by Kip Nelson
“Of course I can, Dad. It’s not your fault. I’m sorry if you’ve ever felt like I’ve blamed you for anything. I know it was Mom’s fault that she left us and that was her choice. I guess it was easy to get angry at you because you were the one who stayed. I never thanked you for that. You’ve done more than any other dad would do to keep us safe. I know we wouldn’t be here without you. I love you, Dad, and I want to be just like you when I’m older,” Brent said.
Those words made Darren swell with pride. He and his family never had been that good at sharing feelings, and these revelations brought up a lot of dormant emotions. He’d always known that Brent loved him, of course, but to hear the words being spoken brought about a new sensation within him. Tears welled in his eyes once more and he felt them cascade along the curve of his cheeks. Brent turned away, wiping his eyes quickly, trying to get rid of the tears before they appeared.
“Can I say something?” Betsy interrupted with a meek voice.
She stepped forward, with her head bowed submissively and her arms still folded across her chest. The corners of her mouth twitched into a nervous smile and her gaze darted between Brent and Darren, feeling reluctant to interrupt this emotional moment between father and son.
“Of course,” Darren said in an enthusiastic voice, encouraging the young woman to continue.
“I know I’ve said thank you before for taking in Tara and me, but I really do mean it. Our lives haven’t been the same since we came here, and I mean that in a good way. Even before the world changed and we were forced to go on the run we never had good role models as parents. Mom was busy having an affair and Dad was never around. I didn’t know what it was like to be a part of a loving home, and then when Bill took over it was…” she shuddered, unable to continue.
“But then we came across the three of you. And I have to admit that when we first met, I was scared of you. I thought you were going to be just the same as my dad, but you haven’t been. You’ve taught us skills. You’ve treated us like members of your family. And you’ve given us hope that there might actually be a life waiting for us, and that we can be better than we are.
“I know Tara feels the same way, although obviously she can’t express it the same way I can. But I just want to thank you again for giving us a home. We never had that great of a dad. And even though you’re not technically ours, we still consider you our dad, if that’s alright and doesn’t make things too weird,” she finished, the last few words rolling out of her mouth quickly, driven by nerves.
Betsy’s cheeks flushed red with embarrassment, but Darren was touched by her words. He smiled warmly at her and walked over to her, placing his hands upon her shoulders.
“Betsy, that means the world to me. I’m glad I’ve been able to do right by you and make you and Tara feel safe and loved. Of course it’s alright, because I already think of you as my children. I have since you first decided to stay,” he said.
Betsy flung her arms around him and he felt her wet tears against the nape of his neck. He held her tightly and stayed that way for a long time, until she was ready to let go. He’d been mostly focused on making sure Tara and Michelle were safe. It was easy to forget that Betsy still was young in the grand scheme of things and had emotional needs as well.
When they extricated themselves, Darren took in a deep breath and wiped his eyes. He was feeling exhausted from the night’s events, both physically and emotionally, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep. There was too much on his mind, and he was too afraid the mountain lions would return.
“Let’s get this job finished,” he said, and they continued their work.
Betsy and Brent took on the responsibility of digging a grave outside, while Darren had the morbid task of cleaning the body and the ground around it. The first thing he had to do was to seal the wound, for blood continued seeping out. Betsy was better with a needle, but Darren wouldn’t ask her to do this.
“Well, JR, I’m really sorry this happened, but I did warn you. I guess you went out doing God’s work, though, so maybe you’re in a better place now. I wish I could speak to you again. I wanted to thank you for everything you did for me and my family. You helped us talk about things we might not have been able to talk about with each other. And I’ve got to say that it was good having another responsible adult around. I wish you could have stayed longer. I’m sorry that I wasn’t able to save you. I know you were always skittish around the mountain lions. You were a brave man to try helping the mother. There aren’t many braver than you.”
Darren reached over and brushed his hands over the preacher’s face. JR’s eyes were closed. Darren took the cloth and wiped the wound, and then stitched it together with some thread. It was a very basic stitch, but it did the job at closing the wound.
The blood that had pooled around JR’s body was as thick as oil, and there didn’t seem a hope of him having enough material to soak it up. What he needed was a massive sponge, but anything he had was inadequate. It was a grim thought, but he suspected he might have to leave the blood there to dry. Even collecting it in bottles and taking it outside would have taken far too long.
The farmhouse was becoming a better prospect by the second. Even though this cave had given them shelter when they needed it and had a lot of sentimental value attached, it was becoming more difficult to justify staying there. With the ground covered in blood it was more like a haunted house than a cave.
He walked outside and saw Betsy and Brent jump away from each other when they heard him coming. The two of them evidently had been comforting each other and sharing their affection. Although they hadn’t been openly affectionate with each other, their blossoming romance was an open secret. At least Darren considered it so.
