Ethan would have enjoyed this lover’s quarrel if David hadn’t looked so miserable. Still, it was David’s own fault that he was in that mess. He was the one pretending to Jessica. If he didn’t confess his true nature, he’d only end up hurting her more.
“Forget it,” Jessica snapped. “You can stay in the guest house, and I’ll stay in town. Then you can call me when you’re ready to act like a real boyfriend.” She marched up the stairs. “I’m getting my things.”
“I’m going to check on Theresa,” Dr. Rosenbaum said. She glared at David. “Find me a room in town alongside your girlfriend. I won’t stay here any longer.” She went up the stairs, still eyeing the ceiling nervously.
David sank down onto the bottom step of the staircase and put his head in his hands. “This is not how I planned things.”
Ethan sat next to him, uncertain of what to say. “She’s just scared.”
The two of them sat so close that their legs brushed. A current of energy seemed to flow from David into Ethan. Let Jessica stay in town. It certainly didn’t matter to him. He imagined being curled up next to David in that double bed in the guest house. They would be all alone out there with no one to bother them. Ethan shivered at the pleasant fantasy.
David looked up as if noticing something, but didn’t move away. In fact, he edged a little closer. “Sometimes, things between me and Jessica aren’t so great,” he admitted. “She wants more than I’m ready to give.”
That’s because you belong with me! Ethan wanted to shout out his frustration. Instead, he reigned himself in and settled for pressing his leg harder against David’s. “Are you sure she’s what you really want?”
David drew in a sharp breath but still didn’t move away. “Sometimes, I don’t know what I really want. I guess I’d like some children, and a house in the country. A dog. Maybe even a pony for the kids to ride.”
Ethan hardly dared to speak. “I want those things, too.”
“Mostly I want someone to share my life with.” He lifted his eyes and met Ethan’s. “Someone I can grow old with.”
Ethan lifted his hand and, carefully, set it on David’s knee. “I think we are both after the same things.”
David began to tremble. Slowly, he raised his own hand and laid it on top of Ethan’s. This time the connection was electric. Ethan felt it in every cell of his body. David pulled on him like no one ever had. It was the same, powerful, connection they’d shared in college. Kiss him! Ethan thought. Just lean over and let your lips taste his.
Banging from up the stairs sent David bolting away from Ethan. Jessica, looking furious, was dragging her suitcase down the staircase. “There’s a bed and breakfast in Groveland. You can find me there.” Her eyes were red and puffy. “Ethan, if David comes to see me, I want you to come along to chaperone. Obviously, he doesn’t want to be alone with me.”
David stood up. “Jessica, I –”
“I don’t want to hear it. We’ve been apart for weeks, and you want to spend the night away from me,” she said and left.
David, his eyes blazing, glared at the front door. Silently, he and Ethan listened to the sound of Jessica’s car driving off.
Ethan laid his hand on David’s shoulder. “David –”
David jerked away and held up his hands. “Don’t. Just…don’t.” His face was as stony as the beach. “I suppose you’re happy about this.”
Not happy, exactly, but relieved. The sham of a relationship shouldn’t be allowed to continue. The longer it went on, the more David and Jessica would be hurt by it. What if they had gotten married? Or had children together?
“Couples fight all the time,” David grumbled. “It doesn’t mean anything.”
“She’s confused,” Ethan said. And so are you. He took a step closer, but David backed up, putting distance between them.
“What is it about you?” David demanded. “I thought we’d put the past behind us. Isn’t that what we both wanted?” His face suddenly sagged, going from stony to desperate. He thought that he wanted answers, but he wasn’t prepared to accept them.
“I want what I’ve always wanted,” Ethan said quietly. “To be with you.” Still. Even after everything that had happened between them. David was the one he needed to be with. The one he’d always needed to be with.
David’s shoulders drooped. “I can’t. Sometimes –” he swallowed, “– sometimes, I want you, too. I think about you, or I dream about you, and I feel like my emotions are swallowing me whole.” His eyes pleaded silently with Ethan. “But it’s wrong, Ethan. I can’t do it. I can’t be with you.”
