This was the second time in less than a year that I was meeting one of the Dogger brothers to clear the air over misconceptions that occurred years ago. I’d met with Maddox months ago and was shocked to find out that for years he blamed himself for my drug addiction.
Unfortunately, as much as it would have been easier to put the blame elsewhere, I wasn’t that much of a selfish bastard. I was the only one to blame for the choices I made in life.
We walked past the small flower shop that was hosting its grand re-opening. I would stop in once we were done with Baden. It was important for me to support the community that had once been my home.
I may live in a different part of the city these days, but I will never forget the place and the people who accepted a lost ten-year-old boy as one of their own. Too bad I was too angry and lost to realize it at the time.
The small bell that hung above the door of the coffee shop rang as Jen and I made our way in. I took a look around and spotted Baden sitting against the back wall facing the door.
I deliberately arrived late. I also fibbed when I told Jen what time Baden was expecting us. She’ll give me shit later if she finds out.
I knew it was a dick move, but fuck it. I took one to the jaw thanks to Baden and he deserved to sweat a little wondering if I was going to change my mind and stand him up.
“I don’t understand why I need to be here?” Jen whispered nervously. “This is between you and Baden. If anyone should be upset with what happened in the past Damon, then it should be you. They left you behind without a second thought.”
Many factors were involved that perpetuated my departure from Damon’s Demons, however, Jen continues to harbor disappointment about the way those ties were broken.
Baden stood as he saw us approach. He pulled out a chair for Jen and waited for me to sit before reclaiming his seat.
We all sat in uncomfortable silence.
The Barista arrived and took our order.
“Ow fuck, what was that for?” Baden pushed his chair back and began rubbing his shin.
“That was for being a jerk,” Jen hissed through clenched teeth. “What the fuck is wrong with you Baden? Even if you had no clue about the relationship between Damon and Chrissy, why the hell did you hit him?”
This was another area that Jen was blind to. She didn’t believe me when I tried to explain the situation as I believed Baden saw it.
“What did you expect from me when I walked in on my former best friend with his hands on my woman, again?” Baden defended himself.
“Does Chrissy know you call her your woman?” Jen smirked. She was not going to be as forgiving about the entire incident as I had been. “And what the fuck did you mean by again?”
I could have been that guy. The one who wanted to make a point and press charges against Baden for taking a shot at me at the community center. As a matter of fact, I had been contacted by a few unscrupulous ambulance chasers volunteering to take on the case for free.
The case was a slam dunk. It had played out on every tabloid and gossip site several times. Not to mention Baden’s proclamation at the house when he attempted to find Chrissy later that day. After he realized his mistake.
I sat back and took pleasure in Baden’s discomfort. However, it was time to put an end to all the animosity. If Baden and Chrissy got past the colossal mess he made, we were going to be seeing a lot more of each other.
“What’s going on Baden, why are we here?” No more games, I wanted to clear the air and get the fuck out of here. I’d let go of the past and the people who had once been my friends long ago.
“I wanted to apologize for jumping to the wrong conclusion about you and Crystal.” His embarrassment was written all over his face.
“Apology accepted, have a nice day.” I stood to leave.
“Wait,” Baden called, “I’m apologizing for jumping to the wrong conclusion, I’m not apologizing for hitting you.”
“Fuck,” he yipped, “will you stop kicking me under the table?” He chastised Jen.
“You hit him Baden and for what?” Jen crossed her arms defensively across her chest.
Baden looked back and forth between the both of us.
“You’re kidding, right?” Baden leaned across the table. “I find my girlfriend in my best friend’s bed and you don’t think I have the right to be upset?” He growled in her face.
His proclamation caught her off guard. She pulled back with shock written all over her face.
“Baden, is that how you saw it?” She waited but Baden gave no response. “Baden I was never your girlfriend, I was your groupie. You were never monogamous and you never once invited me to one of your famous Dogger Sunday dinners.” She accused, hurt written all over her face.
I pulled her into my side and kissed her temple. I was not going to let Baden Dogger re-write history to suit his conscience.
“Jen saw you come in the morning after my fight with Shelby.” It was time Baden Dogger woke up and accepted responsibility for his part in this scenario. “She told me you walked in and then left without saying a word.”
“What was I supposed to think Baden?” Jen pleaded. “You didn’t get upset or even bother to try to contact me. I was just another groupie. One of many from what I’d been told and witnessed.”
I could see Baden mulling over Jen’s statement. It was no secret that when the band started getting noticed that women began hanging around hoping to fuck a band member. It was a bone of contention with Shelby and me. As our manager, she had a front-row seat to how aggressive some of these groupies could be.
She would insist we take a break from our relationship so she could focus on the band and that I could get it out of my system like the other guys in the band.
Despite her constant insistence that I had to be fucking groupies because I was a man after all; I only ever strayed once. That one time was more than enough to cause irreparable damage to what was left of our relationship.
“Fuck,” Baden growled. “Is that how you saw our relationship, Jen?”
