Sick Notes: True Stories from the GP's Surgery

by Dr Tony Copperfield

  He lured the unfortunate man to the study in his grand Hall under a pretext… and then locked the door, forced the terrified man to his knees and shot him.

  Johnson died early the next day, despite the best efforts of one of the country’s leading surgeons.

  The aristocratic killer was caught by an angry mob of his own tenants, who held him as he fled, half-dressed, for his horse.

  Now he was on trial for his life, before the House of Lords.

  The cream of London High Society packed the House to watch the case unfold.

  Outside, thousands of commoners waited near Tyburn, where a special gallows was being built.

  The question on their minds: was Ferrers about to become the last English noblemen to be executed?

  DIARY OF AN ON-CALL GIRL

  PC Bloggs is a serving British police office and Diary of an On-call Girl is a true account of her working life.

  Diary of an On-Call Girl was dramatised for BBC Radio 4, was serialised in the Mail on Sunday and is currently in TV development with scripts being written by the writer of the hit TV comedy Rev.

  ‘’The tapes are on, the interview begins, and I ask my standard opening question: ‘Do you understand why you have been arrested?’ Believe it or not, sometimes these words alone can prompt a confused confession.

  ‘I ain't been arrested,’ says Shimona.

  Not exactly a confession.

  ‘Well, you have, because you’re here.’

  ‘I was never arrested, though. No-one never put no handcuffs on me.’

  I put down my pen. Somehow, I don’t think this is going to be the level of interview for which I need to make notes.

  ‘You actually don’t need to be handcuffed to be under arrest,’ I say.

  ‘Yeah, I do. Right, Sonia?’

  Sonia nods emphatically. ‘You do need it, me Ma said so.’

  In an attempt to steer the interview back on track, I look down at PC Cansat’s statement. ‘Look, it says here, “I then said to Shimona O’Milligan, ‘I am arresting you on suspicion of assault and criminal damage.’ I cautioned her to which she replied, ‘Whatever’.” Does that ring any bells?’

  Shimona titters. Then she gets serious again. ‘Does he say he handcuffed me, though? Cos he’s a liar.’

  ‘No, he says he arrested you.’

  ‘Well, I wasn’t listening.’

  ‘This may surprise you,’ I say, ‘but you can be arrested even if you aren’t listening.’

  ‘No, you can’t. Not if you’re inside a house. I know the law.’

  If there is one thing I like more than a gobby teenager, it is a gobby teenager who knows the law.

  ‘Shimona, you are going to have to take my word for the fact that you were brought here under arrest and you are still under arrest now. Let’s move on.’

  ‘Whatever.’’’

  ‘Belle de Jour meets The Bill … sarky sarges, missing panda cars and wayward MOPS (members of the public).’ - The Guardian

  ‘Part Orwell, part Kafka and part Trisha’ - The Mail on Sunday

  SO THAT’S WHY THEY CALL IT GREAT BRITAIN

  Did you know that chocolate bars, fizzy drinks and the flushing loo are all British inventions?

  We also gave the world computers, the iPod and the cash machine, as well as text messaging, the light bulb and the collapsible umbrella.

  There were more serious inventions like ibuprofen, anaesthetics, innoculations and antibiotics. We unlocked the DNA code, produced the world's first test tube baby and invented ultrasound.

  Trains, planes and automobiles revolutionised the way we travel and our advancements with computer technology gave everyone the world wide web.

  Not bad for a country which covers less than half of one per cent of the earth’s land mass.

  Most of the world’s major sports originated here and the television set that they are watched on was also invented by a Brit.

  In this quirky new book, Steve Pope reveals the stories behind some of the world's most remarkable inventions and discoveries - and all of them are British.

  Presented in an easy to read A-Z format, So That's Why They Call It Great Britain is quite simply crammed full of fascinating facts. This book shows –with tons of humour, unknown facts and weird stories – just why our country is called GREAT Britain

  IT’S YOUR TIME YOU’RE WASTING

  A Teacher’s Tales of Classroom Hell

  The eye-opening No1 best-seller about teaching in an ordinary British school: a school where the kids get drunk, beat up the teachers and take drugs – when they can be bothered to turn up.

