by Harlow James
“I think I just need some time, Mom, to gather my thoughts. I’m not happy about leaving the way that I did, but I think I need time away—to figure out what I want and what that even looks like now that I can live as me again.”
She nods. “I agree. Here,” she hands me my phone that was resting on the bed behind her. “Be honest with him. He’s been calling non-stop, but I didn’t dare answer. I will be here for you, darling. But I think you need to tie up some loose ends at the moment.” She stands, kisses me on the cheek, and then leaves me in my room, staring at a phone with countless missed calls, voicemails, and text messages—all from Cash.
I sit there for almost an hour, reading every word, listening to his voice, letting each ounce of pain and emotion he gives me soak into my soul. He never utters those three words, but I can hear it in his tone and it’s obvious in his actions. He loves me. And I love him, too.
But is love enough?
Because right now, all I can think about is how love got me into this mess. Loving Mason brought the Montevallo’s into my life. My parent’s love for me caused me to take on a new identity and move across the country. And my love for Cash has altered my life in more ways than one, yet still doesn’t negate the fact that I’m recovering from a gunshot wound because I was trying to tell him the truth about why I was living a double life.
After wiping away all of my tears, I open up a message and type what I know I need to say:
Me: Cash, I’m okay. My parents took me home, and I’ve been resting after I spiked a fever from the trip. I know you have so many questions, and I have so many answers I need to give you. But right now, this is what I need from you more than anything—time. My life has been upended in a matter of months, and now after my injury, things have changed. I need to figure out what I want. I know I care about you more than any other man I’ve ever been with, which I know isn’t saying much since I’ve only been with one other person. But it’s true. I feel things for you that I never knew were possible. And if you feel the same, no matter how hard it may be, I’m asking you to give me space while I figure out what happens next. I will be in touch.
I re-read what I wrote, happy with the message, and then hit send. After a few moments, I see it’s been delivered, and then I make the next hardest decision I know is right—I power off my phone and tuck it into my nightstand, closing off my life in Emerson Falls and focusing on healing in the meantime, hoping for a sign that will show me where I’m supposed to go from here.
Chapter 30
Cash
Three Weeks Later
“Get it out, man!” Cooper dances around the ring, taunting me with his fists even though he hasn’t taken a swing on me yet.
“Fight back, fucker! Give me a reason to hit you!”
“You already have a reason. I didn’t do anything to you, but you need to hit something, so do it. Hit me!” He’s speaking behind his mouth guard, but I can still understand him.
“If I hit you as hard as I need to hit something right now, you’re gonna go to sleep.”
“Fine by me. I love naps.”
“Fuck you, man,” I say, swinging at him again, connecting with the padded helmet on his head.
“Take it out, Cash. I know you need to. You’re not releasing it all.”
I freeze, standing there before him, sensing Déjà vu. It was only a few short months ago that I stood by and watched Cooper take out his frustrations on a punching bag when things went sour with him and Clara. And as much as Cooper wants to be my punching bag, I won’t do that to him. Because once I hit him and unleash the monster inside, I won’t be able to stop.
“Go to the bag, Cash!” He breaks my thoughts, pointing to the wall behind us. “Punch the shit out of the bag if you won’t do it to me.”
Turning on my heels, I stare at the bag hanging from the metal chain bolted to the ceiling, and then something in me snaps.
“Fuck!!!!” I shout, running across the ring, jumping over the ropes, and bee-lining for the punching bag, swinging furiously at the weighted leather as soon as I arrive. Drive after drive, I pummel my fists into the concrete weight, releasing all the aggression I’ve felt, the most anger I can ever remember feeling, even more than when I would walk in on my parents fighting.
“Son of a bitch!” I shout, continuing to land blow after blow, my blood pumping so furiously, sweat dripping down my face and body, my muscles burning from the exertion. But for the first time in weeks, I’m feeling something other than pain. I’m feeling a bit of relief and then anger, and then suddenly I stop and drop to the floor, resting my arms on my knees as my head hangs between.
“I’m so fucking sorry, man,” Cooper comes up beside me a few moments later, taking a seat next to me against the wall, ripping his gloves off as I sit there and try to fight back the tears threatening to fall. I never considered myself a crier until I met Piper, fell in love with her, watched her almost die in my arms, believed we would be okay, and then she left me behind, battling this war of emotions that I am losing miserably.
“This is why, Coop,” I say, still hanging my head down. “This is why I don’t do love—because it only leads to misery. I’ve never allowed myself to go here and the one time I do,” I hold up my index finger still in my glove, “The one time I fall, something like this happens. If that’s not a sign, I don’t know what the fuck is.”
“This was just bad circumstances and guess what, buddy? Life is full of them. That doesn’t change her. What you felt for her was not circumstantial. It was fucking real. And that is the part of love that no one can control. So while this entire situation fucking blows, don’t deny your feelings, because those came from a real connection with someone. She’s meant for you, I feel that in my soul.” He pounds on his chest with his fist. “And I have faith that she will come back to you.”
“She won’t even answer my calls or texts. They’re all delivered, but not read.”
“She asked you for time, didn’t she? Maybe she turned her phone off.”
