by April Marcom
* * *
Feeling even better in the morning, I sat down with my parents for breakfast (as usual, Katy was still asleep) and gave each of them a good hug before I left for Emmaline’s.
Somehow, after feeling such intense pain, life seemed sweeter than ever before.
“Good morning,” I said brightly when Emmaline answered the door.
“You…are you all right?” she asked, giving me a curious look.
“Yep, come on. I’ll explain while we walk.”
When I told Emmaline what Hayden had said the day before, she stared at me the same way I imagine I had stared at him. And for some reason, she seemed relieved to hear me say I was going to continue seeing Mason. She was probably just glad she wouldn’t have to listen to me cry about him for the next X amount of weeks…or longer.
In class, I realized I hadn’t done my English assignment when it was time to turn it in. And I couldn’t seem to focus on anything he said throughout the morning.
When the lunch bell rang, Emmaline and I carried our lunch pails outside and sat on the sidewalk. “May I sit down?” Hayden asked.
“Sure,” I said. Although he sat down right beside me, he avoided making eye contact. What he’d said the day before seemed to hang painfully over us.
“We haven’t bought tickets for the dance yet,” I suddenly realized. “And it’s tomorrow night. What if they’re sold out?”
“I already got the tickets,” Emmaline told me.
“That’s a relief. Should I ask my father to drive us? We don’t want to walk there in our dresses.”
“I could drive you,” Hayden said. “I’m sure my father wouldn’t mind if I borrowed his car.”
“I’ve taken care of that already, too. All you need to worry about now is getting to my house tomorrow and getting dressed,” Emmaline said.
“Good.” I took out my sandwich and got about halfway through it before Hayden cleared his throat. I realized he hadn’t even touched his lunch.
“Could I talk to you alone for a minute, Alexandra…over there, maybe?” he asked, nodding to an empty spot in the schoolyard.
“Okay.”
“Or you could just stay here. I need to talk to Marcy anyway,” Emmaline said as she stood up.
“Marcy?” I asked.
“Yeah.” She left her lunch sitting where it was and headed toward Marcy and her little gang, who were all standing under a tree not too far away.
Hayden finally looked over at me. “I feel I should apologize for yesterday, but I’m just not sorry. I’ve been planning to marry you my whole life, Alexandra.” He laid his hand over mine as I rested it on the ground beside me. “Haven’t you even considered it?”
“Marriage isn’t something I’ve really thought about.”
“Well, now that Mason’s out of the picture, perhaps you will. Think of what it would be like if we married other people and lost touch with each other. We’ve always done everything together, less so since Emmaline moved here, but we still tell each other everything. Imagine life without that.”
“Hayden, that will never happen. We’re family.”
“It may feel that way, but we’re not really, not by blood or marriage, anyway.”
I didn’t agree with him at all. He would always be family to me, but I wasn’t quite sure what to say. An uncomfortable silence settled itself between us until Emmaline walked back over to the sidewalk.
“Are you done talking yet?” she asked. I looked over at Hayden, who nodded. “Good, act like I never left. If anyone says anything, I never got up, okay?” She kept casting quick glances at Marcy.
“What did you do?” I asked.
“Just wait.”
Hayden slipped his fingers under my hand and pulled it onto his knee. “Will you come over Saturday? We could go on a picnic or take a walk together,” he asked.
I stared at his hand holding mine. It felt strange to hold a hand that wasn’t Mason’s. And while going over to his house Saturday sounded like fun, I didn’t want to give him the wrong idea. Luckily, before I could answer, a deafening scream came from somewhere behind Emmaline. Marcy was dancing around and reaching behind her back with both hands, screaming in terror.
“What did you do?” I asked Emmaline as I started laughing.
“I just walked past her and dropped a few worms down her dress. I had to get her back for yesterday.”
Hayden gave Emmaline a reprimanding look.
“Are you serious? How did you do that without her or anyone else noticing you?” I asked.
She smiled and shrugged. “I don’t know. I just scratched my head when I walked behind her and let my hand move out as it came down, dropping the worms at just the right time on the way.”
Everyone laughed as Marcy shot toward the school, still screaming her head off.
I took my hand away from Hayden’s to finish eating my lunch. Emmaline and I talked about the dance until the school bell rang, letting us know it was time to come back inside.
And when the final bell rang in the afternoon, Emmaline barely gave me enough time to pick up my books before she grabbed my hand and started dragging me to the door. Marcy stepped in her path before we could reach it. “Did you put those disgusting things on me?” she asked as she glowered at Emmaline.
