by John Gottman
Understanding emotional command systems helps us to see that emotional processes are part of our evolutionary heritage. Our feelings are an integral part of the body’s nervous system. We don’t fabricate emotions merely to amuse and torment ourselves, or to manipulate other people. Rather, emotions are part of nature’s design to help the species survive. As human beings, we can make conscious choices about the way we interpret and express our feelings. But some of our emotional experience is involuntary—the result of an organic electrochemical process in our nervous system. Whether the systems we use to process emotional reactions are formed by the genetic material we’ve inherited, by our life experience, or by both, our emotions are partly the result of the way our brain and nervous system are physically wired.
By the same token, people may or may not have much control over the level of activation they need (or don’t need) within a particular emotional command system. If you’re born with a high need for activation in the Nest-Builder arena, for example, you may crave affiliation with others all your life, and be unsatisfied unless you have it. And no matter what you or others do to try to change that in you, such change may not be possible. The same might be true for another person when it comes to the Sentry, the Sensualist, and so on.
But through better understanding of our emotional command systems and how they affect us, we can bring about positive changes in our lives and in our relationships. We may be better able to recognize, for example, that ongoing conflicts with others may stem from discrepancies in our command systems. By identifying such discrepancies, we can find ways to accept them and work around them.
Evaluate Your Emotional Command Systems
On the following pages you’ll find a set of self-tests to help you assess your own comfort level within each of seven emotional command systems. You’ll also find questionnaires designed to test whether your current life experience is overstimulating you or understimulating you within each system.
Completing these tests may help you in three ways. It can:
1. Build your awareness of your own emotional needs. Your answers may shed light on why you’re attracted to certain people, activities, or subject matter—why you sometimes feel certain irrepressible longings or feel compelled to behave in certain ways. Better knowledge of your own comfort zone within each emotional command system may help in planning your leisure time, guiding your career, choosing friends, or finding a mate.
2. Improve your ability to make bids and respond to other people’s bids for connection. Instead of making bids in ways that are unconscious or ambiguous, you’ll be able to say, “I know what I need and I understand why I need it.”
3. Help you to better understand the people you’re close to. The exercise gives you a structured way to consider how others in your life are affected by their own emotional command systems, and how these effects may color your relationships with them.
Like the other exercises in this book, you can complete these questionnaires alone or you can invite your spouse, a friend, or a family member to complete them with you. Keep in mind that this exercise is very detailed and revealing. So, if you’re going to do it with another person, you’ll need a good level of trust to start with. If you choose to do it with someone, I encourage you to share your results with one another in a spirit of fun and adventure. After all, you’ll be learning new things about each other that may enhance your relationship and your life.
If you choose to do the exercise alone, you can still use it to do a partial evaluation of your relationship, simply by filling out the questionnaire for the other person, imagining how he or she might answer the questions.
Obviously, the first approach is best because it fosters communication, which is essential to building deeper, richer relationships. But the second way may also help, because it encourages you to imagine the world as that person experiences it. Either way, you may gain a better understanding of this person—an understanding that can lead to deeper empathy, tolerance, and acceptance.
Whether you decide to complete the questionnaires on your own or with another person, try to set aside about an hour of uninterrupted time to do so. And remember, there are no right answers, no norms to aim for. In fact, you may find that your answers change quite a bit as your lifestyle changes. Getting married, having a child, getting divorced, growing older—all these events can greatly influence how you activate various emotional command systems. Imagine that you’re studying a map to find your current location. Once you know where you are, you can choose the path you’d most like to pursue in the future. The journey includes discovering more about yourself and others so that you can improve your ability to bid and respond to bids for connection. At the end of this chapter you’ll have a chance to see how this new knowledge can be integrated into your bidding process.
The Commander-in-Chief System
To download a PDF of the following questionnaire, click here.
What’s your comfort level?
For each item, circle the alternative that best fits you.
