“Tomorrow? Or do you have plans? Is Sunday better?” She fires questions at me.
“Whenever is fine.”
“Tomorrow, then.”
They both look at me with smiles and I force one back.
I don’t tell them that tomorrow never comes. It’s yesterday and today, that’s all we ever really have.
Chapter Ten
The mall is large and nice, with the kinds of stores I would normally be more than eager to shop in. Today, they look like empty promises full of false happiness.
“What do you think of this?”
I turn around and find my mom holding up a floral dress.
I wrinkle my nose. “It’s not really my style.”
Her face falls and she looks from the dress to me. “What do you mean? You used to would have loved this.”
I shrug. “I don’t know. It just looks like a bit much.”
She looks at the dress again and puts it back. “I guess you’re right. It is pretty bright and the pattern has a lot going on.”
I move through the store, letting my fingers skim the fabric of items I pass.
I pluck a few t-shirts, a sweater, and a pair of jeans with patches off racks and counters. “I’m going to go try this stuff on.”
My mom looks over her shoulder at the clothes I’m holding. “Okay. I’ll be looking. Shoot me a text if you want my opinion on anything.”
I nod and head to the dressing rooms. I close and lock the door behind me, dumping the items on the bench inside.
I exhale a breath as I stare at the items. It isn’t much, hardly anything compared to what I’d normally try on, but it all feels so needless now.
Anxiety punches a hole in my chest and I feel the rush of sadness hit me out of nowhere.
I feel sad a lot about Luna, about my inability to be the best sister possible to her, that I couldn’t fucking save her.
But then there are moments like these where the emotions hit me so deeply, ripping into my chest, that I feel like it’s going to smother me.
I back into the mirror, clutching my chest.
My breaths leave me in short inhales and sharp exhales, the air hissing between my lips.
Tears burn my eyes as I sink to the floor, wrapping my arms around my legs. My lips tremble as I sob and memories assault my mind.
“Where are you going?” Luna asks, sitting on the edge of my unmade bed.
“Beck is picking me up and we’re going to the lake.”
Her face brightens in the reflection of the mirror where I gaze, fiddling with my bikini top and making sure my necklace lays just right.
“Can I come?” She bounces where she sits.
I turn around with a frown, shaking my head. “Sorry, Luna. It’s a high school thing.”
“Oh.” Her face falls. “I don’t belong. I’m sorry.”
I bend down, searching for my flip-flops on the floor. “I’ll take you next weekend. Just me and you. What do you think?”
She worries her bottom lip between her teeth. “Forget about it. I-I have homework to do.”
I can sense her shutting down, retreating into herself. “You know I love you, Moon. If I could bring you, I would, but there will be beer and God knows what else. It’s not going to be what you’re expecting.”
Luna’s young and her development even younger than her age. The last thing I want to do is expose her to teens doing drugs, drinking, and having sex in parked cars. Someone might take advantage of her and I don’t want to have to babysit her all night.
“I know.” She exhales a sigh, twisting her hands together—a sure sign she’s feeling uncomfortable.
“I love you.” I kiss the top of her head. “I have to go.” I pause in my doorway and look back at her. “Next weekend, I promise. Just us.”
She looks down at her worn sneakers skimming the floor and nods, not looking at me. The sight of her breaks my heart and I walk over to her, bending down on my knees and forcing her to look at me.
“Hey, whatever happens you know I have your back, always, right?”
She twists her lips together, her eyes shifting. “Y-Yeah.”
“Good.” I smile and pat her knee before standing.
I make it to the hallway before she whispers my name. “Violet?”
“Yeah?” I peek inside at her, her sad eyes meet mine, slightly crossed. I wonder for a moment if I should cancel my plans, but just then my phone vibrates with a text from Beck letting me know she’s here.
“Whatever happens, you’ll always love me, right?”
“Always, Lu-Lu-Bug.”
I snap back to reality, my face wet with tears.
You’ll always love me, right?
She knew what she was going to do and I was too dumb to see it. I’m sure she’d decided before then. I don’t think for a minute her decision came because I didn’t take her with me. No, I think Luna, like with everything in her life, rolled the dice to see where it landed.
If I had said yes and taken her with me, she wouldn’t have done it, maybe at all, or maybe just not that day, but I said no and sealed her fate.
I would give anything to go back to that day, to stay home with her, but I didn’t and now I’m stuck with that choice.
“Violet?” I hear my mom call into the dressing room.
I scurry to my feet, drying my face with the backs of my hands. Thank God I don’t wear makeup like I used to or else my entire face would be streaked with mascara.
“I-I’m here.” My voice is thick with tears as I unlock the dressing room door.
Her eyes land on me and her face falls. “Oh, Vi.”
“Mommy,” I cry out, and dive into her arms. I don’t even remember the last time I called her that but in this moment I need my mommy not my mom.
She wraps me in her arms, rocking me back and forth. “I know, sweetie. I know.” She sniffles, exhaling a shaky breath. After a minute she pulls away, but only slightly, and takes my face in her hands. “I know your father and I haven’t done the best talking to you about … about your sister, but honey, you can come to us anytime. We’re grieving too and we shouldn’t shut each other out.”
