19. Build and use your low drama detector from 100-yard range.
20. Vanish your Box’s baggage, old decisions, incomplete emotions.
21. Use a responsible decoder for receiving communications.
22. Play the game of “Winning Happening,” where you win when they win. This means serving Bright Principles.
23. Clean all spaces wherever you are every three seconds.
24. Use a Disk of Nothing (see Glossary).
25. Use a Springscreen (see Glossary).
The intention throughout is not to supply you with techniques or methods. The subjects covered here are too important and complex to be methodologized. Methods and techniques tend to be usurped by the Box’s intellect and are then kept on special reserve for cogitation in those moments when you do not really need them. Do what you can now with what you have now. That means, start observing when and in what ways you are hooked. Out of your careful observations will come your own ways for staying unhookable.
SECTION 6-L
Holding and Navigating Space
A man or woman who establishes themselves in the Adult ego state and does experiments there will sooner or later discover that there are two kinds of space that they are dealing with on a daily basis. First, common ordinary physical space, defined by walls, floor, ceiling, furniture, decorations, sounds, smells and so on. Before now, when we would think of the concept of “space,” physical space is all that we would normally think of. The second kind of space is energetic space, defined by attention, intention, quality, tone, mood, purpose, timing, and so on.
Physical space is solid and relatively permanent, compared to energetic space, which is mobile and flexible, having the capacity to change shape, purpose, direction and speed almost instantaneously. Energetic space can have the same dimensions as the surrounding physical space. Energetic space can also have larger or smaller dimensions than the physical space. For example, the space of a conversation between two people in a noisy restaurant is smaller than the physical space of the whole restaurant. The space of the conversation might be a small amorphous bubble enclosing only the two people, making them oblivious to the general noise in the restaurant as a whole.
We are either conscious of these two kinds of spaces or we are not. If we are not conscious that we are, in each moment of every day, involved in both physical spaces and subtle energetic spaces, this does not make us immune to the effect of the qualities of energetic spaces. We are affected. But, without energetic space-navigation skills, we are powerless to create any difference in what is going on. Simply by adopting the new thought-map that “there is physical space, and right along with it, perhaps even with the same physical dimensions, energetic space,” we gain the possibility of making changes that were previously too subtle and out of our reach. Navigating energetic space lets us create profound effects at the quick, subtle and complex levels where relationship takes place.
NAVIGATING THE SPACE OF RELATIONSHIP
ORDINARY HUMAN RELATIONSHIP, EXTRAORDINARY HUMAN RELATIONSHIP, OR ARCHETYPAL RELATIONSHIP
Extending our responsibility to include energetic spaces gives us the possibility to navigate energetic spaces. Navigating space is not much different from driving a car or playing a video game. By navigating space we can choose which direction the space goes, or when and how to leave one space and enter another.
It is worth looking again at the Map of Navigating the Space of Relationship. The awareness to develop is that we are choosing every moment where we will go with the space of our relationship: ordinary human relationship, extraordinary human relationship, or Archetypal Relationship. We choose which quality of relationship space to enter through holding and navigating energetic space.
“Holding space” means taking responsibility at the level of energetic space. When I first started learning about holding space I thought holding space meant controlling the space. I became a fanatic for details. I would grip a space so tightly that I would not let anybody move or create anything at all. In that way the space would not get out of my control. But, after awhile, I started noticing that nothing happened in such a petrified space. It was cold, dead, and stiff with rigor mortis. Somehow I had to loosen up and still hold space at the same time. I had to relax and find some way to allow movement without taking my hands off the wheel.
About six months later I found that I could fill a space knee-deep with a kind of energetic mud, a sleepiness from the waist down induced by my own fear of chaos. People were permitted to think and talk, but they were strictly not allowed to feel or take any surprising actions. I thought I had found the solution to holding space because there was a greater freedom of movement and yet the space would not be out of my control. Unfortunately, the movements were tedious and inauthentic, like trying to dance while carrying a bag of cement. There was no real aliveness, nonlinearity or flow.
During the next six months I experimented with letting myself be more and more afraid and still staying functional. I was terrified of the freedom I gave people to create anything they were moved to create in each next moment, while I still retained responsibility for what happened. Me being afraid but not paralyzed permitted the others to safely erupt with joyous nonlinear creation. Far deeper conversations and interactions could take place than I had ever before suspected. My fear became an ally that gave me a sensitivity to more and more influences. I discovered that spaces had wings like an airplane and, if I could permit a space to zoom fast enough along the ground, I could pull back on the “steering wheel” with my attention and we could lift off into completely unsuspected angles and dimensions, using both Bright and Shadow Principles as fuel for accomplishing the creative tasks set before the group.
