by Eden Fortae
The pounding in her head began the moment Eden sat up. As she rubbed her temples, she noticed the too big t-shirt hanging off of her left shoulder, and a pair of red basketball shorts pulled tight and tied.
Eyes fully open, Eden surveyed the room. Everything from the dark furniture to the modern paintings and unobstructed view of the city screamed Donny. Clean and expensive. Modern and beautiful. Drawn by the fact that the sun reflected off the metal frame but not pouring into the room to kill her, Eden slid off the bed and approached it.
The street below was as busy as usual—the view of the water in the distance, breathtaking. So taken by it, Donny walked into the room undetected.
“I’m surprised to see you standing.”
“I’m surprised I’m here,” facing him, Eden shamelessly admired his bare chest and all the ink adorning it. “After that little spat, I just knew you’d wash your hands of me.”
“I think you’ve had enough of that. Don’t you?” When she didn’t answer, he walked away. “Come eat.”
“Why?” It slipped with emotion attached to it. As best as she could, Eden cleared her throat and asked again. “Why do you keep trying when all I do is push you away?”
Instead of turning completely, he glanced over his shoulder. The skeleton of a ferocious dragon on his back stood out more than ever. It meant something, and she had to know what, just as badly as she needed to know the answer to her question.
“As I said, you’ve had enough people giving you their back.” The irony in those words wasn’t missed, nor was the underlying anger. Yet, he looked at her with nothing less than the same intensity. “Come eat.”
When he left, Eden released a breath. The emotions he stirred with those words were enough to consider leaving. Instead of searching for her clothes and purse, Eden followed him with a strange feeling in the pit of her stomach.
TWELVE
The brightness in the rest of the apartment served as punishment. As if he noticed her wincing without ever looking back, Donny drew the curtains for all but one window. The one that remained was enough to bathe the room in a natural glow.
Having her emotions so close to the surface, she found herself focusing on the muscles in his back and imagined digging her nails into it. His red sweatpants did nothing to hide the print she couldn’t keep her eyes off of once he turned. He couldn’t have been wearing underwear. The way it moved when he walked was telling. Thoughts of pulling the elastic band off of his hips died as he snapped his fingers in front of his face.
“Have a seat.”
Wide-eyed and amused, Eden sat quietly at the small square table. Donny placed a plate in front of her, followed by a bowl of fruit. He disappeared and came back with a glass of water and a steaming mug of tea. With his own food, he sat across from her, but that didn’t decrease the feeling of animosity.
“Healthy fats and vegetables help hangovers. There’s spinach in the omelet but no cheese. If you choose not to eat it all or drink the tea, at least eat the bananas and blueberries and drink the water.”
Eden merely blinked. Before last night, his anger and distance would have been a good thing. Now, it felt like a nagging headache.
“You’re upset with me.”
“I’m not,” he retorted.
“Look at me and say that,” she countered.
His eyes found hers with his fork suspended mid-way to his lips, “I’m not upset. Now, eat.”
She wasn’t convinced but took small bites from both the bowl and the plate. She was more into the tea made up of both ginger and chamomile.
Donny finished all of his food relatively quickly. He pushed his dishes to the side and leaned back in his seat, watching like she was a picky toddler. Feeling defiant, Eden moved her own dishes away and sat with her hands clasped.
“Finish the fruit.” His tone was flat but firm.
“Or I can’t go outside to ride my bike?”
One of his brows rose. He slid his chair back slightly, leaning enough to yank her chair across the floor and as close to him as the table would allow. Picking up the bowl, he forked two banana slices and held it to her lips.
More turned on than she should have been, Eden crossed her legs and opened her mouth. Something was wrong. The tension, palpable. To be upset that he wouldn’t talk about it seemed hypocritical. Yet she was upset. The last time she cared if someone was unhappy with her went too far in the past to remember how to handle it. Pushing his buttons was her first instinct and a means of getting him to turn his anger into aggressive sex. Since the bait was left on the hook, she watched him with uncertainty.
