by Nikki Ash
His jaw tightens, and he backs away, rubbing the back of his neck. A hurricane of emotions flashes through his eyes. It triggers the storm inside me, and I inhale a deep breath, hoping I’m able to weather it. “I made a choice. I refuse to be the one to blame in this.”
He clenches his hands on top of his head and lets out an anguished breath. He comes at me, cupping my cheeks. “Jesus, Willa. You had a fucking baby. Our baby?” His forehead rests against mine, our heaving breaths mingling. “I’m so sorry I did this to you.”
He’s sorry he did this to me? Fury flows rapidly through my veins, and I rip out of his grip. “You’re sorry? You’re sorry you did this to me? You know what—I don’t need your sympathy. I don’t need you at all. I’ve done this on my own so far, and I can—”
“Jesus, shut up!” He shakes me, lost in his own anger. “Just shut up and stop degrading what we are—what we were. I’ve been trying to tell you since I found you again, and you keep shutting me down, turning my truths into lies. You’ve made me into this person I’m not. And I am sorry. I’m sorry for the shit our parents caused, but I didn’t know. I didn’t fucking know.”
I shake my head. I can’t stop. My mind has been warped into believing one truth for the past two years. If I truly believe he didn’t write that letter, then this whole time…My chest cracks, and a rugged sob tears up my throat. “They gave me an email. I was so upset—I just—I tried to call you. I tried, but they wouldn’t let me. They sent me away—”
I cover my face. My knees give way, and I collapse. Jake catches me and cradles me in his arms as I convulse with sobs.
“Shhh…Willa, please…”
I thrash my head back and forth against his chest. “I did this. I caused our pain. They deceived me, and I allowed it.” I slam my fists against his chest. “Why? How could they do this?”
“Because this is what they do. They control us like puppets and force us to play along.” He hugs me tightly to him. We stay embraced until my cries subside, and reality smacks me in the face. I tear out of his arms.
“Bria—”
“She’s fine. We have her on fluids. Her temperature is already down drastically. She had a small urinary tract infection.”
“Oh my god, how did I—?”
“Willa, this was nothing you caused. It’s very common in babies. You brought her in. You did exactly what a good mother would do.”
“Can I see her? I need to know she’s okay.”
“Of course.” He helps me stand, then leads us out of the supply closet, earning a few curious glances from a group of nurses walking past. He pushes open the door to her room, and I stare at her tiny little body in the hospital crib. I run to her, reaching for her little hand so she knows I’m here.
“Hey, baby girl. Mommy’s here. I didn’t leave you. I love you. You’re so brave.” My teardrops fall, soaking her blanket. Jake comes behind me, his hands cupping my shoulders.
“She’s beautiful. Just like her mommy.”
“She has your eyes.”
His chuckle vibrates against my neck. “First thing I noticed in the waiting room.”
My shoulders tense. I turn around so he can see the honesty in my eyes. “Jake, I’m sorry. I thought—”
He reaches up to cup my cheek. “No more apologizing, okay? We were both deceived.” A nurse comes in, and we quickly break apart.
“Sorry, I just need to take her vitals and brought her chart in for you to review.” She and Jake speak in medical lingo as she takes care of Bria, and Jake looks over her chart. What if something else is wrong? The what-ifs rattle me. I can’t take the wait much longer. Jake’s eyes widen at something, and my stomach bottoms out.
“Oh God, please don’t tell me something’s wrong.” My chest constricts, and I struggle to get air into my lungs. I can’t lose her.
“Thank you, Janet. I’ll finish up her vitals. You can go.” The nurse nods and leaves us alone again.
“Jake, please, tell me she’s going to—”
“You…gave her my name. My last name.” His eyes gloss over with unshed tears. “Why? If you thought I hated you or didn’t want this, why would you…?”
“Because Bria deserved to have something to hold on to. Even if…” I can’t finish. Both our emotions are running so high right now. He steps up to me, cups my cheek, and kisses me.
