by Maisey Yates
It’s actually not unreasonable for him to not want to move in with you.
She knew that. But she had said that she loved him and he hadn’t said anything back. And she hadn’t said it again since.
And you were willing to accept something different, remember?
Except, it turned out that actually what she really wanted was for him to be in love with her.
But she would continue to see him. Of course she would.
Because their relationship was good in so many other ways, and it was grounding and...
She stood in the center of that apartment, frozen.
And what would happen if she was really alone? If she had to face the town, completely unprotected by her relationship with Dylan’s family, and even with their censure rolling through the community. If she had to go on without her friendship with Laz, without him sharing her bed.
If she was just a woman who lived alone, and had to cope with herself and any potential demons...
What was she?
And when Laz came up with the last box, she turned to face him. “We can’t keep sleeping together,” she said.
He stopped. “We can’t?”
“No. So if you moved me here to have easy access to me, bad news.”
“Why can’t we?”
“Because I love you. But I don’t need to be in a relationship with you to keep myself safe from heroin, or whatever it is I’ve been thinking all of my life about all of these relationships that I have. I denied my first instinct with you, because I didn’t trust my instincts at all. I was so sure that they were going to land me in a bad spot that I... That I denied them. And I denied myself. But Laz, I’m not doing that anymore. I love you. Like as more than a friend. But I don’t want to accept a half-life where we don’t have a future. I thought that I could. I thought that I could sleep with you and do the friends with benefits thing and that that would be enough.
“But it isn’t. And hanging on to that is just something I’m doing out of fear. Because I don’t know what my life looks like if you’re not in it. Because I’m afraid of who I’ll become, but I can’t stay with people for that reason. Not anymore. I’ve done too much of that. I’m not going to do it anymore. Not for you. And not for anyone.”
“Jordan...”
“No. I made a lot of mistakes with Dylan, not least of which was letting it get to our wedding day, and then running away rather than having a conversation with him. But I’m not doing that anymore. The one brave thing buried in all those cowardly decisions that I made was I was willing to change my life. Willing to dramatically change it. And I still am. But I need you to be willing to meet me halfway. I can’t do this. Because I’ve already done the relationship where I make all the compromises because I might be broken.”
“It’s not you who’s broken.”
“You’re not broken either. But you’re going to have to decide to be whole, I can’t decide that for you. Any more than Dylan could decide it for me, and you can’t make a relationship work with someone that dedicated to living in their pain. Believe me. I know.” She looked around the room. “So thank you for the apartment. I will pay rent on it. And I’ll still... Speak to you. And be your friend. But I can’t be in between. I just can’t. I love you too much to let either of us accept that.”
She blinked. “You didn’t want to ask me not to marry him because you were afraid you were being selfish. Well, I’m asking you to change. For me. And maybe I am being selfish, but maybe it needs to be said.”
“I can’t,” he said.
He looked tortured. He looked like he wanted to say yes, but couldn’t. And for the life of her, Jordan couldn’t understand that.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
“Me too,” she whispered.
Laz set the box down, turned and walked out of the apartment. And she somehow knew when he closed the door, he wouldn’t be opening it again.
Jordan stared blankly ahead. But she didn’t want French fries. And she didn’t want a milkshake. And she didn’t want to drive aimlessly for hours while she decided what to do.
She’d made her decision. And she knew she made the right one. Because while she had kept herself on a short leash, doubted her instincts and always secretly believed that she was a bad person inside, waiting to come out and ruin everything she’d built, she just...didn’t think that anymore. She was a woman. One who deserved everything. One who deserved love, one who deserved to feel confident in her decisions.
She was a woman taking a risk.
A woman who was trying to put herself on the road to having everything.
And if she had to take this risk to get there, then so be it.
And even though she was left bereft and sad, and so lonely feeling, she also felt more resolute than she ever had before.
Because she was no longer a prisoner of those words her father had spoken to her all those years ago.
She was free. And with freedom came some pain that she wished would go away. But she hoped she’d be able to overcome.
But in that pain, in that moment came clarity.
She was Jordan Whitfield. And she was not going to be defined by the words of other people. She was going to define herself. Going to define her own life.
And she was going to stand on her own two feet. Because that was the strength that Laz had given her.
Because he had shown her that shelters existed that could expand to accommodate her. And even though that was the gift that had broken them apart, it was also the gift that had made her strong enough to ask for what they both needed.
Now all she had to do was have faith.
And since Laz had always felt like fate, she had to trust that in the end it would work out okay.
A lot of trust for a woman who had never really seen it work out before. She knew how hard life could be.
But she wanted to know just how beautiful it would be.
And this was the only way.
