by Holly Rayner
“That’s not exactly something most of our customers would pay for, miss. Sorry.”
“How much is a shot of it?”
“About $250,” he said.
“Good Lord.”
“Yeah, that’s why we don’t carry it. Not many people are willing to fork over that kind of cash for a shot of tequila in an airport bar.”
Raul bought me a $250 shot, I thought. The man was out of his mind.
“I have a nice Corralejo Reposado if you’re interested.”
“No, thank you. I really shouldn’t drink tequila anyway.”
The bartender walked away, leaving me with my head on my arms, crossed on the bar. All I wanted to do was close out the world and live in a cave by myself for the rest of my life. Then, I couldn’t hurt anyone anymore.
I was a terrible person. I’d taken advantage of a man who had been nothing but kind to me. I’d connected with his daughter without thought of what it would mean when I disappeared and never spoke to her again.
Bitter tears burned my throat and leaked from the corners of my eyes.
“You know, I bet it’s not as bad as all that,” the bartender said.
“It really is. I’m the worst person on the planet today.”
“A pretty lady like you? I don’t believe it.”
I tried to smile at him, but I was sure it came out more like a grimace.
“American Airlines Flight 1199 now boarding.”
I gathered my items and tried to give the bartender a genuine smile.
“I appreciate the effort to make me feel better. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. And I stand by my initial statement. I’m sure it’s not as bad as you think it is right now. Things will look better in the morning.”
I gave him a noncommittal hand wave and made my way to the gate as quickly as I could. If I could manage to sleep, I’d be home with no more time for thinking. That would be optimal, but knowing my brain, unlikely to happen.
I settled into my seat and closed my eyes to begin three hours of chasing sleep to avoid my life.
Chapter 25
Tanya
Six Weeks Later – May
“In other news this morning, Arlen Cooper’s real estate corporation, which was awarded the contract for the Angel Tower project in Manhattan, breaks ground today. The Angel Tower will be a 90-floor residential building designed to complement the neighborhood’s design. Cooper’s original design had been rejected by the neighborhood for being too industrial, but the resubmitted designs the organization presented to the neighborhood board at a special meeting last month were accepted.”
I glanced at the television in time to see Raul’s design on the screen. Anger warred with guilt for dominance in my gut. Arlen hadn’t even bothered to have the plans redrawn. The image on the screen was literally one of the photos of the model I’d sent him. The bastard wasn’t even hiding the fact that he’d stolen the idea from Raul.
“Damn it,” I muttered. I set my coffee hard on the counter, sloshing half of it over my hand.
Cursing, I shook my hand and thrust it under the cold tap.
I deserved this. This was the least I deserved. It wasn’t about the money. Raul and Arlen both had more money than they would ever spend in their lifetimes or the lifetimes of their children.
The thought of children was a kick in the gut. I’d missed Rey every day since I’d left Madrid. That little girl had gotten into my heart, and it pained me every time I thought of how heartbroken she must have been when she realized I’d left without saying goodbye.
I dropped some ice cubes into a dishcloth and wrapped it around my hand. The cold felt so good against the scalded flesh that I actually closed my eyes and enjoyed it for a moment.
The announcer on the television moved on to their next story, wiping the proof of my guilt from my sight, but not from my heart. I poured another cup of coffee into my travel mug, grabbed my phone and my keys, and headed out the door.
In the six weeks since I’d been back in New York, I’d managed to build my business to the point where I no longer worried about what would happen when Arlen’s payment to me ran out. I’d be able to pay my mother’s rent and the other fees associated with the assisted living facility she lived in now. That was an enormous weight off my shoulders.
I’d picked up several missing person clients and a few cheating spouse jobs, but I’d made a hard and fast rule never to engage in espionage again. I just didn’t have the stomach for it. I couldn’t go out of my way to hurt people like that ever again. Raul must feel so betrayed. I’m sure he had felt I’d betrayed him when I left without giving him my contact information, but surely by now he’d seen the photographs and put two and two together.
I stomped down the sidewalk, heading to my office. New Yorkers, seeing my walk, got out of the way as quickly as they could. Jeez, what was wrong with me?
I unlocked the office door and closed it behind me before sitting at my desk. I checked my email and found several new inquiries from my website. I’d taken the advice of a friend who had helped me set up the website and the request information contact form that had brought in most of my new clients. It was surprising how many people didn’t really want to talk to a PI, but wanted to hire one anyway. The form gave them that distance. I didn’t care if I ever met these people in person. It was much easier if I just stayed isolated and kept a healthy distance between myself and the rest of humanity.
My receptionist, Phil, came in a few minutes after I had settled at my desk. He walked into my office and placed a box in front of me with a smile and a wink.
“They only had two of the chocolate-covered donuts this morning, boss lady, so I got them both for you.”
I opened the box and lowered my nose into it to sniff the nirvana that was fresh donuts.
“Thanks, Phil. You’re an angel.”
“That’s why you hired me.”