“Thank you,” he hums against my lips. “I don’t deserve your forgiveness. I can’t imagine what you’ve been through, but just looking at our baby girl, I’m so fucking thankful. I’ve known her less than two hours, and I’m already so in love.” He kisses me again. “I’ve always imagined having kids, but I never knew it would feel like this. She owns my whole heart.” He brushes the hair off my shoulder, his lips finding the dip between my neck and shoulder. “Just like you always have.”
“Oh, Jake.” My tears fall. “I’m so scared. What if she doesn’t get better—”
“Baby, I told you, it’s common. She’ll get to go home today.”
Hope flashes in my eyes. “Really?”
His lips curl upwards into a beautiful smile, and he nods. “Yeah.”
Bria starts making noise, and we both whip around. Her eyes open, and she stares up at us. God, I wish I could stop crying, but the tears still come. Jake is behind me, reaching over into the crib, and I choke on my own emotions as she wraps her little fingers around his thumb.
“Hey, little peanut. I’m your daddy.”
She stares at him, as if she already knows. Her tiny lips form into a little smile, and my heart sings as tears prick my eyes. “I think she knows,” is all I can say. My heart fills with happiness and squeezes at the same time. This moment was once a dream, being together as a family. But this is a reality. A light is shining through the clouds, and we can finally bask in the warmth of a possible future.
This is us finally creating our own path—one where we choose how it ends and where we go.
Jake goes into medical mode and finishes taking her vitals. Her labs come back clean, and she gets the green light to be released. He leaves momentarily and returns wearing his overcoat.
“So, what happens now? Where are you going?” I ask. I have so many questions. So much has changed in the past couple of days. I’m not sure how to truly take it all in. Believe this is all real.
He approaches me, kissing the top of my head. “We take our baby girl home.”
Home. A place I never thought we would share. “Where’s that?”
“Let’s start with your place. That’s what’s familiar to her. Then we make a plan.”
“Plan?”
“Yeah, Willa. A plan. One where we make the decision. Together.”
I nod, biting my bottom lip. “All right.”
He takes off his jacket to cover me, and we wrap Bria in our arms and make the trek to my apartment. When I unlock the door, I’m suddenly nervous about what he’ll think. My living situation is far from what we were used to growing up, and what I’m sure he’s still accustomed to. He doesn’t say much when we walk in, and I take Bria to settle her in her crib. When I come back out, I find him bent over, looking in my fridge.
“Hungry? I can make us something. I don’t have much, but—”
“You don’t have anything.” He straightens out and turns toward me. “What do you eat? There’s barely anything in your cabinets. Even less in your fridge.”
Shame thumps against my ribcage at his disgust. I tear my eyes from him, tugging my arms out of his jacket. “I survive. It’s not about me. It’s about Bria. What money I have after rent and someone to watch her while I work, I use for food. If you’re just going to judge how I live, maybe you should leave.”
He slams my fridge and storms toward me. I take a step back, unsure where his intentions lie, but then he grabs my shoulders and brings me to his chest. “Willa, I’m not judging you. I’m gutted at how you have to live and how I haven’t been here to help you.”
“I’ve been fine.”
“I’m su
re you have. You’ve always been so strong and resilient. But you don’t deserve this. How—how long have you been living like this?” More shame engulfs me. “Tell me, Willa.”
“I’ve only been here a month. I was at the nunnery with Bria since she was born. They allowed me to stay until I was able to save some money.”
He pulls away. “Your parents seriously left you with nothing?” I nod and close my eyes, unable to endure the pity in his. “This isn’t right. They’ll pay for this.”
“Please no. I just want to be done with them. I’m okay with never seeing them again, and I’m sure they feel the same.” Guilt weighs heavy on his shoulders as they slump—his forehead pressing against mine.
“I’m going to make this right. I promise you.” He fuses his lips to mine. “I don’t know how to make amends for the mistreatment that you suffered, but please let me try to fix it.”
“Jake, it’s not yours to need to fix. Our parents—”
I gasp in surprise when he picks me up and walks us down the hallway. “I own those mistakes, regardless. Just thinking about what you’ve gone through...” He pauses, needing my lips as strength to continue. “I’ll do anything to right their wrongs. Anything.”