CHAPTER SEVEN
LAZ WAS IN a foul temper, and he wasn’t in the mood to talk to any of his bar patrons, which he knew was a big no-no, but he didn’t much care. He shouldn’t be at the bar. Not if he couldn’t get it together.
“Another drink.”
He turned around and tried to force a smile, only to see West Caldwell standing there, along with Ryder Daniels and Logan Heath. He had advised all three men on their romantic issues in the last year. And he was not happy to see them. Grinning, with wedding rings firmly on their fingers. “Comin’ up.”
“You don’t look so good,” West said.
“Agreed,” Logan said.
Ryder didn’t say anything, he only nodded. But then, Ryder was bound by strict codes of honor, and most certainly to not meddling in other people’s business, so it stood to reason that he hadn’t verbally chimed in.
“Everything’s fine,” Laz said, lying through his teeth.
“Is it? It’s just that I heard that Jordan from Sugar Cup ran off and didn’t get married, and that she was shacked up with you.”
“This town is a scourge.”
“Yeah, but generally reliable when it comes to gossip. So is that true?” West pressed.
“True enough,” he said. “She’s my friend, and she was on some hard times. I offered to help out.”
“Right. That’s how I always offer to help my friends. Little friendly bunking together,” West said.
“If I recall right,” Ryder said. “That is how you helped my sister.”
“And look how that turned out,” West said, grinning.
That wasn’t exactly true. West had become his now wife’s landlord by default. And that had forced them into a proximity where things had gotten friendly real quick.
“She was staying with me, now she’s not. She’s renting a room above the bar, in fact. No gossip to be had there.�
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“Is that why you’re in a bad mood? Because you’re definitely not in the mood of a kinda man who’s getting regularly laid,” Logan pointed out.
Well, he had been getting regularly laid. Actually until yesterday.
But it wasn’t about that. Of course it wasn’t. But Jordan didn’t understand. She didn’t understand that...
That what? You’re not willing to change? Is that really what it comes down to?
No. There was some clawing, burning fear that kept snarling in his chest, and he couldn’t define it any more than he could fight it.
“Should tell us what’s going on,” Logan said. “It’s only fair. After all... You helped enough people over the last few years that you deserve a little help with your own.”
“And we wouldn’t be any kind of friends if we didn’t stick our oar in.”
Laz could only stare. Because this was the last thing he’d ever expected. That all those conversations he had over the years in the bar might actually come back and benefit him. That they wouldn’t forget his happiness.
He’d seen it as a no-cost business transaction, but that wasn’t how they were treating it.
And maybe... Maybe that was it. Maybe he’d been lying to himself all this time. Maybe he wasn’t half so solitary as he believed. Maybe never had been.
“She’s in love with me,” he said. “But I... I’m set in my ways. I live alone. I like things done my way.”
“That’s dumb,” West said. “I would do things any kind of way if I could keep Pansy in my life. We could do them her way, hell, we could do them the Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh’s way, I don’t care. Whatever she wants, I’m all in. Because I’m not happy if she’s not happy. I’m not happy if she’s not with me.”
“Same,” Logan said.
“Same,” Ryder said.
“My parents have a terrible marriage,” Laz said. “That house growing up was miserable. The never had time for anybody but themselves, and they resented their relationship as much as they resented me. I just don’t have any desire to live that kind of life.”
It was West who looked at him just a little too acutely. “Do you not want to live like them? Or do you just want to go back to living like you already do? Is it just not wanting to need someone a little more than they need you?”
That landed. Right square in his chest. And he felt... Well, he felt damned foolish.
Because it was true. He had moved out of the home where nobody seemed to want or need him, and into his grandmother’s house where he’d been able to help. And she had to accept, whether she liked to be solitary or not. And then he’d started work at this bar, where he gave advice, and everybody valued him. Either for his ability to dole out whiskey or sympathy. But taking back... That was what got him. That was what was so difficult.
“I...”
“I didn’t take you for a coward, Laz,” Logan said quietly.
“You were all cowards first.”
“Not me,” Ryder said.
“Really?”
His brothers-in-law were staring at him. “You were coward enough while you loved Sammy for seventeen years and didn’t say anything. Just because she’s the one who left you right before you worked everything out...”
“Fine,” Ryder said. “But the point is. Fearing change doesn’t much get you anywhere. You gotta be willing to change with life, or it’s just going to run you over. So you can keep yourself safe in one way, but it’s not going to protect you from the heartbreak of not having her.”
“So... What? You just...say yes, knowing that in the end it could destroy you?”
But he already knew the answer to that. Because it was the answer that every single person in his bar had found over the years.
The conclusion they’d all come to.
It was just that simple. And that hard.
To say yes instead of say no. To protect yourself instead of running scared.
“Sure. But you hope. And you love. In between those two things... It can turn out pretty great,” West said.
