Cliff was everything for her during their short time together, and I’ll keep it going. He gave her the best he had, and I’ll do the same thing.
And someday, yes, she’ll realize she hasn’t had the infinite love of just one dad, but of two.
Think I’m gonna need one of those tissues.
After a couple gulps, I’ve eased the knot in my throat enough to go on speaking.
“I love you and your mama so, so much. You’re the most precious things in the world to me, and I promise to always take care of you.”
Theo’s sniffles are slowly but surely clearing up. “Okay. I will always love you so much too.”
I can’t help chuckling, nor can Noelle. She and I exchange tender looks before we turn them on the kiddo, who has started gazing over at the shelves of swimming pool boxes.
She points at one of them. “I want that.”
I look and see she’s talking about a much bigger and more expensive one than what Noelle and I planned on.
I tsk. “You want that pool?”
“No. I want….” She leans toward the box, still pointing.
I follow her finger with my eyes, then promptly laugh.
“Oh, you want that unicorn floatie in the picture!”
“Yeah.”
Noelle’s full laughter causes her nose to scrunch up in the way I love. She tickles Theo’s neck and gets a grinning wiggle out of her. I laugh more as I secure my hold on her cute little self, and…
…and my life feels so good.
Our life feels good. It’s palpable between us.
Noelle goes up on her tiptoes to smack a kiss onto my cheek, then onto Theo’s.
“So, what do we say, my loves?” she asks. “Are we ready to think about swimming again, or do we have more wonderful and important things to talk about?”
“Swimming!” Theo declares with renewed excitement, unimpeded by her still-stuffy nose.
I meet Noelle’s eyes again and share in her smile.
“Swimming,” I agree. “After you kiss me again, that is.”
Her smile grows as she cuts her gaze up and down me. Quick as it is, it still manages to whisper at my nerve endings and make them miss her touch—in a way, her kiss to my lips worsens it, but what can a guy do?
Follow up the end of that kiss with a longer press of my lips to hers, that’s what.
She giggles into it, and I like the way it feels.
But it gets interrupted for real by me snorting about Theo’s, “Ewwww! Cooties!”
“Oh no!” I exclaim, turning wide eyes on her. “I completely forgot about cooties. Is there some sort of medicine I can take to help me out with that?”
Theo lifts her eyebrows, shoulders, hands. “I don’t know. I’m not a doctor.”
Well, we may be using our inside voices now, but our inside laughs? Impossible.
—
Our mood stayed firmly in place as we picked out a pool, figured out what all we needed in order to round out the experience (including fun floaties), and headed back to the house. Theo’s excitement surpassed even that of the day at the park, when I was setting up her kite; she could barely contain herself while she waited for me to get the pool inflated and filled.
Needless to say, now that it’s finally ready to be enjoyed and the safety talk is over, she is having a blast. Noelle and I have fun relaxing in the cool water, too, but between pretending to be a mermaid and generally playing around, Theo is on another level.
We get lots of good pictures and videos of her first time owning a swimming pool. Gail and Grant love each one we send to them, and they talk about how they wish they had a refreshing reprieve from the weather too. And that, of course, sparks off a get-together plan for the near future.
Noelle and I gleefully splash each other as well as Theo. We flirt while she’s not looking. We watch the slow sinking of the sun in the brightly-colored sky. We pretend to be merpeople when Theo gets tired of being the only magical creature in the vicinity.
It’s a flawless evening.
Right here in the middle of the week, despite this sticky weather trying to smother us, flawless.
However, as expected, Theo throws a bit of a fit when it’s time to move indoors. According to her, merpeople can swim at night with no problem, so she’s not happy about having to stop playing. However, she has tired herself out without realizing it, and her bout of petulance doesn’t do anything but further that. She’s drowsily returning our words of love before she’s even fully tucked into bed, and I don’t think Noelle has been reading from a princess storybook for three whole minutes before the kiddo is in dreamland.
Noelle and I are getting tired, too, but it still turns out that we can’t keep our hands off each other once we’re on our own with her bedroom door temporarily closed.
The master bathroom has options for both regular and accent lighting, and the latter is what dimly softens the shadows of her room while our bodies meet in a smolder of tangling sheets and bare skin and wandering kisses.
As is always true when discretion is necessary, being quiet isn’t easy.
I love the way it feels to love her.
Being pulled into her is a sense of home like I’ve never experienced anywhere else in my life. I’ll never grow bored of it, never take it for granted.
Remembering for the ten thousandth time that her ring fingers are unadorned sends a wave of shivery sparks along my body—and again when I think of how the next ring she’ll wear will be the one I give her.
And her passionate kiss against the scar on my shoulder tears straight through me. For her to yet again see the ugliness of what I’ve suffered and still bless me with such an adoring gesture, especially while I’m giving everything I have to her…. The only way I can shut myself up about it is to seize her jaw, turn her face back my way, and cover her mouth with mine.
I don’t even know how I stay quiet when we finish each other off, between how hot she has made me and the way she looks and my body being caged in by her arms and legs.