The next level of space holding came as a major Box-expansion for me. The expansion occurred when I allowed the Clinton-personality-Box who was holding the space to be replaced by a more expanded set of possibilities, namely, the space-holder-Box. As the specific tendencies of the “Clinton show” relaxed, a more neutral space holder took its place. This not-pre-programmed space holder could shift character according to what was wanted and needed, and in various circumstances could be the father, the man, the husband, the sexual partner, the friend, the enemy, the whining victim, the trainer, the clown, the research scientist, the meeting leader, the artist, the theater performer, or others. The space holder was no longer representing the usual “Clinton” channels with habits and restrictions that I knew. Instead, I created and held a space through which the Principles that I served could do their work, and I was continuously surprised – sometimes even shocked – by the words, attitudes, speech patterns, behavior strategies, opinions and expanded character traits that I exhibited. I shifted from controlling the energetics of a space to navigating the energetics of a space because I was moved by a different purpose. No longer was it “Clinton’s” purpose; it was the purpose of the Principles. Suddenly, the relationships I was in and the projects I was doing became far more freed up, interesting and productive than before.
If you place your expanded “field attention” on the whole of the space you are holding – for example, the entire room you are in with people, or just the two of you at a café table, or even you and the other person not in the same room but in the space of a telephone conversation – and you declare that space as distinct from all other spaces, then you gain the ability to name the Principles that the space itself is called into existence to serve. While you proceed from one space to another space as part of your work together, then, as you enter a space, your first action is to recognize and pay respects to the “presiding deity of the space” – the Bright (or Shadow) character concocted out of the Principles that work through that space. Recognizing and greeting the presiding deity of a space establishes a connection between you as the space navigator and the deity, in such a way that a profitable exchange can occur, a “reciprocal feeding,” resulting in a flow of blessings for everyone in the space.
Don’t worry if the previous few paragraphs do not mak
e sense to you right now. The concepts come from outside ordinary Western culture and will only become interesting and useful as you develop your space-holding skills. In the meantime, make a mental note that the information is here so you can return to it as needed while experimenting further.
What is crucial for you to know right now is that what happens and what is possible in each conversation or each moment in your relationship does not happen or become possible by “accident.” It happens or becomes possible according to what space you are holding. The quality of the space is the determining factor. If what is happening right now does not match what you want or need in your relationship, you can simply stay in contact with your partner or with whoever is in the space, then lean your shoulder up against the wall of the space and direct your attention so as to make an energetic sucking gesture. Suddenly you will be in the next space, and whoever was in contact with you will be in the new space with you. Since every space is connected to every other space, you can get to anywhere from here. Again, do not worry about figuring this all out right now. It will come to you through experience.
Bright Principles are aspects of responsibility. Shadow Principles are aspects of irresponsibility. Each space has its own mix of Principles. As you create or enter a space it is helpful to know which Principles are at work and which Principles you can call into that space.
The easiest way to detect what Principles are at work in an energetic space is to continuously ask yourself the experiential questions, “What is the purpose here? What is really going on here?” The answer to your questions will be a whole-body sensing of the set of Bright or Shadow Principles being fulfilled by what is present or what is happening in that space. This way, you will continue to refine your space holding and space navigating skills. It is like learning to read road signs while you are driving so that you can tell what country you are in: ordinary human relationship, extraordinary human relationship, or Archetypal Relationship. With your new driving skills and a few maps you can drive wherever you like.
SECTION 6-M
NIT Education
Nits are the tiny, nearly indestructible eggs that lice lay on your hairs. If you don’t destroy the nits, they hatch into insects that quickly lay even more eggs and start an entire infestation. The phrase “nit picking” derives from the zealous efforts needed to pick the nits off of your hairs before they hatch. The term nit picking accurately names a hypercritical, finicky, faultfinding behavior that eats away at the foundation of relationships. Nit picking is a specialty of the Box.
Nits are idiosyncratic persnickety opinions, preferences and prejudices that form integral components of every Box. Our Box is so comfortable with its own nits that they become invisible, like bad breath to the one who has it. People with similar nits become friends. If we find someone with many nits that match our own, we may marry them. From inside of our Box our own nits look and feel completely normal. But, being near a Box with nits that differ from ours drives us crazy. Since no two Boxes are identical, the potential for nit picking to drive us crazy exists in every relationship.
A sobering consideration is to recognize that, over a period of time, Boxes can become “crystallized.” If we forget or ignore the fact that the nits out of which we construct our Box are completely arbitrary and have no true or “God-given” validity, then by our late forties or early fifties our nits can solidify into a self-defending structure. It is like not exercising enough. The less we stretch the less we are able to stretch. Crystallization sneaks up on us and suddenly we can’t move at all. Once a Box is crystallized it can be extremely difficult, and perhaps even unwise, to attempt Box expansion – the nits could “break.” Better to remember this idea and make it a practice to flex your nits, mix them up, keep studying and learning, upgrade your nits over the long term. You could probably scan your family, friends and acquaintances, and without much trouble detect a few people with crystallized Boxes: repeating the same stories and complaints over and over again, refusing to try new experiences, blind to physical or verbal feedback, and defending with baseless reasons and excuses. Be careful or “them” becomes us. The older you get the more seriously this applies.