She hugs me against her once more and I clutch her fabric in my fists, never wanting to let go.
“Will this ever get any easier?”
She shakes her head against me. “No, I wish it would. The pain will always be there, but one day, maybe, I hope at least, it won’t be as bad. But we’ll always miss her. Luna was the light we needed and now that she’s gone…”
“We’re fumbling through the darkness,” I finish for her.
“Exactly.” She smiles sadly, letting me go. “Let’s find your dad and go home.”
We hold each other as we walk out, leaving the clothes behind in the dressing room. After all, they’re not what matters, it’s the people by your side who do.
Chapter Eleven
The monotony of school is already wearing on me and it’s only been a month. This doesn’t bode well for the rest of the school year.
“I’m really starting to think you like me.”
I fight a smile as I look up from Beowulf—our latest reading assignment—and find Mr. Rochester looking back at me from his desk.
“Seriously, you deserve a better friend than a washed up fifty-something English teacher. Wouldn’t you rather socialize with kids your age in the morning instead of me?”
“Aw, don’t diss yourself Mr. R. You’re the coolest.”
He scoffs. “And you’re full of shit.”
“I just want to do my work, graduate, and move on. I don’t have time for friends.”
And yet I can’t stop watching the boy next-door gaze through his telescope every night or revel in the brief glimpses I get of him through our bedroom windows.
“You might be the most intelligent seventeen-year-old I know.”
“Most of them are pretty stupid, so it’s not hard to be smarter.”
He laughs, a boisterous belly laugh. “Have you consi
dered joining a club?”
I make a face of disgust. “No.” I might have considered it briefly before, but since school has started I don’t relish the idea of it.
“Really?” He raises a brow. “I think you should.”
I snort. “No.”
“Even if me, your favorite teacher, is in charge?”
I hesitate, pulling my bottom lip between my teeth. “What is it?”
“Theatre club.” Before I can protest he grabs a flyer from his desk and gets up, handing it to me. “First meeting is this Friday. We’re doing Beauty and the Beast this year. I encourage you to audition, but you can always work building sets, and doing other behind the scenes stuff.”
I look over the sheet of paper in my hands. “I’ll think about it.”
He grins. “I’m thrilled to hear you’re going to do it.”
“Mr. Rochester I—”
“Friday, three o’clock in the auditorium, don’t be late. You know I hate tardiness.” The bell rings and his smile disappears, in its place is his stoic frown and downturned brows. “The idiots have been unleashed.”
* * *
“How has your day been?” I ask Finn, sitting down beside him in the grass. I shuck my backpack off and dig out my lunch.
He doesn’t answer, merely giving me a raised brow. Even though it’s been a month I don’t think Finn completely trusts me yet. That’s fine. It’ll be all the more worth it once he does.
“I don’t know about you, but I’m already dying to go home. Calculus wears me out.”
His brows furrow in confusion. “Why? It’s easy.”
I look at him in surprise. “Then you should be my tutor, because I suck at it.”
He shrugs, picking up his ham sandwich. I don’t know whether the shrug is meant to be a yes, no, or maybe. But it’s progress, so I’ll take it.
I rest my back against the brick exterior and take a bite of apple. The sun is bright, but already the trees are starting to change colors. Soon, fall will be here and with it cold weather. I’m not used to the cold and I’m definitely not looking forward to it.
“What’s your favorite subject?” I ask him, not expecting an answer.
“Astronomy.”
“I didn’t know that was taught here.” I look at him in confusion.
“It’s not.” He picks a blade of grass, twirling it between his fingers.
“Oh … um…”
“I take it at the community college. I … I like the stars … space. Planets. All of it. There’s more to the world than this.” He swings his hand, encompassing the green grass, thick trees, and blue skies.
“I like stars too,” I admit quietly. “They remind me of my sister.”
“You don’t have a sister.”
I smile briefly at his bluntness. Finn observes the world and reacts. He doesn’t think about tactfulness.
“Not anymore,” I sigh, glancing up at the sky.
Finn looks down at his knees, then slowly swings his gaze to me. “I’m sorry?” It comes out as a question, like he’s not sure it’s the right response.
“Thanks.” I tuck a piece of hair behind my ear.
I startle when Finn’s fingers touch my cheek. It’s the softest graze, but I feel it all the way down to my toes. His blue eyes hold mine for a solid five seconds. I think it’s the longest we’ve ever made eye contact.
“You love her still.”
“I’ll always love her.”
“Hmm,” he muses, sitting back and his fingers fall from my cheek. “Love is weird.”
“Love is magical,” I counter with a soft laugh.
His lips downturn and he tilts his face to the sky. “I wouldn’t know.”
“Surely, you love your parents?”
He shakes his head. “My dad left when I was little and my mom…” He exhales a heavy breath. “She wants to fix me. Everyone wants to fix me.”
“I don’t want to fix you.”
“Why?”
“Because,” I study his profile, his floppy dark hair and glasses, sharp nose, and full lips, “you’re you, and that’s beautiful. Besides, fixing something implies it’s broken. You’re not broken.”