“I just don’t get it. We were gonna talk. I told her I would be back. And then she was gone…”
“Her parents were probably freaked and wanted her home,” he explains to me for the hundredth time. And even though I am not close with my parents, I can understand their wish for her to be home and with them again after being apart for so long.
But what about me? Good ol’ selfish Cash Williams? What the fuck am I supposed to do over here on the other side of the country without the woman that I love, huh? Did anyone think about that?
“I get it. I just… I just want the ache to stop,” I say, pointing to my chest.
Cooper sighs. “I wish there was a magic pill or word to make that happen, man. But sadly, it happens with time, which is what she wanted. Just know, I’m here.”
“I know, man. Thanks.”
Once I gather myself and Cooper pulls me to stand, I head for the shower and then change, making my next stop at Sagewood.
“You look a little better today,” Birdie greets me when she answers the door to her apartment.
“You’re the one recovering from a head wound. Shouldn’t I be saying that to you?” I kiss her on the cheek and then walk through the door, closing it behind me.
“Uh, it’s been almost a month since my fall. I think I’m fine. You, on the other hand, are nursing a broken heart, which is far worse to recover from, my boy.” Birdie walks around me to her kitchen, stirring something on the stove.
“Did you make chicken noodle soup?” The thought actually makes me smile slightly, a foreign occurrence for me recently.
“Yup. And the Cheez Its are already on the counter,” she gestures with her hand, drawing my attention to the box. When I was little and had a bad day, Birdie had Cheez Its. When it was a good day, Birdie had Cheez Its. And even as an adult, those buttery crackers offer me a sense of comfort when my life has gone to shit.
“I’m drowning, Birdie,” I croak, knowing I can open up to her about this.
/> “No, you’re just holding your breath right now, Cash. She didn’t say it was over, she just said she needed time.”
“And how long is that? Am I just supposed to sit around and wait forever?”
“Would you?” She eyes me over her shoulder from her position at the stove.
“Would I what?”
“Would you wait forever?”
Even though I don’t say it, my mind says it for me. Yes. Yes, I would wait forever—because although she’s the only person I’ve ever felt this way for, I know she’s the only person I ever want to feel this way for.
“That’s what I thought,” she smiles coyly, knowing my answer even though I never uttered the word.
“What do I do in the meantime?”
“You live your life, Cash. You do what you did before she was here.” Birdie ladles two heaping bowls of soup and then takes a seat next to me at the counter.
“My life was boring before her. I never realized how boring until I had her to spend time with. I wanted to spend every moment I could with her.” It’s crazy to me that just over three months ago, my life consisted of work, the gym, and finding a woman to quench my sexual thirst at night. But once I learned what it’s like having the same woman on your radar, everything changed. It’s been three weeks since we’ve spoken, and yet it feels like a lifetime—because time is passing so slowly without her here.
I blow on my spoonful of steamy goodness, waiting for it to cool before taking a bite. I haven’t had much of an appetite in the past month or so, but I’ll never pass up Birdie’s homemade chicken noodle soup.
“That’s how you know you found your person. The person you fall in love with shouldn’t just be because of their looks, even though Piper is very beautiful.” I nod in agreement. “That person should be the brightest part of your life, the one person you can’t wait to share all the good and bad and everything in-between with. I had that with Preston and was lucky enough to find it again with Samuel. Those men were and are my best friends. That’s the best part about love—finding your partner in crime,” she smiles, highlighting every hard-earned wrinkle around her eyes and mouth.
“You and Samuel better not be committing any crimes, because then I’d have to arrest you.”
“Don’t worry, Deputy. We’re law-abiding citizens. But you get what I mean.”
“Yeah. You just want to experience everything with them.”
“Yup. The woman I always told you would knock you off your feet finally has, and it’s like you’re locked together in life, forming a bond that cannot be broken.” Birdie’s words bring up the memory of finding the lock fence with Piper on our date, how her face lit up at the thought of declaring your commitment to another person for everyone to see.
“I feel so connected to her still, even though we’re thousands of miles apart.”
“Then that says something. Just be patient, Cash. She’ll come back to you. Have faith.”
We continue to eat in silence, and then Birdie suggests a Scrabble game to take my mind off of things.
“Serendipity, huh?” I ask, as she lays down the same word she did the night I first met Piper.
“I thought it seemed appropriate,” she winks, bringing a little bit of life back to me while I struggle to keep out the dark.
On my way home, I can’t get Birdie’s words out of my head, so I make a pit-stop, picking up a few items that I know I’ll need to make it through this obstacle course, hoping I survive long enough to cross the finish line.
Chapter 31
Cash
Another Three Weeks Later
“Man, baby girl. You are just the prettiest girl at the party.” I’m gonna take the spit bubble that leave her lips as her thank you. “Seriously, Evelyn… you are gonna break hearts when you’re older.” I think about the beautiful woman who’s broken my heart, still anxious about hopefully seeing her again one day, knowing that Evelyn will shatter some young man’s heart in the future as well.
“Don’t remind me,” Kane comes up beside me, dressed in his black tux, reaching for his daughter.
