by Martha Carr
“That nervous-sweaty two-legs looks like he’s still learning how to run. We can teach him for you.”
Hearing only the hounds’ snarling and Luther’s jaws snapping shut as they reached the door, Phil stepped back and swallowed. “We were contracted to—”
“Mind your business unless I say otherwise. And I wouldn’t come back here without Howie if I were you.” He slammed the door shut.
Luther sat and uttered a warbled howl. “And stay out.”
“Johnny,” the director called from the other side of the door. “We’ve already got some great stuff but not nearly enough for the first day.”
Rex growled and sniffed the bottom of the door, snorting and pawing. “Man, this guy’s dumb.”
“Johnny?”
The bounty hunter ignored the desperate director and marched down the hall. “He’ll get it eventually.”
Lisa darted a sympathetic frown at the closed door. “Do you want me to talk to him?”
“Naw. That’s settin’ yourself up to have whatever you say twisted and stuck on YouBoob.”
She barked out a laugh. “I’m sorry?”
“The thing with the videos.”
“YouTube, Johnny.”
“Sure.” He went to the kitchen and opened cabinet after cabinet, searching for the one thing he wanted. Private jet and swanky digs. If Nelson ain’t givin’ up all the goods, none of that’s gonna save him from— Johnny stopped at the last open cabinet and grinned. “There you are.”
He took the unopened bottle of Johnny Walker Black and two glasses and turned toward his companion. “Care to join me, darlin’?”
She raised her chin and looked at him with a smile. “I’m not sure I’m a whiskey girl.”
“Well, why don’t you take the redhead mask off and give it a try. We’ll find out together.”
“Okay.” She removed the illusion and glanced at the fridge. “Are there any mixers in that fridge?”
Johnny snorted. “You’re lucky I like you. That there’s blasphemy.”
“Wow. So this is like a religion for you.”
This time, he took a seat on the couch beside her and poured two fingers of whiskey for Lisa and a full four for himself. “I ain’t the religious type, darlin’. But I believe in a fair number of things—the truth, my privacy, a fair exchange, a good hunt, and this.”
He raised his glass toward her and winked.
“So we’ll add sharing your favorites to the list.” Lisa clinked her glass against his and chuckled.
“Sure.” The dwarf sniffed and sipped his drink. “Right up there with justice.”
“Of course. And we’re closer now than you were before you had a partner to help you track him.”
He looked thoughtfully at her. “I suppose we are.”
Lisa sniffed the whiskey tentatively, followed by a small sip. Her eyes widened and she swallowed and wheezed a cough. “Wow.”
“It gets better the closer you get to empty.”
She set her glass on the round marble coffee table and nodded. “I’ll take your word for it.”
“What? Darlin’, that whiskey’s as good as my word. Don’t let it go to waste now.”
Not knowing how to respond to that, she retrieved her tablet instead and pulled up the YouTube app.
“Aw, what are you doin’?”
“I want to see what everyone else has already watched today.” She smirked. “Don’t you?”
“Nope.”
“Well, feel free to take a peek if you change your mind.” All she had to type into the search bar was Johnny and Dwarf the Bounty Hunter’s newest YouTube channel pulled up immediately. “Look at that. You’re the first thing that comes up.”
“You sound way too happy about that.” He downed the rest of his glass and popped the top off the bottle for a refill.
“No, it’s a good thing. Oh, my God.”
“What?” He drank more whiskey and couldn’t bring himself to look at the tablet.
“They put this up six hours ago, and it already has almost two million views.”
“Dammit.”
“Johnny, this is good.” Lisa selected the highest-viewed video “teaser” for the show’s post-retirement season and let the ad at the beginning play all the way through. “Everyone’s watching.”
“That ain’t never been a good thing.” He glanced at the ad for some office networking software and snorted. “Why’s that on there, huh? I ain’t endorsin’ anythin’.”
“It’s only an ad. Okay, look. Here we go.”
The short video started with Pantera’s “Domination” playing quietly in the background. Johnny sniffed. At least they got the heavy metal part right.