Donny fed her the entire bowl then collected the dishes in silence.
Not knowing what else to do, Eden got up, intending to find her things and go home.
“You got somewhere to be?”
“Home. I should check in with the girls.”
“One called. The other threatened me through text. Both know you’re alright.” He turned, leaning his hip against the counter, crossing his arm.
“Right. I should still get going.”
“You should sit so we can talk.”
“Oh, we’re doing that now?—because we just sat there like a married couple on the verge of divorce before you aggressively pulled me to you and fed me. While that was probably one of the strangest and sexiest things to ever happen to me, I don’t like this for us, and if you’re not going to tell me what it’s about, I need to get my shit and go.”
“Have a seat, Eden.”
“Talk, then I sit.”
For the first time, he smiled. It was small and slightly comforting.
“You said you didn’t want emotions. I gave you none. Why did that upset you?”
First-round, a clean knockout. A carefully laid trap, she walked right into it. Annoyance aside, he deserved a round of applause.
“Faking an attitude to prove a point is juvenile, Donovan.”
“I wasn’t faking anything. I gave you what you wanted minus my dick. Considering how you eye fucked me, we’ll count that, too.”
Trying not to look down was as hard as trying not to laugh at her own foolishness. “Well, since that’s out of the way, where are my clothes.”
“Not on your body. Have a seat.”
“Donovan,” she breathed in deeply and closed her eyes. When she opened them, he stood too close for comfort. His gaze rooted her. The way his brows fell over his eyes caused her to bite her lip. “Why didn’t you just take me home?”
“I wanted you here. Have a seat.”
His seriousness stole the rest of her fight. Out of pure defiance, she chose the only solo chair in the living room. Donny sat on the sofa with his arms stretched along the back, legs extended.
“Now what?”
“I want to know what your issue with intimacy is and what caused it.”
“I tell you I don’t want emotional attachments, and that translates to intimacy issues?”
“It’s more than simply not wanting it.”
Eden stilled with narrowed eyes. Annoyed to the max, gnawing on the inside of her cheek was all she could do to calm herself. “Hugging, kissing, hand-holding, words of affirmation—are pages in a book of fairy tales. It’s beautiful, paints a pretty picture, but it’s not real.”
“Who taught you that?”
“The question is, who didn’t? I’ve never known affection without motive. It was always used to control me, hurt me, or string me along. I don’t have an issue with intimacy. I choose not to be fooled by it.”
“I kissed you for those reasons?”
“You kissed me because you get off on seeing me squirm. My discomfort amuses you.”
He sat up, scooting closer to lean forward and touch her legs. “I kissed you because your lips looked soft, and I wanted them. One kiss was a tease. I couldn’t get enough after that.”
Eden looked down at her hands. Absently she played with the drawstring of his shorts. There was no way to prepare for that response. Honesty and Donovan
always went hand-in-hand, yet he managed to surprise her.
“You’re going to hurt me. You may not want to, but you’re going to.”
“Do you trust me?”
“I want to.”
Donny leaned back and patted the seat beside him. Eden stared for several long seconds but slowly got up. The moment she sat down, Donny pulled her close, forcing her head to his shoulder.
“How does this feel?”
“Uncomfortable.”
He wrapped his arms around her, resting his chin against her head. Instantly, her breathing picked up. Her entire body moved with each breath as if she were fighting tears. “And now?”
“It’s hard to breathe.”
“Why?”
“We’re too close.”
“Tell me why, Eden.”
“I don’t want to feel. I can’t.”
He kissed her head again, rubbing his hand along her back. “I’ll let you go if you can do something for me. Stop thinking and tell me exactly what you’re feeling.”
She tried to shut off her mind by closing her eyes. The tears working their way to the forefront slipped through her lashes. The embarrassment of pooling on her bare chest was an afterthought that she also had to shut off.
