Stand by me
Assert Cope Spontaneity
Ask questions Kindness Stand up
Summarize Follow through Sorry
Say yes Breathe Energy
Strength Accept influence Compassion
Commitment Think Careful
Us Optimism Responsibility
Yield Soften Relax
Hug me Sense Reason
Yes Sensation Protect
Taste Gentleness Principles
Soothe See my point Calm down
Solidarity See Pleasure
Unity Say maybe Peace
Understand Romance Repair
Trust Restore Patience
Treasure Rest Open
5. Practicing a Crabby Habit of Mind
Comedian George Carlin used to say there were only two kinds of drivers in the world: the “maniacs” who drove faster than he did, and the “idiots” who drove slower. We all laughed at the joke because it poked fun at a common human weakness: the crabby habit of mind.
Everybody feels irritable on occasion, but when you have a crabby habit of mind, you feel this way just about all the time. You constantly scan the world for evidence to justify your feelings. And in this imperfect world, that evidence is not hard to find. (“Damn it! You left the milk out on the counter—again!” “Look at that yard! Are those people ever going to mow their lawn?” “Politicians! Their double-talk gets on my nerves!”)
When you have a crabby habit of mind, you often try to correct imperfect situations and you get overly concerned about other people’s faults. Consequently, you may do more than your fair share of turning against others’ bids for connection, and your relationships may suffer as a result.
What can be done to transform the crabby habit of mind? I believe a small percentage of people who feel chronically angry or irritated have a chemical imbalance that can be treated with antidepressants like Prozac. If you believe this may be true for you, you’ll want to talk to your physician or a mental health practitioner about it.
But I also believe that most crabby people can change by making a conscious choice to react to the world in a different way. The key is to scan your environment regularly for things and people to appreciate rather than to criticize. In so doing, you create a new climate of praise and gratitude in your life. Instead of getting bogged down in people’s faults and mistakes, you get swept up in a fruitful search for reasons to say “thank you.”
I have seen this transformation happen among couples I’ve counseled as well as in my own life. Let me give you an example. Several years ago, I joined a new synagogue, and on my first Saturday, I observed a man who was leading the prayer and singing. He had a beautiful voice, but instead of appreciating that, my first reaction was to think, “What a show-off!”
When I got home, I realized how my response was directly opposed to the whole reason I had gone to synagogue. The Sabbath is supposed to be a celebration of compassion and understanding, of letting go of your judgments of other people. And here I was, harshly criticizing a man I didn’t even know. That made me think about how critical and impatient I had become in so many areas of my life. I was turning increasingly irritable with my wife, my coworkers, and my friends. Like a crow gathering bits of debris for a nest, I kept looking around for faults I could use to build my case against other people. I wanted evidence to justify the low-level irritability I was feeling. So, like George Carlin, I started to believe that my world was populated by maniacs and idiots!
I decided that day that I would make a conscious effort to change. Instead of looking for people’s faults, I would look for their strengths and take the opportunity to praise them if I could. The first time I was introduced to the man who sang at the synagogue, I said, “I really enjoyed your singing today.” It was the honest truth and the beginning of a lasting friendship.
Taken individually, such statements seem like no big deal. But when you decide to make praise and appreciation a habit in your life, it can have a profound impact on your relationships. Our research shows that married couples who regularly express their appreciation for each other have much happier, stronger marriages. And in our laboratory studies with parents and their children, we observed significant differences in the ways children reacted when their parents criticized or praised them. In one study, for example, parents were asked to teach their children a new task. Those children whose parents focused mainly on their errors made more mistakes. But those whose parents emphasized what they were doing right improved their performance.
We also observed that children whose parents did not get involved in their mistakes turned toward their parents when they had a problem. This is a significant lesson for critical parents who may wish that children would view them as wise and discerning advisers. Our research shows just the opposite: Children with critical parents turn away from their parents in times of trouble. But children with parents who consistently praise them for their accomplishments turn toward their parents for support, even when things go wrong.
This same principle holds true in all kinds of relationships. Regularly expressing praise and appreciation can change the whole emotional climate of your home, your workplace, and your various circles of family and friends. People grow closer in the knowledge that they can count on one another for support in good times and in bad.
The following exercise can help you to transform a crabby, critical habit of mind to one that praises and appreciates.
Exercise: Thanksgiving Every Day
A steady diet of gratitude is one of the best-known cures for a crabby habit of mind. Here’s how the diet works.
