"Do you have a license?"
"I don't. Never really needed it living in Seattle my whole life. Anita is the only reason I leave the city," I said coupled with a shrug.
"I can drive you. It'll be faster and we have dinner plans that night. We can spend the day together," she said, and I hopped up when she lifted me, wrapping my legs around her waist.
"You lift me up so much."
"Because you weigh like ninety pounds or something." She patted my rear and toted me to the sofa. "Do you not like it?"
"I like it very much." I kissed her and her warm return soothed me like a cozy blanket.
"Good, baby. So can I drive you?"
"Um...It's like an hour. You'd have to wait…"
"I'd like to, Rosie. Honestly," she said, stroking my arms when I caressed the heart-shaped space at the base of her neck. "Let me take care of you."
"When do I get to take care of you?" I met her gaze and her gentle smile remained.
"You already have and you don't even know it."
"Are you going to your mom's tomorrow?"
She nodded, her expression falling from light and hopeful to colder. "For a little while."
"I really want to go with you…" I held my hands up when she shook her head. "I know it's hard for you to see her, Sam. I know it hurts you so much. At least I can be there for you."
"Rosie, no. I don't want you there."
"Your mom lives in a regular old retirement community now, doesn't she?" I asked and she nodded. "It's not a faith-based community like last time."
"Yes, but you'd have to wear hijab or she'll be a bitch. She'll be rude to you anyway. And she speaks to me in Arabic only." Sam's entire body hardened under me and her fingers dug into my hips.
"Am I never going to meet your mom?" I tilted my head when I asked and the question seemed to shock her. Her brow furrowed and she seemed lost for words for a second.
"You will. I just...I don't know." She sighed and glanced over my shoulder.
"You know, she can come to Rebecca's with us."
She shook her head at that. "No, baby. My mom isn't the most outwardly accepting of me being gay. It was different when my dad was around, but now she's not as okay with it. She questions everything and it's just…messy."
"I still feel that I want to support you." I cupped her face in my palms and she met my gaze. She slouched on the sofa under me and continued to caress my jean-covered thighs while she appeared to contemplate the notion.
"Not yet," she said, her gaze flickering to mine again. "Not yet, baby."
"All right." I leaned my forehead against hers and kissed the end of her nose. "Eventually, I'm coming with you."
She nodded and pulled me into a hug. I kissed her neck and she rubbed my back as if soothing me when I wasn't the one having intense emotions at the moment. The oven timer dinged and I leaned back to see a smile melting over her lips.
"Is it done?"
I chuckled and kissed her. "It's done. Let me go take it out. It needs to cool for a few minutes or so, then we can eat it."
"Best night ever." She swatted my ass when I stood and I laughed.
"Hey. My rear is still pink from your naughty play." I scurried off to the kitchen to remove the pie, and put in the last one. I set the timer, then grabbed bowls and forks from the cupboards.
Sam joined me, and retrieved the ice cream from the freezer. "You know we're going to eat the whole thing, right?"
A laugh left me and I tossed her a grin over my shoulder. "I was hoping so."
"So chocolate, vanilla, or rocky road?"
"Chocolate and vanilla. How does that toot your horn?" I wagged my brows at her and she cracked up.
"You toot my horn every day, my sweet Rosie." She kissed my cheek and I about melted. My smile never ended at that point as I gazed at her. Samirah came into my life and made everything seem lighter and brighter. And so much more fun.
When the pie cooled adequately, I scooped out giant helpings into the bowls and Sam piled on the ice cream. Like two bandits in the night, we stole away to the sofa. We sat facing each other, with our crossed legs touching at the knees, and Sam dove in for the first bite.
"Oh my God, Rosie, this is delicious."
"Thanks." My face burned with shyness as I took a small bite of pie with the perfect proportion of ice cream. "My grandmother taught me how when I was really little. I remember a few things."
"You realize that you're going to have to bake for me now, right?" She nearly beamed with delight.
Keys jingled in the hallway and we both looked over to see Alex bustling in. She stopped short when she saw us, then let out a deep groan and pretended to drop to her knees.
