by Shae Banks
He wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed my cheek. “I don’t want you to.”
I wanted to stay here with him. I wanted to spend as much time with him as I could, but I didn’t have the courage to say it. I’d learned too many hard lessons to risk opening myself up again. Especially not to him. “I wrote my number on the pad on your night stand. I finish work at five.”
“I know. It’s already in my phone.” His breath was hot on the shell of my ear, and I had to try hard not to melt against him. I was both relieved and bereft when he stepped away, my back growing cold in his absence. “Come on. I’ll walk down with you. I’ve got a busy day myself.”
He took my hand and led me out, grabbing my bag from the unit as we passed. It was odd, but I completely relaxed walking hand in hand with him to the lift. Like this was where I was meant to be. It wasn’t true. It wasn’t real. It wasn’t anything but what it was. My one-night stand walking me to my car to spare me the walk of shame.
When we were locked inside the lift, he turned to look at me. “Thank you.”
“For what?”
“Agreeing to see me. I know it must have been... well, hard, but I meant what I said. I do want to make it up to you. And not… well, you staying the night wasn’t part of the plan. I wanted to… It wasn’t supposed to end up looking like apology sex.”
In my head, I was saying he didn’t have to. That it was fine. That I hadn’t thought last night was about an apology. To go back to his life and forget me like he did before. But what came out of my mouth was, “I’m looking forward to it.”
I speed walked from my car into the office. I should have run, but I didn’t want to draw even more attention to myself. I was surprised to see two blokes in suits sitting on the same chairs I’d sat on when I was waiting for my interview, and wracked my brain to remember what was scheduled for that morning.
“You’re—”
“Thanks, Chantal,” I snapped as I passed, trying to flash a smile at the two waiting interviewees.
I went straight to my desk and turned on the computer, then rushed into the small kitchen to make myself a cup of coffee. I’d missed breakfast and there was no way I could work without caffeine. I considered calling in to Tony’s office before I started, but thought better of it. While my absence would be reported, I didn’t really want to have to give a reason as to why I was so late. I hadn’t had time to think up a suitable excuse and there was no way I was telling him the truth.
Just as I reached my desk, mug in shaking hand, his office door opened, and he stepped out. “Nathalie. Is everything all right?”
My face flushed. “Yeah, umm, I overslept. I’m so sorry, Tony, I’ll make up the time.”
He watched me sit down, and then he bent over so the others couldn’t see his face. “Tell you what,” he said with a cheeky smile, “go and grab some sandwiches for lunch at eleven thirty and we’ll call it covered.”
I nodded and beamed gratefully. “Anything specific?”
“Ham salad should be fine. Two please, with cokes.”
He straightened, and I noticed he’d left a twenty-pound note on my desk as he turned to greet the first in the line for an interview. With a quiet breath out, I steadied my nerves and started to work my way through the day’s emails. It could have gone much worse.
I could feel eyes on me, but I didn’t turn around and start explaining myself. I didn’t answer to any of them. I didn’t fully understand how I’d gotten off so lightly, except Tony did seem like a decent bloke and people screwed up now and then.
The minutes ticked by until it was time for me to leave. It wasn’t far to the bakery, and it gave me the opportunity to grab something to eat. I stuffed a roll down in the car before rushing in to deliver Tony his sandwiches, intending to work through my official break to make up the time I’d missed in the morning.
“I got a receipt, and here’s your change,” I said, holding out my right hand while depositing a plastic bag on his desk. “I’m just going to work through lunch, so those emails all go out on time, and I get on with the extra invoices Cara sent for me.”
He didn’t get up, but took his change and nodded to the seat opposite him. “There’s no need, Nathalie, have a break. This is Jason, one of the other partners. He designed and patented the filtration system and the sealing technology we use here. Jason, this is Nathalie.”
I hadn’t noticed him sitting there. I’d been so focused on Tony, on making up for my tardiness that morning, that I hadn’t considered there’d be anyone else with him in his office. Or why he’d asked for two sandwiches.
Turning to my other boss, I smiled. He was wearing a blue polo shirt with the company logo on his right pec and a pair of dark blue work trousers. “Hi. It’s lovely to…”
His eyes were wide, lips slightly parted in a look of shock. He couldn’t have been any more shocked than I was, but it was close enough.
“Y-you… why… Excuse me…”
I was out of that office like a shot. Everyone else had left for lunch, and I made my way to the staff toilet. The door was almost shut when a booted foot was wedged in between.
“Nat, listen.”
“Move your foot, Jase, or so help me I’ll slap you.”
“I didn’t know you worked here. How would I have known that?”
“It’s your fucking company,” I hissed, leaning against the door.
“I don’t run this office. I’m only here to interview new engineers. Honestly, I didn’t know you worked here. You weren’t here when I arrived, were you?”
I clenched my teeth and leaned harder against the door, but his steel toe capped boots weren’t giving. “No. Because you made me late.”
The door was shoved open a fraction and his foot withdrew. My body weight pushing on the door caused it to slam, and I fumbled with the lock. When it was finally secure, I leaned my hands against it and closed my eyes.