“Do you have any concerns about your ability to find and apprehend this next bounty, given your previous record as a bounty hunter and then your rather long hiatus?”
Phil spoke from behind the camera that had focused on Johnny, “Stephanie,” and two hounds beside a drastically enlarged neon-pink flamingo.
“I’m a dwarf. I coulda stayed outta the game for thirty years and still known exactly what I’m doin’.”
“What?” He scowled at the tablet. “I specifically remember more colorful language than that.”
“Which is why they voiced you over this shot.” She pointed at the video, which changed to a wide, sweeping view of the swamp. Fortunately, that view stopped before the edge of the bounty hunter’s home could come into view.
“I aim to clean up and throw the bastard out with the trash.”
“Johnny doesn’t discriminate.” That was Lisa again, paired with a slow-motion clip of her as the redheaded Stephanie turning to shoot Johnny a winning grin.
“Oh, jeez.” She rolled her eyes. “Such a flattering way to take all that out of context.”
The bounty hunter chuckled. “I tell you what. That redhead’s lookin’ real sweet on me in that shot.”
“Oh, come on.”
“Naw, that ain’t you, darlin’.” He raised his glass at her again with a smirk. “I won’t hold it against you.”
The sound of the hounds barking in the background rose from the speakers and faded away as if Rex and Luther had been caught on audio disappearing into the swamp.
“Johnny.” Rex trotted around the corner with his ears perked. “Is that us?”
Luther barked sharply, ran into the living area, and his head darted from side to side as he searched the suite. “You bring other hounds in here and not tell us?”
“It is us.”
“No way, Rex. I sound way bigger than that.”
“Join us for more sneak peeks of Dwarf the Bounty Hunter as Johnny Walker and his coonhounds take to the streets of Baltimore, sniffing out justice and taking out the trash.”
“What the fuck?” Johnny scowled at the video. “That ain’t in the interview.”
The next image was a closeup of him, completely cutting out what had previously been captured of Luther pissing on the flamingo.
“That about sums it up.”
The show's logo crashed into the center of the screen, the typography enhanced and animated with flames since the last time it had aired fifteen years earlier. Below it, smaller text appeared beside a pistol with an animated explosion bursting from the barrel—You don’t want to miss all this action. Subscribe Now!
“For cryin’ out loud.” The dwarf took another long pull of his whiskey.
Lisa forced back a laugh and let the end of the video roll through to another short snippet the film crew had already posted. “Looking at this objectively, I’d say they did very well, although I can’t help but notice it’s only ‘Johnny Walker and his coonhounds’ and nothing about Stephanie.”
“What? Do you want ʼem to add, ‘And his assistant?’” He grunted. “All the fancy images and puttin’ in shit that ain’t part of what they filmed. That asshole took a good thing and ruined it.”
“It’s been fifteen years, Johnny. The show has to change with the times.”
“No, it do
n’t.” The next video started to play and he leaned sideways to swipe at the tablet and close out the YouTube app. “That’s enough.”
“Johnny.” Luther sat at his master’s feet and stared at the tablet. “Hey. Were we in there? Were we on TV?”
“I heard being on TV makes you look bigger. Like with tons of muscle and a longer tail,” Rex added. “That true?”
Johnny gave the hounds a warning glance.
“Maybe it made him look bigger.”
“Naw, Johnny’s already got enough muscle.”
When the dwarf turned toward Lisa, she was biting her lip in an attempt to hide a knowing smile. “What?”
“I know you won’t come out and say it, but I think you miss having that show on all the time.”
He rolled his eyes. “And Nelson up my ass every time a new episode aired? Naw. You’re graspin’ for straws.”
“You didn’t film any federal cases, did you?”
He avoided her gaze and knocked back the rest of his second drink. “Not that I recall.”
“Huh. Because it was so long ago.”
“Yep.”