“Yes, for all the reasons I’ve mentioned,” Jen whispered. I remember precisely how hurt Jen was about Baden sleeping with other groupies. All he had to do was call her his girlfriend once and who knows how our history would have played out?
“Do I have the right to ask how long the two of you were fucking behind my back?” Baden sneered and I was not going to let him belittle the feeling Jen and I had for each other.
“First of all,” I pointed my finger in his face, “Jen and I were not fucking behind your back. And the morning you walked in on us, we didn’t fuck then either.”
I watched his face fall. He’d made assumptions based on what he saw that morning.
He shook his head not believing what I had confessed. “Shelby was broken up because she saw you fucking a groupie while snorting coke off her tits. Don’t tell me Shelby lied.”
“She wasn’t lying,” I confessed.
It didn’t help that I never believed I was good enough for Shelby in the first place. It was one of the many things Jen and I had in common. As far as foster homes went, the Foster’s were one of the few that did it for all the right reasons. They had genuine affection for the kids in their care.
That didn’t negate the feelings of abandonment and worthlessness bestowed by the people who were supposed to love us.
Both of our moms chose drugs over their children. Much the way I chose drugs over the band and the men I once called brothers.
“Shelby gave me an ultimatum. I could go to rehab right then or walk away from the band and never come back.” I frowned remembering her words. “She never once asked me to choose her Baden. It was always about the band with Shelby. Our relationship had deteriorated long before that night and we both knew it.”
I sat back and carefully gauged his acceptance of my side of the story.
“I was so tired of the on-again, off-again bullshit Shelby kept pulling. If I was going to be accused of being a drug addict and
a cheater, why not prove Shelby right? I was too fucking high at the time to think of what the repercussions of my action might be.” It was a decision I’d come to regret.
“When Shelby came back looking for an answer she walked in on me fucking a nameless blonde and I was most definitely snorting coke off her tits.” My drug-induced brain was trying to make a point. One that backfired stupendously.
“I found Damon beyond wasted that night Baden.,” Jen confessed. “I took him home and stayed with him because I was afraid he might choke on his own vomit, he was that out of it. That’s all that happened that night.”
Finally, the truth as it was and not Baden’s perceptions.
“So what the two of you bonded because Shelby dumped you?” I sensed Baden continued to see himself as the injured party. Perhaps if we had all sat down and worked this out back then, we could rewrite history. Now, all we could do was apologize for all our fuckupness in the situation and move forward.
“It wasn’t that simple Baden,” I continued. “You know when I turned eighteen and aged out that I chose to move out of the Foster’s. It didn’t feel right staying even though the offer was made. I saw it as taking a place that should go to a kid in the system who needed good people like the Fosters. I was one of the lucky ones but Jen had been placed three times prior to that and not all foster homes are as welcoming or as safe as the Foster’s.” That was all the information he was getting out of me regarding Jen’s experience in foster homes. Those were her stories to share. I felt privileged that she shared them with me.
I never asked her reasons for not sharing them with Baden. I assumed she would have had he asked.
“I moved back in with my mother. Jen and her mother lived in the same building. We were neighbors. You never thought to ask why it was me who Jen arrived with to all our gigs? Did you even know where she lived?”
The barista approached us for refills. It would appear our ‘come to Jesus’ moment was taking longer than I had anticipated. I should have known that it would take a while to sweep away six years of misconception and animosity on both ends.
We waited until the young woman left before sitting in uncomfortable silence similar to when we arrived.
“If nothing was going on between the two of you why didn’t I see you at our next concert?” Baden had addressed Jen.
“I did go,” she told him, “Shelby had me banned. She wouldn’t listen to anything I had to say and told me you said you were done with me.” Jen took a sip of her coffee before continuing. “That didn’t stop me though. I snuck backstage to find you getting a blowjob by another groupie. That only reinforced Shelby’s words that I meant nothing to you. That and of course you never bothered to ask me what happened the morning you found me with Damon. So yeah, I stayed away.” I took her hand and gave it a gentle squeeze of reassurance.
“So you ran back to Damon?” Shit, he really wasn’t getting it. What was it going to take to get Baden Dogger to admit some culpability?
“Did Damon and I commiserate over being screwed over by you and Shelby, fuck yes. However, we remained friends and neighbors for about a year before we began a relationship.”
Baden’s face dropped and his complexion paled. Was he finally understanding how what Jen perceived as his indifference impacted the events that had shaped all our lives?
Jen reached across the table and placed her petit hands over Baden’s. “We were all just a bunch of kids, Baden. We all made mistakes.” She looked over at me. “Mine and Damon’s were fueled by our insecurities about where we came from. We never belonged in your perfect world.” She pulled her hand back and cast her eyes downward, “of course the drugs didn’t help matters any.”
Baden’s eyes snapped back and forth between Jen and me. “We were never perfect Jen. We all dabbled a little.”
I let out a sigh because no matter how much I explained it, Baden could never understand our rationalization. If I could go back in time and tell my twenty-year-old self that all those insecurities and perceptions were false, I doubt I could have convinced my younger self otherwise.
