by Ivy Smoak
"Sure. Feel better, Mila. Oh, are you going to the 4th of July party tomorrow? I heard it's going to be awesome!"
"Yeah, I'm thinking about going."
"I hope I see you there,” Becca said. “Feel better!"
"Thanks!" I quickly took off my apron and went out the door. A second later my phone started buzzing. I looked down and Aiden was calling me. What the hell? I felt like I was going to throw up. What could he possibly want to talk about now? I ignored my phone and it eventually stopped buzzing. But then it started buzzing again. I looked down. Aiden was calling me again. Fuck.
I stopped at a bench on the boardwalk and sat down. For a few weeks I thought I was fine. But apparently I wasn't. I was still a fucking mess. Pining over a guy I could never have was probably just a coping mechanism. Maybe it was one of the stages of grief or something. Anger was definitely one of the stages, and I had plenty of that.
How many times had I called Aiden and he hadn’t answered? Too many to count. Could I really give him the satisfaction of calling twice and me answering? No. A few seconds later the phone stopped buzzing again.
I sighed and leaned back against the bench. Maybe he was calling to apologize. What else could he possibly be calling for? And a late apology was better than no apology. Wasn't it? If I was ever going to be able to let it go, maybe I needed to hear what he had to say. My phone started buzzing again. I can do this.
But then I looked back down at the cracked screen and remembered how it broke in the first place. There was nothing left to say to Aiden. There was no point in taking the call. My phone eventually stopped buzzing and I sighed. Leave me alone.
My silent prayer was not answered. The buzzing started again. You know what? Fuck it. And fuck him. I wanted the apology. He owed me at least that. Maybe it would help me finally move on.
I picked up my phone and answered the call. "Hey," I said much quieter than I meant to. My body was coursing with anger but my voice was barely audible.
The line was silent. Maybe he hadn’t heard me.
"Aiden?"
"Hi, Mila." There was an awkward pause. "It's so good to hear your voice."
What the hell? The feeling wasn’t mutual. Hearing his voice made me feel like I was going to throw up again. "Why are you calling me, Aiden?"
He laughed. "It's weird hearing you call me Aiden. You never really called me that."
He was right. After we had started dating, I always called him babe. My stomach felt like it was twisting in knots. "Yeah." My voice sounded weird.
"I'm sorry that I haven't mailed you your stuff yet. It's just...I feel like you'll really be gone as soon as your stuff is gone."
Why do I want to cry? I swallowed hard. I needed this phone call three months ago. Not now. "I was gone as soon as I walked in on you sleeping with..."
"I know," he said, cutting me off. "Mila." His breathing sounded heavy. "I'm such an idiot. I'm so sorry."
"You’re right. You are an idiot."
He laughed. "I know." He was silent for a long time. "I made a mistake. I'm so, so sorry."
That's what I had wanted to hear. But for some reason it wasn't enough. "We both know it wasn't just one mistake, Aiden. You don’t have any reason to lie to me now. How long did it go on?” I didn’t need to know the answer. I shouldn’t have even asked the question. Nothing he said could fix the hurt.
"I know. I know. Fuck, Mila. I don't know what's wrong with me." He sighed. "I'm sorry."
He didn’t answer the question. I should have ignored it and ended the call. Instead, I heard myself asking it again. For the love of God, why am I torturing myself?
“I don’t know. Six months maybe. But I’m sorry. I screwed up and I’m really fucking sorry.”
"Okay." Nothing he just said was okay, so I wasn’t sure why that was my response. Six months? Was he serious?
“I’m sorry,” he said again. “I know I’m an asshole.”
I wasn't sure if he was looking for me to say I forgave him. But I didn't. My heart wasn't big enough to forgive and forget. I hated him. I hated the way he had made me feel. And I felt that way again right now. I put my face in my hand. Six months. He’d slept around behind my back for six months.
"I miss you."