“It’s a good thing Phil put up all seven seasons on the YouTube channel as a refresher course—”
“Don’t you even think about it. If you wanna keep this partner arrangement, Lisa, you give me your word right now you ain’t fixin’ to watch all that behind my back.”
Her eyes widened and a slow grin spread across her lips. “There it is.”
“What?”
“This partner arrangement. You’re finally getting it, aren’t you?”
Johnny grunted and reached for the bottle of whiskey to pour himself another glass. “When I can use it as leverage? You bet.”
Chapter Eight
They ordered room service for dinner with two extra pork chops for the hounds—as rare as the restaurant would make them—and went over the Senator Hugh case while they ate. Lisa poured herself another glass of the wine Johnny had grudgingly ordered at her request and leaned against the high-backed chair at the two-person dining table. “Okay, why do you still look like you bit into a lemon?”
He took his last bite and chewed thoughtfully. “No, I don’t.”
“Fine. Forget the lemon. What’s on your mind?”
Luther whipped his head up from where he’d been licking the pork chop plate clean for the last ten minutes. “If you don’t want that lemon, Johnny, I’ll take it.”
“Hey, what about more chops?” Rex licked his lips. “Those were amazing.”
The dwarf snapped his fingers and pointed away from the dining table. “Go on now, boys. There ain’t nothin’ left.”
“But she said lemon—”
“Git.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah.”
Johnny shook his head, took a sip of whisky, and looked at Lisa over the rim of the glass. “What?”
“You look a little distracted, is all.” She sipped her white wine delicately and gave him a patient smile.
“Distracted. Well, hell. I have you sittin’ across the table lookin’ at me like that and two hounds who don’t know when to quit.”
“Come on, Johnny,” Rex protested and he and his brother padded into the huge separate bedroom for more exploring. “You’ve only been able to hear us for like— Wait. How long has it been?”
“Forever?” Luther suggested. “That feels right.”
“And wrong at the same time.”
The bounty hunter heaved a sigh. Remember that those talkin’ hounds saved your life and your sanity in those Portland tunnels. In and of itself, that makes up for everythin’ else. So focus on the next.
He thumped both forearms on the table and leaned forward to squint at his plate. “All right, darlin’. I’ll talk.”
Lisa chuckled. “Well, that wasn’t very hard.”
“You didn’t even try, but I think your perspective ain’t exactly somethin’ I can afford to pass up.” Johnny rubbed his temples vigorously. “Somethin’s still sittin’ not quite right about this whole ‘filming a show’ scenario.”
“Oh.” She sipped her wine again. “Do you have any idea what that is?”
“Well now, you showed me all that mumbo jumbo on the dark web with this asshole postin’ as Lemonhead and tryin’ to get his connections in with whatever idiots I bagged over a ten-year career of heavy hittin’.”
“I did.”
“The Red Boar’s already got what he wanted, then. Ain’t he? Aside from comin’ after me.” His frown deepened and he reached out absently to spin his dinner plate on the table. “It seems like we might end up wastin’ more time than savin’ it if you ask me.”
“Hmm. Well, how about I ask you this.” Lisa leaned toward him and studied his face. “What are you trying to say?”
Johnny looked slowly at her and froze. So I’m that easy to read now, huh? Damn. “I’m sayin’ how do we even know the bastard’s gonna be watchin’ these shitty clips on that video site, huh? We’re puttin’ my mug and your…well, not your real face, but you’re there. It’s goin’ up all over the Internet, however many idiots who still think I’m worth watchin’ are tunin’ in to watch again, and the Red Boar could be holin’ up and schemin’ with a group of even dumber criminals I apprehended however long ago. We have no guarantee.”
Her smile widened. “That’s been on your chest all day, hasn’t it?”
“Huh.” He sniffed and mumbled, “More like since you told me the plan.”
“Okay. I get that.” She set her glass down and stood from the table. “But come on, Johnny. I know how to cover my bases.”
“I ain’t sayin’ you don’t— Where are you goin’?”
