by Nikki Ash
What. The. Fuck?
“I wanted it to be you,” she whispers her confession. “Spontaneity,” she whispers.
“I don’t even know your name.” I give voice to my earlier thoughts.
“You’re just passing through town. We both know this is a one-night thing. Can we just… finish what we started so that we can maybe do it again?” She smiles. She turns to look at the three condoms she pulled from her purse. “Maybe three more times?”
“You’ll be sore.”
“So worth it,” she counters. “Please.”
I’ve known her a few hours, and already I could never tell her no. Not that I want to. “I should have gone slow. Taken my time.”
“I wanted it to be real. I wanted to feel the need that seems to be tethering us together. It was perfect. Spontaneous.”
Leaning my forehead against hers, I take in a deep breath. “You tell me if I hurt you. If there is something you don’t like, you tell me, and I stop. It’s that simple.”
“I won’t tell you to stop.” She lifts her hips, causing me to slide just a fraction deeper, something I didn’t think was possible. “You feel too good.”
“Fuck,” I curse. My lips find hers as I pull out and slowly push back in. Our tongues battle as my hips thrust to a rhythm that has us both gasping for air.
“That… right there,” she pants. Her legs tighten, just like her pussy as it grips my cock.
Resting my weight on one arm, I slide my hand between us, finding her clit, and with my thumb, I rub small circles. She’s squeezing me like a vise, and I don’t know how much longer I can hold on.
“Y-Yes!” she screams, and her body convulses around me. I feel the shudder run through her body, and that does it. I can’t hold on any longer as I release inside her, in what will go down in the books at the best fucking orgasm of my life.
After we’ve both caught our breath, I kiss her softly before pulling out of her and climbing out of bed. I take care of the condom and wet a cloth from the bathroom to clean her up. Her eyes pop open in surprise, but otherwise, she says nothing, letting me take care of her. Tossing the cloth through the bathroom door, I climb into bed and pull her into my arms. As we lie in the darkness, nothing but our breathing between us, she has me questioning everything I’ve ever thought about myself. She’s making me reconsider taking a job that will give me roots just to be next to her.
Over the next several hours, even with my protest that she’s too sore, we manage to go through the three remaining condoms, and each time is better than the one before. As I finally drift off to sleep in the early morning hours, I know that I want to see her again. I’ve never felt this kind of connection, and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to keep her and the feeling of her in my arms and in my life.
However, when I wake just a few short hours later and reach for her, the bed is cold. Sitting up, I look around the room, and there is no sign of her, except for the condom wrappers on the floor and her torn panties that are lying under the chair. She must have missed them. Plopping back on the bed, I curse myself for not insisting on getting her name. My dream girl gave me the best sex of my life and snuck out like a thief in the night.
All I have left is a memory.
Chapter Three
Nine months later
Cadence
I’m sobbing uncontrollably, my face is covered in sweat, and I’m utterly exhausted, but that doesn’t stop my smile when the nurse lays my little girl on my chest after her first bath. My hand rests against her back, holding her close to me, and my lips press to the top of her tiny little head. She’s bound up like a tiny pink burrito, and my heart is full.
I’m a mother. I have a family.
Sure, it’s small, just the two of us, but we will always have each other. I will never let a day go by that she doesn’t know that she is my greatest accomplishment, my greatest gift in this life.
“Mommy loves you,” I whisper to my daughter.
I have a daughter.
I’m a mommy.
Sadness washes over me as I think about her father. The man who gave me this incredible gift, yet he has no idea. I never knew it was possible to be in the happiest moment of your life, but also feel sadness and regret.
I left like a coward that night because of what he made me feel. I was embarrassed to do the walk of shame and if I’m being honest, I had already fallen hard for him. It took one night, and I knew my heart couldn’t take the rejection, so I left like a scaredy-cat. I tried to convince the hotel to give me his information, even offered up cash that I didn’t really have to spend on my journey to single motherhood, but it was useless. They refused.
I’ve cursed myself more times than I can count for not paying attention when he booked our room. I was so wrapped up in our “spontaneity” that I stepped away. That’s just another regret to add to my growing list from that night.
“We’ll give you a few minutes, then we need you to try nursing her,” a nurse tells me, bringing me out of my thoughts.
“Okay.” I nod as more tears well in my eyes.
When I found out I was pregnant, I was surprisingly calm. It’s not how I’d planned to have a baby. I wanted to meet a man, fall in love, get married, and then start a family—a family I never really had growing up. When I was nine, I was placed with my foster family. After jumping from one placement to another, the Gardners stuck.
The Gardners are decent people. They made sure I had a roof over my head and three hot meals a day. I always had clothes that fit and the supplies I needed for school, but there were no hugs. No declarations of a job well done when I placed first in the spelling bee. No, “we’re proud of you” when I graduated high school at the top of my class. They were detached. And while I still keep in touch with them—I send them Christmas and birthday cards every year—there are never any in return or invitations to join them for celebrations or the holidays.