"It smells amazing in here."
"I made the pies," I said while laughing at her. Samirah wasn't a beat behind.
"Oh my God, you're eating it?" She tossed her purse on the table then leaned over the back of the sofa. "Can I have some?—Hi, Samirah—Can I?"
"Hi." Sam wore an amused grin at Alex's theatrics.
"Yes." I chuckled and nodded to the kitchen.
"Right now. Put it in my mouth." She opened her mouth and waved her hands toward her face.
I shoved a spoonful at her and she ate it while laughing hard. "Yeffs!"
"Okay, now go fix your own." I waved her off and she pranced toward the kitchen. "Show off."
"She's a ham," Samirah said, smiling at the two of us. "Is she always?"
"Not always. Food makes her excited."
"I heard that," called Alex while she fixed herself some dessert.
"The two of you are both tiny. Are you sure you're not actually related?" Sam glanced between the two of us. "Alex, are you blonde under the mane of painted auburn?"
"Nope." Alex licked some ice cream off her spoon before carrying her catch to the living room. She plopped down in the saggy armchair and tucked her legs under her. "It's the orphan kid bone structure of neglect and malnourishment in our formative years."
Sam's brow furrowed and she glanced between us. "You were an orphan?"
"Little Orphan Annie at your service." She pretended to tip a fake hat.
"Sorry to hear that. How'd it happen?" Sam's serious tone changed the direction of our conversation.
"Never knew my dad. My mom overdosed when I was about four. I don't remember her, but I remember all the foster homes and group homes. That's how Rosie and I met. The Seattle foster care circuit." Alex nodded in my direction. "You were like twelve? Thirteen?"
"About that," I agreed. "We were in the same group home together for about a year at first."
"Then out to different foster homes, then back to the group home together within a year of leaving."
I nodded and looked to Sam. "Does it bother you to hear about it?"
"It doesn't, baby. It's part of your life." She squeezed my thigh and I smiled.
"Rosie, this is amazing," Alex said with a full mouth.
"Gross." I laughed at her and she grinned. "Did you eat today?"
"Not really. It was busy at Jordan's because she's going away."
"Who's in charge?"
"Cin and Grace for the most part." Alex gulped down another bite. "I thought you were staying at Sam's tonight. I totally forgot about the pies."
"I forgot to tell Sam I wasn't so you're not alone." I winked at Samirah who wagged her brows at me while licking the last bite from her spoon.
"I'm not complaining. This treat was amazing."
"Oh, yeah. And I can't wait for tomorrow. Rebecca feeds us up good," said Alex.
"She does," I agreed. "Is Sara coming over tonight?"
"No, she's with her family. Might see her tomorrow night though."
"So...are you official or what?" I set my empty bowl down on the coffee table beside Sam's. She turned in her seat to wrap her arm around me and I snuggled up against her.
"We're definitely seriously dating. Nothing exclusive yet." Alex glanced between the two of us. "Unlike you two cuties."
&nb
sp; "Why not exclusive? How long have you been dating?" asked Sam as she squeezed me tighter and smooched my cheek. I smiled under her affection and snuggled against her.
"A few weeks."
"Slowest moving lesbians ever. Why haven't you asked her?" Sam continued to press and it made me grin to watch her in action.
"Um…" Alex gulped down her bite. "What if she says no? I don't want to scare off a good thing."
"You're going to lose a good thing if you don't make a move," said Sam.
"Who made the move with you two— Never mind. Why am I even asking? Rosie doesn't move anywhere." Alex snickered and I flipped her off.
"You're wrong," I spat, though I couldn't contain my laughter at the lie.
"Well, she makes moves in one place for sure." Sam grinned at me and nibbled my cheek.
"Ooh-la-la. Kinky girls." Alex wagged her brows again and I covered my face.
"You know it." Sam's smile nearly beamed at that point. Her warmth toward Alex settled something inside me and erased any doubts I had about integrating her into my life.
"I'm having more." Alex finished her last bite and sighed sadly. "That was so yummy."
"Al, eat real food. There's stuff in the fridge."