“Uh, uh… I’m on baby duty so you can enjoy your night with your wife. Now go,” I wave him away, turning with Evelyn in my arms so he can’t reach her.
“I swear, Williams. If you weren’t nursing a broken heart right now, I’d pummel you a bit for keeping my daughter away from me.” He kisses her chubby cheek and then turns to find Olivia, who looks breathtaking in her ivory wedding dress.
It’s New Year’s Eve, and Kane and Olivia just got married as they planned to a few months ago. Even though they opted for a small ceremony at their home, Olivia still went all out with a designer gown and Kane rented a tux. They filled their living room with flowers and hired a caterer, doubling the wedding as a New Year’s Eve party as well. To keep things simple, they opted not to have a wedding party, but just asked everyone to dress up for the occasion and celebrate with them. As I look around the room, I’m in awe of how classy everyone looks, only to be reminded that Piper should have been my date this evening, looking fucking sexy in a ball gown as well.
But I’m over here wallowing in my own company because I don’t want to bring the party down. The only thing keeping a smile on my face right now is the beautiful baby girl I get to hold and play with all night. Olivia called me to ask if I would be willing to watch her throughout the evening so her parents could enjoy themselves since they usually would watch her for events like this, and it was the first thing that brought a spark back to my dull world in weeks. I’m so tired of watching my phone, waiting for a phone call or text message from Piper, telling me she’s ready to talk. I feel pathetic, a sliver of the confident man I’ve always been when it comes to women—because the one woman that I want is not here—and it fucking sucks.
As I spin Evelyn around in my arms, I take in everyone coupled off together around the open living room of Kane and Olivia’s home, their modern log-cabin-style home in the woods outside of Emerson Falls. Olivia and Cooper’s parents are dancing on the dance floor set up in the enclosed patio, holding each other and completely immersed in one another. It’s rare to see people who’ve been married that long appreciate the other person still after all those years. Lord knows that wasn’t the example I had growing up. And though I never thought that was something I wanted, I’m grateful to know that it can happen.
Cooper and Clara are off to the side in the kitchen around the island covered in food, Clara waiting for the caterer to finish cooking something for her. Her nausea from the pregnancy has finally subsided, so she’s been taking full advantage of consuming as much food as possible tonight.
“How’s my baby girl?” Olivia comes up to me now, cooing in Evelyn’s face. Her smile is blinding, clearly the happiest woman tonight now that she’s finally Mrs. Garrison.
“She’s having the best time with Uncle Cash. Now go, enjoy your night.”
“I’m sorry she’s not here,” Olivia whispers, giving me a look that tells me exactly who she’s talking about without uttering her name.
“Me too, Liv. Now go,” I throw my head to the side, signaling for her to join the party. But just as she turns, Kane comes up behind her and grips her waist. He then takes Olivia’s hand and ushers her down the hall to their room, closing the door behind them. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what’s about to go down in there.
And yet here I am, single and not even close to being ready to mingle, still pining after the woman that came into our small town and turned my life upside down.
A glance at the clock tells me it’s almost nine, a detail that makes sense as Evelyn rests her head on my shoulders and melts into my chest. The little girl has shown up her mother with how beautiful she looks, guests fawning over her all night. And it seems she’s not much of a party animal yet as her breathing becomes heavy and I peer down to see her eyes closed as sleep overtakes her.
“Someone partied too hard,” Cooper comes up beside me, admiring his niece.
“Ye
ah, I think I’m gonna go lie her down in her crib.” I walk down the hall, ignoring the sounds coming from Kane and Olivia’s room to find Evelyn’s safe haven.
Gently resting her in her crib, I turn on the sound machine to drown out the noise coming from beyond her door and place a soft kiss on her head. One day, I’ll have a child of my own, and I’ll do everything in my power to show him or her that love exists. Because if there is anything I’ve learned this year, it’s that I was wrong. Love is worth it, even though the pain of losing it is worse than any other pain I’ve ever felt in my life.
And as I stare down at the innocent life in the crib, it hits me.
I don’t want to start the next year without Piper in it. She was the best part of my year. Hell, of my life. I know she said she needed time, but time passes too quickly to spend another minute apart. Life is short and hers almost ended.
What the fuck have I been doing? I know I should listen to her, respect her wishes and let her come to me. But I’m tired of fucking waiting around for my life to have meaning again.
She is what I want.
And I want her right now.
I exit the nursery and stomp down the hall, searching for Cooper in the crowd.
“Coop!”
His head turns in my direction. “What’s up?”
“Evelyn is asleep in her crib. I’m fucking leaving.”
“Okay… is everything alright?”
I nod. “It will be. I’m going to New York.”
His eyebrows pop up. “Wow. Okay. Are you sure that’s the right thing to do?”
“Yes. No. I don’t really give a shit right now. All I know is I don’t want to start the new year without Piper in it.”
“Aw, that’s so romantic,” Clara declares as she comes up to us, munching away on a coconut shrimp.
“Well, whatever gets Piper to talk to me.”
“When are you leaving?”
“Tonight. I’m gonna go home, pack a bag, and catch the first flight there.”