I didn't say anything. Did I miss him? I felt angry and sad. But I wasn't sure I missed him anymore. I closed my eyes. No, I didn’t miss him. I hadn’t missed him for a while now. Ever since I met J.J.
"When are you coming back?” he asked. “I need to see you."
"At the end of summer.” Maybe. Hopefully not. “Aiden, why didn't you ever call me back? I needed you." Shit. I could feel my tears welling in my eyes. "I needed you last semester. I needed to know why."
"I'm sorry."
His sorry felt empty. It didn't mean anything to me now. "Why did you do it?"
"I don't know. But I can't stop thinking about you. I miss you so much."
"Was it something I did?" That's what had bothered me the most. It felt like it was my fault somehow. Tears started running down my cheeks.
"No. No. I just made a mistake."
Why did he keep saying that? He had made the same mistake over and over and over again. I had walked in on him making one of the hundreds of mistakes. "I'm going to go."
"Mila. Please, you have..."
"I don't want you to call me again."
"I want you back." His words hung there.
He wanted me back? After cheating on me? Humiliating me? Abandoning me? Fuck him. "It's too late." I hung up the phone.
Chapter 17
Monday
“You’re getting really good at this,” Kristen said from beside me.
“Thanks.” I picked up my pace even more. I’d decided that a broken heart could go one of two ways. You could eat your feelings and get a permanent food baby. Or you could get buns of steel by working out non-stop with the queen of fitness herself. This time I was going with the latter and I truly felt amazing. Physically at least. Mentally, I was a freaking mess.
But I actually liked running, which was the strangest combination of words ever. Ever since the game of touch football, I’d been running with Kristen every morning bright and early. I was like a machine.
“So…have you talked to J.J. yet?”
That was the only bad thing about running with Kristen. She loved talking the whole time. I don’t know how she managed breathing through the workout and speaking at the same time. Maybe she was a genie. “No, not really. He stopped by the shop a few days ago but I was busy.”
“Right…binge watching Project Runway. You need to talk to him.”
“And say what exactly? That I’m madly in love with him?”
“Are you madly in love with him?”
My sneakers made a squishing sound in the wet sand. It was like the beach was trying to make me admit the truth. “I don’t know. Maybe. But it doesn’t really matter.”
“Of course it matters.”
“I’m not going to set myself up to be hurt again.” I tried to focus on my stride.
“That’s kind of what taking a chance at love is. Putting yourself out there even though it might end up with you getting hurt.”
I sighed and my pace seemed to slow. “And that’s why I’m just going to avoid love completely.” If I couldn’t have J.J., there wasn’t anyone else I wanted anyway. There was an impenetrable iron wall around my heart now. Period.
“And what about your date tonight?”
“It’s not a date.” At least, it wasn’t to me. Maybe it was to Reggie. I never should have agreed to go with him. What had I been thinking?
“Are you sure about that? It kinda seemed like he asked you out.”
“I’m sure.” I wasn’t, but I had just gotten an amazing idea. A wonderful, terrible, perfect idea. “And you should come. It’ll be more fun if you’re there.”
“I was going to call in for another shift…”
“Come on. It’ll be fun.”
“Being a third whee
l is never fun. But…I do kind of want to go. I just didn’t have anyone to go with.”
I suddenly felt really guilty. I should have turned Reggie down days ago and just asked Kristen to go with me. What had I been thinking? I wasn’t the only one in a love pickle. The lifeguard she had been dating turned out to be an asshole too. With a girlfriend no less. And here I was, trying to throw a pity party for one when it could easily be two. “Then come with us! Pretty please?”
She laughed. “You’re sure it’s okay? Reggie won’t be weirded out?”
“Of course! I mean, of course he won’t be weirded out and of course it’s okay.” It would at least help me avoid an awkward conversation with Reggie. I couldn’t go on a real date with him. All I did was think about J.J. It wouldn’t be fair. Besides, it would be more fun if Kristen came. Maybe she and Reggie would hit it off. In a strange way, I was actually doing them both a favor. I had sworn off love, but Kristen hadn’t. This was going to be perfect.
