by Sarah Dreher
Esther went to her bureau drawer and retrieved it.
“What are you planning?" Clara asked suspiciously.
"You don't want to know," Stoner said.
"Breaking and entering is illegal, you realize."
"I'm not going to break, I'm only going to enter."
"Well, watch your step," Clara said. "In police work, impulsivity can be your worst enemy."
Esther snorted. "You should know, dear. They didn't call you Officer Leap Before You Look for nothing."
Stoner wasn't in the mood. Not for arguments, not for humor. She took the key and left.
Sherry's room was at the end of the hall. Stoner rammed the key in the lock and turned it. The door opened.
She stepped inside. Looked around.
Going to the bureau, she pulled out one drawer after another. Carefully, she pawed through the contents.
She didn't know what she was looking for. Nothing. Everything. It didn't matter. She wanted to invade Sherry's life the way Sherry had invaded hers.
The dresser yielded nothing. She tried the desk. Papers, writing materials. A set of small keys that looked as if they went to lock boxes. Probably has stacks of them, Stoner thought, all holding love letters from admirers. Trophies from couples she'd destroyed, friendships she'd broken up.
She'd like to find those boxes. She was willing to bet she'd know a lot more about the elegant Ms. Dodder if she did.
She started to pocket the keys. A shadow fell across the desk blotter.
In a panic, she looked up.
There was no one there.
She slipped out into the hall. The housekeeper was just disappearing into the broom closet.
It would serve her right if she'd been caught, she thought, her heart still pounding. Letting her emotions run away with her. Letting herself grow careless.
And taking the keys would be the ultimate act of carelessness. She still had to catch Sherry in the act. It wouldn't do to give away her suspicions before hand. And if Sherry discovered the keys were gone, the first thing she'd do would be to get rid of those boxes, wherever they were. She put the keys back into the drawer and hoped she'd returned them the way she'd found them.
The closet was next. But it, too, was unrevealing. She'd seen some of the clothes that were hanging there. And some of the shoes. There was a suitcase on a shelf next to a pile of three sweaters. The suitcase was empty. Other than that, there was nothing.
Stoner gazed around the room. It looked pretty much like the other guest rooms, except for the desk. In fact, it was as undecorated as the other rooms. Odd, since this was Sherry's home. She'd expect to see pictures, maybe posters, personal knick-knacks or souvenirs stashed here and there. Stoner couldn't spend two consecutive days in a motel room without personalizing it in some way.
Maybe Sherry kept it like this on purpose, in case there was an overflow and she needed to use the room for guests.
So there must be another room. One where she kept her individual things.
As she was about to leave, she hesitated. Something told her those keys... or whatever they unlocked… could be important. They were the only vaguely personal things in the room. It must mean something.
She took the keys and slipped them in her pocket.
As she eased out into the hall and closed the door behind her carefully, she realized it was time to do something she dreaded with all her heart.
It was time to go confront Gwen.
They reached the living room at the same time. Gwen looked tired, a little gray around the edges.
Long night? Stoner wondered with a touch of bitterness. Or guilt, maybe.
Gwen saw her, and her face lit up. She ran forward and threw her arms around Stoner's neck. "I'm so glad to see you," she said.
"You are?" Tentatively, Stoner returned her embrace.
"Completely." Gwen laughed into Stoner's shoulder. "I'm such a jerk. One night away, and you'd think it had been months."
She didn't understand. "You would?"
"I promise," Gwen said as she squeezed her tighter, "I won't always be like this. It was just so frustrating."
Frustrating, Stoner thought, isn't half of it. If this was an act, Gwen had talent she hadn't begun to plumb. She extricated herself from Gwen's arms and took a step back. "Did you have a good time?"
Gwen shrugged. "It was okay. Bangor isn't exactly Walt Disney World. Come to think of it, it isn't even Death Valley."
"So," Stoner said as casually as she could, "what did you do with yourself?" And with Sherry, she wanted to add but didn't.