His voice came through the door, and I stepped back. “I’ll wait outside for you after work. Let me take you for a drink and talk this through. Please.”
I shook my head. How was I supposed to spend four and a half hours in this building knowing he was here and concentrate on work? “No.”
“I promise you, I didn’t know.”
I opened the door and stepped out. “Is that why he was okay with me being late? Did you tell him you nailed his receptionist, and she was running home to get changed?”
He was smirking. I was getting annoyed as he said, “No. I left him sitting there looking confused while I chased after you. He’s probably coming up with all sorts of mad theories, waiting for me to get back and tell him why I’ve pissed off his Business Administrator.”
“I don’t believe this,” I muttered, rubbing my index finger over my forehead.
Not looking for permission, he stepped up close and said, “I’ll be outside at five. Mine’s the white car.”
His body was almost touching mine as he looked down at me for a moment.
I didn’t say anything. I just stood there, longing to lean into him, feel his arms around me, to ease the anxiety. But I couldn’t. If I let him in, if I relied on him for comfort, I’d be a step closer to falling into the trap. I couldn’t be sure if I hadn’t already, but I didn’t move, and I watched him walk out, back toward Tony’s, no, their office, then locked myself back in the toilet.
“Shit…”
I looked at myself in the mirror. I looked awful. No makeup. Wearing my Ugg boots, leggings, and a long shirt. My hair was pulled up on top of my head in a messy bun.
“Fuck him. Fuck this.”
I was calm and collected when I returned to my desk with coffee. Over the course of the afternoon, people came and went, but I didn’t look up from my screen. I didn’t move from my seat until everyone except Tony was gone. He didn’t bother me, I assumed saving me the embarrassment of that conversation. But by that time, the anger had long since burned out and the shock had worn off. All that was left was a heavy feeling in the pit
of my stomach. Jason was waiting for me. I had to face him. I had to listen to whatever bullshit excuse he was going to give me, if only to try and smooth it over for work. I knew what was coming. “I didn’t know, Nathalie,” and “I don’t come to this office often.”
But how could he not know?
Was that why he was there that first night? Had he set it all up? Had he read my resume and influenced it all?
I’d have to face him.
It was almost five thirty when I walked out the front door. Three cars were in the carpark. My little three door hatch, Tony’s black Audi RS, and a gleaming white BMW i8 with a light blue trim. While I was impressed, I walked toward the thing shaking my head, and he started the engine. I jumped at the sound, not expecting the roar as he revved it, I assumed telling me to hurry up.
I swallowed the bile rising in my throat as I approached, walking around the thing like it was going to bite me. When I finally got in, I took my time closing the door. “This is your car?”
“I treated myself for my birthday.”
I didn’t look at him, but I could hear the smile in his voice. “Where are we going?”
“I told you, I want to have a drink and explain.”
I looked out the window as we passed a fast food drive-through. “Could do that there.”
“I’m not doing this in public, Nathalie.”
The knot tightened in my stomach. “I don’t want to—”
He hit the brakes, and I leaned forward heavily in my seat, the belt cutting into my neck, and looked at him wide-eyed. “Jason! You can’t stop in the middle—”
“Why are you frightened?” he demanded, gripping the steering wheel, staring at me.
“I–I’m not.”
His voice softened. “Nat… I hear it in your voice. I can see it on your face. Why are you frightened of me?”
“I…” A car horn sounded behind us while my head swam with thoughts. Part of me wanted to scream it at him, but the overriding part, the inner voice that told me not to trust anyone, to never let anyone in because of what they’d do to me, took over. “Just drive. You’re causing a scene.”
I tried not to show my terror, but the way he pulled away, slowly, suggested I had failed miserably. I didn’t need the questions he was obviously going to ask. I didn’t know how to give him the answers without ending up a crying mess.
Chapter Eight
The room was pristine. No hint of the state we’d left it in that morning. He allowed me inside first, closing the door softly behind him before opening a minibar I hadn’t noticed and taking out a lager. “Want one?”
I shook my head and looked around. There was a sofa by the window, a chair by the dresser. I tried not to look at the bed. I couldn’t think about how happy I’d been earlier when all I could concentrate on was the disappointment. He’d set me up. He’d given me a job and lured me into bed, I was certain. Growing angry at myself for not working it out, I wanted to get out of here as soon as possible. “Go on, out with it then.”
I watched him for a second. He looked conflicted. I expected him to start asking awkward questions, and my heart raced at the prospect of answering them. I wasn’t ready.
“Please, sit down.”
I raised my eyebrows as he tipped the bottle in the direction of the sofa.
“Or stand there and glower at me, whatever.” He took a swig of his drink. “I’ve only been to the office up here four times,” he began. “I come to interview engineers since I’m the engineering guy, to clean up if I worked nearby, or to drop off equipment. I don’t have anything to do with hiring admin staff, that’s Cara’s job. Tony handles the general business side of things, Rich deals with the samples. I’m based down in Cambridgeshire.” He pointed at the window. “I knew there was a new member on the admin team, I knew Cara came up to interview you. I didn’t read your application or even get your name because it’s not what I deal with. I had no idea you worked for the company.”
“You,” I corrected. “I work for you.”