“Breathe, baby. Inhale and exhale.” She did as he said, calming slowly but surely. “Without thinking about it, answer my questions. Am I hurting you?”
She shook her head, “No.”
“What are you feeling right now?”
“Scared.”
“Why are you scared, Eden?”
Her body began to jerk again with heavier tears he wiped away. “I’m afraid I’ll fall. If I fall for you, I can’t protect myself.”
Donny loosened his arms but didn’t let her go. The hand rubbing her back continued in soothing circles working its way to her shoulder. “If the ceiling fell on us right now, do you think I’d shield you?”
She nodded, “Yes.”
“This is no different. You can protect yourself, but I will protect you, too. You fall for me, I’ll catch you.”
Eden closed her eyes, breathing out a breath she didn’t know she was holding. Verbal declarations had never been enough. This one felt different. She trained her thoughts to stay on the man holding her and not her fears with each passing moment. Mentally, she envisioned him and found herself relaxing.
“Why the dragon and the skeleton?”
“I shouldn’t exist. Not after what I’ve been through. People have been enamored by the outside, oblivious to the monster in me. Should I feel the need, I’ll burn everything in my path and give no fucks. The dragon skeleton represents my darkness and death. I wear it on my back to keep that part of my being behind me, but wear it as a reminder of who I am beneath everything.”
Eden pulled away and stared, finding a coldness that vanished almost as quickly as it appeared.
“What happened to you?” She whispered more to herself. Her heart squeezed at the sudden glimpse of pain he allowed her to see.
Donny cupped her cheek, trailing his thumb over her cheek, “The same thing I think happened to you.”
Eden stiffened, pulling away and scooted to the edge of her seat. Her fight or flight response had her debating the next move. The slightest shifting of Donny changing positions alarmed her. Yet, he didn’t force her back or touch her at all.
On a whim, she spared him a glance. His eyes were on her for a split second, then he dropped them and shook his head.
“I went to Vanessa just as my pre-k year was ending. My first thoughts of her surrounded her beauty. Her hair was straightened mostly, with huge curls at the ends. I’d never seen blue eyes on a black person before, so I was captivated. Her skin was somewhere between yours and Kya’s. Honestly, I can say she initiated my obsession with the many shades of black women.” He smirked, trailing the tip of his finger along her thigh. “She had money. Not enough to be considered rich, but enough to live in an upper-class neighborhood and not work. I never looked at her as a mother. Maybe because something in my young heart knew she was hiding something.”
As his smile faded, Eden turned toward him, tucking her left leg beneath her. “You feel like watching a movie? We could binge a series or,” she trailed off, watching one side of his mouth tick upward.
“It started with kisses. Anytime I did something good, Vanessa would reward me with kisses on my lips. I thought nothing of it, having seen some of the kids at school being kissed by their parents that way. When she started bathing me in her bra and panties, I remember asking her why one day. She said she didn’t want her clothes to get wet. I asked her why she slept in my bed. It was because she had nightmares. I asked her why she put her hands in my underwear, and she said it was because that’s what you do when you love a man.”
At that, Eden stiffened. His words faded; her own thoughts gripped her. Balling her fists was the only way to keep them from shaking, yet the clammy feeling wasn’t as easy to ignore.
Donny leaning forward with his elbows on his knees pulled her from her own thoughts. She’d missed things. Important secrets she couldn’t stomach based on what he said next.
“She’d force me to do it a few nights a week until she met Hank. When he came over, they were either fucking or fighting. I heard all the vulgar things he said to her, the way she moaned his name, and even when he asked for me.”
His breathing grew labored. Eden’s did, too. She wanted him to end the story with every fiber of her being, yet she needed him to continue, too. Mentally she cursed herself. Even under the circumstances such as this, the ability to stand her ground with something as simple as her own feelings was nonexistent.
