by Rose Shababy
“I think it’s time for me to go,” the man said and backed out of the room. My mother ignored him as she landed more blows about my head and face.
“I didn’t do anything,” I yelled back, trying to protect myself from her hard fists. “I told him to stop but he couldn’t keep his fucking hands off me.” I circled around the room, trying to head for the escape of my bedroom.
“I’ve had it with you,” she fumed. “You’re old enough, get out.”
“What?” I stared at her stupidly.
She glared at me. “You heard me. Get out.” She pushed me toward the doorway and I pressed my back against the wall.
“Where am I gonna go?” I asked, dumbfounded.
“I don’t care,” she snapped, pushing me again. “Get out, get out, get the fuck out!”
I stared at her a moment longer and realized she meant every word, and I suddenly hated her with every fiber of my being. “Fuck you,” I choked out and fled to my room to throw a few meager possessions in a bag as she pounded on the door screaming.
I remembered dashing away tears as I flung the bag over my shoulder and left the apartment.
That is when you began to find ways to escape.
I trembled with fury as he pushed further into my mind. I still struggled to pull my hand from his and sever the connection, but I couldn’t seem to move a muscle despite my trembling. My throat felt like it was filled with sand, but I finally managed to choke out a whisper. “Get the fuck out of my head.”
He ignored me.
The drugs help you to stop feeling. With them, you can ignore the fact that you have no family. You can ignore the fact that no one truly cares about you and, worse, you care for no one. You make friends in name only, like Delilah, whom you abandoned so easily back at that bar. People who would not pretend to be your friend if they knew how much you despised them.
You have sex with men because the physical contact and the moment of orgasm is the only time you feel like you actually connect to another human being, although as soon as that brief moment of climax is over, the emptiness grows. You are filled with an overwhelming emptiness, and you hurt inside every moment of every day. You know that there is something missing, and you have spent your whole life trying to find out what that is.
I stopped struggling as tears trickled down my cheeks, my voice barely as whisper as I spoke “Please stop.”
No! You need to see! All of that behavior, all the drugs and the men and the distractions, they are the reason you never accessed your abilities. You stunted your abilities and kept yourself apart from anyone you could have possibly cared about. The irony is that in doing so, you denied yourself the very thing you have been searching for your whole life, a real human connection. Now you know the truth about yourself, and you are going to have to make the most important decision of your life. Will you be courageous, or will you continue to run away? Will you help us? Will you see the good in the world as you see the good in me? Or will you let the bitterness win?
Bitterness? Yes, the tears running down my cheeks were definitely bitter tears. He let go of my hand and caught me in his arms before I collapsed onto the dirty pavement, panting from the intensity of his invasion. “Fuck you,” I sobbed, tearing myself from his embrace. I wrapped my arms tightly around myself and sat there on the curb, my feet in the gutter.
He said nothing until I gained control of myself. When he finally spoke, his voice still had an edge. “Do you see the truth of my words? No matter what happens to any of us, there is right and there is wrong, and the distinction is not hard to make.” He met my eyes as he sat down next to me. “I have felt pain and loss, Blue. I was very young when my entire family was slaughtered by militant factions as I hid only a few feet away, impotent and able to do nothing. Nothing but feel the terror of my family as well as the excitement of the soldiers as they ripped them from me. Nothing but listen to the thoughts of my sister as she fought against the very soldiers who ripped away her innocence. Nothing but listen to the terrible thoughts of those same men as they stole the life from her.”
I gasped. “That’s …”
“Unspeakable?” he finished, his eyes still hard on mine. “Yes. But my actions are still my own, my choices mine. I know that those terrible acts, those horrible people, will never control me. Only I have the power to choose what kind of person I want to be.
“The choice is yours, Blue. I will not mislead you or lie to you. I cannot promise that life will be all good, but I will promise that my intentions are good and we are trying to help people. And you can find the thing you have been looking for. With me.”