The most confrontational condition for our Box turns out to be the most nurturing condition for our being: relationship. Put any two people together and within a short time, often less than a second, each Box reacts to whatever is different or identical in the design of the other Box. The differences can be minis-cule, but the reactions can be enormous. Such reactivity toward an inanimate Box (yours or the other person’s) is as insane as cursing ragefully at a chair because you smashed your knee on it. Insane reactivity is the basis of ordinary human relationship.
To enter extraordinary human relationship requires complete clarity about nits. Without a pre-knowledge about the fact that nits exist, and the kinds of nits that exist, your Box instantly absorbs itself with picking at the nits of your partner. Avoiding nit picking comes through understanding how your Box concretizes its own nits into rules. Watch in horror as your Box initiates “I’m right! You’re wrong!” battles with your loved ones, even though such a polarity is ridiculous because all nits are subjective and fictional. Even when you have the discipline to restrain your nit-picking monster, your Box can still get hooked and explode in reaction to the insidious nit picking of other peoples’ Boxes.
Although not a pretty sight, having clarity about nit picking is a catalyst that inserts a gap in your Box’s reaction mechanism. With a gap in the works, the reaction gears cannot mesh and the emotional force of the reaction has nothing to grab onto. As if you coated your tires with grease, the reaction freewheels without effect and eventually stalls out, going back to neutrality. With a little practice, the time from reaction to stall-out can shrink down to three seconds. When your internal nit reactions do not get to cause any external actions (such as words or gestures), then your being gets to stay centered, present, respectful, and attentive. Nit reactions that previously may have blown you out of kilter for days or weeks can now pass in a few moments. All the energy you conserve can then be directed toward more interesting experiments.
All Boxes have nits because Boxes are made out of nits. Box reactions to nit conflicts are completely unavoidable. What is avoidable is being identified or hooked into fully participating in your Box’s reaction. Staying unhookable comes from the clarity that nits are nothing more than nits.
List of Common Nits
Nits vary from subculture to subculture, from status to status, from age to age. Here are 100 typical nits from early twenty-first century Western civilization.
1. When to empty the trashcan (e.g., For one Box the trashcan must be emptied if it has anything in it at all. For another Box the trashcan is regretfully emptied only when not another thing can be stuffed into it and pieces overflow onto the floor. Neither is right. Neither is wrong. The perceptions and the associated thoughts and feelings are all propelled by nits!)
2. How to hang the laundry
3. Where to put things in the refrigerator
4. How to know when the spaghetti is ready
5. How much salt to put in the potatoes
6. How loud is loud (music, arguing kids, television)
7. How much is enough light to read by
8. How strong is good coffee
9. How to fold the sheets while making the bed
10. Which boundaries are necessary for healthy children
11. How to parallel park the car
12. The best procedure for drying the dishes
13. The proper way to squeeze toothpaste out of the tube
14. When is the toothpaste tube actually empty
15. When do the windows or mirrors actually need cleaning
16. Whose job is it to pay the bills, maintain the cars, get rid of bugs or rodents, change the light bulbs
17. How friendly to be with the neighbors
18. How much time with the relatives is too much time with the relatives
19. What words to use when answering the telephone
20. How to clean the toilet when it is dirty
21. Who cleans the toilet when it is dirty
22. Do toilets even get dirty?
23. When to use credit cards; how much cash to carry
24. How much suntan a person needs to be healthy or beautiful
25. How to dress appropriately for each occasion
26. How long is needed in the bathroom
27. When to arrive: early, exactly on time, five minutes late, twenty minutes late
28. What constitutes a good breakfast
29. When to eat lunch or dinner
30. How much fat around the middle is too much fat
31. The importance of self-improvement or spiritual work
32. The value of art; what to hang in the hallway
33. How many knick-knacks to have around the house
34. The importance of knowing the news
35. The entertainment value of sports
36. How to load the dishwasher
37. When does the car need cleaning
38. How much is the dog a member of the family; where does the dog sleep
39. How to play tennis together: to win or to enjoy the exercise and the company?
40. How to pull the weeds, cut the hedges, plant the flowers; are there weeds?
41. How badly cat piss smells
42. How much is enough ice cream
43. How much is too much sugar for the kids
44. How to decorate the living room
45. What books or magazines are worth keeping around the house
46. How many extra plastic bags or empty cardboard boxes do we need
47. How many rubber bands to keep and where
48. What should go on the refrigerator
49. Who are our friends
50. What constitutes fun
51. How much time off equates to a vacation
Radiant Joy Brilliant Love Page 23
