by Portia Moore
“She just moved in a little closer to your campus. I had to beat her other roommate’s ass for stealing from her.” I shrug and Blue laughs and shakes his head. “I moved to Chicago to get away from it, to be as far apart from her as I reasonably can,” I tell him quietly.
“Damn, you’ve really been juggling two lives,” he says, almost in awe.
“Hers isn’t that hard to maintain thank God. She’s attended school online, does a lot of casual stuff, for that doesn’t require consistently being there. School’s the most important thing to her, and I make sure I don’t screw that up for her as best I can. She doesn’t have any real friends, no boyfriend, and of course no family.” Blue looks almost sad for her and I roll my eyes.
“She’s had it good compared to what she would have without me,” I remind him. The last thing I need is for him to go feeling sorry for her. I’ve never ruined anything she’s had, yet her existence is ruining everything for me.
---
Over the next month I do everything I need to tie up loose ends. I get rid of my old phone, put my money in a bank that only Blue and Megan have access to, get transcripts, and do every mundane thing I can to keep Ian off my mind—which, of course, is useless. Each day my heart hurts more, not less, so whoever said time heals all wounds is full of shit.
I move through it all like it’s some kind of dream, making plans that I won’t be around to see. I feel like I’m getting ready to commit suicide, and in a way, I guess I am. I don’t plan to come back out. I left my note already—the letter to Ian being the only thing I really need to leave behind—and everything else is just setting up life to go on without me, as smoothly as possible. When I get a text from Blue, on the burner phone I bought, that he met with Ian, the heart I thought was dead starts to beat. But the text is short and he hasn’t added anything else. We don’t text long paragraphs to one another but you’d think he’d say more than that. I text him I’m on my way to see him. He doesn’t respond okay until I’ve been driving towards him for ten minutes. There is a possibility that’s unlikely but a tiny part of me pulls for with everything it has.
It whispers against my thoughts that Blue might have just told Ian everything and he’ll be with him ready to yell at me about how stupid I am to not tell him and he loves me and we’ll work through it, but the more logical part of me would be devastated because I’d still have to go. Because at the end of the day this isn’t about what I want, it’s about doing what’s best for Ian.
I meet Blue at his apartment and when I go in it’s just him. Ian isn’t anywhere in sight, and I didn’t think it was possible to be simultaneously depressed and elated. I glance at Blue and from the look on his face I’m not sure what he has to tell me. I still haven’t gotten the exact details of what happened other than what Blue told me before but it’s possible how Ian might be feeling now that he told Blue to go fuck himself. Every muscle in my body is tight when he closes the door behind me.
“What happened?” I blurt out quickly.
There’s no sense in trying to hide my urgency, my need to know if Ian has someone he can rely on, if he’s accepted Blue back into his fold. I need him to let Blue be there for him. More than I even have a need to breath at this point.
“We’re good,” Blue says simply, almost pointedly, and I search his expression. For once it’s like stone; I can’t see what he’s feeling.
“That’s it?” I ask, annoyed. Blue presses his lips together and I notice his cheeks are flushed.
“You’re really going to do this? Let it be over?” he says tightly, his arms folded across his chest.
“We talked about this,” I say avoiding his gaze.
“You haven’t seen him Aly, he’s fucking devastated!” His words slice through me.
“He’ll get past it,” I say, trying to maintain my neutral tone even though my heart is breaking.
“Alana, I have never seen my cousin like that. Never. It took everything in me to not tell him…to not call him up right now and tell him.”
“You can’t!” I shout desperately. And I see it…I see that he’s about to crack.
“Blue it will make things worse, you can’t! I swear if you do I’ll leave and he’ll never find me. You’ll never find me,” I say desperately but he still won’t look at me.
“Ian’s strong. He’s hurting now but he won’t forever. He’ll get over me. He just needs time,” I tell him and this time my voice is wavering because the pain I’ve been holding feels like it’s crawling up my throat threatening to spill out.