It hits me so hard and so good.
A most comfortable silence comes after we do, though.
Spent, we lie facing each other on our sides. Her fingertips trace invisible things on my back, and I fight to keep my eyes open while I give her waist a series of lazy squeezes.
“You’re a blessing, Beckett,” comes the drift of her voice through our calming breaths.
That encourages me to keep my eyes open.
I’m not expecting an intent frown to be on her face, but there is one.
I drag my tired hand up and gently rub at the crease of it.
“Why are you frowning about it?” I murmur.
Her fingertips pause what they’re doing on my back. She gulps and searches my eyes for…something.
“I just wanna tell you,” she murmurs back, “that you aren’t second best to us. I know I’ve said before that we love you for who you are and we don’t wish you were anyone else, but I…after what happened at the store, I just wanna make sure you….”
The words and the sentiment they carry dive deep into me.
She gulps again before bringing her hand around to grasp at my forearm. “You know that, don’t you? You know you aren’t second best to me or to her?”
I don’t even have to think about it.
“Yeah, I do, Ellie. You’ve said it yourself: there have been two Noelles over the course of your life, and the one you are now is the one who matches me. I can’t be second best if I’m your match, even if Cliff was your match before. And Theodora…. Just like your love, I feel hers all day, every day.”
I swallow hard, too, before curving a smile at her and curling my fingers against her temple.
Up comes the truth I held in my chest earlier in the store.
“All the way to the core of who I am, I know what we have is real. No one can be Cliff, but no one can be me either—I’m not better or less than him. What the three of you had was amazing, and what the three of us have is that to
o. There is nothing lacking about how much I matter to you and Theo.”
She tries to smile back at me, but her features crumple with the threat of tears.
“No, nothing,” she agrees. Her tone is weak, but the kiss she turns to the inside of my wrist is not. “I’m so glad you know and understand—Jesus, God, I can’t even tell you how glad I….”
I scoot toward her until I can push my lips against hers. Even with her tearfulness, the cling of our kiss is warm, bolstering, tender, unwavering.
When it’s over, I brush the tip of her nose with mine.
“Take it to the bonk,” I say. “I know you’re my girls.”
She nods hard and kisses me again.
“The bonk,” she muffles out before a third kiss is pressed upon me.
I nod, too, and haul her so close to me that if we hadn’t just finished sharing ourselves with each other, the soft, naked curves of her against me would be too tempting to resist.
As it is, we settle into this embrace, and I wipe away the teardrop that escapes her, and our hearts find a way to grow a little stronger yet.
—
The passage of time has never felt so…
…okay.
Hours have turned to days. One by one, those days have formed weeks. And Noelle, Theodora, and I are happy.
I can’t believe how significant and precious this happiness is.
Obviously, not all we’ve encountered has been wonderful. Some days have been slow and easy to enjoy while others disappeared on us. Some have been nothing but fun while others brought everything from work stress to Theo being ill to Noelle needing to drop money on a new car battery because hers bit the dust. The small dance performance Theo’s class put on for that local festival was really cute, but it was hot out there, which wasn’t comfortable for the kids even though they wore studio t-shirts and shorts instead of their full costumes. Plus, Theo tripped going up the short stairs to the stage because she was waving at me and Noelle, so that kind of embarrassed her and also left a nasty scrape on her knee.
Still, on the whole, we’re good.
Strange how something you never planned on happening can end up being such a big part of your life.
It worked out for Jenna, too, we found when next we saw her around town, because she was happy. She didn’t introduce us to the guy she was grocery shopping with, just gave us a nod and hung on to her smile as they passed us, but that was enough. It was obvious she really did find someone who is better for her than I was. It reminded me of the last text she sent me, when she mentioned the way I laugh with Noelle; it’s safe to say she never laughed with me the way she does with her new guy, and it was great to see. Noelle and I were glad she found someone who fits with her.
Not a day has gone by when I haven’t appreciated, beyond describing, having found that for myself.
It has felt beyond good to not have to hide—or hide from—the kind of love that has grown between me and Noelle. We haven’t shied away from sharing it with words any more than we have with actions. It has been amazing to be able to text or laugh or whisper whatever comes into our heads about each other, no matter how sweet or cheesy or hot. We are perfectly and proudly two halves of the same whole.
Before we knew it, the two-month anniversary of our beginning had passed.
That’s what we’ve decided to call the night of the deer accident: our beginning. It was when we distinctly noticed things between us had shifted, and claiming it as ours was easier than trying to figure out what a traditional anniversary date would be. Too many important days were jumbled under our belts—it was hard to rank them against one another. There were our first and second and third kisses, and the times we admitted we wanted to be with each other but were struggling. There was the early morning we spent trading touches we had never traded before, and the times we quietly yet decisively spoke of our feelings and our future, and the night of our first date. So by the time we slipped into using boyfriend-and-girlfriend labels, it felt like we had been together for a while already, because that was the truth.
Our real beginning is clear, though, yes.