“Is J.J. going to be there?”
My pace was starting to slow as a cramp spread along my left abdomen. I wasn’t sure if it was caused by running or thinking about my lifeguard. I missed him. And I hated how much I missed him. But I had no way of talking to him. I couldn't just show up at his apartment. I didn't want to walk in on him with the blonde girl. Or some other girl. I couldn't take that again.
“Earth to Mila.”
“What? Oh…I’m not sure. We never talked about it.”
“Well, fingers crossed he is. Although I love this new energetic version of you, the last time I saw you really smile was after one of your many hang out sessions with him.”
“That’s not true. See?” I plastered a huge smile on my face.
She laughed. “Stop. That’s a terrible grimace.”
“It is not.” I took a huge gulp of air. “Fine, it is, but it’s only because I have a cramp the size of Mount Helena.”
“Fine, let’s head back. We need the rest of the day to get ready.” She started running backward, which she swore worked out different muscles.
I didn’t need to work out different muscles. The ones I was focusing on were sore enough. “It’s 8 a.m. at the latest right now. And the party doesn’t start until five.”
“Exactly, we gotta hurry. Race you!” She turned around and started sprinting.
“But it’s a beach party! We’re supposed to dress casually!”
She started running faster.
Kill me now. Who knew volleyball players were like machines? “Wait up!”
***
I knew it was getting close to when Reggie was supposed to pick me up, but I still wasn’t dressed. Mostly I had been procrastinating by brooding over whether or not to tell him that Kristen would be coming too. But there were only a few minutes left before he’d arrive. It was too late. I’d just spring it on him. It would be fine.
I pulled on the lacy red tank top that Kristen had helped me pick out earlier. Now that it was time to actually leave the apartment, I wasn’t sure how I felt about how low-cut it was and how it showed off my stomach. It was a little…over the top in a bad, slutty way. And this date was supposed to be anything but sexy.
But…maybe J.J. would be there. And maybe, just maybe, this shirt would be his wake-up call. I quickly pulled on a pair of low-rise jean shorts over my bikini bottoms and slid into a pair of flip flops.
My makeup had been done over an hour ago, thanks to Kristen. Which was good because she had been hogging the bathroom ever since.
The knock on the door made my stomach drop. I really should have told him about Kristen in advance. “He’s here!” I called toward the closed bathroom door.
“I’ll be out in one sec!” she called back.
I walked over to the door and opened it very slowly. Like horror movie slowly because I was hoping Kristen would pop out and face the awkwardness with me. No such luck. "Hey," I said when the door was finally open.
"Hey, Mila." Reggie smiled at me. "You look amazing."
I could feel my face flushing because I had a feeling he was just saying that because my tits were everywhere. "Thanks. You clean up well yourself." And he did. He was wearing khaki shorts and a blue polo. His face was freshly shaved. He looked really handsome. If I wasn’t hung up on the unattainable J.J., today would have been so much fun. As soon as I thought it, I realized how unfair that was. Today could still be really great. Maybe Reggie was secretly the man of my dreams. Or at the very least, the man of Kristen’s dreams. She had dated the wrong lifeguard before…Reggie could be the right one.
"You ready to go?" he asked.
"Mhm. But Kristen will just be another minute. She’s almost ready though.” Smooth. Don’t introduce her at all, just pretend she was always part of the plan.
“Kristen?”
“Yeah, my roommate. I thought we could all head down together.”
“Oh, okay. That makes sense.”
Does it? Great!
“Hey, sorry it took me so long!” Kristen practically ran out of the bathroom. I had at least attempted to hide my bikini under clothes. Kristen, on the other hand, was embracing the fact that she had great boobs. She was wearing a push-up bikini and a teensy tiny sarong coverup around her waist. I felt immediately inadequate. But also great, because my outfit that I thought was slutty was apparently not.
“Hi, I’m Kristen,” she put her hand out for Reggie.