“Blue please!” I beg him, holding on to his shoulders.
“Do you know the position you’re putting me in right now? You want me to fix things but if he ever finds out, he’ll never forgive me. He might fucking kill me!” Blue exaggerates.
“If you love him—if you love me—if I’m really your friend, you won’t tell him.” Tears are spilling from my eyes now but I try to keep my voice strong.
“You’re the only person I have on my side…please stay on it.” My voice cracks and I see the wall he had up the moment I got here start to crumble a little bit.
“FUCK!” he shouts, sounding more like Ian than I’ve ever heard.
“Okay. I won’t say anything.” He finally relents and I hesitantly approach him and embrace him. He doesn’t hug me back but he rests his head on mine.
“Well, what is it like?” he asks quietly. “When you’re not here? Can you explain it? Because it seems like I still don’t fucking understand, and if I’m going to lose my friend…”
That’s it. That’s the final straw. All of the devastation I feel over leaving Ian, all of the fear I feel about disappearing again, about letting Megan take back the reins of our—her—life, well up in me and I break down. Everything in me starts to spill out through my tears and sobs.
“Alana!” Blue exclaims, alarmed.
I can feel myself starting to shake. I’ve never been scared before when Megan’s come back, not really. Resentful, maybe, or annoyed if she interrupted something I was planning. But now I’m scared. It feels like dying this time—maybe because I don’t plan to come back, but I feel like there’s more to it. I’ve put down roots this time, made friends, fallen in love. I have memories I cherish and things I wanted to do, and it’s all about to disappear. In a blink of an eye—snuffed out, just like anyone else’s life.
But without Ian, I don’t want to live this life anymore. And after leaving him the way I did—I can’t imagine that there’s any getting it back. And even if I wanted to try, I can’t. It’s not right, to do this to him. To keep him bound to half a person. To deny him a full and happy life.
I look up and I see Blue’s face, full of an emotion that I’ve never seen before. His arms are around me now. He’s the only thing keeping me from falling apart. He’s not exactly the most sensitive type, and I can usually count on him to be tough and dish that out, too. I expect him to tell me to get it together, man up. That Ian is the one who should feel like this, not me. I don’t get the sympathy because I know I don’t deserve it. But he looks as devastated as I feel.
“Is there anything we can do to stop you from…stop her?” he asks quietly.
“I can’t control it. She’s going to come back, sooner or later. All I can do is control how much it devastates the people I love. And try to make sure at least one of us has a good future.”
“It should be you,” Blue says quietly.
I shrug. “It doesn’t matter. That’s not in my control.” It doesn’t feel good to give in to it, to finally give up the fight. But I am—but not because she’s better or stronger. She wins by default because I’d rather lose to her than destroy Ian.
“And how is Megan just going to accept all of this?” he demands, a new edge to his voice. “The…the university, the money in her account…she’s just going to step into this without any questions? Without wondering where it all came from?”
“She’s used to blacking out and waking up without knowing what’s
happened or what she’s done in the meantime,” I explain tonelessly. “She doesn’t question it very much. And I’ve set it all up to be as seamless as possible.”
Blue looks at me, his lips pressed together, and I can tell that he doesn’t know what to say. There’s a hard set to his jaw, and I know he’s angry. But there’s nothing I can do to make this better.
“I just want to thank you for everything you’ve done for me. Being here for me and everything. I’ve never had a friend, let alone a guy friend who…” I trail off.
Blue grabs me in a rib-cracking hug, tighter than he ever has. It brings tears to my eyes because I know he’s not like this normally. He’s my hard-ass, wise-cracking friend, but he’s losing me, and we both know it. This is the last time he’ll see me…as me.
“Promise me you’ll be okay?” he says as he pulls back, his voice cracking a little. “Promise, Alana.”
“I’ll be fine,” I say, and I put all of the reassurance I can into it.