“We went to a movie. Some juvenile thing full of breaking glass and scenes in men's rooms and guns, of course." She looked at Stoner in a puzzled way. "Is something wrong?"
"Of course not. I just wondered if you'd had a good time."
"It was adequate."
"Good." Time to get into it. Time to start the argument. She couldn't bring herself to do it. She started for the stairs. "We'd better get to rehearsal."
Gwen took hold of her sleeve. “Wait a minute. Something's wrong."
"I missed you, that's all."
''You don't act like it."
"I'm sorry," Stoner said, "if my behavior is inconsistent with your expectations."
Gwen flopped down in a chair. "Oh, God. I've done something terrible."
"It's just… well, since you were planning to spend the night, it would have been nice if you'd left me a note or something. Nothing elaborate, just a 'see you tomorrow,' maybe. It's not required, of course, but it would have been considerate."
"I didn't know I was going to spend the night," Gwen said. "I sent you a message."
That made her angry. " 'Spending the night in town,' " she snapped. "Delivered through Sherry to Marcy. Yeah, that certainly is a loving, tender message. It certainly did warm my heart. I guess I should be glad I got it."
"That was the message?" Gwen asked.
Stoner nodded.
"She didn't tell you I love you?"
She shook her head.
"She didn't say we'd had car trouble?"
She felt herself lose control. "Car trouble? Jesus, Gwen, how stupid do you think I am?"
"We had car trouble." Gwen spread her hands helplessly. "We were starting back, and Sherry heard the motor start to ping, the way it does when the alternator belt's about to break. There weren't any gas stations open after nine, and we didn't want to drive back here and risk breaking down on a deserted road in the middle of the night. So we checked into a motel and Sherry got it fixed first thing this morning and here we are. Isn't that what you would have done?"
''Yes, that's what I would have done," she said, deliberately heavy on the sarcasm.
Gwen got up and came to her. "I can't believe Sherry didn't tell you..."
"I don't want to hear her name!" she shouted. "And I don't want to hear any more lies. I trusted you, Gwen. If you had a problem with me, or if you just wanted to... do whatever you wanted to do, I wish you'd had the guts to tell me the truth."
''I'm telling you the truth."
"I'm not stupid, and I don't like being made a fool of!” The silence in the dining room hinted that she might have spoken a lot more loudly than she really wanted to.
Gwen took her hand. "Dearest, what's wrong?"
Stoner flung her away. "Just stop it!"
"Stoner..."
“You want me to swallow this load of bull shit, and you know you had the whole thing planned."
"You're out of your mind," Gwen said.
"Did the two of you sit and giggle girlishly about it between pickle and pimento sandwiches."
"Okay," Gwen said, throwing up her hands. "Obviously something happened in my absence, which has left you psychotic. When you figure out what's really going on, we'll talk about it." She turned on her heel and went up the stairs, her jacket in one hand and a paper bag in the other.
No doubt, Stoner thought, the paper bag contains the famous night shirt. Or maybe the new lacy underwear.
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"Is something wrong?"
She turned and looked to see Sherry standing at her elbow. Rage swept over her. "Nothing we can't handle. Alone."
"Oh, gosh," Sherry said, her face reddening, "I hope it didn't cause a problem between you, us staying in town last night. I mean, everything Gwen said—about how you are and all, you know, your understanding—I thought your relationship was... you know, open. Was I wrong?"
"People who think with their vaginas," said Stoner, "are nearly always wrong."
She brushed Sherry aside. Taking the stairs two at a time, she ran up after Gwen.
The door was just closing. It closed in Stoner's face. She shoved it open viciously.
"Okay, Gwen, you can stop the games. I know what happened."
Gwen's eyes were bright with anger. "Then you know more than I do. And I resent being treated like this."
''You and Sherry had yourselves a little prearranged fun last night, didn't you?" She sounded like a jealous lover. She was a jealous lover. She hated it, but she couldn't stop.
"I'm not even going to dignify that with a response.”