SA = strongly agree
A = agree
N = neutral
D = disagree
SD = strongly disagree
1. Sometimes I enjoy a good fight.
2. I will not let anyone take what is rightfully mine.
3. I often feel righteously indignant.
4. I am relentless at accomplishing a goal.
5. If anything blocks my goal, I will become angry.
6. I know what to do to deal with frustration and get what I want.
7. I enjoy being assertive.
8. I become angry quite easily.
9. I feel comfortable in a commanding role.
10. If crossed, I become hot under the collar.
11. I easily become angry in traffic.
12. I sometimes enjoy getting angry.
13. I hate to wait, and easily become impatient.
14. I enjoy being powerful in a work group.
15. In a group, I have trouble not being in control.
16. I demand my rights when I have to.
17. I don’t usually back down when confronted with opposition.
18. I can imagine subduing someone who challenges my authority.
19. I enjoy a good debate for its own sake.
20. My goal in competition is to win.
21. I have trouble getting motivated for a task if I can’t beat someone at it.
22. I am a competitive person.
23. My interest in a job position increases if I learn that someone else wants it, too.
24. I consider doing well at work something of a conquest.
25. I like being the one in charge.
26. I hate having my word challenged.
27. I can be authoritarian at times.
28. I will usually fight to get what I want.
SCORING
SA = 2 points
A = 1 point
N = 0 points
D = –1 point
SD = –2 points
FOR THIS QUESTIONNAIRE
A score of 25 or above is high.
A score of 12 to 24 is medium.
A score of 11 or below is low.
Add to get your total Commander-in-Chief Comfort Level score: _____.
YOUR COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF COMFORT LEVEL SCORE
If you scored 12 or above, you’re most comfortable when your Commander-in-Chief system is activated in the high to medium range. This means that you like a powerful role; you’re comfortable with anger and assertiveness. You’re most at ease when the Commander-in-Chief in you is activated a lot.
If you scored 11 or below, you’re comfortable when your Commander-in-Chief system is fairly quiet. Most likely, you are comfortable being led. You don’t need to compete much, or be in charge. You are slow to anger.
Is your life in sync with your Commander-in-Chief system?
Next, evaluate your current experience with the Commander-in-Chief system by answering these questions. For e
ach item, circle the alternative that best fits you.
Part One
1. My current life does not provide me with enough opportunity to be in charge.
2. I am too controlled by others.
3. My authority is not really appreciated right now.
4. I don’t get much of a chance to be assertive right now.
5. I miss being able to have a good argument or debate.
6. Unfortunately, I keep suppressing my anger these days.
7. I am stifling my instincts of leadership these days.
8. I wish that I had a job with more power and responsibility.
9. I would like to get a chance to show people that I can be in command.
10. There is not enough of a chance for me to be effective and forceful in my life right now.
SCORING
SA = 2 points
A = 1 point
N = 0 points
D = –1 point
SD = –2 points
Add your score on Part One (items 1–10): _____.
Part Two
11. I don’t enjoy being domineering.
12. I don’t get much pleasure from bossing people around.
13. I wish I didn’t have to be so commanding.
14. I wish others would take more leadership than they do.
15. I resent having to be the one who organizes everything.
16. I am tired of being in charge all the time.
17. I don’t like having as much responsibility and control as I have to take.
Now add your score on Part Two (items 11–17): ____.
YOUR COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF CURRENT LIFE SCORE
On Part One (items 1–10), if you scored 6 or more, you feel that your current life understimulates your Commander-in-Chief system. You need a life that provides more opportunities to be in charge than your current situation does.
On Part Two (items 11–17), if you scored 4 or more on these items, your current life pushes you to be more of a Commander-in-Chief than you want to be.
If you scored below 6 on Part One and below 4 on Part Two, your current life is just right for your Commander-in-Chief system.
The Explorer System
To download a PDF of the following questionnaire, click here.
What’s your comfort level?
For each item, circle the alternative that best fits you.
SA = strongly agree
A = agree
N = neutral
D = disagree
SD = strongly disagree
1. I become excited about the prospect of learning something new.
2. I dislike the comfort of routines and usually welcome all changes.
3. I enjoy change for its own sake.
4. I become bored very easily.
5. I am often thrilled about the possibility of exploration and adventure.
6. I don’t like things in my life to be very predictable.
7. Life is a grand adventure for me.
8. I am curious about what’s just over that “next hill” in life.
9. I like to seek new stimulation.
10. I feel a thrill in mastering something new.
11. After doing the same thing for a while, I am anxious to move on.
12. I often want to visit new places and try new foods.
13. Once I master something, I hate for conditions to stay the same. I’m looking for something new to master.
14. At times, I find myself longing for new experiences.
15. I love surprises.
16. I love to travel.
17. I am curious about many things I don’t know about.
18. I generally feel comfortable traveling. Travel for me is a pleasant experience.
SCORING
SA = 2 points
A = 1 point
N = 0 points
D = –1 point
SD = –2 points
FOR THIS QUESTIONNAIRE
A score of 20 or above is high.
