by Chloe James
‘The thing is, I sent an email to your mother’s Italian teacher – and it took her ages to write it as well, because it was partly in Italian.’ Oh no, this just gets worse. ‘I wrote it all out for her, not the Italian, she managed to type that in, although it kept autocorrecting the Italian words to English.’
‘I suppose it would,’ I say, then add without thinking: ‘You need to change the settings to autocorrect Italian … but then it would struggle and keep autocorrecting the English.’
‘How do I do that?’ asks Dad enthusiastically. ‘I’m sure I can give it a go.’
‘I think we’d better leave that for now,’ I say hastily, ‘and have a try at that when you’re more advanced. First of all, where’s the email?’
‘I sent it.’
‘Well that’s what you wanted, isn’t it?’
‘No, not really because there’s now an email saying “message undeliverable”.’
‘Oh, so it hasn’t gone.’
‘No presumably not.’ I can hear a whole lot of talking in the background – my mum is obviously really stressed out about the whereabouts of her email.
‘I think it would be best if you write it again,’ I start.
‘Sorry, your mother’s talking at the same time. I can’t hear you.
‘Can you write it again dear?’ I hear my mum getting agitated now. ‘Your mother spent hours writing that email,’ Dad adds gloomily.
‘We’ll find it. I know, I’ll FaceTime you.’
‘How do you do that?’
I count to ten before I reply. ‘We’ve done it before. Put the phone down and pick up when I call you on the FaceTime App.’
He does actually manage to accept the call, but all I can see is their kitchen ceiling. It’s strangely nostalgic, seeing the yellow swirly plaster and a homely looking little cobweb in the corner, along with the resident spider my dad calls Horace.
‘Hi, Dad?’
‘I can hear you but I can’t see you,’ he says.
‘Yeah that’s because the phone’s pointed at the ceiling. I can see Horace but not you.’
‘No that isn’t Horace, he left; felt a need for further social distancing. This is his son Harry.’
‘Oh right.’ I can’t believe we are discussing the spiders who live on my parents’ ceiling. ‘Yep okay, turn your phone round so the screen is facing you.’ The image spins around and shows me the floor and the dog, Max.
‘Hi Max,’ I say, pleased to see him. He wags his frondy tail and then runs to the door and scratches it with his paw, obviously expecting me to arrive. Even the dog’s confused. ‘Dad, can you hear me?’ I try.
‘Yes,’ he says, but he sounds distant. I now have a close-up of his ear.
‘Dad – you need to hold it out in front of you. Yes that’s it.’ I can now see him. He looks well, I’m relieved to see. ‘Now I can see you.’
‘Good grief; what on earth have you done to yourself?’
My hand involuntarily goes to the tufty half of my head. ‘Shaving malfunction.’
‘You should borrow mine. Don’t want one of these new-fangled things.’
‘Very kind but Sam’s ordered me a new one.’
‘Thank goodness someone’s got some sense. Reminds me of that time your mother decided I should cut your hair because we hadn’t had a chance to take you to the barber’s.’ He studies me on the screen. ‘I suppose it’s got a certain je ne sais quoi.’
‘Yeah ha-ha.’ I start to try to explain how he can show me the computer, so that we can end this madness, when the line goes dead. I decide to take the opportunity to check if Sophia’s outside with the shopping. I’m on my way to the door when the phone goes again. I ignore it. I can phone him back in a second. But now the landline is going too. Oh, for goodness’ sake.
I answer the landline, thinking it could be the hospital. ‘There you are! Your mother was worried.’
‘But I was only talking to you a moment ago,’ I protest. ‘Why were you ringing my mobile as well?’
‘That was your mother. We thought if we both phoned you, you’d have to answer one of them.’
My parents. I love them, but honestly they are a nightmare. I painstakingly sort out the problem with the email and Dad manages to send it to the right address, thus ending a simple issue that just swallowed ten minutes of both our lives.
