by Rose Shababy
“Can you tell us what you saw?” Esme asked reasonably.
“When the fuck were you going to tell us?” Val exploded.
“I’m sure Kasey did what he thought was best,” Ash said as he put a soothing hand on Val’s shoulder.
“Why didn’t you share this with us sooner?” Avery ground out. “And how the hell did you hide this from me?”
The rest of their words were lost in the cacophony as they all talked at the same time. They obviously had formed a family of sorts and, as I watched from the outside, I felt lonelier than I’d ever felt in my life. Could I ever belong to these people?
Kasey let them vent for a few moments before he held up his hands. “Calm down. I will reveal all I can in good time.” He turned to look at me. “We are losing sight of our real goal for the night. We are here to recruit Blue.”
Everyone fell silent as they looked at me. I made myself sit still even though it was uncomfortable to have all their eyes on me. I feel like I’m in a goddamn zoo, I thought as I fought the urge to squirm. I looked at each of them in turn and when my eyes fell on Val’s sneering, disbelieving face, I felt my resolve strengthen. I lifted my chin and met her gaze. Watch out. This animal has claws.
Kasey threw his head back and laughed and everyone in the room turned to look at him.
“What’s so funny?” Esme asked.
“This one here,” Avery pointed at me, “has quite the attitude. Our fearless leader finds her thoughts funny for some reason.”
“And you don’t?” I asked coldly.
“I’m thinking with the right head,” Avery spat.
I’d had enough of his nasty mouth and I stood up with every intention of punching him in it. “You pig humping ass clown!” I screeched as I launched myself at him, intent on damage.
My feet left the ground just before my body hit his, and I found myself hovering above the floor, frozen in midair. All of my muscles strained toward Avery, and if sheer will were power, I would have been mopping the floor with him. As it was, I was grateful to find my mouth wasn’t frozen.
I screeched at him with everything I had. “Let me go you foul fucking sphincter!”
Ash and Esme’s eyes zinged back and forth from Avery to me as they watched me dangle, but Val doubled over with laughter. Avery grinned at her.
If I was angry before, it quadrupled as I watched the two of them enjoy my helplessness, to the point that I couldn’t even articulate actual words anymore, blabbering and growling and hissing instead. “Blerg grah blubbity splah!” I was mortified to feel hot tears roll down my cheeks.
“Avery!” Kasey roared and the room went silent, and I was suddenly released from my hovering state.
I hit the floor, smacking my face on the bare wooden slats and the silence seemed to amplify the sound. I lay still for a moment, struggling to regain my dignity. Reaching up, I tried to discreetly wipe away my tears. When I pulled my hand away from my face I was mortified to find some of the wetness on my cheek was blood. The red on my hand grew until my vision clouded from it and my anger overwhelmed me. I knew I was partly responsible for what had happened, but I didn’t care.
Then Kasey was kneeling next to me, his eyes pleading with me. “I know what you are thinking,” he reached for my hand and I pulled away from him as I sat up.
“Of course you do,” I spat, turning to glare at Avery. “Both of you. You have all the privacy in the world but seem to think you can dig around in my thoughts as much as you like, and then get mad when you don’t like what you find.” I jabbed a finger in Avery’s direction as I pulled myself off the floor. “You have a lot of nerve getting mad at me.”
“You are right,” Kasey replied. “I can only apologize. I have never experienced a mind that projects like yours, but it is no excuse.”
I pushed away my guilt and looked at him for a moment, then back at Avery, wondering if he was going to apologize as well.
He refused to meet my eyes, staring at the floor instead, his jaw flexing with his own anger.
“Forgive our poor behavior,” Kasey pleaded with me. “We clearly do not spend enough time in the company of others and we seem to have forgotten our manners.” He looked pointedly at Avery, who said nothing, the working of his jaw the only sign that he heard Kasey’s words.
I looked around at the others. Ash looked embarrassed but still held Val’s hand as she met my eyes and lifted a brow, challenging me to do or say something. Esme gave me a tremulous smile, her brow creased slightly.