He lays me on my bed, the warmth of his body blanketing mine. His fingers graze up my sides, and my skin trembles with each touch. I’ve dreamed of this for so long. The feel of his hands on me again, and his body flush against mine. Our hearts beating together with anticipation and need. “Tell me how I fix this—how I fix us.”
“I think you know,” I pant, and my eyes close when his palm cups my breast.
“Tell me what you want, Willa.”
Visions rush through my brain. All the moments he could have been there. Holding my hand and crying with me at the news of my pregnancy, holding my hand during her birth, smiling with me, changing our first diaper together. Images of us as a family. But those moments were taken from him, and I can’t give them back. So, I respond with what I truly do want. “You.”
His lips crush against mine. “Jesus, Willa, you have me. You always have.” His lips break from mine, and he feathers kisses down my neckline, working his way back up until he’s sucking my ear lobe into his mouth. “Two years, I’ve fantasized about having you back in my arms.” His hands are rough, gripping my waist as if he’s worried I’ll disappear. “There wasn’t a single night I didn’t lay restless in my bed wondering where you were, what you were doing. Were you thinking of me? Did you hurt as much as I did?”
His mouth works its way to my cheek, pressing gentle kisses to my chin, to my bottom lip. “Some nights, I would convince myself this was my punishment for leaving you. For taking the most beautiful thing you could ever offer me and never looking back. I replay that night in my head. The good, the bad, the way you smelled. The way you shivered in my arms. The way I kissed away every tear and swallowed your moans. I’ve missed you, Willa. I’ve missed you so damn much.”
He deepens our kiss, and my fingernails graze up his back until they’re tugging at his hair, holding him closer to me. This feels unreal. I tighten my grip, fearing if I let go, I won’t get him back. Our hands become frantic. Primal need takes over, and we tear at each other’s clothes until we’re both naked.
“You’re so beautiful. You’ve always been so damn beautiful.” His head dips, and his mouth covers my breast, biting at my nipple. I wince at the sudden pain, but it morphs quickly into a breathless moan as he sucks my flesh into his mouth.
“Oh god,” I whimper. “I’ve missed you too. I’ve wished for you to appear so many darn times in my dreams. There were times I swore I saw you. Tell me you’re real. Please tell me you’re real.”
“Does this feel real?” His hands slide down between my thighs, finding my wet sex. He inserts a finger inside me, then pulls back to insert another. “Does this feel like you’re dreaming, Willa?”
“God, no.” My back arches as my head tilts and my lips part. He works himself in and out of me, coating his fingers in my arousal. It’s been so long, and this simple touch is going to make me come.
“Jake,” I moan.
“Fuck, I miss my name on your lips. So damn much.” He starts working me faster, and my grip on him tightens as I begin to clench around his fingers.
“Oh, Jake,” I groan out.
He pushes my legs open and replaces his fingers with his cock. He works himself in and out, every thrust becoming more aggressive and demanding. “Jesus, Willa, you feel too good. Just like I remember. Perfect.”
Our need ignites inside us as we claw at one another to get closer. The rekindling of our souls creates a fire that threatens to burn the entire universe to ash. Jake has always been my lifeline. Suddenly, I feel my heart beating again. With every thrust, he heals me, fills me with his love, his desire. He’s the antidote to all the poison I’ve consumed. He’s the reason I can finally breathe again.
My head arches back, and my lips part as a guttural moan travels up my throat. Jake grunts and takes my mouth while powering into me. Each thrust brings him deeper, and I cry out in pleasure. He captures my hips and works me fast and hard until we’re both flying over the edge of ecstasy.
“Jake, can I ask you something?” I nestle on top of him, resting my head on his chest.
“Anything.” He threads his fingers through my hair.
“What would you have done if I were home? You said you came back for me. Why? What were your intentions?”