As soon as we’re done, I rush to the door, hoping Sophia hasn’t dropped the shopping yet. How ironic. I’ve gone from desperately wanting food at all costs, to hoping it isn’t there because I want to catch a glimpse of the girl I’ve been talking to. Just to put a face to a name, of course. Weird, but right now company has become more important than food. It’s just nice to have someone to talk to, other than Sam and my parents, that is. There’s nothing more to it than that. I’ve also hidden my extremely dodgy haircut under a beanie. I really can’t face Sophia seeing how bad it looks in reality.
Holding my breath, I open the door to see three bags full of shopping. I sigh and wander back into the flat for my attractive plastic gloves before returning suitably armed to bring the shopping in. The door downstairs squeaks provocatively and I wait a moment, ever hopeful, but the silence confirms no one is coming up. I must have just missed her.
Later, having checked the balcony a few times, I hear Sophia downstairs laughing at something and I peer over, in case she is on her way out for one of our now-regular evening chats. ‘Hello?’ I call softly.
There’s no reply but I can still hear Sophia talking so I assume she must be with Erica. I’d like to thank her for doing the shopping. She’s even included Haribo Starmix, which I didn’t order, but she knows I really like. I wonder if she might like to try the new cocktail I’ve been working on, as a thank you, and I hover around in the hope she appears.
Then I remember – she said tonight was her date with that guy. Ben, I think his name was. I wonder how it’s going. Not that it matters; it’s just that I’d really like her to meet someone nice. She deserves it, and it doesn’t sound as though she has had much luck with guys. I also get the impression the guy she broke up with after a long-term relationship really hurt her, though she noticeably hasn’t talked about him at all.
I can just make out a couple of words. She’s doing that thing people do on Zoom where they semi-shout, as though it somehow helps the other person hear what you’re trying to say over long distance. She sounds really happy and bubbly and even though we’ve had a lot of fun during our evening chats, I don’t think I’ve ever made her laugh like that.
Perhaps I’ll just go back inside. I feel awkward hanging around now. Dates are private things and it’s none of my business. He had better be a good one though. I hope he realises how lucky he is.
Chapter 11
Sophia
‘Soph?’
‘Hi, Jess, did you get my messages?’
‘Well yes, but I couldn’t make head or tail of half of them. You were laughing so much.’
‘I think I was getting hysterical by then.’
‘It went well with Ben then? I told you, he’s a great guy.’
I pause. ‘Didn’t you hear any of my messages?’
‘Well I heard something about someone at the door, and a takeaway, but that was about it.’
‘Oh my God. Well in that case, I’m going to have to give you the whole story from the beginning. I am telling you now, this guy – even though he was up against a good deal of competition – has managed to bag the award for World’s Worst Date.’
‘What? I don’t believe it, he can’t have. He’s really lovely. And anyway,’ Jess adds as an afterthought, ‘no one can be worse than Fossil Guy.’
‘He was. He quite simply cast Fossil Guy and even Pervert Pete into the shade.’
‘You’re having me on.’ Jess sounds genuinely perplexed. ‘He’s one of the nicest men I’ve ever met.’
‘Wait ’til you hear this then. He FaceTimed earlier today and was really nice, said he’s been your colleague for some time now
and liked the sound of me when you were talking about our family.’
‘I told you – he’s really nice.’
‘Nice? He’s good-looking, I’ll give him that – nice jawline. Anyway, we got chatting about our favourite foods and stuff and how he’s into the beach and late-night picnics and it was going really well.’
‘Sounds perfect,’ Jess says, still desperately clinging to hope.
‘Then he told me about his last trip skiing in Switzerland.’
‘Uh-huh, I told you, he’s a catch.’ My sister seems to have forgotten how this will end already.
‘Mm. It all sounded very nice, although the only time I’ve got on any skis, at the dry slope, I fell straight on my behind.’
‘I’ll admit you weren’t a natural.’ We had gone for Jess’s thirtieth and it had been enjoyable, apart from the skiing, at which I was a total disaster area.
‘No, I wasn’t. I think ice skating is more my thing.’
‘Maybe,’ she snorts. ‘Anyway, what happened next?’
‘Well he was in the middle of telling me about the après ski in Zermatt, when he broke off and said, “Oh sorry, my Indian’s just arrived”.’