Leaving breaks my heart all over again. He stands at the window until my car disappears, and I shed tears as I make my way to Megan’s apartment. Her roommate works nights so she’s out thank God. I change into the new pajamas I bought—things I would never wear, plaid bottoms and a loose black shirt. She’ll like them. I crawl into bed, pulling the covers up around my shoulders, and squeeze my eyes tight.
I let the memories flood through me, one last time. Ian on the side of the road, flirting with me. The first photo of me he took on that beach. Seeing him at the club, when I thought I’d never see him again after the way our beach date ended up.
I try to stop the tears that threaten to well up all over again as I remember our first night together. Ian’s hands all over my body, us fighting and fucking and fighting again. The morning after in the diner, when I realized for the first time that I could fall in love with him, that he could be the future I never even dreamed of having. Endless nights in bed and waking up to the sunlight on his face in the morning. Breakfast in bed naked and dinner out and meals that we burned because we were too busy making out. Drinking on his patio.
I can’t help it now; the tears are running down my face as I remember the rest, the hardest parts of all, because they’re still so fresh, so new. Walking down that cheaply made aisle in Las Vegas, seeing his face waiting for me at the end of it, and making promises that I should have known I could never keep—but oh, how much I wanted to. Kissing in the casino and flying to Mexico, making love in the pool of the cave, Ian’s arms around me, his hands all over me. On our kitchen table, him whispering how he wanted to start a family. Our last night together, the feeling that washed over me as he held me in his arms, the most intense moment of my entire existence. The one and only time I ever knew what it was to really be one with someone, in every way.
I’ll miss him forever. Even if I don’t remember it.
And that’s what I’m most afraid of, losing those memories. If I’m not there to remember it, it will be as if we never existed, as if all of that never happened. But I know there’s nothing I can do about it. I can feel myself losing my grip, losing control, slipping away like I’m falling into a dream. But this time, I’m not coming out.
I close my eyes again and picture Ian’s face. Because I know that when I wake up, I won’t remember it.
I’ll be Megan again.
16
Kam
The next several days pass in a fog. I don’t call Blue, or Megan, and I try to think about it as little as possible—but it’s hard. My father left the file at the apartment, and although I manage not to open it up again, every time I see it sitting on my desk I think about what’s inside, and the possibility that Megan might not be who I thought she was.
I tell myself over and over that if I want to help her, I have to do as she’s asked. I have to give her space. But knowing there’s something wrong with her and being physically helpless to do anything, even to be at her side, is maddening.
So when my phone vibrates in the middle of class and I see Megan’s name pop up on the screen, I jump out of my seat and hurry up the aisle, bursting out of the door and hitting the screen to try and answer before the call ends.
“Megan!” I say excitedly, leaning up against the wall outside. “Megan, are you okay?” I feel breathless, hoping that I haven’t missed her. That she hasn’t already hung up.
“Yes, Kam. Um…hi.” Her voice is hesitant, and I feel my pulse speed up as I wonder why she’s calling for the first time since I saw her name come up on my screen. Is she calling just to tell me we can’t do this anymore? That she wants to be alone? That she’s met someone else?
“Hi! Megan, I’m so happy to hear from you!” I know I sound overeager, but I can’t help myself. I’ve been hoping for days to hear from her, ever since the last call just after I showed up on Blue’s doorstep.
“I’m happy too.” My heart turns over in my chest to hear her say that. She continues slowly, her voice sounding nervous. “Kam…I wanted to know if you could come and see me. Do you think that’s possible? I know it’s a bit of a trek…”
I freeze, happiness washing over me as I nod without thinking, even though she can’t see me. It feels like it’s been months since I’ve seen her, had her in my arms, even though it’s only been about three weeks. I’d go anywhere to see her, to see in person that she’s alright. “Of course!” I say quickly. “Megan, you have no idea how miserable I’ve been without you. Of course I’ll come and see you. I love you so much, and I’ve missed you so much. I’m so glad you finally called. Whatever is happening with you, we’ll beat it together. It’s us against the world, Megan. We can handle anything as long as we’re together.” I try to put as much emphasis as I can into my words, trying to convince her of it.