The day I graduated, they told me I could stay until I left for college in the fall, and I haven’t been back. That’s not my home. But I was lucky and found that at college. Shelby and I were roommates freshman year, and we hit it off. We’ve been thick as thieves ever since. She’s been my only family and listened to me as I obsessed over grades and my life plan.
However, life often has other ideas, though I’ll never regret the night that resulted in me being a mother. Not just because this little angel was created, but because of him. Hazel Eyes as I’ve taken to calling him. He was my every fantasy come true. He told me the same thing, that I was his. He made me… feel, and I knew the score. It was a one-night thing, so when he fell asleep, I snuck out. I forced myself to walk away to avoid the awkwardness that was sure to be there when the sun came up.
When I found out I was pregnant, that wasn’t the first time that I regretted running out that night. It wasn’t the first time I wished I was still back in that hotel room, laying in his arms, feeling whole for the first time in my life.
As I lie here holding my daughter, who’s not even an hour into this world, I worry about how I’ll tell her about her father. I don’t know his name, but I know deep in my soul that if I did—if I had a name and if he knew about her—he would have accepted her.
Don’t ask me how I know, but it’s a feeling, one that I will stand behind when my daughter is old enough for me to tell her about the man with hazel eyes who gave me the greatest gift in the world.
Her.
“You doing okay, Momma?” my best friend asks from the chair beside my bed.
“I’m good,” I assure her. “Thank you for being here with me today.”
“Are you kidding? There’s no way I was missing this.”
“You’ve done so much,” I tell her, tears beginning to form again.
“Stop. You would have done the same thing for me. That’s what best friends are for. Besides, as this little angel’s aunt, I deserve the right to be here,” Shelby says, giving me a watery grin. “Now—” She clears her throat, sitting up straighter
in her chair. “Can you finally tell me what you’re naming her?”
I look down at my chest to my sleeping daughter and smile softly. The moment I found out I was having a girl, I knew what I was naming her. However, I kept it to myself. I told Shelby that I needed to see her first, something I’ve heard other mothers say—at least from what I’ve read on the blogs I follow.
“Hazel. Her name is Hazel Marie.” My voice cracks and my heart swells with love.
“Hazel Eyes.” Shelby nods in understanding.
“Yeah. I took her father from her, and I want her to have a piece of him. That’s all I know about him to give her, and Marie, as you know, is my middle name. She has a piece of both of us.”
“I love it.” She reaches across the bed and gives my arm a gentle squeeze. “For the record, you didn’t take her father from her. You don’t know what would have happened that next morning. You also had no idea that this little sweetie was created that night. You’re doing the best that you can. Don’t be so hard on yourself.”
I nod. I don’t agree with her because I will forever live with the regret of walking away. I was a coward. I was inexperienced, and the feelings that he awoke in me that night, they had my mind racing and my heart aching to never let go. I knew that wasn’t what our night was, so I fled. I regret leaving, but I will never regret my night with him and my daughter. She’s my everything.
“You sure you don’t need me to stay with you for a while?” Shelby asks.
“No, but thank you. You need to keep living your life, and I need to learn how to live mine as a single mother.”
“It’s okay to ask for help.”
“Oh, trust me, I will.” I chuckle. “You’re going to wish that you lived in a different apartment building.”
“Never. I don’t care what time it is. If you need me, you call me.”
I nod. “Thank you, Shelby. I don’t think I could have done this without you.”
She swallows hard and nods. “So, is the plan still that Thea is going to watch her for you?”
“Yes. She’s excited to bring in some extra income since Scott is the only one working. He insists that she raise Clint, and they not put him in daycare.”
“Phew.” Shelby fans herself. “That man of hers is intense, and finnneee.” She drags out the word.
“That he is,” I agree. “Thea’s going to have her hands full with Clint and this little one, but she assures me she can handle it, and I trust her.”
“I do too. She’s good people. They both are.”
“I agree. However, Clint will be four months by the time I go back to work, and Hazel six weeks, so she’s definitely going to be exhausted at the end of the day.”
“You sure you don’t want to take more time?”
“I do, but I don’t have the time to take. I’d barely started when I told them I was pregnant. I’m lucky they didn’t fire me. My only saving grace is that they do offer up to six weeks paid leave, so I’m not going without money.”
“That’s going to be a hard day.”
“Yeah,” I agree, my heart already breaking just a little at the thought of leaving my little girl when I go back to work.
“Knock, knock,” the nurse says. “Time to see if we can get this little one to eat.”
“I’m going to take a walk. I’ll be back.” Shelby stands and leans in for a hug, placing a kiss on Hazel’s head. “Love you,” she says softly before standing and leaving the room.
With the help of the nurse, Hazel latches on right away, and as I watch her, I can’t help but wonder if there is another way I can find him. Maybe I could hire a private investigator. Not that I have the money to do that. Sure, I make a good living, but I’m doing it all on my own, and babies are expensive. Maybe I’ll start saving, and when I have enough, I’ll try to find him. I owe that to both of them.
I want my daughter, our daughter, to have more than just my memories of her father. I just hope if I do find him, that my gut is right, and he accepts her in his life. I know what it’s like not to have loving parents, and I don’t want that for my little girl.