He smiled and shook it. “Reggie.”
“Nice to meet you. Thanks for letting me join you guys tonight. I know it was super last minute.”
Reggie glanced at me and then back at her. “Oh um…yeah, no problem. You ladies ready to head out?”
“Yup.” Kristen walked past both of us and outside. I closed the door and locked it.
Reggie cleared his throat. “So…is it just the two of you that live there?”
“Yes, we got so lucky. Well, I got lucky. Mila was in need of a roomie and I was in need of a place. It was a match made in heaven.”
“That is lucky,” he said. “I live in that big apartment down the boardwalk and I have three other roommates. It’s always hectic.”
“Oh…do you live close to J.J.?” I asked.
His eyebrows lowered slightly when he turned to me. “He lives down the hall from me. A bunch of the lifeguards live in that building actually.”
“I didn’t know you were a lifeguard,” Kristen said.
“Yeah, Mila didn’t tell you?”
“She mentioned that you played football with her. And that you were really bad, but that’s about it.”
He laughed.
“I did not say that.” If Reggie wasn’t standing between us, I would have hit her. “I just told her we lost.”
Kristen shrugged. “Logical conclusion then.”
He turned back to me and smiled.
I noticed how he seemed more intent on looking at me than Kristen. I never knew with my lifeguard, but it was very clear with Reggie that this was supposed to be a date. It was refreshing. I thought I no longer knew the difference. But at the same time, it also made me feel horrible. He seemed really nice and he was definitely cute. But I had a thing for tall, dark, and handsome idiots.
“I don’t know if Kristen plays any football, but she plays volleyball and she’s a seriously amazing runner,” I said. “She runs like five miles every morning.”
“Oh really?” He turned back to her. “I run every morning too.”
“On the beach or the boardwalk?” she asked.
“The beach of course. Running in the sand is an even better workout.”
“I know! I can’t believe how many people I see running on the boardwalk. Amateurs.”
They were definitely hitting it off. I was starting to like running, but they were on a whole different level. I mean…what was wrong with running on the boardwalk? At least you wouldn’t get sand in your shoes.
“Well that was easy to find, I probably didn’t really need an escort,” I said as we stepped onto th
e boardwalk. The music could be heard as soon as I had exited my apartment. It would have been impossible to miss it. A huge stage had been erected on the beach and there was a live band playing music. At 8 a.m. none of this had been here. It was impressive how fast they’d put it together.
"Yeah, well, I wanted to make sure I got to see you again." Reggie smiled at me.
Stop it. "Psh. But I sucked at football. Like…hard."
"You don't suck at football. It was ridiculously unfair that they put J.J. on you. He's one of the best players."
I sighed at the mention of J.J.’s name. And over the fact that Reggie was staring at me instead of Kristen again. “So where do you two want to sit?” I asked.
“Oh.” Reggie glanced at Kristen and then back at me. “The three of us? Well…” He looked around the crowd as we walked toward the stage.
I had technically told him Kristen would just be walking down to the party with us. I could tell he was confused, but couldn’t he see that he had more in common with Kristen?
There were at least a couple hundred people already there, sitting on blankets and beach chairs, and dancing near the stage. One extra person on our kind of date seemed perfectly normal in the chaos. Plus, I was going to flip it so that I was the third wheel.
"Sorry, I should have thought to bring a blanket,” Reggie said.
"That's okay. We don't mind sitting in the sand." I immediately sat down. See, I’m a weirdo who sits in the sand. Like my friend instead of me!
"Do you want something to drink?" he asked. “I mean…either of you?” He glanced at Kristen.
I knew he was searching for clarity in this awkwardness, but I didn’t know what to do. "I'll just have one of whatever you're having,” I said.
“Same,” Kristen said. “Here I have some cash…” she started rummaging around in her purse.
“I got it. I’ll be right back.” He disappeared into the crowd.
Kristen sat down next to me. “Yeah…this is a date. And I’m totally in the way.”