“The things they did and the things they made me do are what nightmares are made of. They had me so scared to talk that I stayed to myself on my first day at my new school. Even when a boy with wild curly hair and dimples tried to talk to me.”
“Antonio?”
He looked up with a smile and nodded. “That bossy bastard was determined to be my friend. He wouldn’t talk to anyone else but had whole conversations with my mute ass. He an artist then, too, so he kept crayons on hand. No one could touch his crayons but me. His mother packed him the best snacks for lunch. No one could have any but me.”
“You wouldn’t talk to him, but you ate his food?” She raised a brow, causing him to chuckle.
“I don’t turn down food.”
“Is that how you became friends?”
Donny nodded, “He asked me my favorite kind of chips so he could bring me some the next day. All it took was for me to answer that question, and I couldn’t get rid of him. He always sat next to me. When we had to do partners, we were always paired. When we returned from school breaks, he always greeted me with a hug and a secret handshake. Best friends. That asshole forced his friendship on me and forced me to be a kid again around him. As the years passed, we became closer. Tonito had the kind of charm back then that he has now. He flashed those dimples at Vanessa, and suddenly I was allowed to stay the night over his house. He wouldn’t stay at Vanessa’s. I wouldn’t let them hurt him. Ever.
“Things were so different there. Tonito had sisters. His mother was so kind and even more beautiful than Vanessa. I met his father before he got in trouble. He was the kind of dad that I always wished for. And the rest of his family... To me, he was the luckiest kid in the world. He shared his family with me, and through that, I felt lucky, too. Because he shared his world with me, I comforted him when his dad went to prison. Seeing my friend cry then straighten his back and grow up too soon struck me. I wasn’t that strong. I cried when Vanessa and Hank touched me. I cried when I was alone. I cried when I finally found the courage to tell Tonito what was happening.”
“Donovan—”
“I have this feeling, Eden. I had it when I was little. I have it now. Trusting it the first time with Tonito worked out for the best. Trusting it now—trusting you, feels right.”
The nervousness returned. His declaration did something st
range to her heart and was the only reason she could sit back and listen.
“Trusting Tonito felt right. Telling him everything took a weight off my shoulders. Instead of judging me or shunning me, he hugged me and told me that he’d look out for me. I thought he meant that he would just keep my secret. He had something else in mind.”
Hands clasped, each finger moved to the nervous rhythm matching the beat of Eden’s heart. She watched his back rise and fall, heard him take one deep breath after another.
“By the time we were eight, shit with Vanessa and Hank had gotten so bad that my time with Tonito wasn’t enough to cover the damage. He felt me getting distant and did everything he could to get me to talk. When I realized that my distance could cost the peace I gained from being around his family, I started faking smiles and laughter. Tonito knew. He asked Vanessa if I could come over for Thanksgiving. Surprisingly, she allowed it. I never understood her leniency when it came to my sleepovers at the Cortes house. Maybe it was the drugs. Perhaps it was confidence that I wouldn’t tell.
“Tonito took me by the hand to his Uncle Fredo and Aunt Hae. I’d met them before, so I didn’t understand what he was doing when he put his arm around me, told them I was his best friend in the whole world, and that he wished we could be brothers. With all the shit going on with his dad, I thought he’d finally lost it. After dinner, he invited them to come to his room to play with us. Naturally, I was nervous because my only experience with adults in a bedroom was terrible. Yet, they sat on the floor with us and acted like kids. Deep down, I knew things were going to get worse, so I made the most of it. I laughed genuinely. I hugged him before I left and even fought my fear to embrace Fredo and Hae.
“Weeks after that, something changed. Vanessa and Hank were arguing more. I couldn’t go over Tonito’s house anymore, and Hank threatened to hurt him if I didn’t stop talking to him. I couldn’t let that happen. He’d been so kind to me. His whole family had been the family I prayed for. I had to protect them all, but there was no way he’d stop being my friend. Faking sick to not go to school and creating fake reasons to be mad at him was the only way.”