My memory will keep hold of how shaken-up I felt on the side of the road, with Noelle standing safely in front of me and her face cradled in my hands and her response to my brazen touches all but screaming that she felt something unexpected for me right back.
Certain previous moments had been important to me, too, of course. But the moments following our sudden scare…nothing hit anywhere near as hard as those.
It makes me sigh to recall how heavily things started weighing on us after that.
There was so much we didn’t want: to betray Cliff, to jeopardize the valuable bond we already had, to potentially hurt Theodora with our actions.
Life is so unpredictable, though. Everyone encounters change—for the worst, for the best, for seemingly no reason. It happens both because of things we’ve done and things we can’t control, whether we feel ready or completely unprepared. Change is a terrible and awesome part of living, and we usually can’t do anything to stop it.
I’ve learned that we have to let ourselves feel what we need to feel about it and then figure out how to live around it. It’s important for us not to cripple ourselves in our desperate attempts to run from the bad, and for us to know we truly are allowed to accept the good, and for us to be patient when we can’t seem to untwist one from the other.
God, it can be so hard.
Not all good things that come to us are things we were looking for. They’ll defy odds. They’ll explode through our plans. Sometimes they’ll hurt before they’ll heal.
Exactly like the bad things.
Yet despite how a lot of things in life will never make sense, we can still grow around them. And we have the right to do that—to grow from sorrow and happiness alike, to grow to higher heights and deeper depths, to grow with respect and nostalgia for the past just as much as with hope and an open mind for the future.
The future.
Blinking, I realize I’ve gotten distracted from what I’ve been doing; those two words in my mind solidly bring me back to the here and now.
My smile is small at first, but it gets bigger as I glance around at my emptied-out kitchen. The serenity that fills my chest is the most incredible blend of exhilarating and familiar.
A new chapter of my future with Noelle and Theo is waiting for me.
I’ll be able to greet it once I finish wiping down these surfaces and vacuum the rest of the place. This is all I have left to do before I can officially move out.
Momentarily, thinking about that reminds me of the other fun thing happening today: Donuts With Daddy. The clock on the oven says I’m on schedule to get to Theo by eleven, but just to be certain, I better hurry and finish up here. I grab a fresh disinfecting wipe and get to it.
Only a minute passes before I’m distracted once more—this time by a text message.
I mind precisely not at all.
NOELLE: Hi. :) I love you and I can’t quit thinking about how full of joy I am
I can sense her smile from here.
I’ll just bet she can sense mine as I start typing back how true that is for me too.
—
Ah, man, the donut event.
Similar to the Valentine’s Day party Noelle and I came to, there’s snacking and crafting to enjoy. Something different about today is that each of us men get presented with a handmade necklace-slash-lanyard thing, formed from whatever color of yarn our kids chose and completed with a personalized paper cut-out.
My yarn is yellow; Theodora said that color made her think of being happy, which in turn reminded her of me.
My paper cut-out is of a heart with, ‘I love you so much,’ written on it in her sweetly awkward kid handwriting, along with as many colorful scribbles as she could fit on there.
Wildly delighted, I put the thing around my neck right away.
But it’s not all I’m gifted with: Theo also gives me a piece of paper that has mor
e of her writing on it.
“Ms. Louisa said it wouldn’t fit on the heart,” she explains. “And she helped me spell it.”
Deciphering her goofy letters is entertaining and eye-watering at the same time.
‘I love you. You were my uncle and now you are my daddy. I am so happy to be your little Theo. You make me so happy. Do not forget I love you. Thank you for being my daddy and loving me. You and Mommy are so special to me. Thank you. Love, Theodora Cavill.’
Talk about being delighted by something.
I adore the utter hell out of this note. I’m going to display it somewhere I can see it all the time.
I also know that even if I were still Uncle Beck to her, I wouldn’t feel any differently.
As wholly and proudly as I’ll commit to being called her second dad, being her uncle did something so damn good to my life. If that were still my title, I wouldn’t feel inferior to these other men. I wouldn’t feel out of place or like I mean less than they do. As had been true for a while, I would be Uncle Beck by name but bigger than that by heart.
This reality, though….
After I hug Theo big and remind her of how much I love her, I watch her point out all the hearts she drew on the paper. According to her, the biggest ones are me, the middle-sized ones are Noelle, and the smallest ones are her.
The significance of it all makes this preschool room seem airier, makes her sprinkle-donut-crumbed face seem funnier, makes my soul feel stronger.
Theodora and Noelle each give me a different kind of love, but those loves are on the exact same level of importance to me.
They lift me to the top of the world.
So yeah, what a fun hour this quickly becomes—though I expected nothing less, honestly. My company is too good.
While we snack, I make sure to get great pictures and a couple videos, because I want to remember everything about this (plus, her donut mess is too adorable not to capture). One video is of us scrunched in close to each other, savoring our donuts and playfully talking about how unfortunate it is that Noelle couldn’t come eat with us because she’s Mommy, not Daddy. The way Theo tsks and shakes her head makes me laugh so much I can’t hold my phone steady.
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