A score of 12 to 19 is medium.
A score of 11 or below is low.
Add to get your total Explorer Comfort Level score: ____.
YOUR EXPLORER COMFORT LEVEL SCORE
If you scored 12 or above, your comfort level in the Explorer system is in the medium to high range. This means that you like a lot of discovery, adventure, and new experiences in your life. You’re most at ease when the Explorer in you is activated a lot.
If you scored 11 or below, you prefer predictability. You dislike change and don’t require a great deal of adventure and new stimulation in your life. You are generally content with the way things are and enjoy routine. You are not much of an Explorer right now. You’re most at ease when the Explorer in you is fairly quiet.
Is your life in sync with your Explorer system?
Next, evaluate your current experience with the Explorer system by answering these questions.
1. My current life does not provide me with enough stimulation, newness, or adventure.
2. My current life provides me with too much routine.
3. I find a lot in my life to be the same old thing and I am tired of it.
4. There is not enough stimulation in my life for me.
5. I think life moves at too slow a pace.
6. I am bored a lot right now.
7. I wish the pace of my life would speed up for a while and I could see more changes.
8. I wish my life was less predictable.
9. I yearn for more adventure.
10. There are far too few surprises in my life.
SCORING
SA = 2 points
A = 1 point
N = 0 points
D = –1 point
SD = –2 points
Add to get your total Explorer Current Life score: ____.
YOUR EXPLORER CURRENT LIFE SCORE
If you scored above 5, you feel that your current life understimulates your Explorer system. You need a life that gratifies the Explorer in you more than it does.
If you scored between –9 and 4, you feel that your current life is just right for stimulating your Explorer system.
If you scored below –10, you feel that your current life overstimulates your Explorer system. Your current life pushes you to be more of an Explorer than you want to be.
The Sentry System
To download a PDF of the following questionnaire, click here.
What’s your comfort level?
For each item, circle the alternative that best fits you.
SA = strongly agree
A = agree
N = neutral
D = disagree
SD = strongly disagree
1. It is easy to become a victim if you aren’t vigilant.
2. I treat the world as if it were a dangerous place.
3. I see part of my role as making sure my loved ones are safe.
4. I rarely feel totally safe myself.
5. I try hard to avoid unpleasant surprises and shocks.
6. I believe that a little bit of forethought can avoid disasters.
7. I tend to look for potential danger in ordinary situations.
8. I have a hard time relaxing.
9. I tend to worry about the future.
10. I hate being startled.
11. Some seemingly normal situations can make me apprehensive, for good reason.
12. I think of myself as a protector of others.
13. Sometimes I can become a bit nervous or on edge.
14. I am anxious in some social situations.
15. I can sense trouble brewing before other people can.
16. I work hard to create a safe environment for myself and for people close to me.
17. It is important to me that my work environment creates very little anxiety.
18. I like to stay in control of things to avoid unpleasant surprises.
19. I make myself stay vigilant so that I can be aware of potential trouble.
20. I tend to be a worrier.
<
br /> 21. I dislike being alarmed.
22. I am easily frightened.
23. I can become panicky when things are not in order.
24. I think of myself as a kind of guard or sentry for myself and the people close to me.
SCORING
SA = 2 points
A = 1 point
N = 0 points
D = –1 point
SD = –2 points
FOR THIS QUESTIONNAIRE
A score of 20 or above is high.
A score of 12 to 19 is medium.
A score of 11 or below is low.
Add to get your total Sentry Comfort Level score: ____.
YOUR SENTRY COMFORT LEVEL SCORE
If you scored 10 or above, your comfort level in the Sentry system is in the medium to high range. This means that you like the role of a Sentry; you are comfortable being vigilant for danger. You’re most at ease when your Sentry is activated a lot.
If you scored below 10, you tend to stay carefree and relaxed. You’re slow to become apprehensive. You are not into being much of a Sentry right now. You’re most at ease when your Sentry is fairly quiet.
Is your life in sync with your Sentry system?
Next, evaluate your current experience with the Sentry system by answering these questions.