What do these people want from me? I suddenly wanted to go home and smoke a joint and pass out. I didn’t want any more excitement. I didn’t want to deal with these new people and their new ideas. I didn’t want to feel this attraction to Kasey or Avery. I didn’t want to be special. I wanted the paper doll flatness back.
I want to go home, I thought. “I think it’s time for me to leave,” I told him.
“Please stay. There is still so much more to tell you.” Kasey reached for my hand again, and again I pulled away from him. “I know you are in pain, Blue. I would not take your pain even if I could. It is necessary. Pain lasts. It is how you know you are alive.” His gaze seemed desperate. “I must tell you of the vision before it is too late.”
I ignored his words. “Kasey, I thought, for like a minute, that you might be right about me, that maybe I was something different. Someone like all of you.” I gave the others a cold look, lingering on Val and finally Avery. “But now, I don’t think I want to be like you. Any of you.” Avery flushed and looked away, refusing to meet my eye.
“Perhaps a little time to think would be wise.” Kasey sighed and ran a hand through his mop of hair, flashing Avery a meaningful glance. “I think we all need to reflect on what is important.”
Avery flushed a deeper red. I couldn’t suppress the satisfaction that ran through me.
“I will drive you home,” Kasey offered.
“No thanks. I’ll call a cab. What’s the address here?” I pulled my cellphone from the little bag on my wrist and gave the operator the address when she answered. “I think I’ll wait outside,” I told him after I hung up.
“At least let me wait with you,” Kasey asked. His eyes were big and hopeful as he looked at me.
“Fine,” I answered with false carelessness and turned to leave.
“Bye-bye, sad Blue,” Val taunted in a sing-song voice as I walked toward the door. I paused and turned back to look at her. She smiled and gave me a little wave.
I glanced at the others. “I’d like to say it’s been real keen meeting all of you, but you’d know I was lying.” I looked pointedly at Avery. By now, his face was a brilliant crimson. “How about we just agree to a mutual ‘fuck you?’” I gave them a smile of false cheer and both middle fingers and then turned to walk out of the apartment.
****
A persistent beeping invaded my mind, pulling me from the comforting cocoon of unconsciousness. I lay still for several long moments, pretending that I could ignore it and fall back to sleep, but it turned out to be a fruitless endeavor.
I groaned and rolled over to slam my fist down on my alarm clock. Why the hell was it on in the first place?
I opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling, thinking about the previous night. I had a slight headache from drinking too much, not to mention the copious amounts of dope I’d smoked as soon as I hit my front door, but that wasn’t what plagued my thoughts.
Even with the headache, my thoughts bounced around like a pinball in a machine as I remembered everything that had happened. I relived each moment, and felt myself flush with anger again as I remembered hitting the floor after Avery released me from my suspended state. I remembered the satisfaction I felt as I flipped them all the bird and walked out.
Kasey followed me to the curb, still trying to convince me to stay. “Please, Blue, give me a little time, perhaps just you and I. There is so much more I need to explain. You need to know who you are, what you are, what is coming. It is not safe for you
to be alone anymore.”
I snorted with disbelief. “I don’t think it’s safe for me to be around those people.” I pointed vaguely toward the warehouse.
“You do not understand.” He shook his head with frustration. “Now that you have manifested your ability, it will flare up at unexpected times. You cannot put the water back once a dam has collapsed. Your life will be very different from now on. You need to train and learn to focus so you are able to control your abilities.”
“No,” I shrugged his words away, “I need to go home and smoke a fatty. And sleep. And forget this whole night ever happened.”
He grabbed my hand and I gasped as the spark that flared each time he touched me jolted through my body. “What about this … connection?” he asked, his eyes boring into mine. “I know you feel it too. I have never felt this with anyone.”
“I think Avery’s right,” I lied with a wave of my hand. “We’re not thinking with the right body parts.”