And he knew it was true. Because he was looking at the evidence right in front of him. Because the evidence had been in and out of his bar for years. Carved into the wall of his bar bathroom. Even though he’d asked them to cut that shit out. But that was just it. It worked all around him all the time. And sometimes it didn’t. It hadn’t in his home, no matter that his parents had stayed together. And they’d made him feel... Well, they’d made him feel like he didn’t matter, and he had never wanted to go back to that.
But Jordan made him feel like he mattered. And she had from the beginning. And what the hell did it matter what had come before if they could decide what came after? Because that bullshit was just like what her father had put on her. Telling her that she was doomed because of who her parents were? He knew enough to know that wasn’t true of her. So why couldn’t it be just as untrue of him?
“Keep an eye on the bar,” Laz said.
He took the inside staircase and went right up to the apartment, pounding on the door. Jordan opened it, looking wary. “What do you want?”
And he didn’t say anything. He just pulled her into his arms, because it was what he wanted to do. Because he hadn’t held her for days, and he was sick of it.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m sorry that you had to be the brave one.”
“You are?” The question was muffled against his chest.
“Yes. You deserve better than that from me.” He held his arms out straight, looked into her eyes. “I love you.”
It wasn’t a revelation. It didn’t shock him. But it did make him feel... Like a piece of himself that had been missing for a long damned time was finally in place.
“And I will turn my whole life upside down. I will paint the inside of my house pink, I will get a cat, I will do whatever the hell you want if you will be with me. I don’t need my time, I don’t need my space. What I need is you, Jordan. And I had to be brave enough to say that. Say that I needed someone. Because I’m a hell of a lot more comfortable with other people needing me.”
“Laz,” she said, wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing him. “You know what, I’m glad I had to be brave. Because it made me realize something. I’ve had myself on probation for years. I’m tired of it. And that’s what gave me the strength to tell you to go away until you sorted yourself out.”
“Was actually West and Ryder and Logan that sorted me out.”
“When?”
“Just now.”
“In the bar?”
“In the bar,” he confirmed.
“That’s... Well, I think that’s no less than you deserved.”
“Thank you. You know, my parents might not have been as terrible as yours. But they made me feel like I didn’t matter. I never wanted to feel that again.”
She put her hand on his face. “You won’t. Because you matter to me. And even more importantly you taught me that I need to matter to me. That my own feelings matter.”
“I love you, Jordan. I have from the first moment you walked into my bar. And the real reason I didn’t tell you not to go through with the wedding is that I knew that you deserved to have something more offered to you. And I was too cowardly to do it, not too good.”
“Well, are you too coward to do it now?”
“Not at all. Will you marry me? Invade my space and change my life?”
It wasn’t sudden at all. It was ten years of late-night conversations, walking together in the streets of the town, sharing themselves. They might have only kissed for the first time a week ago, but they’d fallen in love, deeply, truly, a lot longer ago than that.
“Yes,” she said. “I will.”
“Good. Hey, do you know about the tradition of carving your name in the bathroom of my bar?”
She narrowed her eyes. “Yes. I have heard ab
out that.”
“I think it’s high time my own name was put in there, don’t you think?”
“Laz!”
“What? People are already going to talk. So let’s really give them something to talk about, Jordan.”
And then she smiled. Really smiled. That smile that only he ever saw. That spark in Jordan that she kept buried deep, and didn’t show the world, but only a very few people who were lucky enough.
And he was lucky enough.
“You have yourself a deal.”
EPILOGUE
IT WAS THE funniest thing, when Jordan moved in with Laz—for real—she started sleeping.
She worked out a schedule where her mornings weren’t as early, he adjusted his so it wasn’t as late.
Laz liked sharing his life. That was the biggest surprise of all. He liked sharing his meals, his space, his wood shop. Jordan decided to learn to knit, and she got a chair that she put out there, and she sat while he worked. They often didn’t talk at all, they were just together.
Most of all, they learned to talk, and trust. Each other, and themselves.
He was the Laz Jordan loved, not the boy who had felt unloved by his parents. And she was the Jordan he loved. Not a daughter of addicts. Not a woman who had to keep herself on a tight leash for fear she might do something wrong.
Just Jordan. Just the love of his life.
Just everything.
He used to be in the business of giving out advice. But now, his biggest business was just to love her. Every day, with all of his heart.
Forever.
* * *
When Lark Ashwood returns home to Bear Creek, Oregon, she is determined to realize her dreams of setting up a craft café. She’s equally determined to avoid the history she’s been running from–especially when it comes in the irresistible shape of local garage owner Ben Thompson. But as Lark embarks on a quilting circle with her mom and two sisters, she soon realizes that the key to her future lies in unlocking the past...