He shook his head and sighed. “I only own a quarter of the company, none of us solely employs anyone. More to the point, I don’t give a shit who works in the offices if the paperwork gets done. With that in mind, I don’t want this to come between us.”
“I didn’t know there was an ‘us.’ Regardless, I can’t see you anymore.” It was out of my mouth before the tears could form in my eyes. He was shaking his head as I continued, “I can’t sleep with my boss. It was complicated enough without this, Jase. I can’t…”
The tears fell. I wasn’t sure why I was crying. Disappointment? Shame? Anger at myself for letting it happen in the first place? All the above, with a healthy dose of concern over how it would look, was probably a fair assessment. But the overriding emotion was fear. I thought I was masking that one well.
“What are you so scared of?”
My heart stopped. “I… I’m not.”
He put the bottle down and walked toward me. “Nat, you’re scared. I told you I can see it in your eyes, your body language, even hear it your voice. I know I hurt you, and I promised to make it up to you, but I can’t do that if you won’t tell me the truth, and if you’re going to push me away.”
I was frozen. My head was a myriad of thoughts, my body tingling with the mix of emotional responses I was having, and it was all too much. I was still crying. There were only inches between us, and I lowered my eyes, focusing on my hands as I picked at my fingernails.
“Look at me.”
I shook my head.
“I’m trying to make up for what I did. I want to… You finally let me in, Nat, and… I can’t get this right if you won’t tell me what I’m doing wrong.”
I wanted to. I wanted to look him in the eyes and tell him what had happened. What I needed, everything I wanted, but the fear of what he could do to me was crushing. My hands were trembling, the tears were streaming silently down my face, and I couldn’t look up.
He stepped away, backing right up to the vanity. I watched his feet, wondering what he was doing, then his voice broke the tense silence that filled the room. “I’m not keeping you here. If you want to leave, please.” I managed to lift my chin and saw him raise a hand and gesture to the door. “I wanted to talk. I wanted to make this right, but I don’t want to scare you. The one thing I never wanted to do was hurt you again, but that’s what seems to be happening. I can drive you home or get the reception staff to call you a taxi and charge it to me. I won’t be back here for a few weeks. I’ll give you a heads up when I have to be in town and stay out of your way when I’m at the office.”
Swallowing, I crossed the room and made for the door. He didn’t speak. I kept my eyes focused on the light wood. On the silver handle. On getting out of this room.
Once I was out of here I could go back to my life. Go back to a world without Jason Locksley. Without wondering when he would vanish. When he would drop me. I was safer on my own. I could live through any physical pain, that was easy enough, but the cracks were still there from the emotional damage I’d lived through, and I knew I couldn’t get through it again. He could break me without even trying.
But he was the only person who had come close to fixing me.
I could be myself when I was with him. He made me happy. It had been brief, but it had been real. I believed him when he said it wasn’t apology sex. I believed him when he said he wanted to try and make it up to me. I wanted to believe he was a good guy.
I reached for the door handle but stopped. The world had been just a little bit brighter when I walked out of that hotel less than nine hours before.
I had a snap decision to make.
“I’m not frightened of you, Jason. Not the way you think.”
He didn’t say anything. I turned and leaned against the door. His face was a mask of calm, but his eyes… He was ready to let me walk away. I knew I had to give him something. He needed to hear more than what I’d given him so far. He deserved to hear the truth, however ugly it w
as.
“When you went—” My voice hitched, and I blinked back tears, trying to compose myself. The strength had come from somewhere, and I was clinging to it. “When you left. No explanation. I was here thinking something awful had happened to you. I went to your mum’s house, and she wasn’t in. Your phone just rang out. None of your mates would speak to me. Nobody would tell me where you were. It was two weeks before I finally got a hold of Jackie, and she told me you’d gone to university and wouldn’t be back. The next week her house was for sale.”
He hung his head. “I thought the distance would—”
“It didn’t matter what you thought. You didn’t tell me. So, I brushed myself off and went to college. That’s all I did. It took Haylie six months to get me out of the house. When she finally managed it, I got wasted and fell into the first pair of arms that wanted me. I didn’t know he didn’t really love me. You claimed to have loved me and you left. He stayed. I thought it was proof. I thought it was enough.”
“I’m—”
“Don’t apologize. It wasn’t your fault. You asked, I’m telling you what happened and why I’m… Why I’m the way I am. I can’t go through the pain again. I can’t live knowing I’m not good enough to be… I’d rather be on my own than live through it again. Does that make sense?”
He nodded his head. “I didn’t know what to do. I was going away. I had to go to uni. I didn’t want to leave you, but I didn’t know how often I could come back. I was going to hurt you regardless and didn’t know how to handle it, so I ran away from it.”
It wasn’t what I wanted to hear, but I could tell it was the truth.
“That’s how I know leaving right now won’t fix anything, Nat. I promise you I didn’t know you worked for us. I’d have told you I co-owned the company if I had.”
“Why didn’t you tell me anyway?”
“That I own one of the fastest growing companies in the country? I’ve done all right, Nat, but I don’t like… Well, I don’t shout about it because money attracts the wrong sort of attention.”