Chapter Four
Trevin
Three months later
It’s been over a year since I’ve been home to see my parents and my sister. Twelve long months since I’ve stepped foot in this town. When I accepted the job as plant manager for the Lexington branch of Riggins Enterprises, I knew it would take me away from my family, but the pay and the opportunity were too good to pass up. When I visited a year ago, I was missing home and was ready to ask for a transfer or give it all up. After I woke up in the hotel room alone, I couldn’t leave this town and the ghost of her memory fast enough.
That night still haunts me. Every other memory is her, my dream girl, who seems more and more like a figment of my imagination as time passes by. The memory of that night hasn’t faded over the last year, which is what has kept me away. However, I can’t hide forever, as my sister, so eloquently reminded me when she handed me my ass for not coming to visit my nephew. He was born around Christmas, and the family came to my place in Lexington. That was five months ago, and I’ve been summoned. I miss my family, so it’s time to face my memories and stop being a coward.
The reality is, she was a woman I knew for a matter of hours. I shouldn’t be letting her keep me from the people I love.
“You all packed?” Mom asks, standing in the doorway of my childhood bedroom.
“Yeah. You know your daughter, she insisted I stay with them for a couple of days.”
“She’s always been strong-willed that one,” Mom says wistfully.
“That she has. I’m heading home when I leave her place.”
“Well, try not to make it so long between visits. It’s a three-hour drive from Lexington to Indianapolis.” She gives me a pointed look.
“I know. I’m sorry. I let myself get lost in work. I’ll do better. I promise.”
“Good. Now you better get moving. Your sister is going to be calling and tracking you down, and it’s about an hour to get to her place from here.”
“I have a feeling you and Dad have been taking that drive a lot the past five months.”
“Not as much as I’d like. We’re actually considering moving closer.”
“Really?” I ask, surprised.
“Yes. We want to be closer to our grandson. You know it would be nice if you moved home and gave us more grandkids.”
“Mom,” I sigh. “I’m not sure that’s in the cards for me.” A year ago, I would have shut her down, but one night—no, not just one night, the hottest night of my life with my dream girl—has me wishing for things I know I’ll never have. Not without her. How she managed to ruin me in the small span of a few hours is beyond me, but she succeeded.
“I’ll back off.” She grins. “Just know I’m thinking it.” She winks, wrapping her arms around me in a hug. “Love you, son.”
“I love you too. Tell Dad I’m sorry I missed him.”
“Will do. He wanted to cancel his fishing trip, but I wouldn’t let him.”
“I’m glad. He deserves a break. He’s only been retired for what, two months, and he’s just now getting out of the house?”
“Exactly!” she exclaims. “I get the place to myself. Now, shoo,” she says with tears in her eyes.
“I’ll come home more. Promise.”
“Good. Love you. Give your sister and her family a hug from me. I’ll be there to see them next weekend.”
“I’ll tell them.” With a final wave, I’m in my truck and headed to the other side of town to see my sister and her family. It’s long overdue. On the drive, I get lost in my memories of that night, the feel of the mystery woman’s soft skin beneath my fingertips, the taste of her on my tongue, the way it felt to be inside her, and the knowledge that back then, I was the only man to ever have her.
I bang my hand against the steering wheel. I should have got her name. I should have insisted on knowing every little detail about her.
My dream girl.
When my sister opens her door, I’m hit with the sound of crying. Not just from my nephew, who is in her arms, but from somewhere else in the house. “Come in,” she says. I reach for my nephew to help her out, but he vomits all over her before I have a chance to take him.
“Shit,” she mutters. “The second time today.”
“What can I do?”
“He woke her up. Can you try and calm her down while I get him changed? I already called her mom at work. She’s on her way.” My sister is already headed down the hall toward her bedroom before the words are out of her mouth. Not that I can blame her.
Closing the door, I find my way to the Pack ’n Play next to the couch. Peering down, I see a tiny little bundle of pink, her arms and legs waving in tune to her cries. I’ve not had much experience with kids. It’s limited to the visit from my family over Christmas when my nephew was still a tiny infant and didn’t do much but eat, shit, and sleep. The cries intensify, and I know I’ve got to fight back the panic of not knowing what the fuck I’m doing and pick her up.
“Hey,” I coo as I carefully lift her into my arms. Placing her on my shoulder, I begin to rub her back as I pace the room. That’s what they do in the movies, right? “Shh, it’s okay. He didn’t mean to. Little man isn’t feeling well,” I tell her, and her cries turn to a soft whimper. “There you go,” I tell her softly. “All better,” I say as she shudders a tiny breath, which I feel against my neck, and her tiny body relaxes into my hold.
Something in my chest tightens at the realization that I was able to calm her down, and give her the comfort that she needs. Eyeing the rocking chair in the corner of the room, I take a seat and begin to rock her, continuing to rub her back. “Feeling better?” I ask her just as there’s a knock at the door.
“I’ll get it,” Thea says as she walks back into the room with my nephew, Clint, and them both in clean clothes. “Hey, Cadence, I’m sorry I didn’t know what else to do. I hate that you had to leave work.”