‘That’s fair enough,’ Jess exclaims, as if this is my only objection to Ben. ‘He was probably hungry.’
‘I get that, but he cut me off.’
‘What do you mean, cut you off?’
‘Literally one minute he was there and next he’d gone.’
‘Maybe you lost signal.’
‘I would have thought that, but then he sent me this text saying, “Sorry babe had to go”.’
‘That’s okay then.’
‘Babe – I mean, please? I hardly know him.’
‘Your problem is that you’re far too uptight,’ Jells tells me, seizing on what she believes is his only crime.
I let it go. ‘I thought it was weird so I gave it half an hour or so for him to eat his Indian and then I FaceTimed him back.’
‘Ooh, bit keen, but understandable. He is fit.’
‘Jess, you are a soon-to-be-married woman.’
‘I know, but I’m not about to take the veil.’ She smirks.
‘Okay, fair enough. Anyway, I messaged him and he cut me off several times.’
‘Maybe he was still eating his takeaway.’
‘That’s what I thought … so I phoned him again half an hour later.’
‘Soph, that’s really embarrassing. You’re turning into a complete stalker.’
‘No, I just had intuition. He picks up and whispers “hi”, then goes running into the bathroom. I could see the sink and toilet.’
‘Bit unusual.’
‘Yeah and the tiles were horrible, orange and black. He was acting really oddly and was sat talking to me on the loo.’
‘What, he was on the loo?’
‘Just sitting on it fully clothed,’ I reassure her. ‘He wasn’t actually using it. He wasn’t a total psycho.’
‘Glad to hear it. Maybe there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation for it, like he’s got a nosy flatmate or something, so he went in to bathroom for privacy.’
‘Funny you should say that, because he has got a flatmate. I could see all her things strewn around the bathroom: perfume, hair mousse and her pink razor.’
‘She could just be a friend.’ Jess tuts. ‘You’re always so paranoid.’
‘Yeah that’s what I thought, until he suddenly says, “Just a minute, babe,” to me, then I hear him shout, “I’ll be out in a mo, just finding you a surprise; make sure you’re ready for me”.’
‘Okay … that is kind of weird, but maybe it was some kind of joke. I can ask him about it at work.’
‘I wouldn’t do that,’ I say quickly. ‘I would have thought it was a joke too, but then he adds, “Make sure you wear the black and red thong. Benny’s getting down and dirty tonight”.’
For once, Jess is completely silent at the other end of the line. ‘What?’ she says after a moment.
‘Yeah quite.’ I start giggling. I really can’t help it.
‘Benny?’
‘Yep, Benny!’ This time we both dissolve into laughter.
‘What did you say? Did he get back on the phone to you?’ splutters Jess.
I can barely answer – I’m nearly crying with laughter. ‘Yep, he came back on, and he must have taken one look at my expression – you know I can never hide what I’m feeling.’
‘No, you can’t. I can always read you like a book.’
‘And he went, “You just heard that, didn’t you?” I just said, “Maybe next time you should make sure you’ve pressed mute before you call out your sex plans to your girlfriend in front of another girl you’re trying to chat up”.’
Jess chuckles. ‘Oh my, I am not going to let him live this down at work. Benny. What a complete moron.’
‘I’m good at finding those.’
‘I found this one for you,’ Jess admits. ‘I am so sorry.’
‘Maybe just give up the whole matchmaking thing?’ I ask, seeing my opportunity and seizing it with both hands.
‘Okay I will.’
Thank goodness, at least the message is finally getting through.
‘Although there’s Ollie – he’s a mate of Zach’s. He’s really nice, and he’s coming to the wedding. It would be really nice for you to have a virtual wedding date on the day.’
Oh, for goodness’ sake.
Chapter 12
Jack
Nothing feels right today at all. Worse than that, it all feels completely wrong. Even the arrival of a new shaver in the post doesn’t cheer me up. Having carried out the usual rigmarole of opening the parcel with gloves and using disinfectant wipes on the shaver (let’s hope it still works in spite of this), I’m ready to rumble. I’ve given up with watching YouTube. Today I’m going to wing it. After all, it’s only hair and it surely it can’t look any worse than it already does.