I looked at him and his eyes softened as he reached out to wipe a tear from my cheek. The spark between us jumped to life and I felt my whole body surge toward him of its own accord. As angry as his invasion of my mind had made me, I couldn’t deny that the connection between us felt right and I wanted to hold onto it.
“I don’t know how to not be angry,” I wept.
“You will learn.” He pressed his lips against my forehead. “I will help you.”
I could only nod and lean against him, believing him with everything I had.
****
When I felt up to it, we continued walking, this time hand in hand. I found myself confused by how right it felt. Part of me feared that if I let go, the feeling would evaporate. If I had ever imagined what having a real home felt like, it would have been something like how I felt being near him, and I didn’t want it to go away. My skin zinged from the contact of his flesh against mine.
“Here we are.” He indicated a burgundy Toyota Camry.
My mood changed again as I checked out the car. “Not exactly the Batmobile,” I snickered.
Kasey threw back his head and laughed. I could see a figure shifting around in the driver’s seat, but the darkness and the lack of streetlights prevented me from making out any of his features.
“Please, take the front seat,” Kasey said as he recovered from his laughter, and opened the door for me.
Do or die, Blue, I told myself. I climbed in the car and stared as the man at the steering wheel turned to return my gaze. And kept turning, as it seemed to take ages for his broad shoulders to fully shift in my direction.
He was near my age, maybe a couple years older, but still in his late twenties, all chiseled features with full lips and brooding blue eyes. His carefully tousled hair brushed the ceiling and his muscular frame filled up the driver’s seat. He wore a weathered leather jacket over a polo shirt with a popped collar. The edge brushed against his cheek as he turned his head to look at me.
Holy mother, I thought. When they say tall, dark and handsome, they must have been talking about this guy.
“Blue, I’m Avery Anderson.” He held out a hand lightly sprinkled with crisp brown hair, and I shook it with a limp wrist and staring eyes. My hand tingled from the contact. I wondered if there was something wrong with me, or if Kasey had changed something in me the first time he touched me. Shaking Avery’s hand didn’t produce the same powerful spark I felt when Kasey touched me, but there was a definite tingle.
His nostrils flared slightly for a moment, and I knew he’d felt the same thing when he touched my hand. He watched me, his eyes guarded, like shadowy corners of a dark room. “I’m very glad to meet you.”
I continued to stare as I realized he was the man I’d seen in the second part of the vision Kasey and I had experienced in the club. I remembered him grabbing me and the surge of hormones that ran through me as I looked at him caught me off guard. So did thoughts of what I could do to him. With him! I corrected myself.
To him or with him, they were all naughty thoughts.
A strange panic welled up in me. Nothing! I yelled internally. You’ll do nothing with him!
He glanced away and rubbed his upper lip with his free hand. I realized he was trying to smother a grin.
Jesus, Blue, he can hear every thought you have! I felt my face heat up and didn’t have to look in a mirror to kno
w that it blazed as red as my hair. “Quit reading my goddamn mind!” I snapped without thinking.
Avery’s mouth gaped in surprise as he continued to stare at me.
I heard Kasey clear his throat slightly from the back seat and I realized I’d forgotten all about him. I flushed even deeper and wondered if it was possible to spontaneously combust from embarrassment.
I tore my eyes from Avery’s and yanked my hand from his, dropping it into my lap. My eyes fell too, and I watched as my fingers twisted and knotted together. I couldn’t help feeling I’d betrayed the connection I had with Kasey. For the second time that night, I tried to pull the wide collar of my sweatshirt up to cover as much of myself as possible.
Avery glanced at Kasey in the rearview mirror. He nodded slightly as he started the car. Silence filled the enclosed space for a few, long moments until he pulled onto the freeway.
“Where are we going?” I asked in what I hoped was a casual manner, trying to pretend that I hadn’t just drooled all over the hot guy next to me, promptly acted like a total bitch, and completely ignored the man who was the whole reason I was here with them in the first place.
“We have a place in White Center,” Avery answered, shadows blinking on and off his face from passing street lights, like a strobe light in an epileptic nightmare.