"You maneuvered me into going to Green Lake just so the two of you could be together." She folded her arms across her chest. "Nice work, Gwen. But not nice enough."
''You're crazy," Gwen said flatly.
"She admitted as much just now."
"Then she lied."
"You took your damned night shirt!"
Gwen only looked at her.
"If this whole thing was just some accidental doo-dah, why did you take your night shirt?" She ran her hands through her hair. "Or maybe you had a premonition you'd have car trouble. Maybe you're the greatest psychic since Edgar Cayce. Maybe you should go get a job in the damned circus!"
"Maybe I should. It's probably more sane than here."
"She's been on the prowl for you from the minute we got here," she spat out.
Gwen's face was white. ''You have a hell of a nerve, Stoner..."
"And you've played right along."
"I haven't played anything."
"At least you could have had the decency to tell me you were falling for her."
"Falling for Sherry?"
"You didn't have to parade it around in front of everyone."
"Goddamn it!” Gwen shouted, "I'm not going to defend myself to you. It's my Goddamned body, and my Goddamned life, and if I want to get involved with Sherry Dodder or Madonna or the Man in the Moon, it's none of your Goddamned business."
"Great." Stoner strode to the window and stared out at the empty lawn. "Let's just do anything we want. Fuck commitment. Fuck loyalty. Fuck honesty. It's just all one big, happy fuck."
"Yeah, well, how about trust?" Gwen's voice was shrill with anger. "We've been together all this time, and I've never lied to you, or kept anything from you. All this time, and it hasn't built up one ounce of trust in you. That makes me feel really great, Stoner. Really terrific. Like it's all really been worth while."
Stoner turned back to her. "How am I supposed to trust you, the way you've been acting. The minute we walk in, you hate her. Next thing I know, you're going out of your way to be nice. Meanwhile you're closing up on me. You don't want to talk one minute, you want to make love the next. I don't know what I'm doing with you. I don't know what you want from me..."
"You don't know what I want..."
She felt cold and hard inside, like a suit of armor and a sword with nothing human behind it, and right now she just wanted to swing the sword and mow down everything in her path. "You want to ride off into the sunset with little Miss Goody Two-Face? Little Miss 'You two have such a great relationship. I have so much respect for you. You're so special?' Go ahead. If that's what you like, you're wasting your time with me."
"Jesus Christ," Gwen blazed. ''You're so damned stubborn. You make up your mind about what's real and what's not, and I might as well talk to the trees. You don't listen to me. You don't take me seriously. You get wrapped up in your own little world, and God forbid anyone would want to get in."
"It's not hard for someone to get into your world, is it?" She said bitterly. '''You just let them in, it doesn't matter who, or who gets hurt. Live for the moment, right?"
"Has it ever occurred to you that I might sometimes feel closed out?"
Stoner looked at her. ''You?''
"If Sherry was making you uncomfortable, you could have said so. You could have talked it over with me. But, no, I'm not important enough, or smart enough, or something enough..."
"How was I supposed to talk to you? You're so smitten..."
Gwen cut her off with a gesture. "This has nothing to do with Sherry. It's you and me. It's you keeping me out."
"Keeping you out? I've gotten closer to you than anyone in my life. Anyone in my entire life. I've always been afraid, and I guess now I know why."
Gwen was silent for a moment. "Okay," she said. "I'm out of here." She grabbed her suitcase from the closet and tossed it on the bed and began furiously ramming the contents of her bureau into it.
"Fine. At least your night shirt's already packed."
Gwen stopped and glared at her. "You're obsessed with that night shirt. Have you totally and completely lost your mind?"
"No, and I haven't lost my ability to add two and two, either."
"I didn't take my night shirt anywhere, Stoner."
"Oh, give me a break." Stalking to the bathroom, she grabbed Gwen by the arm. "Look." She pointed to the empty hook. "I don't see any night shirt. Do you?"
''Yes.'' Gwen extricated her arm. She reached behind the toilet and picked up the night shirt from the floor. "Is this what you were looking for?"