“I hired you because you’re so organized you make Marie Kondo look like a hoarder. The fact that you live next to the best donut shop on the island played no part in my decision.”
Phil winked at me and returned to his desk. He really was a great help around the office. He kept me organized, answered the phones and dealt with the occasional walk-in, and brought me donuts. In return, I paid him very well and let him wear whatever he wanted to the office. Today it was a chartreuse button-down with black jeans and sneakers I couldn’t even identify. Phil was a bright slash of color in my otherwise drab office, and he was the reason I could smile from time to time.
“Boss lady, you need more coffee yet?”
“No thanks, I’m good today.”
“Okay, let me know if you need anything.”
“Can you contact the email clients that came in overnight, please? Find out if they want to meet with me or would rather conduct their business over the internet.”
“That form is really paying off for you.”
“Yes! Remind me before you leave to give you some money to take your partner to dinner in thanks for making that for me.”
“Yes, ma’am. I won’t forget.”
My cell phone rang and I snatched it off my desk. My mom’s smiling face showed on the screen.
“Hey, Ma, what’s up?”
“Why does something have to be up for me to call my daughter?”
“It doesn’t, but you usually don’t call when I’m at the office.”
“Oh, you’re working? I’m sorry. I can call back later.”
“No, no. It’s all right. What can I do for you?”
“Well, they’re having a little party here for my friend who lives down the hall. It’s her birthday. They said we could bring someone, so I thought I’d ask if you’d like to join me. It’s been a while since you came by.”
More guilt washed over me. I lay my forehead on the edge of my desk. I hated to admit it, but I’d been avoiding visiting my mother because being in her building reminded me of what I’d done while working for Arlen. I couldn’t re
gret getting her out of that third-floor walk-up, but I couldn’t stand how being at Sunshine Pines made me feel like the world’s worst person.
“I’m sorry, Ma,” I said softly, “I’d love to join you for your friend’s birthday party. Can I bring anything?”
“Tanya, over here!”
The lobby at Sunshine Pines was festooned with streamers and balloons. My mother waved from a corner of the lobby where six older women were gathered on the sofas. I assumed the one in the middle wearing a birthday hat was the birthday girl herself. I waved back and smiled, setting the cake my mother had asked me to pick up on the table beside the sofa she sat on.
The birthday girl eyed the cake and winked at me. I opened the box and put it in her lap so she could see the “Happy Birthday Stella” the baker had penned in icing on the top.
“Happy birthday, Stella,” I said, handing her a fork.
“What’s the fork for, young lady?”
“I figure you’ve reached the age where you can say, ‘Screw everyone else, I’m eating this whole cake myself.’”
The smile that lit up Stella’s face was worth the three subway changes it had taken to get to the bakery and the forty-minute wait for the cake itself.
“That’s so sweet of you, and you’re absolutely right. I see you eyeing my cake, Betty. This one’s all mine. You can eat the one the kitchen made.”
“Stella!” Ma exclaimed. “Be nice.”
“You be nice. I’m gonna eat cake.”
Ma stood up and held her hand out to me. I took her hand and walked with her to her apartment. She was still inexplicably proud of the place.
“Is the throw on the couch new, Ma?”
“It is! Betty made it for me. She’s teaching me how to crochet in our Friday afternoon share-and-care hour.”
“Share-and-care hour? What the hell is that?”
“Language, young lady!”
I sat down on the couch and sighed.
“I’m sorry, Ma. I don’t know what’s wrong with me today.”
Ma joined me on the couch and took my hand.
“Tanya, you’ve been off since you came back from your trip. Are you ready to tell me what’s wrong?”
I shook my head.
“I really can’t. I kind of wish I could. I might feel better if I had someone I could talk to.”
“Why can’t you talk to me? I’m your mother.”
I looked at her. How could I tell her what I’d done? What a horrible person I was?
“It doesn’t matter, Ma. I’m sorry I’ve been cranky with you. I’ll be more aware from now on.”
“Honey, I don’t care if you get snippy from time to time. Everyone does. I care that you’re unhappy. You’ve been unhappy for weeks now. It breaks my heart to see you like this.”
“I’m not unhappy, Ma. I’m fine. Really. Shall we head down to the dining room to join the celebration?”
My mother grimaced and then chuckled. “I lied. I didn’t want company for the party. I wanted an excuse not to go. Stella’s a nightmare.”
I burst out laughing and hugged my mother hard.
“I love you so much, Ma. You always know what to say. Can I take you out to dinner? I could go for a couple of slices of pizza, how about you?”
Chapter 26
Tanya
“You’re going to end up wearing that if you don’t sit down,” Ma said as she took her seat in the pizzeria.
I picked a piece of cheese off my shirt and sat across from my mother. I was feeling better than I had in weeks. For a few minutes, I’d managed to forget that I was worse than pond scum.
That, and the pizza tasted so good. I’d eaten half of it already.
My stomach rumbled in protest. Suddenly, I realized I was going to be sick.