She sounds more hopeful when she replies. “I’m staying at an apartment in the city, Chicago,” she says quietly. “If it’s weird you can get a hotel, but I don’t want you to feel like you’re not welcome…”
If she wants me there, there’s no way I’m staying in a hotel. My body reacts immediately to the thought of being in bed with her again, of sleeping next to her, her warm body in my arms. I want to jump into my truck right then and drive to wherever she is. It’s been a long time.
Too long.
“Megan, don’t worry about anything,” I tell her reassuringly. “I’ll be there in a couple of days, alright? And then we’re going to figure everything out. I can’t wait to see you.”
“I can’t wait to see you, too,” she whispers, and I can hear some of the same longing in her voice. “I love you.”
“I love you, too. Just a couple of days and we’ll be together again.”
The call ends, my heart hammering in my chest.
My fingers move without my really thinking about it. Before I know what I’m doing, I head straight to Chicago. Something tells me that if I can just see Megan, in person, we can figure all of this out.
And that’s how I find myself that evening standing in front of a grey door in an apartment building that looks expensive, downtown in the heart of Chicago. With my heart pounding, I raise my hand and knock on the door, hoping she’s not upset that I’ve shown up early.
“Who’s there?” I hear a voice call out. Megan’s voice.
“It’s Kam,” I reply, trying to sound as confident as possible. As if I’m not worried she’ll be angry that I came tonight, and not in two days like I said I would earlier.
The door opens, and all I see is her, standing there in leggings and a baggy t-shirt with her hair wrapped up in a towel on her head. But she just looks as beautiful to me as she always has. She stares at me for a long moment, and then opens the door wider. I take it as a sign and step forward.
She gasps as I drop my bag and wrap my arms around her, holding her tightly against me as I hug her. Instead of telling me to put her down, like I worried, she just clings to me, burying her face in my neck and breathing me in. The sensation of her lips against my skin sends a jolt of desire down
my spine, and I’m suddenly very aware that she doesn’t have a bra on under the loose shirt. Her breasts press into my chest, and I remember how soft they feel in my hands, and how easily I could…
I breathe in shakily, setting her down. It’s definitely not the time for that. Not now, anyway.
“You’re early,” she says, blinking up at me. “Is everything alright?”
“I just couldn’t wait to see you.” I set my bag down next to the couch as she lets me in and turn to face her. I’m here with her. Now we can start to fix things. “Megan, it’s been all I could do not to come here for weeks now, but I wanted to respect your wishes and give you space. But once you said you wanted to see me…I couldn’t wait anymore. I booked the first flight out. I thought I would surprise you.” I pause, some of the worry returning as I look at her still face. “Was that wrong of me?”
“No, no,” she says breathlessly, and I know she means it. She’s happy that I’m here. “I’m just surprised. You did surprise me.”
“I don’t want to pry anything out of you that you’re not ready to tell, Megan,” I tell her gently. “Whatever you want to say, though, I’m ready to listen.”
She lets out a long, slow breath, her face suddenly worried and slightly awkward, and gestures to the couch. “You might want to get comfortable.”
I sit on the plush grey sofa facing her, and she settles down across from me, chewing on her lip worriedly.
“I blacked out,” she begins hesitantly, looking away from me. After the charity gala. Blue gave me some information about my family, and I guess I freaked out and took your truck and wound up in Detroit. I’m sorry for that, by the way. I really am. I can’t imagine how worried you must have been.”
“I was really worried. But it’s in the past, Megan.” I tell her this firmly, wanting her to understand that I’m not upset. I was, but I know that I can’t be angry at her here, now. If we’re going to make this work, we have to start with a clean slate, and face whatever this is that’s making her so afraid.