"That's yours…" She set her bowl down on the table as well.
"So? Just eat it."
"It's okay." Immediately, her anxiety tightened her posture and cooled her demeanor, quelling her silliness.
"C'mon. I'm not bad off for food, Alex. There's a rotisserie chicken and potatoes that I just picked up at the store. Eat it."
"No, Rosie. It's for you." Alex shook her head.
Sam glanced between the two of us, her brows narrowing with concern as she watched our ping-pong match.
"It was, but not now. Sam and I skipped dinner for dessert. And I'm pretty sure we both had breakfast and lunch, which I know you've had neither." My tone came across somewhat scoldingly and Alex glanced to the fridge.
"We can just order a pizza. I mean, I could eat. I can always eat." Sam broke the tension and Alex stared at her.
"And wings? Wings go good with pie and ice cream," I added.
"You got it, baby." Sam grinned and kissed me quickly. "And garlic bread."
"I'm in." I pointed at the phone in Sam's lap. "Pull up the food app that we totally abuse."
"We do and I love it," she said and I watched as she plugged everything in.
Alex sat quietly, her gaze on us the whole time. Eventually, I looked at her and she gulped. I witnessed Alex's food insecurity before, and it hadn't been too profound while we shared space until I realized that we didn't often eat together unless I made something specifically to share.
"You're eating with us," said Sam, a brow cocked at Alex. "No arguments." As if her word was law, Alex's posture relaxed. "Yes?"
"Okay." Alex smiled at Sam then glanced at me.
"I know, Al. It's okay." I held my arm up to her and she scurried over to hug me. I gave her a squeeze and she sat beside me when we relaxed. "You're always welcome to share my food. Always."
"I know. I don't want to take anything away from you, Rosie. I get caught up in that," she admitted, glancing between Sam and I.
"Old habits. I have plenty to share. So do you."
"Not lately. I'm not even paying you rent." She bit her lip and glanced to Sam. "Sorry. You don't need this drama."
"It's not dramatic, Alex. It's life," said Sam.
"We got a late start in life," I said, patting Alex's hand. "We might be in our thirties, but not really when it comes to getting settled."
"True. Did Anita tell you that?"
"She did. In some ways, foster kids are savvy and survivors. In other ways, we're stunted," I told her, repeating Anita's words that helped normalize my situation.
"Yeah. For you it was socializing and relationships. For me it was money and being stable," offered Alex, toying with the hem of her shirt. "Though Jordan is great to me and generous. I have a lot of clients, but I blew my cash on impressing a girl."
"Of course you did." I snickered and so did Sam. "But at least it's not Frankie."
"Uck. Frankie?" Sam scowled. "Neither of you should be with someone like Frankie. She'll steamroll you."
Alex nodded her agreement and I laughed hard, my eyes wide at her assertion. "Who should I be with then?"
"Me." She grinned and tossed her arm around my shoulders. "I'm perfect for you."
"You are." I hugged her and returned to resting against her.
"Who's perfect for me?" asked Alex, playfulness returning to her expression.
"Someone who is validating, settled, and affectionate. Who speaks to you with respect and not anger, and someone with empathy," said Sam, tapping her bottom lip. "Sara sounds like a fit."
"So far." Alex nodded and took a deep breath.
"Ask her to be exclusive, girl." Sam's championing of Alex warmed my heart and I dropped my head on her shoulder.
By the time the conversation ended, Alex was all smiles again. When the oven timer blared, I hopped up to take out the final pie while listening to my girlfriend and friend share conversation with ease. Together, the three of us decided on a movie and midway through, the pizza arrived. We indulged together, Alex clearly demonstrating her hunger despite having had dessert first, and the evening ended with Samirah heading home around ten. It hurt my heart to bid her goodnight, knowing what she faced in the morning.
The next day, Alex and I trudged our way to Rebecca's around noon with both pies in hand. We spent the first few hours helping her prepare the sides while the turkey cooked, filling the house with the first of the holiday season scents.