How was I supposed to convince someone who never had to clean up vomit after one of his mother’s benders?
I explained it in the simplest of terms. “To us Baden, you were perfect. A permanent home, encouraging parents and a future that did not include trying to outsmart the pimps and dealers. You may have dabbled, but I was fucking addict Baden.
“But you had that at the Foster’s,” Baden exclaimed.
“Temporarily, sure, but to us,” I held up Jen’s hand that I had been holding, “it was an illusion that we knew would disappear one day. And it did.” I gave him a minute to let what I confided sink in.
“You have to understand Damon, it’s going to take me a little time to absorb all this.” Baden had always had an analytical mind. He processed things before coming to a decision. Too bad his thought process failed him all those years ago and at the community center.
“If you want to try to fix things with Chrissy you’re going to have to fix things with us as well Baden,” I boldly told him. I now understood how important family ties were. I was not willing to give that up. I was not going to interfere with his relationship with Chrissy, but Jen and I were now part of the package.
Baden sat back in his chair and smirked. “You know I never believed in coincidences, that everything happens for a reason. I think maybe this is one of those times. Can I ask how you found out you had other siblings?” Baden inquired cautiously. I was vague with him when he had previously asked.
I looked at Jen and she gave a nod of support. She assisted me through my addiction and rehabilitation. She saw me at my worst and continued to love me. They say don’t love someone for who you think they can be, love them for who they are, faults and all. That was the kind of love Jen and I had developed.
I cleared my throat, “ Five years ago my mom was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer.” I grunted, “I always thought I would find her dead with a needle in her arm, however, it was the fucking two pack a day legal habit that did her in.”
I took a sip of my coffee that had long gone cold.
“On her deathbed, my mother kept asking to see her babies one last time. I thought she was delusional until Jen encouraged me to press her about it. Turns out my mother married young and had two daughters. Her husband left her after her first stint in rehab and took the girls and filed for sole custody.
My mother had this box she toted with us no matter how often we moved. I went on a little scavenger hunt and found a marriage license and birth certificates. I had names, cities, and dates.” I took a long breath. “Of course there was nothing useful in helping me discover my own father.” My mother always said it was a random hookup for drugs situation. I’ve come to accept that.
“After some searching, I found both of my sisters. My mom got her wish and had all three of her children with her at the end.” I decided to skip over the tedious task it was to put all the information together and find both of my older sisters.
“Finding them was the hard part, them accepting me without reservations was something I could never have predicted.” I took a few minutes to compose myself. I had not had to relive that part of my life for some years now. Remembering my mother at the end of her life was the incentive I needed to stay clean and sober. That and Jen’s unconditional love.
“I’m sorry about your mother. It seems like a double-edged sword. You lose her but gain a family. Doesn’t seem fair does it?” Baden’s sincerity was evident.
“What have you been doing these past six years? I always thought we would cross paths one day because of the music.” He asked.
“Jen is a motivational speaker. Her work takes us around the world,” I bragged. “I’m one of her success stories. I’m the fucking poster child for mental health and drug addiction,” I relaxed back on the chair with a grin. “I still do studio work from time to time, but I was never meant to be a rockstar Baden. I knew that all those years ago. I
t was one of the reasons I had no problem with walking away.”
I tried to hold back the bitterness in my next statement. “The only thing that killed me when I walked away was losing my brothers. Lines were drawn and sides were taken and I was not surprised to find you had chosen Shelby’s. Knowing why doesn’t make it hurt any less.”
“Fuck,” Baden ran his hand through his hair before sticking out his hand. “I’m sorry for my part in all of this, and you are correct; if I have any chance to make things right with Crystal, it has to start here.”
I accepted his hand and pulled Baden in for a hug. It would seem I had reconnected with the older Dogger brother, much as I had with Maddox not that long ago. We were no longer immature young adults trying to make the best out of what life has given us. It was time to put the bitterness of the past behind us. None of it was going to happen overnight. However, there was hope for true reconciliation with the group of people I’d grown up with.
We left the coffee shop with Baden making a promise to keep in touch.
“If you can convince Chrissy to forgive you, we won’t have any problems keeping in touch,” I reminded Baden.
“You might want to start there,” I pointed to the flower shop we passed on the way.
“You might want to go with yellow roses,” Jen suggested, “they mean forgiveness. Of course, I see red ones for passion in my future,” she teased as I wrapped my arms around her waist.
“I’ll do whatever it takes to get her back,” Baden claimed. “I won’t make the same mistake twice.” I knew he was referring to the mistakes he made with Jen.
It was foolish of me to think our paths would never cross. Time to come full circle. I decided to take the initiative and contacted Shelby and Adam and put away the past once and for all.
Even if Baden was not able to convince Chrissy to forgive him, Divine Chrysalis was part of Bentley Records along with ReInVented.
With that decision and Jen at my side a weight I had been carrying for too fucking long lifted.
Rock Gods: Baden Page 26