“Really? In the ghetto?” I mocked, trying to ease my discomfort.
“Seattle is safer than most cities,” Kasey countered in a gentle tone. “White Center may not be as nice as some neighborhoods, but it is not like the inner city of Chicago or other cities that have true ghettoes.”
Of course, I thought and wondered if my face was ever going to cool off. Why did I always say the worst thing I could think of when I was nervous? It felt like I’d been blushing for hours, and now I had just one more reason. They probably thought I was a total dick.
“You’re right. I guess I’m just used to making fun. Not like I come from anything but poor white trash,” I offered in what I hoped was a self-deprecating tone as I stared out the window.
“Where you come from isn’t important. Who you are is what we care about.” Avery replied, turning onto an exit ramp.
“I think you guys missed the mark here,” I shrugged. “I’m still not sure I’m anyone special.”
“You don’t give yourself much credit,” Avery glanced at me with hooded eyes for a moment before they returned to the road. “You’ll have to work on that if you want to learn how to control your abilities.”
“I don’t even know if I have abilities,” I shot back. “I know what Kasey said, and I saw what happened in the club, but nothing like that ever happened to me before.”
“What happened?” He glanced at Kasey in his mirror again, and a silent moment passed between them. His eyes shot over to me, his brows lifted in surprise. “Really? Everything just … stopped?” His brow furrowed as he mumbled to himself. “I don’t recall anything strange happening.”
I snickered. “Why would you?” I couldn’t stop myself from rolling my eyes. “You would have been frozen too.”
He shot me a dirty look and I pushed on. “I’m telling you, I’ve never had anything like that happen before.”
“That doesn’t mean anything,” Avery bit out, clearly irritated. “Not everyone manifests the same way.”
“See, I’m not even sure how to take that.” I threw my hands up in the air. “You guys talk to me like I have clue one about anything. The two of you talk to each other without moving your mouth. He puts thoughts in my head and tells me I can stop time. You both listen in on my thoughts like it’s a radio. ‘All Blue, All the Time!’” I parroted like a DJ. “He talks about other people who are like you and tells me they’re like me too, until I don’t know what to think about anything!” I finished my rant with a slight pant, and realized my voice rose steadily until I was almost shouting. Avery braked slightly as he turned a corner.
“Shh,” he tried to calm me. “You’ll have all the answers you want soon enough. I promise.”
I leaned back in my seat and sighed as I closed my eyes. Count to ten, I told myself. I did so, taking deep breaths as I counted. Things won’t always be so confusing. I could feel the tension draining from my body. By the time I reached ten, I felt like I was on the verge of sleep. I wish it was always this easy to relax.
The moment the thought ran through my head I realized it had never been that easy to relax, and suddenly things clicked into place. Hadn’t Kasey told me that Avery could put thoughts in my head and make me think they were my own? Obviously he was poking around in my head. I’d never counted to ten in my life. I opened my eyes and glared at him. “Get the hell out of my head.”
He glanced at me with mock innocence as he turned onto a city street lined with large maple trees. “What are you talking about?”
Don’t be so paranoid, Blue, I thought. After a split second of calm I realized he’d tried it again and I reacted without thinking, punching him in the shoulder. Hard. “I said get the hell out of my head!”
“What the hell!” he hollered. “I’m driving here! Don’t mess with the driver!”
“Don’t you ever do that again!” I snarled at him. “Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. I don’t like to be manipulated. Do it again and I swear I’ll kick your ass.”
“Okay, okay. Jesus. Sorry. I was only trying to help.” He looked at Kasey in his mirror. “You weren’t exaggerating, were you?”
Kasey burst out laughing.
“It’s not funny,” I sulked. I glared at Avery, giving him what I hoped was the nastiest stink eye he’d ever gotten.
Kasey sighed as his laughter died. “Oh, Blue. I can tell you are going to liven things up.”
“Just keep him out of my head.”
“Don’t talk about me like I’m not here,” Avery groused.