“It is not just physical attraction.” Kasey’s voice hardened, his accent more pronounced. “It is real. I can feel it.” His eyes closed as he spoke. “It is a tangible essence that flows between us like a figure eight, from one of us to the other with no end and no beginning.”
I knew he was right, and even more, I knew that he knew that I knew he was right. What a fucking mess.
The cab pulled up to the curb and I pushed the other thoughts away. As I reached for the door, I looked back at him. “Later, man. It’s been …” I raised an eyebrow “… interesting.” I ducked to climb in the car.
“Blue!”
I paused and looked back.
Kasey shoved a piece of paper in my hand, and I looked at it to see a phone number and an address scrawled across it.
“You will need that.” He looked certain when he said it. “Call me or come to me when you are ready. Or when you have problems. Please.”
Our eyes locked and for a brief moment I fought the urge to throw myself into his arms, but the image of Avery and Val’s laughing faces pushed to the forefront of my mind. I ignored the urge and climbed in the backseat of the cab, refusing to look back as it pulled away from the curb. I gave the cabbie my address and leaned my face against the cool window, fighting back tears and the feeling that, with each rotation of the wheels, I moved further and further away from where I belonged. Watching the city streets fly by, the image of Kasey’s face burned into my brain like a branding iron, filling all my senses.
Now, not even eight hours later, I lay in my bed staring at the ceiling and remembering, wondering if it was all just some fucked up dream I’d had.
My bladder finally forced me out of bed, and I stumbled into the bathroom. Glancing at myself in the mirror, I realized two things. One, I still wore the Flashdance outfit from the night before, and two, my cheek was scraped and bruised. Shit. No, it hadn’t been a dream.
I made some coffee and showered, and finally started feeling somewhat human. Reluctantly pulling on some clothes, I dragged myself out of the house to head down to the unemployment office. My rent wasn’t going to magically disappear.
****
“So …” the fat man across the desk from me looked down at the application in his hand, “Blue. Tell me a little about yourself.”
Just looking at him made me angry and I wanted to lash out at him. I bit my tongue instead and tried to smile at him, hoping my face didn’t look as grim as I felt.
I wondered what a guy like him was doing managing a women’s clothing store at a shopping center since he couldn’t possibly know anything about fashion. Or women, I thought after eyeing him with distaste.
I knew he was the manager not only because he was interviewing me for a job, but also because a small plaque on his desk read, “Brady Smith, Manager." He had a comb-over slick with grease and a cheap, short sleeved button up shirt that showed off every belly roll. A bead of sweat trickled down the side of his round face as his eyes traveled up and down my body. His gaze made me want to pull my skirt down and button the top two buttons of the slinky blouse I wore, but I refused to give him the satisfaction of knowing he made me uncomfortable, so I kept my hands in my lap.
A cheap, round clock hung on the wall behind him, the tick of the second hand echoing through the room loudly, filling my ears with its rhythm.
The room was small and hot, and I wondered why he bothered with the anemic fan sitting on top of a filing cabinet. It whirred loudly as it blew hot air, and the single overhead light shone dimly through the layer of grime on the exposed bulb.
I didn’t answer, waiting for him to lift his greedy eyes to mine. When he finally did meet my eyes he didn’t even have the decency to look ashamed. He grinned instead and I wished the ground would open up and swallow him whole.
“What would you like to know?” I hated him like I hated all the other rim-job managers that came before him. I imagined plucking his eyes out with a spoon and it made me feel better, but only a little.
“Well, why do you want to work for our little company? What is your availability? What …” His eyes dropped to roam over my cleavage again, “assets can you bring to the table?” I resisted the urge to reach across the desk and plow my fist into his doughy face.
I was desperate. It had been six weeks since I’d been fired, and I had always lived paycheck to paycheck. Now I found myself surviving on ketchup packets and top ramen. My landlord had threatened to evict me and I couldn’t afford to drive anymore. I couldn’t stand taking the city bus, but it was a hell of a lot cheaper. I hadn’t paid my phone or electricity in two months, and I knew those were going to be gone as well if I didn’t come up with some cash soon.