He remembered what it was like to be their age and smirked to himself, assuming they thought they were being far more secretive than they actually were. Of course, the feelings they had for each other were hard to miss for an adult. He doubted that Tara and Michelle had picked up on anything, but to him the attraction was undeniable. It wasn’t hard to understand why they had been drawn to each other, and Darren had no problems with it. The two of them were well-suited and it was only natural that they should seek out romantic affection in such dire circumstances. Indeed, there was a part of him that envied them and wished he had the same chance.
Despite the wicked part of him being tempted to tease them about it, he merely smiled at them and didn’t make any mention of it. Life was hard enough without him getting in the way. Both of them were blushing and acted awkwardly, so they weren’t doing a good job of hiding their clandestine relationship anyway. They picked up the shovels and started to get back to work. Darren didn’t say anything to them. Instead, he picked up some roots, bracken, and dry leaves, and carried an armful back into the cave. Once there, he deposited it down around the blood, hoping that the new material would soak up some of the red liquid. If not, at least it covered it from sight. He did this a few times, having to adjust the position of JR’s body every time he covered a new area, but eventually the small red lake had been covered up and it made it a much better sight for Tara and Michelle.
Darren rubbed his hands together, glad that he had accomplished something of value. JR’s body lolled against an upright rock and Darren tried not to stare. It wasn’t the first body he had come across, mores the pity, but it was the first friend that he’d had to bury. As he stared at JR’s body death seemed odd to him. He asked himself why it was that consciousness just stopped when too much damage was inflicted upon the body. Sadly, the person who might have been able to answer his questions about the meaning of life and death was JR.
Maybe the whole point was that he never would get answers. Life always had given him something to search for. When he had been a young man, he had wanted to know his purpose. When he was older, he had wanted to know how to be successful. When he was older still, he had wanted to know what made a good father, a good husband, a good man. And more recently he had wondered why bad things
happened to good people. Maybe everyone had to find their own answers. He hoped that JR had found some semblance of peace and sense before he died.
Chapter Eleven
They continued working throughout the night and stopped just before dawn. Betsy and Brent grew tired quickly and retreated to bed for a few hours of sleep, but Darren couldn’t bring himself to fall asleep. He still was worried that the mountain lions would return.
Now that he had had a few hours to calm down he regretted how angry he’d been when he’d struck out at the mountain lions. Darren didn’t consider himself a man of violence and didn’t want to be the kind of man who was prone to outbursts. He was afraid that he had made an enemy that day, and that the mountain lions never would forget how he had driven them from their sanctuary. Of course he felt justified because they had killed his friend, but the animals wouldn’t be aware of that.
Darren yawned and sat by the fire, watching the flames dance before his eyes. The children were sleeping peacefully, and silence reigned. His eyelids grew heavy with each blink and he could feel himself succumbing to the warmth. Every time he felt himself nodding off he jerked himself awake and slapped his face a few times, telling himself that he would sleep in the afternoon when Brent was well-rested.
Darren couldn’t remember the last time he’d had this much time on his hands, yet he felt more drained than when he had been working two jobs. That life seemed so far away. He wondered if any of his colleagues had managed to make it this far in the world. He even thought about the drunken man he’d picked up while working when the power went out, and the other things he’d seen in the city. He remembered traveling, back on that first night, braving the dangers of the city. He remembered the riots, the time in the store when a group of hunters almost had killed him, and the street that had given itself into a lustful frenzy.
He remembered how scared he had been that he might not even make it back to Brent and Michelle, and the relief he felt when he emerged from the gauntlet and returned home. At the time he had been panicked and the only thought in his mind was to get out of the city and come out here, where it was safe.
So far, he thought himself largely vindicated. The biggest dangers had come from nature, and once winter had passed and spring blossomed the world would be easier to tame for a few months. They could prepare better this time and the next winter hopefully would go by more quickly. That was the hope, anyway.
Eventually, morning arrived and the children yawned and stretched out their arms. Darren rubbed the tiredness from his eyes and, in an effort to keep himself awake, took them the breakfast he’d made. His limbs were heavy, and his mind was leaden, but he forced himself to smile.
He noticed how Tara and Michelle’s gaze immediately turned toward JR and the layer of leaves and bracken that now covered the ground. Darren had placed JR flat on his back with his arms crossed over his chest, and his eyes closed. He had a peaceful look on his face now. The girls went up to him and looked at him with interest. It was the first time they ever had seen a dead body, of course; yet another experience that threatened to destroy their innocence. Darren wasn’t about to stop them from looking. He couldn’t hide them from the truth of the world any longer.
But, he didn’t have to encourage morbid scenes. He clapped his hands and gestured for them to join him and come around the fire. They tore themselves away from JR.
“Is he going to stay there the whole time?” Michelle asked as she shoved a handful of nuts into her mouth.
“No, we’re going to bury him outside and lay him to rest,” Darren explained.
“Why?” Michelle asked nonchalantly.
“Well, because that’s the way things are done.”
“But why? Maybe he’d like to stay here with us.”
Darren puckered his lips to stop himself from smiling. It always was interesting to see what questions children could conjure from their minds. Michelle had a habit of asking the type of things that challenged him as a parent.