“Those glasses? Or are you talking about that wilted hat on your head? Because I’m pretty sure you put both of those on yourself. I’m not sure why, but I am sure it was you.” Emmaline smiled innocently at Marcy.
I imagined myself standing in her shoes, trembling like a leaf.
Marcy just gaped at her for a moment, as I’m sure a few students behind us were doing. No one walked past us toward the door. Marcy’s lip curled as she balled up her fist and reached back. But before Marcy could hit her, Emmaline raised her slate and books and slammed them against the side of Marcy’s face, causing her to fall over and scream out as her glasses went sailing through the air.
“What’s going on back there?” Mr. Web called out as he hurried around his desk to see what all the screaming was about.
“Emmaline,” I said in disbelief.
“She was going to hit me. What was I supposed to do? Just stand there and take it?” She grabbed my hand again and pulled me out the door.
Outside, I saw why she was in such a hurry. Benny was standing on the sidewalk, rubbing his hands together to try and keep them warm. Emmaline let out a little squeal as she took off for him. Just before she reached him, she dropped her books to wrap her arms around his neck and kiss him. I stared as their lips remained locked together and realized that I’d spent so much time talking about Mason’s letter that morning that I hadn’t bothered to ask how things went with Benny. Really well, obviously.
“Who’s he?” Hayden asked, coming to stand right beside me and watching Emmaline and Benny.
“That’s Benny.”
“It looks like she’s going with him. Would you like to come over to my house?”
“Actually, we were all going to walk around the city together.”
Hayden put his arm around my shoulders. “We could make it a double date.” Why was he suddenly trying so hard?
I started walking toward Emmaline, forcing his arm away. I didn’t want Benny to go telling Mason about it. “I’m sorry, Hayden. I think Emmaline and I will go to her house after a little while.” I hated to lie, but I had to see Mason.
“Saturday, then?”
“I’ll be spending the night at Emmaline’s, so I don’t know what time I’ll be leaving. How about if I call you?”
“All right.”
Just then, Marcy marched past us up to Emmaline, who was now smiling as Benny whispered something in her ear. “I’ll get you, Emmaline,” she said before she walked away.
“I’m sorry she’s being so mean to you,” I said, standing beside Emmaline. “I feel a little responsible.”
“It’s all right; it’s kind of fun, like having an evil nemesis.”
Hayden grabbed m
y arm, softly this time, and pulled me into a hug. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” he said. I became painfully aware of Benny watching me. I patted Hayden gently on the back before I pulled away.
“Bye, Hayden.”
Benny held Emmaline’s hand as we walked away. “So that’s Hayden,” Benny said.
“That’s him.”
“I can see why he makes Mason so jealous.”
“Well, I grew up with him. He just feels like a brother.”
“I’ve got a couple a brothers myself and neither one of ‘em looks at me the way he looks at you.” I really hoped Benny wouldn’t say anything to Mason.
Emmaline and Benny stayed busy with each other all the way to Swatches. I wondered if they would have even noticed if I turned and went into one of the shops we were passing.
Excitement shot through me when we turned off of Michigan Avenue and I saw Swatches up ahead. I walked quickly, getting ahead of my two oblivious companions, and jogged the last twenty feet to the office door. I pushed it open with numb fingers and found Mason sitting in a fold out chair, leaning forward with his head in his hands. He let out a heavy breath when he looked up and saw me. Relief flooded his face instead of the joy I usually saw. He stood up and hugged me. “I was afraid you wouldn’t come,” he said in an odd voice.
“Why wouldn’t I have come?”
He pulled me even closer. “Your father might have gotten to you.” He pulled his head away to look at me. “You have your family and a future full of whatever you could want open to you, and that filthy rich jerk wanting to marry you. How important could I really be in that picture?” His tired eyes showed his pain and fear.
“Mason…you’re the most important part.” I rested my hand on his cheek as I leaned up to kiss it, his smooth skin warm against my lips. “My heart was broken until I read the letter you wrote me. It felt like I could hardly breathe without you.”
The door flew open and Emmaline stumbled backwards as Benny pressed her against it and continued to kiss her. She just wrapped her arms around his neck and struggled to move around so that the door could close behind her.
Mason and I looked at each other. He took my hand and led me out back. His coat was already on. We sat down beside each other on the picnic table. “Did Emmaline say anything to you about Benny?” Mason asked.
“No. I’m afraid I didn’t give her the chance, because I was so busy talking about you.”
He smiled at me. “Things were kind of reversed over here. I think things might have got a little out of hand with them yesterday.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m not sure exactly, it just sounded like there was a lot of what’s going on in there right now.”