Without further ado, I trim across the shaggy offending part of my hair and soon it looks reasonably similar to the other side. Sort of. Near enough, anyway. It doesn’t matter in any case. No one’s going to see it.
Dua Lipa bursts out on my phone. I’m going to have to change that ring tone – it’s getting on my nerves now. It’s Sam.
‘Hi, mate, you all right?’
‘Yeah,’ I grunt.
‘Oh my, you’re like Austin Powers when his mojo gets stolen by Dr Evil.’
‘Ha blimmin’ ha.’
‘Seriously, what’s up? Your hair does look better by the way, not half so scary. The shaver turned up then?’
‘Yeah it did, thanks. I’m sorry I don’t mean to be grouchy. I just feel a bit crap today.’
‘We all get off days. You need to speak to your favourite niece.’ He gets up and reaches over to the pink lacy crib I can see in the background and lifts out little Carrie, looking rosy and snug in a fluffy pink rabbit romper suit.
‘It fits then?’ I ask.
‘Yeah she loves it. You have surprisingly good taste considering you don’t know any kids.’
‘Hello, Carrie,’ I say. ‘Is your daddy being rude about Uncle Jack?’
She is an alert little baby. Her slate, bluey-grey eyes peer at the phone with surprising intensity. ‘Wow, she is so with it,’ I say.
‘Of course, she’s just like her mummy; nothing gets past her. Anyway come on, out with it, what’s up?’
‘It’s Sophia,’ I say, surprising myself because I haven’t been able to admit even to myself exactly why I’m feeling so fed up.
‘Who?’ He wipes up some dribble from the corner or Carrie’s mouth with a pink cloth. Everything is pink in his house at the moment. ‘Oh, the girl downstairs.’
‘Yes, that’s the one.’
‘But you haven’t even met; you can’t be stressing about her surely? I thought you had forsworn all women in any case, after the last one.’
‘It’s crept up on me.’
‘The girl downstairs?’
‘Ha
-ha, no these feelings I s’pose. We’ve been talking a lot.’
‘At a distance, I hope.’
‘Yes,’ I snap, and instantly feel bad for it. ‘We’ve just been chatting over the balcony.’
‘It’s flipping Romeo and Juliet.’ He puts on a mock high, fluting voice. ‘“But soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east and Juliet is the sun”!’
‘I didn’t think you knew any Shakespeare,’ I retort.
‘It’s Tina – she made me watch the version with Leonardo DiCaprio about ten times. She’s got a real thing about him. And I did Macbeth at school. It was much better; everyone was murdered.’
‘Cheerful. Anyway, we haven’t been serenading each other from the balcony. She’s much more real than that. But yesterday evening she went on this virtual date.’
‘Who goes on virtual dates?’
‘I s’pose lots of people do during a lockdown.’
‘Maybe you should consider it, now you’ve sorted your hair out.’
‘I don’t need a date. I can’t cope with it, not after Laura. I thought I gave her what she wanted, but I just made her miserable instead. I’d rather steer clear. Besides, I’m obviously not suited to making any girl happy at the moment. Look at me, stuck in, because of my cruddy health condition – no social life, nothing. I’m a total wreck. I don’t want to be feeling like this about anyone.’
‘But?’
‘I just do. We’ve been chatting each evening and I’ve lowered down some Old-Fashioneds and she’s sent me up some cakes.’
‘No wonder you like her – the way to your heart is definitely through your stomach.’
‘And she’s been doing my shopping.’
‘She’s obviously very kind. It’s no surprise you’re thinking you’re falling for her. You’re bound to feel a bit strange when you’re stuck in all the time and then this nice kind girl comes along, sorts your food out, talks to you in the evenings when you’re bored. It’s the whole being-rescued thing. Don’t worry about it. Once you’re back out in the real world again, you’ll look back on this little episode and laugh.’
‘It’s not like that,’ I say, shaking my head. ‘She’s different.’