“Well, you see, Michelle, you know when you leave food out for a long time it goes rotten?” Michelle nodded. “The same thing happens with human bodies. So, we put them in the ground to make sure they don’t go rotten and make us ill.”
“But some people like to be burned,” Brent said, his eyes gleaming as he stared into the fire.
“What?” Michelle said in awe.
“They get turned to ash and dust. That’s how I’d want to go. No, actually, I’d want to be shot into space and drift around the cosmos for eternity, or be buried at sea, like a pirate,” Brent added.
“I want to be like a pirate!” Michelle cried out, always eager to imitate her big brother. Tara nodded along enthusiastically, purely because she wanted to be like her friend. Betsy placed a hand on Brent’s arm and scolded him quietly for being a bad influence on the young girls.
“There’s no need for you to think about any of that just yet,” Darren said. “Hopefully, you won’t have to think about it for a long, long time. But once you’ve finished breakfast, we’re going to have a funeral and say a proper goodbye to JR.”
That brought the mood down a little. Once the girls had finished breakfast Darren instructed Betsy to take them out to find some flowers they could put in JR’s grave. While the girls were doing that, Darren and Brent would take the body to the grave. Darren was taking the legs, while Brent hooked his hands under the minister’s arms. JR’s body was slack and both men grunted loudly, picking up JR’s body on the count of three.
Brent’s face immediately went red and they both struggled to lift JR off the ground.
“I never realized people were this heavy,” he wheezed through gritted teeth.
“We should just count ourselves lucky that JR was a slim man,” Darren replied.
They carried JR out, his body swinging like a hammock between them, and transported him to the grave that had been dug the previous night. It was a shallow grave, but Darren couldn’t fault Betsy and Brent too much.
“It seemed deeper last night,” Brent commented when he saw it, looking disappointed in his work.
“It’ll do the job just fine,” Darren said.
With another count of three they tossed the body unceremoniously into the grave. It wasn’t a delicate procedure and he wished they could have been gentler, but they had to throw the body into the grave like trash into a dumpster. JR’s corpse landed with a thud and his limbs went askew. Darren’s forehead dripped with sweat and there was a knot in his back, but he climbed down into the grave and arranged JR so he had a modicum of respect, once again placing his hands over his chest in a symbol of prayer. His face looked up to Heaven, and Darren hoped JR was looking down at them and blessing them for the future.
A few moments later the girls returned with some flowers. They skipped back, but when they saw Brent and Darren standing there with somber looks on their faces the girls slowed their pace, and seemed to realize they had to temper their enthusiasm and wonder. They didn’t fully understand the traditions that informed this behavior, but the mood was palpable and it was easy for them to understand they should be quiet and solemn.
They had brought enough flowers for everyone, and dutifully handed them out. Darren instructed them to place the flowers into the grave. One by one, starting with Tara, and ending with Darren, the Dawkins family let the flowers fall into the grave. JR’s body was surrounded with color, and one flower fell against his hands, making it appear that he was holding it to his breast.
One by one, they passed by the grave. When they all had placed their flowers, they stood around the grave and stared down at JR. The morning air was chilly, made even more so by the melancholy occasion.
“I stand here a sad and frustrated man. JR was the minister. He would have been much more suited to speak on this occasion, but I shall try to do my best. His death was a tragedy and something that I’ll always regret not preventing. He died trying to alleviate the suffering of one of God’s creatures, and I think it’s important we remember that
about him. We didn’t know JR for very long, but I think I speak for all of us when I say he made a great impact on our lives. He came to us when we were troubled and offered us some solace. He was a good man with a kind heart, and I am proud to call him a friend.
“When he arrived I am ashamed to say that I viewed him with suspicion. I was so quick to protect my family that I did not think about my wider responsibility to other people. I hid from him and almost wished him away, but JR stayed and convinced me to take a chance to bring him into our home. He made friends with all of us and was a valuable ally in our war against the world. I never will forget him, and I only hope that in death he has gained peace and is where he belongs, with the rest of the saints, by his Lord’s side.
“JR, if you can hear me, I want to thank you for everything you have done for us. And I want to apologize that I wasn’t able to rescue you. I swore an oath to myself that I always would try protecting my family from the dangers of the world, but I was not able to protect you.”
Darren inhaled deeply and blinked back the tears forming in his eyes, although a few slipped past his manly defense and rolled down his cheeks. He wiped them away with a swift brush of his hand.
“Would anyone else care to say anything?” he asked, his voice cracking with emotion. The four children looked at each other and then Michelle stepped forward to the very edge of the grave and peered down upon JR’s body.
“Goodbye, JR,” she said simply.
Her voice was so small and innocent. It was as though she was saying goodbye to a lifelong friend. Darren wasn’t sure why it struck at his heart, but it did, and his body shuddered as tears poured down his cheeks. The other children joined Michelle, stepping up to the grave and saying their goodbyes as well. It took a few moments for them to realize that Darren was crying, for he tried keeping his emotions hidden. They didn’t say anything, but they did come up to him and hug him in turn.