Mason yawned and rubbed his eyes. “Sorry, I didn’t get any sleep last night…I couldn’t stop worrying about you.”
“Why were you so worried?”
“It’s been driving me crazy not knowing if I was ever gonna to see you again. I wanted to come see you at school during lunch, but I thought maybe Katy might’ve seen me, and that would’ve gotten you in trouble.”
“Don’t worry about Katy. She’s obsessed with your father. In fact, she managed to get the letter you wrote me back from my father when he took it from me.”
Mason stared at me with wide eyes. “Did he read it?”
“No, Katy got to it in time.” I went into the big letter rescue and how much Katy wanted me to keep seeing Mason.
“At least half of your family still likes me,” he said when I was finished.
“My parents like you; they just don’t like the mob. And I think you’re right. Things will get better.”
“They’re already better.” He put both arms around me, one on the back of my head, holding it against his shoulder, and inhaled deeply. “You smell so good.”
“How could you wonder if I would come?” I leaned away from him enough to rest my hand over his heart. I fixed my eyes on it so I would be brave enough to say what I needed to say. “My heart belongs to you too, Mason. I would do anything to be with you.”
He reached up to hold my hand and used his other hand to run through my hair. “I’m glad you said that. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you. We’ll need to remember this if things get worse before they get better.”
“Worse?” How could things get worse?
The backdoor opened and Benny and Emmaline walked out. They came and sat across from us. Emmaline’s hair was a mess.
Mason let go of my hand to put his arm around me. “Do you guys wanna play some cards?” he asked, pulling a deck of cards out of his pocket.
“Okay,” Emmaline said. We played canasta and talked and laughed for a long time. Even though I didn’t regret coming there, I couldn’t get rid of the worry always in the back of my mind that my father would march back there at any second and drag me home to lock me in my room forever.
After several games, Benny went inside to get some ham sandwiches he’d bought at the deli earlier that day. “I figured we might get hungry,” he said as he passed them out. A glob of mayonnaise fell on Emmaline’s chin when she bit into hers and Benny leaned over to kiss it off, but she leaned down so he would kiss her lips instead. Their sandwiches were soon forgotten in their long kiss.
I looked over at Mason uncomfortably and he stood up to lead me to the office door. Inside, we sat down across from each other. “Thanks, I really didn’t want to sit there and watch that,” I said.
“Me neither.”
“So I guess you’ll be busy working on cars tomorrow?”
“And you’ll be busy at that dance.”
I looked down as I thought about the dance. “I wish you were coming with me.”
Mason set his sandwich down on the counter beside him and walked over to me. He held his hand out. “How about right now?”
I stared at his hand, feeling a little confused. “You want to dance right now?”
“Sure.”
I could already feel my nerves going crazy at the thought of dancing around to no music, all alone with Mason, but I could never turn him down. So I set my sandwich down beside his and took his hand. He kissed it before he held our hands out to the side and put his other hand on my back. He began humming a ballad as he moved to the side. I fought not to laugh at how silly I felt, but I couldn’t hide the smile. He seemed so at ease, though.
When he stopped humming after a few minutes, I laid my head on his chest, hoping he would keep going. I really didn’t want him to let go of me. So he started humming again, letting go of my hand to put both of his on my back. I closed my eyes and let myself sway back and forth to the sound of his voice and the movement of his body.
At some point I picked my head up to look up at him. He stopped to smile, so I leaned up to kiss him. But he turned his head so I would kiss his cheek. “Mason?” Why didn’t he want to kiss me?
“Maybe we should finish our sandwiches,” he said as he let me go. I struggled not to show how hurt I was as he retrieved both of our sandwiches from the counter.
“I’m sorry, I’m not hungry anymore,” I said when he handed mine to me. “You can eat it.” I took a couple of short steps backward and sat down in my chair. Mason sat back down and ate both sandwiches.
He didn’t want me. He may have written that letter saying that he needed me and stayed awake all night worrying that he wouldn’t see me again, but he didn’t want me. He wouldn’t even kiss me. I felt like crying as I sat there and beat myself up about it. I was never going to get that kiss.
When Mason was finished eating, he pulled his chair over beside mine and put his arm around me. I turned my head away. He put his free hand on my cheek and turned my head to face him. “You don’t understand yet.” He leaned over to kiss my forehead. “But you will soon.”
“Understand what?”
“I can’t tell you right now, but I will, I promise.” He wasn’t making any sense, but I guess there wasn’t really much I could do.