While I peeled potatoes, I couldn't drag my thoughts away from Samirah and her current status at her mother's. I wondered if she suffered, if her memories overcame her. It tangled with my own emotions and the thoughts of my mother that I'd managed to keep suppressed for some time. I imagined seeing her again, standing on the streets of Seattle after leaving work, and there she would stand, staring at me with cold eyes and holding hundred-dollar bills in her hand.
"Rosie," called Alex. "Your salting those potatoes with your tears."
I sniffled and wiped my eyes on my sleeve. My chest tightened and I set down the peeler. Alex reached across the table to take my hand, her brows wrinkled with worry as my breathing kicked up.
"Rebecca," called Alex, and I heard the heels of her boots hurrying across the floor.
"What's going on, girls?" she asked, sliding on to the bench beside me with her hand on my shoulder.
"Rosie is upset."
"What's wrong, sweet girl?" Rebecca immediately doted on me, rubbing my back in slow circles while I sobbed.
Panic tightened my torso, and I gripped my chest as the overwhelming emotions caught up with me. I shook my head at her and heaved for breath. In the past, my thoughts told me I was dying, that I would pass out and cease to exist, but after so many panic attacks over the years, I knew why my body acted this way. I covered my face with my hands and took in slow, deep breaths. It'll pass. It always does.
Rebecca wrapped her arms around me and kissed my temple. "Easy, love. Slower breaths," she said, her voice soft against me.
When the terrible images of my mother in front of me faded, so did the panic, leaving me only with the rattled anxiety that tore through my chest. I drew in one last breath, and looked up at Alex across the table from me. Her eyes, laden with sadness, hurt my heart a little. I glanced to Rebecca who returned to rubbing my back.
"Did you take your medicine, Rosie?" she asked.
"No. It just makes me tired."
"When was the last time?"
I shrugged and sighed, clearing my throat then returning to the potatoes. "It doesn't matter."
"It does." Rebecca placed her hand on top of mine, pressing the peeler and potato back to the table. "You need your medicine."
"No, I don't. I can handle my anxiety on my own."
"What happens if you have a panic attack at work or
on the bus? Or if you feel like you can't handle things again?" She continued to press and I found myself frowning at her for the first time in awhile.
"I don't have panic attacks at work."
"What if you did?" She lifted a brow at me. "Where's your purse?"
"In the hall. I don't want to take them. Samirah will be here soon. I don't want to be tired, Rebecca. I want to have dinner with everyone and just be normal."
"There's no such thing as normal, Rose." Rebecca smirked and gave my forearm a squeeze. "Only thriving."
"This is the first panic attack I've had in weeks. I'm fine. If you hadn't told me about the parole hearing, I wouldn't have had one. I wish my mother would just disappear from the Earth so I never had to think about her again," I blurted out, my breath shuddering with the exposure of truth.
"Me too," she said, glancing to Alex who nodded. "But since that can’t happen, we can only do what we can with each day. I would really like if you took your medicine, sweetie…"
"If I have another panic attack, I will." I pursed my lips and dug my heels in about the situation.
Rebecca backed off and ran her fingers through my hair before she stood up again.
"All right, love." She glanced to Alex who offered her a faint nod.
Alex and I finished the potatoes in silence, then I set them on the stove to begin boiling. Alex kept her distance, though watched me out of the corner of her eye. Steve and Jason, both holed up in their respective man caves, didn't check on us at all.
At around three, a text from Samirah came through and I read her words while my heart set to pounding.
Hi, Rosie.
Hi, honey. You okay?
A long pause followed my question so I lifted my phone from the table and stole away to the empty study at the front of the house. Just as I was about to hit the call button, she replied.
Mostly.
Where are you?
Outside.
Come inside.
Can you come out?
Yes.
I pocketed my phone and hurried out the front door a few paces away. In the late afternoon, the sun dipped behind the buildings and cast long shadows on the pavement. Sam's SUV sat parked in the driveway beside Rebecca's car. She met my gaze through the windshield and I waved for her to join me on the porch. She exited her car, then pocketed her keys and phone before heading over to me. Despite her slight smile, she appeared tired and walked at a slow pace. I noticed she still wore hijab around her neck just like last time.
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