He doesn’t answer at first, and it worries me. “To be honest…I wasn’t sure. I didn’t have a set plan. All I knew was I couldn’t take it any longer, and every day you ignored me drove me mad. What we shared…it did something to me. It opened up this floodgate of shit I’d been holding back. I couldn’t explain it, but everything else in my life started not to matter. I only cared about hearing from you. Having you tell me you felt the same way. And as time ticked on, so many negative things ran through my mind too. Did you think I took advantage of you? Did you hate me? Had you met someone, and this was your way of telling me goodbye?”
“Far from it.”
He presses his lips to the top of my head and continues. “So, finally, I came home. It was the first holiday break. I only had a three-day break and spent almost two of those traveling, but I had to see you. Even if it was for you to tell me to fuck off. But you weren’t there. Your mother went on and on about how you’d decided to spend the year traveling. I tried to pry, figure out where in hopes of tracking you down, but she was all over the place. I should have known then. It didn’t sound like you. She changed the subject, and no matter how hard I pushed, she wouldn’t go back to the topic. My mother showed up, and then it was all about my schooling, and a shame about Rebecca, and how I must have been heartbroken.” I roll my eyes at that.
“If you were supposed to do your residency in France, why are you here?”
“I did. Spent the first year and a half busting my ass. It was all I could do to keep my mind on track. About six months ago, a colleague of my father’s offered me a spot at Rush Central. I was already ahead in school and had been on track to finish my residency a year ahead of time.”
“Wow. That’s great, Jake.”
“I took it because I thought you’d be at school by then. I had a plan: come home, track you down, and demand answers. By this time, I was super bitter. I’d spent that whole time obsessing over the whys and what-ifs. I hated myself for leaving that night, and I was starting to hate you for leaving me in a way too.”
I go to open my mouth, but he stops me. “You don’t owe me any more explanations. I hate myself for being so naive when it came to every single excuse my mother gave me. If I had just listened to my heart, I would have seen past her lies. I would have found you sooner.”
“But you did find me. That’s all that matters.”
“I should have been there for you. For Bria’s birth. You should have never had to struggle. But that’s over now.”
He kisses the top of my head again w
hile I get lost in the questions swirling inside my head. Where do we go from here? What does this mean for his future—or mine? What will our parents do when they find out? I open my mouth, needing him to help calm some of my fears, when the sound of Bria’s tiny cries filters into my room. I start to get up, but he stops me.
“Let me. I want to do this.”
“Are you sure?”
“Absolutely. Get some rest. I have a lot of time to make up for.” He bends down, kisses my forehead, and disappears. I feel like an intruder listening to him, but I can’t help it. He sings and praises her with loving endearments. Her little giggles warm my heart, knowing she’s just as in love with him. I close my eyes, and for the first time in so long, I fall asleep to the sound of pure happiness, feeling like I’m not alone.
Chapter Eight
I wake with a jolt and gaze around my empty room. “Bria.” I jump out of bed and run into her room, finding it empty. The panic starts to choke me. Baby giggles filter in from the kitchen, and I blow out a breath as I make my way there. Finding Jake shirtless in a pair of scrub bottoms looking like a god, standing in my kitchen holding a smiling Bria, I almost trip over my own feet.
“Look who’s awake. Morning, Mommy.” Jake bounces her in his arms, creating another flutter of giggles.
“What time is it?”
“A little after ten—”
“Ten? Jesus, why did you let me sleep that late—shit! I’m sooo late for work. I’m going to get fired. Where’s Carrie? Did she come—”
“Hey, relax. I took care of it.”
“How? Shit. I gotta get ready—”
I turn to dart back into my room, but he calls out for me. “Willa, it’s fine.”
I pause and twist around. “It’s not. I’m going to get fired, and I need this—”
“I know, and I took care of it.” He buckles Bria into her highchair and slides his hands into his front pockets. “Your phone was going off. I didn’t mean to be nosy, but I saw it was your friend. She was worried about you because you never went back to work yesterday. I didn’t want to wake you, so I texted her back. Told her you were sick and would be out a few days. She took care of your boss. I hope I didn’t overstep. I also sent Carrie home and paid her for the day.”