I looked at the cloc
k on the wall behind me and stood up. “Emmaline and I should probably go,” I said.
“Wait,” Mason grabbed my hand and stood up to stop me from walking to the back of the shop. “You’re not leaving because of me, are you?”
“No, I just need to be home in time for dinner.”
“Then will you stay for at least another minute?” He took a step closer to me and laid my hand on his shoulder before he put his behind my back.
Remembering the way I felt at that time yesterday, knowing I would never see him again, I moved closer to him and rested both hands on his shoulders. “Okay.”
“What’s your best childhood memory?”
“My best childhood memory?” That seemed like a strange question.
“Yeah, I want to know everything about you.”
I stared at the blank wall at my side as I tried to draw on a memory. The first thing that came to mind was a day Hayden and I spent in his garden, following a little white rabbit around from a distance, absolutely convinced that he would lead us to the same wonderland a girl named Alice had come across in a book we’d read. We must have spent hours watching it. But Mason wouldn’t want to hear about anything that involved Hayden. So I told him, instead, about a stuffed lion I used to crawl under my bed with and talk to all the time. I told it everything I was happy or sad about, everything that scared me, every secret I kept hidden inside. He was never given a name. I always just referred to him as ‘my lion’ because he felt like part of me, like my arm, or my voice.
“Do you still have him?” Mason asked when I was finished.
“Yeah,” I raked through my memories again, trying to remember what I’d done with him. “He’s in my closet, up on the shelf…I haven’t played with that poor thing in years. I could never let him go, though. He might be the only toy I still have.”
“Maybe I could meet him sometime.”
“Okay,” I laughed. “What about you? What’s your best childhood memory?”
“That’s easy, fishing with my dad. My best friend Mark’s dad died when he was young, so we always took him with us. Even if we didn’t catch anything, we always had a lot of fun.”
The backdoor opened and Benny and Emmaline walked inside. “We should probably go, don’t you think?” Emmaline asked me.
“Yeah, thanks for the sandwiches, Benny,” I said as I let go of Mason. As much as I wanted that kiss, I was done trying to get it. But his arms tightened around me and I was forced into a hug, which I didn’t really mind.
“Don’t be angry, just be patient,” he whispered. I was forced to wonder what in the world he meant by that as I walked outside to meet the freezing air. The wind had picked up, making it even colder.
“So what happened with you and Benny yesterday?” I asked Emmaline as we began walking.
“Magic…isn’t that what you called your day with Mason not too long ago?”
“Yes, but it’s different with you two, you’re a lot more…physical. I have a feeling things didn’t go the same way with you and Benny.”
“You’re probably right. They must have gone much, much better.”
I waited for her to elaborate, but she just smiled distantly at the sky. “And?” I finally prompted her.
“We walked through the park and then went to his house to listen to the radio. When we were sitting on the couch, he just leaned over and kissed me and kissed me and kissed me. Magic.”
“Well I guess you’re lucky,” I said with a sigh. “Mason refuses to kiss me.”
“He hasn’t even kissed you yet?”
“No. I tried to kiss him just a few minutes ago and he wouldn’t do it. He said I didn’t understand but I would, which makes no sense at all.”
“Oohhh, I get it.”
“What?”
“Nothing, never mind. I mean I don’t get it.”
“Yes you do, what aren’t you telling me?”
“Nothing, that just slipped out accidentally. I didn’t mean to say it because I don’t get it, okay?” Emmaline was acting very strange.
“…Anyway, I could have sworn he was trying to kiss me when I brought him those brownies, but now I’m not so sure…”
Emmaline seemed lost in thought the rest of the way home, so it was a quiet walk. Several people walking past us waved or said hello, but she didn’t even notice.
At home I became just as oblivious, tuning everyone out as I sat through dinner. Why didn’t he want to kiss me? Patient about what? He should be the one kissing me. He is the man, after all. I know he was going to kiss me when I brought him those brownies. And there was the letter he’d written me. He was sending me very mixed signals.
“Alexandra!” my father nearly shouted. I hadn’t heard any of whatever he had been trying to tell me.
“Sorry, Father.”
“Your mother was asking what you did after school.”
“Oh, Emmaline and I walked around downtown.” More lying. It felt awful.
“I’ll tell you what I did after school today,” Katy interrupted purposely, which I was grateful for. “Nothing. I sat in my room and did nothing.”
“Don’t complain. You’re only grounded until Monday,” my father said.
By the time I went up to bed, I was so irritated and confused about Mason, I didn’t even think to check my pocket for a note.