Just then, the bell rings and we’re forced to clean up and head in separate directions for our free period.
But I can’t stop thinking about the look on his face when I said who he is, is beautiful. He was surprised, full of wonder, and it makes me sad that he can’t see that his differences only make him unique.
Chapter Twelve
“Am I really going to do this?” I mutter to myself, pacing the halls as students leave for the day.
It’s not too late for me to go outside, hop on my bike, and leave.
There’s no reason for me to actually be considering this. My mom was right, if I’m not going to cheer, why would I do this?
“Ah, Ms. Page. I knew you’d come to your senses and decide to join us. The auditorium is this way.”
I jump at Mr. Rochester’s voice and he pauses, cocking his head to the side. “You weren’t planning to just stand in the hallway all afternoon, right? People might think you’re crazy.”
“Uh…”
“Good. Follow me.”
With no choice but to follow my insane English teacher I end up in the auditorium. Students are already gathered, more than I expected—at least thirty—and I search for a seat.
My eyes stop when I notice Finn sitting on an aisle seat with Jack lying on the floor beside him. As if he senses me he looks up and then away, but I’m even more surprised when he moves his backpack out of the seat beside him and then nods his head to it, offering me to join him.
My heart swells as I move down the aisle and take a seat beside him.
“Thanks,” I whisper.
“Welcome.” He presses a finger to his lips, looking at the stage stoically but I swear a muscle in his cheek twitches like he’s trying not to smile.
Mr. Rochester hops up on stage, letting his legs dangle over the edge.
“Welcome, peasants.” He claps his hands. “Some of you are returning and some of you are new.” He nods at me. “But you’re here nonetheless. Theatre club is more than just a pastime. We’re family.” Some of the kids clap. “This year’s production will be Beauty and the Beast. We have a lot of work to do to prepare before spring this year. There’s casting, prop building, costumes, and makeup. I hope you all are ready, I only expect the best, and if you half-ass it you’re out.” He points to the exit. “Most importantly, I do this for fun. Don’t fucking ruin it for me, okay, dumbasses?”
We all nod.
“I’m going to pass out the script and I want you guys to partner up and run lines.”
I raise my hand. “Yes, Ms. Page?”
“What if we don’t want to try out?”
“Did I say anything about trying out? I said to partner up and read it. So do it.”
I bite my lip, suppressing a laugh. “Yes, sir.”
He stares at us a moment longer. “What are you waiting for? A fucking parade? Get to it.” He claps loudly.
“Uh … sir,” a guy up front voices, “you didn’t give us the script.”
“Oh, fuck. Right.” He grabs a stack of papers beside him and passes them out.
Once Finn and I each have a script I turn in my seat to face him. “Partners?”
“Sure.”
I start out as Belle and he takes the role of Gaston, while we alternate the secondary characters.
“You’re really good at this,” I remark. Finn becomes a whole new person as he recites the lines. He’s completely into it, and no pun intended, theatrical.
He gives me a small, sheepish smile. “My mom forced me to join—she thought I needed to socialize more. I found I actually like it—but don’t tell her that,” he jokes. “Why are you here? Do you like theatre?”
“Mr. Rochester wanted me to join, so here I am.”
“He tends to get what he wants.” Finn flips to the next page of the script, rea
ding it over.
“Do you work behind the scenes or will you try for a part?”
“I usually have a small role. Mr. Rochester knows I don’t like attention, so I’m usually just a background cast.”
“Hmm,” I hum.
“What?” He pushes his glasses up where they’ve slipped down.
“Maybe you should.”
“Should what?”
I crack a smile. “Try for a bigger part.”
He actually mulls over my words. “I might. I don’t have anything to lose. Not anymore.”
“What do you mean?”
“In less than a year this place will be nothing but a memory. I can move on with my life. Be anything I want to be, and not what people think I am.”
“What do people think you are?” I probe, wanting insight into his mind.
Finn acts like the stares and whispers don’t bother him, but clearly they do.
“They call me a freak. A monster. Like I’m less than human, less than them.”
My heart fractures inside my chest. “You’re more than they’ll ever be.”
“Sometimes I think they’re right.” He exhales a heavy sigh.
“They’re not.”
He looks at me doubtfully. “It’s your turn, Belle.”
“Right.” I duck my head to the script and begin reciting my lines since it’s clear he wants to change the subject.
After an hour Mr. Rochester dismisses us with orders to return the following Friday.
“There are only a few weeks where we only meet once a week. Then it moves to several times a week,” Finn explains, pushing the doors open to the outside.
“I guess it’s a good thing I don’t have anything else to do,” I joke, but Finn looks hurt. “I was joking, Finn. I actually liked it. I want to come back.”
“Oh, okay.”
“I’ll see you,” I tell him as we head our separate ways.
I hop on my bike and ride home. The breeze lifts my hair around my shoulders and I soak in the warmth, knowing in a few short weeks it’ll be gone. I take the long way home and grab a smoothie, passing by the bookstore as I do. I haven’t been back since the first time, and even though I want to return I haven’t. It felt like a sign then, like Luna was guiding me, and I’m scared if I go back I won’t have that same feeling.
Whatever Happens Page 5