Her redheaded, green-eyed, freckled illusion returned and she pointed at the hall. “To Stephanie’s room. And when I come back, you’ll give me ten minutes to show you why you’re letting this eat you up for nothing.”
She turned and disappeared swiftly around the corner of the living area to head toward the suite’s door. It opened and shut again with a soft click, and Johnny could only stare at the empty kitchen.
Huh. If I didn’t know better, I’d say she’s fixin’ to take the lead on this. Except that ain’t how partners do it. Right?
He drummed his fingers on the tabletop and glowered at the empty plates from their dinner. Faint, rhythmic splashing came from the open doorway into the bedroom, followed by the hounds’ whispered voices in the bounty hunter’s mind.
“Come on, bro. You’re taking way too long.”
“I’m taking as long as I need to. You’re supposed to keep watch.”
“Yeah. I’m watching you and you’re taking too long.”
“You’ll get your turn.”
“Boys?” Johnny turned in his chair and the splashing stopped.
“Yeah, Johnny?”
“What’s up?”
“I ain’t gonna step in there and find y’all drinkin’ outta somethin’ that ain’t made for mouths, am I?”
Rex and Luther nudged the door open with a creak so they could trot nonchalantly out of the bedroom side by side. Luther chuckled. “Why would you find that, Johnny?”
The smaller hound licked his muzzle but failed to catch the last few drops of water that spilled from the soaked underside of his furry chin.
The dwarf raised an eyebrow. “It’s a hunch and usually, I’m right.”
Rex lowered his head to lick the water drops off the floor. “All good, Johnny. Go ahead and look. You won’t find anything in there you don’t wanna see.”
“Uh-huh. Close the door.”
“What?” Luther looked behind him into the bedroom with pleading eyes. “It’s nice in there, Johnny. Plenty of—hey.”
Rex nudged the door all the way shut with his nose and snorted. “No swamp out here Johnny. No tide pools either, so…”
With a grunt, Johnny stood to walk toward the kitchen and check the large mixing bowl on the floor. “Well, I’ll be. There sure is a nice big bowl of drinkin’ water over here, tho
ugh.”
“What?” Rex darted toward his brother to nip at Luther’s neck. “You told me it was empty.”
“I thought it was.”
Johnny pointed at them and shook his head. “Stay outta toilets. Y’all are better than that.”
“We know that.” Luther dodged another annoyed nip from his brother and darted across the living area toward the huge armchair. He spun in two tight circles and curled in a ball on the floor. “Didn’t someone smart say life’s not worth living if you don’t fill it with experiences?”
“That don’t apply to the john, Luther.” The dwarf ran a hand through his hair and sank into the fluffy cushions of the couch. “Don’t do it again.”
“Got it, Johnny. No more toilets. Hey, but what if they’re outside?”
The steady lap of Rex drinking out of the actual bowl filled the suite.
When Lisa knocked on his door again, she had her laptop under her arm and a pert smile aimed right at Johnny. “Let’s get comfy.”
“For what?”
“For your first lesson in what’s possible these days with the technology you refuse to touch.”
“Come on, darlin’. I don’t need to learn any of that.”
“Tough. I’m showing you anyway. Mostly because you need to see how solid this plan is, and then you can get your head back in the game. We still have a Kilomea blackmailer to go after tomorrow and a Johnny-Haters Anonymous meeting after that.”
He snorted. “Did you just come up with that one?”
“I’ve been sitting on it for a while. This felt like the right time.” With a smirk, she sat on the couch and patted the cushion beside her. “Come on.”
“Can’t you simply tell me instead of making a big deal—”
“Sure I can.” She grinned. “But I won’t.”
He sighed with a mixture of frustration and exasperation. “You’re good.”
“I know.”
That drew a reluctant smile from him and he stopped to top his glass of whiskey off and retrieve her wineglass before he joined her on the couch. They both drank and Lisa opened her laptop to start his mostly willing lesson in modern technology, the Internet beyond Google, VPNs, and the dark web.
“What does all that have to do with makin’ sure this bastard thinks I’m the idiot?”