I thought about selling my car to make ends meet, but couldn’t bring myself to do it. I knew that if I didn’t come up with something soon, I’d need the goddamn car so I’d have some place to sleep at night.
“I’ve had plenty of retail experience,” I offered.
“Yes, I can see from your resume that you’ve moved around quite a bit. Why is that?”
Because nob licking maggots like you look at me exactly the same way every place I go, I thought. “I guess I just haven’t found the right fit,” I answered sweetly.
“I think I could find your … niche,” he grinned at me and lifted his eyebrows. “I have a knack for finding a place for everyone, and I have plenty of room on my team for a talented young woman like you.”
I stared at him, hating him even more for what he was implying. I hated that I felt I had to sit here and take his innuendoes. I hated that I couldn’t hold down a job. I hated the whole direction of my life. As I stared at him, wishing I could be anywhere but here and hating the nasty grin pasted on his face, I realized he sat motionless, waiting for me to answer.
“I don’t know if I have the kind of talents you’re looking for, Mr. Smith,” I answered, my voice thick with repressed emotion. “But if you give me a chance on the floor, I think I can sell your clothes.” I hoped he would give me a chance even if I didn’t show him my “talents.”
He stared at me, still grinning.
“Mr. Smith?”
He grinned away.
“Mr. Smith?” I waved my hand in front of his face. He didn’t move. I reached out and poked him with a finger. He sat stock still.
“Fuck my balls!” I jumped out of my chair, racing around the desk, grabbing the fat man and shaking him. “Mr. Smith!” As the panic that tightened my chest increased, so did the vigor with which I shook him. “Shit! Shit, fuck, shit!” I hauled back and slapped him as hard as I could across the face. His expression didn’t change. “Snap out of it you stupid man-whore!” I screamed as hot tears ran down my face. I knew what was going on as the words fell from my mouth like bricks, no echoes in the silent room.
Kasey had warned me this would happen.
He’d told me I could lose control and now here I was, stuck in this room with just me and this fat pervert, frozen in time. I collapsed on the floor, sobbing.
I cried
until I couldn’t cry anymore. When I finally calmed down, I tried to focus on something other than panic and loneliness.
How much time had passed? Minutes? Hours? I glanced at the clock above Mr. Smith’s head, the second hand silent and unmoving.
Time didn’t pass at all, I told myself. It felt like it, for me anyway, but the world was frozen, unmoving, unaging.
Was the whole world frozen? For the first time, my curiosity was too much, and I took one last look at Mr. Smith before I walked out of his office. If I managed to start time again, he would be startled to find himself suddenly alone. But so what? What could he do? Who could he tell? Who would believe him?
Besides, I didn’t want his fucking job anyway.
I walked through the store, looking at all the people frozen in place. A woman held a red shirt in the air, examining it. I realized suddenly that I could take anything I wanted and walk out with no fear of being caught. For a moment I debated ripping the shirt from the woman’s fingers and taking it with me just to spite the nasty Mr. Smith, but I decided against it and kept walking. I’d done a lot of shitty things in my life, but I wasn’t a thief. Besides, I’d frozen time on accident, who knew when it would start again. It could happen just as suddenly and with my luck, there I’d be, red shirt in red hand.
I made my way to the entrance of the store, pushing the doors open and threw my head back, relishing the momentary sense of freedom that coursed through me as I stepped out into the sun. I inhaled deeply and realized none of the usual scents from cars, hot asphalt and the various restaurants in the shopping center filled the air.
The moment of peace was short lived.
The panic started to well up inside me as soon as I opened my eyes again.
Everywhere I looked, people were frozen in step, cars sat in stationary positions in the middle of the streets and parking lot, a kid on a skateboard balanced precariously on a rail. I took a few tentative steps onto the sidewalk and noticed a man to my right, sitting on a bench eating fries and a burger. Curious because I couldn’t smell anything in the air, I grabbed a couple fries and stuffed them in my mouth.