“Fine.” I painted a frown on my face and jabbed him in the shoulder with my finger. “Stay out of my head or I’ll fuck you up.”
“Nice mouth,” he sneered as he pulled up to a curb and parked. “You’re a real Miss Congeniality, aren’t you?”
I folded my arms across my chest. “At least I’m not some panty-sniffing peeping tom digging around in people’s heads.”
Avery’s eyes looked like they were going to pop out of his skull. “What did you just call me?”
“Here we are!” Kasey declared, ignoring both of us. I could still hear the laughter in his voice. “Are you ready to meet the rest of our group?”
The rest of the group? Holy shit, I thought. I don’t know how much more I can handle.
I knew the two of them were probably listening to my every thought, but I wouldn’t give them the satisfaction of hearing me voice my fears, so I burst out with all the bravado I could muster.
“Yippee ki-yay, mother fucker.”
CURIOUSER AND CURIOUSER
Avery parked along a dark street shadowed by bushy maple trees that hung low over the curb, their leaves tickling the top of my head as I climbed out of the car. Kasey and Avery had to duck beneath the branches to avoid being whacked in the face.
Once we moved past the concealing canopy of trees, I found myself peering up at what appeared to be an abandoned warehouse. It had a few lower windows that were boarded up, while graffiti littered the dented sheet metal covering the sides of the building. Most of it consisted of the usual banal tags, things like ‘Bobby was here,’ and ‘fuck the po-po,’ but one in particular caught my eye and I read it out loud. ”Down the rabbit hole.” I couldn’t keep the smirk off my face as I glanced at Kasey. “No shit. I might have to change my name to Alice.”
He grinned at me and I heard an exasperated sigh from Avery, who had been lingering a few yards away. He stood glaring impatiently at the pavement with his hands shoved in the pockets of his jeans. I couldn’t help but notice how the worn denim hugged the curves of his muscular thighs. It pissed me off that I noticed him at all and I challenged him with my eyes.
His lips tightened a
nd I felt a quick jolt of satisfaction. He might be gorgeous, but his arrogance seemed to have no end. It made me want to screw with him as much as possible.
He glared back at me and I knew he had listened to my thoughts. The knowledge pissed me off even more and I stared right back, refusing to be the first person to look away. I can do this all day, I thought. Just keep fucking with me.
“Are we going inside or what?” he ground out between clenched teeth, glancing away to address Kasey.
That’s right, look away, you ass licking pretty boy! I crowed inwardly.
“And you,” he turned to glare at me again, “if you don’t want me in your head, stop shouting at me. Ass licking pretty boys like me can’t shut out your thoughts when you’re practically screaming at me to listen.”
I lifted my chin and rolled my eyes as I made finger quotes, “I bet you listen in on everyone whether they ‘shout’ or not.”
We glared at each other and I didn’t need to be a mind reader to know he was as unwilling to back down as I was. He took a step forward and the low hanging branches cast a heavy shadow across most of his face. Only his eyes were still exposed and, as they bore into mine, I felt something other than resentment emanating from them. It reminded me of the vision I’d had of the two of us and I flushed.
I felt like he was drawing me in for a moment and somehow I knew it came from his fascination with me. What that really meant, I didn’t know, but I knew without a doubt that he was as drawn to me as I was to Kasey.
Kasey! I felt a wave of guilt as I realized I’d forgotten he was there. Again.
I gave him an apologetic smile.
He smiled back before he spoke. “Blue, Avery, I believe we should focus on what is important. Shall we go inside?” He moved close to me and reached out for my hand, and I took it without hesitation. Once again, I felt the same spark and attraction that drew me to him the first time he took my hand, and the petty argument with Avery faded away. Kasey led me down the sidewalk and I glanced back at Avery one more time. Maybe I would find out later what interested him about me so much. Maybe not. For a moment I wondered if it really mattered and then decided it didn’t. The whole reason I’d gotten into their car to come with them was because of Kasey and the connection between us.