1. Each day for one week, keep track of the times you feel like criticizing somebody important in your life, such as your spouse, a relative, a friend, or a close coworker. Try to come up with at least five incidents each day, and write them down in your Emotion Log.
2. After you’ve described the critical feelings and the incident that preceded it, find a way to counter that criticism with praise and appreciation. You may feel some resistance to doing this, especially if you feel that your criticism was justified. But try to ignore that resistance. Just set aside the faults you perceive in that person and look inst
ead for reasons to value him or her. The list of qualities provided may be helpful as you consider these reasons.
3. Each day, make a point to share those five bits of praise or appreciation with the people who earned it.
4. Notice what effects these offerings have on your relationships, and write about them in your Emotion Log.
Examples
• Criticism: You’re sitting there thinking that Jack the bartender’s habit of whistling drives you up the wall.
• Praise or appreciation: You notice that the customers really seem to like Jack’s sense of humor, and that’s good for business. You tell Jack what you’re thinking.
• Effects of praising him: Jack laughs and seems to be in a good mood all night. You think maybe it’s made him whistle more, but folks are hanging around and he’s selling lots of drinks.
• Criticism: Your daughter forgot to fold the laundry as you asked her to do. You think, “She’s so thoughtless,” but you say nothing. You start looking around for something about her to appreciate.
• Praise or appreciation: You see why she forgot about the laundry: She has so much homework to do. At least she’s diligent about her studies. She gets good grades, and she’s learning so much. You decide to praise her for being so good about her homework.
• Effects of praising her: She seems calm and peaceful, content to keep studying. You realize how proud of her you are.
• Criticism: Your brother is so opinionated. He acts like such a know-it-all. You don’t say anything. Instead you try to think of qualities you like about him.
• Praise or appreciation: You realize that he takes such good care of your mom. He’s conscientious and responsible. You don’t know what your family would do without him. You’ve never told him how much you value this about him. You decide to do so now.
• Effects of praising him: He seems to understand how genuinely grateful you are. You notice that he becomes a little easier to be around. It seems that he’s not trying so hard to prove himself. Maybe he just needed a little appreciation.
Qualities to Praise and Appreciate
Loving Cheerful Nurturing
Sensitive Coordinated Warm
Brave Graceful Virile
Intelligent Elegant Kind
Thoughtful Gracious Gentle
Generous Playful Practical
Loyal Caring Lusty
Honest A great friend Witty
Strong Exciting Relaxed
Energetic Thrifty Beautiful
Sexy Full of plans Handsome
Decisive Shy Rich
Creative Vulnerable Calm
Imaginative Committed Lively
Fun Involved Assertive
Attractive Expressive Protective
Interesting Active Sweet
Supportive Careful Tender
Funny Reserved Powerful
Considerate Adventurous Flexible
Affectionate Receptive Understanding
Organized Reliable Totally silly
Resourceful Responsible
Athletic Dependable
6. Avoiding the Conversation You Need to Have
When things go wrong in a relationship, people often ask, “Was it something that I said?” Well, maybe. But more often it’s the things people don’t say that harm their relationships. According to the psychologist Dan Wile, many arguments spring from issues that people need to discuss but never do. In the resulting tension and confusion, quarrels erupt, leading to hostility, defensiveness, and withdrawal.
For example, Harry comes home in a foul mood after a terrible day at his business. He feels that he’s been putting out fires for the past two months, and today there seemed to be a crisis a minute. He’s exhausted and discouraged. His sales are off, and he’s worried that this year may be a disaster. He’s not sure why this is happening. What’s worse, he’s doesn’t even like his work. He’s been thinking for some time that he’d like to go back to school and get a certificate to teach high-school math. But that would radically lower the family’s income, and he suspects that his wife, Jane, won’t go for it. So he doesn’t even mention it to her.
Entering the house, Harry feels he needs some time alone just to think about his future, particularly to brood about potential disasters. But Jane has also had a terrible day, and she wants to talk. She’s been very worried about their oldest boy, who’s been having behavior problems and is failing in school. She and the boy had a nasty argument after school, when she confronted him about his grades.