Stoner stared at it stupidly while the room turned upside down. "It wasn't there before," she said.
“Well, it's there now." She threw it at her. "Here, you want it? Since it's obviously the most important thing in your life, you might as well keep it." She slammed the bathroom door and turned on the water.
She sat down on the bed and buried her face in the shirt. It was soft, and smelled of Gwen.
She'd always known it would happen like this. No matter how hard she tried, she knew there was something in her that would break the things that mattered most. It would say or do the wrong thing at the wrong time. Or not say and do the right thing at the right time. Or take something wrong and ride it to death.
And she'd finally done it. That demon in her, the demon that waited to destroy whatever she loved had stepped in and crushed the very thing she cherished most. Smashed it into grains of sand she'd never, ever be able to put back together.
She didn't feel like crying. This went too deep for crying. All she could do, forever, was sit there holding Gwen's shirt.
"Stoner." Gwen touched her.
It felt very far away, a chasm between them she'd never be able to cross.
"Honey, we have to talk about this. Calmly."
She opened her eyes. Gwen knelt beside her, looking up at her. “
It's all so crazy," Gwen said.
Stoner nodded.
"Why did you think," Gwen asked, her voice low and loving, "I'd do a thing like that? And with Sherry Dodder, of all people?"
"I don't know."
"You must have some idea."
She shrugged. "Nothing that excuses what I did."
"That's for me to know and you to find out." Gwen took her hand. "Stoner, I love you. I wouldn't do that." She gave a little laugh. "And I certainly wouldn't do it in such a low-down, tacky, stupid way. Even if you don't trust me, at least give me credit for being more creative than a soap opera."
In spite of herself, she had to smile a little. She could feel Gwen's hand holding hers. "I'm sorry," she said.
"So am I. I promise you, if I ever go off and do something this crazy, it won't be with any old Sherry Dodder."
She tightened her grip on Gwen's hand. "I said some awful things to you."
"So did I. There was probably a grain of truth in some of them, but we can sort
that out later, okay?"
"Okay."
“What can we do now to make it better?"
Stoner looked at her and said, "Hold me?"
"An excellent plan," Gwen said, and put her arms around her.
"I'm so sorry, Gwen. Honest, I really don't know what to say. I'm just so... sorry."
Gwen laughed. "Boy, you're fierce when you're angry. And incoherent. Fiercely incoherent, one might say."
"One might," Stoner muttered.
"I'm sorry, too." She brushed her hand through Stoner's hair.
It felt so good to hold her. It felt so good to be held by her.
"I love you so much, Stoner."
She clutched at her. "I love you, too. Gwen, I'm so... so..."
"Shhh," Gwen whispered. "It's okay."
"But some of the things you said about me... they're true."
"I know."
"I really try not to keep you out, but it just happens..."
"Stoner," Gwen said, and kissed her forehead and looked long and hard into her eyes, "we live in a hard, complicated world. Nobody grows up without damage. If it sometimes gets in our way… I guess that's why they invented forgiveness."
Stoner leaned into her and drew a deep, heavy breath. It felt like the first real breath she'd drawn since they got here. "I wish we could leave," she said.
"Well, we can't."
"This place is evil.”
"Not the place, Stoner. This is a very human kind of evil. And we have to do something about it." She got to her feet. "There's something I have to show you." Taking Stoner by the hand, she led her into the bathroom. "Look." She pointed to the corner, behind the toilet. "That's where I found the shirt."
"It must have fallen. Maybe when I took down my robe. And I accidentally kicked it to the side. I guess I just didn't see it."
Gwen went and sat on the edge of the tub and looked back and forth into the corners of the room. Slipping off her shoes, she hopped into the tub and looked back and forth again. "Did you take a bath last night?"
Stoner nodded.
"It wasn't here," Gwen said.
"What?"
"Come over here." She pulled Stoner's head down to be on a level with her own. "Look. From here you can see that corner as plain as the nose on your face. In fact, it's impossible not to see that corner."
