CHAPTER XIV
_Our Baron excels Baron Tott beyond all comparison, yet fails in part ofhis attempt--Gets into disgrace with the Grand Seignior, who orders hishead to be cut off--Escapes, and gets on board a vessel, in which he iscarried to Venice--Baron Tott's origin, with some account of thatgreat man's parents--Pope Ganganelli's amour--His Holiness fond ofshell-fish._
Baron de Tott, in his Memoirs, makes as great a parade of a singleact as many travellers whose whole lives have been spent in seeing thedifferent parts of the globe; for my part, if I had been blown fromEurope to Asia from the mouth of a cannon, I should have boasted lessof it afterwards than he has done of only firing off a Turkish piece ofordnance. What he says of this wonderful gun, as near as my memory willserve me, is this:--"The Turks had placed below the castle, and near thecity, on the banks of Simois, a celebrated river, an enormous pieceof ordnance cast in brass, which would carry a marble ball of elevenhundred pounds weight. I was inclined," says Tott, "to fire it, but Iwas willing first to judge of its effect; the crowd about me trembled atthis proposal, as they asserted it would overthrow not only the castle,but the city also; at length their fears in part subsided, and I waspermitted to discharge it. It required not less than three hundredand thirty pounds' weight of powder, and the ball weighed, as beforementioned, eleven hundredweight. When the engineer brought the priming,the crowds who were about me retreated back as fast as they could; nay,it was with the utmost difficulty I persuaded the Pacha, who came onpurpose, there was no danger: even the engineer who was to dischargeit by my direction was considerably alarmed. I took my stand on somestone-work behind the cannon, gave the signal, and felt a shock likethat of earthquake! At the distance of three hundred fathom the ballburst into three pieces; the fragments crossed the strait, rebounded onthe opposite mountain, and left the surface of the water all in a foamthrough the whole breadth of the channel."
This, gentlemen, is, as near as I can recollect, Baron Tott's accountof the largest cannon in the known world. Now, when I was there not longsince, the anecdote of Tott's firing this tremendous piece was mentionedas a proof of that gentleman's extraordinary courage.
I was determined not to be outdone by a Frenchman, therefore took thisvery piece upon my shoulder, and, after balancing it properly, jumpedinto the sea with it, and swam to the opposite shore, from whence Iunfortunately attempted to throw it back into its former place. I sayunfortunately, for it slipped a little in my hand just as I was about todischarge it, and in consequence of that it fell into the middle of thechannel, where it now lies, without a prospect of ever recovering it:and notwithstanding the high favour I was in with the Grand Seignior,as before mentioned, this cruel Turk, as soon as he heard of the loss ofhis famous piece of ordnance, issued an order to cut off my head. Iwas immediately informed of it by one of the Sultanas, with whom I wasbecome a great favourite, and she secreted me in her apartment while theofficer charged with my execution was, with his assistants, in search ofme.
That very night I made my escape on board a vessel bound to Venice,which was then weighing anchor to proceed on her voyage.
The last story, gentlemen, I am not fond of mentioning, as I miscarriedin the attempt, and was very near losing my life into the bargain:however, as it contains no impeachment of my honour, I would notwithhold it from you.
Now, gentlemen, you all know me, and can have no doubt of my veracity.I will entertain you with the origin of this same swaggering, bouncingTott.
His reputed father was a native of Berne, in Switzerland; his professionwas that of a surveyor of the streets, lanes, and alleys, vulgarlycalled a scavenger. His mother was a native of the mountains of Savoy,and had a most beautiful large wen on her neck, common to both sexes inthat part of the world; she left her parents when young, and sought herfortune in the same city which gave his father birth; she maintainedherself while single by acts of kindness to our sex, for she never wasknown to refuse them any favour they asked, provided they did but payher some compliment beforehand. This lovely couple met by accidentin the street, in consequence of their being both intoxicated, for byreeling to one centre they threw each other down; this created mutualabuse, in which they were complete adepts; they were both carried to thewatch-house, and afterwards to the house of correction; they soon sawthe folly of quarrelling, made it up, became fond of each other, andmarried; but madam returning to her old tricks, his father, who had highnotions of honour, soon separated himself from her; she then joined afamily who strolled about with a puppet-show. In time she arrived atRome, where she kept an oyster-stand. You have all heard, no doubt ofPope Ganganelli, commonly called Clement XIV.: he was remarkably fond ofoysters. One Good Friday, as he was passing through this famous city instate, to assist at high mass at St. Peter's Church, he saw this woman'soysters (which were remarkably fine and fresh); he could not proceedwithout tasting them. There were about five thousand people in histrain; he ordered them all to stop, and sent word to the church he couldnot attend mass till next day; then alighting from his horse (for thePope always rides on horseback upon these occasions) he went into herstall, and ate every oyster she had there, and afterwards retired intothe cellar where she had a few more. This subterraneous apartment washer kitchen, parlour, and bed-chamber. He liked his situation so muchthat he discharged all his attendants, and to make short of the story,His Holiness passed the whole night there! Before they parted he gaveher absolution, not only for every sin she had, but all she mighthereafter commit.
_Now, gentlemen, I have his mother's word for it (and her honour cannotbe doubted), that Baron Tott is the fruit of that amour. When Tott wasborn, his mother applied to His Holiness, as the father of her child; heimmediately placed him under the proper people, and as he grew up gavehim a gentleman's education, had him taught the use of arms, procuredhim promotion in France, and a title, and when he died he left him agood estate._
The Surprising Adventures of Baron Munchausen Page 16