Jane is feeling incompetent as a mother, and she wants Harry’s help. But for the past year or so, he’s been overworked, depressed, and withdrawn from her and the children. Every time she tries to talk with Harry, he puts her off, so she winds up handling things alone. By now she’s starting to feel very lonely. They haven’t made love in months. Their relationship, however, can wait. Tonight she’s determined to talk to Harry about their son. And she’s determined that she’s going to get some help from Harry right now.
How does Harry react to her demands? He explodes. “I’ve been dealing with one crisis after another all day,” he growls. “All I want is a little window of peace when I get home so that I can read the newspaper and unwind. Is that too much to ask?”
“Yes, it is,” Jane tells him. Especially considering that he’s been absent from the family for quite some time, she thinks. “You’ve become a working machine. And if you don’t care enough about me and the kids to deal with this, then why don’t you just move out of here and live at the office?”
After a few more mean-spirited exchanges, Harry and Jane storm off to separate corners of the house to eat their dinners in a tension-filled silence.
Clearly there’s an important conversation—or two or three—that Harry and Jane need to have. But because they haven’t had that conversation, they had this fight instead.
If you’re in a relationship where there seems to be an inordinate amount of conflict, you may want to take a look at the issues that aren’t being discussed. Perhaps one person is making repeated bids for connection around a particular matter, only to have those bids ignored or dismissed. As we described in chapter 2, consistently turning away from one another’s bids often leads to the type of hostility that destroys bonds. Or perhaps both of you are avoiding a hot issue because you believe that talking about it will just cause more problems. Trouble is, you’re experiencing conflict and discomfort over the issue anyway. But if you talk about it, you open the possibility of breaking down the barrier that’s growing between you.
As Wile explains, you typically have three choices when faced with an interpersonal conflict:
1. Attack and defend. This happens when you decide the other person’s faults or inadequacies are to blame, so you lash out at that person, driving him or her away. If you’re the recipient of such an attack, you get defensive, which also leads to alienation.
2. Avoid or deny. Here, you try to ignore or minimize your negative feelings about the problem. You tell yourself, “It’s silly to feel this way,” or “I just won’t think about it and maybe it will go away.” As the problem persists, however, it gets harder and harder to hold this position.
3. Self-disclose and connect. You can discuss how you feel about the problem and work on common understanding. Even if you don’t find the perfect compromise or solution, you’ve at least established an emotional connection.
When you’re tired of attack-and-defend, and you find that avoid-or-deny isn’t working, then you’re left with just one viable option—self-disclose and connect. Although talking about your feelings sounds simple, we all know that often it’s not. If it were, you probably wouldn’t have these problems in the first place, right? But my research and experience tell me there’s a great place to start: Focus on your feelings in the moment. Also, know that you can talk about those feelings without acting on them. You can say:
• “I feel so angry I want to yell at you.” But you don’t have to yell. You can just talk about the feeling o
f wanting to yell. You talk about your anger.
• “I feel so defensive that I just want to lash out at you.” But you don’t have to lash out. You can talk about the feeling of wanting to do so. You talk about feeling defensive.
• “I feel so upset I want to leave.” But you don’t have to leave. You can stay and talk about the feeling of wanting to withdraw. You talk about being upset.
• “I feel so scared that I want to ignore this problem and pretend it will go away.” But you don’t have to ignore it. You can talk about how the problem makes you feel afraid. You can talk about your fear.
Talking about your feelings in this way doesn’t make all your problems go away, nor does it solve conflicts. But it does create an opportunity to connect with that other person. You’re not attacking and you’re not withdrawing. Instead you’re extending yourself and making a bid for understanding. If the other person can turn toward your bid, then you won’t feel isolated anymore. You won’t feel as if you’re facing off at opposite ends of a boxing ring. You’ll feel that you’re together in the problem. You’ll feel you can support one another emotionally as you work it out.
Let me give you an example. Kyle and Jessica are a couple who came to the Gottman Institute for help with sexual problems in their marriage. As a child, Jessica had been sexually abused by a close relative. Consequently she had a hard time feeling safe and relaxed in her sexual encounters with Kyle. His advances often made her feel terribly anxious, so she would push him away. Sometimes she’d feel so desperate to make him leave that she’d tell him that he wasn’t good enough—that his body wasn’t sexy or that his technique was all wrong. She knew this was untrue and unfair, and she felt terribly guilty about it. But at times it seemed the only way to protect herself from an anxiety that would overwhelm her. In doing so, Jessica was choosing option 1 from Wile’s list: She was dealing with the problem by attacking Kyle.