I held up my hand to my mother and dashed to the ladies’ room, where I barely made it into a stall before losing my dinner. I washed my face and rinsed out my mouth before heading back out into the restaurant.
Back at the table I caught my mother giving me a significant look and tried to reassure her I was all right, but then a sudden waft of smell from the kitchen hit me. Nausea rolled over me, and I was running for the bathroom yet again.
When I came out this time, Ma was waiting for me right outside the bathroom with a pizza to-go box in her hand.
“Now are you going to tell me what’s going on?”
“Outside, please,” I begged.
She took my hand and pulled me through the restaurant. On the street, I took a huge gulp of Manhattan air and my stomach settled down. How could car exhaust and unwashed humanity smell better than my favorite pizza? It was penance for being a terrible person. It had to be. God was punishing me now.
“Tell me what’s happening with you, Tanya,” Ma said.
We walked toward the subway in silence as I worked on what I was going to tell her. Finally, I took a deep breath and started talking.
“I’ve done something I’m not proud of, Ma, and I don’t know how to make amends.”
“What did you do?”
“I hurt a good man and his daughter for money.”
She frowned, her expression a mixture of surprise and sadness. “What is wrong with you, Tanya Marie? I raised you better than that.”
“I know, Ma.”
“Well, you only have one choice. You have to apologize to the man and his daughter and beg their forgiveness.”
“I really can’t do that. If I could, I would have done it already.”
“What did you need the money for that you were willing to throw away your integrity?”
That stabbed me right in the heart. She was right. I hadn’t just done a bad thing and deceived good people. I’d thrown away my integrity and disregarded my moral compass. All for money. Sure, for money to help my mother, but the end doesn’t justify the means.
I couldn’t tell Ma the money had been for her. That wasn’t fair. I had to suck it up and deal with it on my own.
“It was important, but don’t worry, Ma. I’ve got it under control.”
She gave me a look.
“And what’s with the vomiting?”
I shrugged.
“Honestly, I have no idea. The pizza tasted great going down and then, blam. Maybe I picked up a stomach flu somewhere. I have no idea.”
“How do you feel now?”
“Now? I feel great. Ready to go.”
My mother gave me a strange look and patted my shoulder.
“Come on, if we hurry, we might get to watch the staff panic when they realize Stella ate that whole cake herself.”
I left my mother at Sunshine Pines and took the subway home. While the stops passed, I thought about what my mother had said. Maybe I should reach out to Raul and Rey and at least try to make amends.
The problem was, what could I tell them that would serve to make amends without making things worse? I couldn’t think of anything by the time I reached my stop, so I decided to table the idea for another time when my brain wasn’t quite so taxed.
Chapter 27
Tanya
“Boss lady, there’s an email from a client who wants to meet in person,” Phil said. He leaned into my office and pointed to my computer. “Do you want to answer it?”
“I’ll take care of it. Thanks, Phil.”
“No problem.”
I wiggled the mouse and pulled up the email page to review the client inquiry. When I saw from whom the request had come, my heart stuttered and then raced in my chest. My stomach rolled, and I debated dashing to the bathroom down the little hall from my office.
“Mr. Stanton” said he wanted to meet to discuss the investigation of a business partner. Surely it was no coincidence that this prospective client was using the name I’d used for my job, a job this client described with almost deadly accuracy as the kind of situation they wanted me to investigate.
What if this was Raul? Should I meet with him and try to explain or just delete the email and let it all go? My finger hovered o
ver the mouse button, but I couldn’t bring myself to delete the email and walk away. No matter what, I loved this man, for however short a time we were together. He deserved an explanation.
Instead of clicking delete, I clicked reply and agreed to meet with the client as outlined in the email. We’d meet at Harry’s. The fact that we were meeting at the same bar where I’d met with Arlen twisted something in my gut, but I went along with it. I really had no other choice if I were going to go through with seeing Raul, if that’s who this was, and begging his forgiveness.
The confirmation reply from “Mr. Stanton” came back almost immediately. It made me wonder if he was sitting watching his phone, waiting for some answer from me. Could he possibly have it in him to forgive me, or was I facing a lifetime of rejection and anger from the first man I’d ever fallen in love with?
“Phil, I’ll be leaving in about two hours to meet with the new client. Can you shift my afternoon appointments for me, please?”
“No problem, boss. I’ll take care of it.”
“Thank you.”
I had work to do, but instead, I spent the two hours between the email and when I needed to leave trying to put together the words I’d use to convince Raul I was worth taking a second chance on. I figured I was doomed since I couldn’t even seem to convince myself. Everything I came up with sounded like a pale excuse that in no way made amends for betraying Raul and Rey. At best, I came up with some level of apology that might pass muster, but even then, I felt like words were inadequate for the pain I’d surely caused them.
When the time came to leave, I closed up everything in my office, sent Phil home, and took a taxi to Harry’s.
Chapter 28
Raul
My phone buzzed, letting me know I had an email. I checked it, and it was the one I’d waited almost two months to receive. Tanya had agreed to meet with me at a bar in the hotel where I was staying while in New York.