  It's Your Time You're Wasting is the blackly humorous diary of a year in Frank Chalk’s life. He confiscates porn, booze and errant trainers, fends off angry parents and worries about the conscientious pupils whose lives and futures are being systematically wrecked, recording his experiences in a funny and readable book.

  He offers top tips for dealing with unruly kids, is open about the shortcomings of the staff and even spots the occasional spark of hope amid all the despair.

  Prepare to be horrified and amused by the unvarnished truth about the bottom end of Britain’s state education system.

  ‘Addictive and Ghastly’ - The Times

  ‘Frank Chalk's witty warts-and-all descriptions have won him thousands of teacher fans’ - Times Educational Supplement

  ‘A searing first-hand account of what teachers have to contend with every day’ - Emma Lee-Potter, Sec Ed Magazine

  PICKING UP THE BRASS

  The 80s! The Army! The Madness!

  'Hilarious' - The Big Issue

  ‘Laugh Out Loud Funny’ - Soldier Magazine

  It's 1985, The Smiths are in the charts and Maggie Thatcher is in No10. Eddy Nugent's in Manchester, he's 16 and he's slowly going out of his mind with boredom. So what does he do? He joins the British Army.

  Overnight, he leaves the relative sanity of civvie street and falls headlong into the lunatic parallel universe of basic training: a life of press ups, boot polish and drill.

  Gradually, he finds his feet and settles down to life as a soldier. There's still plenty of press ups, boot polish and drill to occupy him, but he finds time for beer, girls and other bad behaviour. Andy McNab he isn't.

  Picking Up The Brass is an hilarious, riotous and FHM-approved look at life as a young recruit.

  'Eddy Nugent' is the nom de plume of two soldiers, Ian Deacon and Charlie Bell. Closely based on their own experiences, it's a must-read for anyone who has served, anyone who is planning to join up or anyone who's ever thought, 'Surely not every soldier in the Army is trained to kill people with a toothpick?'

  WASTING POLICE TIME:

  The Crazy World Of The War On Crime

  PC DAVID COPPERFIELD is an ordinary bobby quietly waging war on crime...when he’s not drowning in a sea of paperwork, government initiatives and bogus targets.

  Wasting Police Time is his hilarious but shocking picture of life in a modern British town, where teenage yobs terrorise the elderly, drunken couples brawl in front of their children and drug-addicted burglars and muggers roam free.

  ‘Being a policeman in modern England is not like appearing in an episode of The Sweeney, Inspector Morse or even The Bill, sadly,’ says Copperfield. ‘No, it’s like standing banging your head against a wall, carrying a couple of hundredweight of paperwork on your shoulders, while the house around you burns to the ground.’

  'Passionate, important, interesting and genuinely revealing... riveting' - The Sunday Times

  ‘A best-selling, cynical and witty account of life on the beat’ - The Guardian

  'A huge hit... will make you laugh out loud' - The Daily Mail'

  Runner up in Conservative Home’s Book of the Year Award. A full- length BBC Panorama expose of policing was broadcast based on Wasting Police Time.

  PERVERTING THE COURSE OF JUSTICE

  The Hilarious and Shocking Inside Story of British Policing

  You do not have to k
now anything about the police, but it may harm your understanding of the world you live in if you do not read this book.

  Arresting 10-year-olds for stealing sweets… Nicking adults for denying the existence of Santa Claus… Investigating Kelly's ex's new girlfriend's sister's boyfriend's ex for sending her a nasty message on Facebook.

  These are the things the cops spend their time on (as well as fighting drunken thugs, finding toddlers dead in car crashes and cutting down men who have hanged themselves in public parks).

  Controversial, gripping, authoritative and, occasionally, very funny - this book takes readers where the powers-that-be don't want them to go. Forget everything you know about law and order: this is the truth.

  Inspector Gadget is a serving senior police officer. He has written for the New Statesman, The Daily Mail and The Daily Telegraph, and has been praised for his bravery and honesty by everyone from The Sun to The Guardian.

  Read the Inspector Gadget Blog which has had more than 11 million hits and was recently named one of Britain's Top 40 blogs by The Times stating that his writing is 'provocative stuff, and as an insight into life on the policing front line, it’s invaluable.'