“It isn’t wrong,” Ethan said. “It’s love. Love is never wrong.” He held out his hands to David. For a moment, he thought that David might take them, but then he backed away.
“No. I’m sorry, but I can’t. You’ll always be a friend to me. A close friend.”
This time it was Ethan who stepped away. “If you believe that, then you’re lying to yourself. Just like you’ve always lied to yourself. You want me as your partner, not as your friend. We belong together.”
They locked eyes. David looked away first. “No. I can’t.” He turned and hurried from the entry.
Ethan took in a deep breath. Emotions boiled in his gut, threatening to surface. He wanted to hit something. Break something! With a grunt, he whirled and punched the front door. Pain jolted through his knuckles and up his wrist. He swore and shook his hand. But the pain was good. Cleansing. It was what he needed to drive away thoughts of David.
Suddenly exhausted, Ethan sank down on a step. It was happening all over again. Just like it had three years before. He chased David, and David rejected him. He loved David, and David claimed to not love him. At least, not in the same way Ethan loved David. It was insane! How much longer would they both torture themselves before something gave way? Ethan needed to let go, once and for all. He’d known it three years ago, and he knew it now. David was never going to break free from his guilt and fully embrace who he was and what Ethan meant to him.
Sitting there, Ethan’s mind flashed back to the night when David had turned from lover to enemy.
David nervously jingled the keys in his pocket as he and Ethan approached David’s parents’ front door. “It’s going to be okay,” Ethan said. He pulled on David’s arm to get him to stop walking. “They’ll be mad at first, but they love you. Eventually, they’ll understand about the two of us.”
David managed a mirthless smile. “You don’t know my parents.”
“Tessa will be there,” Ethan reminded him. “She’ll understand. In fact, I’m pretty sure that she already suspects.”
Another faint smile. “I think you’re right. She’s been dropping hints for weeks. But my parents are another story.” David swallowed and looked at the ground. “I have to do this, though. I have to come out to them. I don’t want to live a lie any longer.”
Ethan grabbed David’s hands and squeezed. “I love you.”
This time, David’s smile was real. “I love you, too.”
Together, they entered the house. It was a typical, ranch style with Berber carpeting and neutral walls decorated with needlepoints of religious verses. A large Bible sat on an end table.
Ethan took a seat on the living room couch while David stood nervously by the fireplace. His parents, both smiling, came into the room. “David!” his mother said, “It’s good to have you back home.” She kissed her son’s cheek. “And this must be Ethan! We’ve heard so much about you.”
Ethan stood up and shook hands with David’s parents. He, too, was nervous and his palms were clammy. He wondered if they noticed. He moved to David’s side, ready to support him in this moment.
When David’s parents were seated in their recliners, David cleared his throat. “Mom, dad. I have something I need to tell you.” His voice was thin. “Ethan and I –”
Tessa came into the room. “David!” She threw her arms around her brother’s neck. Tessa had just started her modeling career in earnest, a
nd was home from New York for the weekend. She’d flown in especially because her brother had asked her to. She hugged Ethan warmly as well. “I’m so glad to see you, too!” She perched on the arm of the couch. “So what’s the good news?”
David took a deep breath. His shoulders were tense. “I wanted to tell you all that I’m gay, and that Ethan and I are a couple.”
Tessa jumped off the couch and clapped her hands. “I knew it! I’m so happy for you two. This is such good news.”
Ethan risked a glance at David’s parents. They both sat, stunned, in their recliners. David’s mother broke her paralysis first. “How is this good news?” she demanded. “David, do you have any idea what you’re saying?”
David nodded. “I do,” he said quietly.
David’s father was slack jawed with amazement. “What are you telling us, son?”
“I like men,” David said simply.
“That’s not right!” his mother argued. “You had a girlfriend in high school. What about Sarah?”
“Mom –”
“David, you listen to me!” A flush rose to his mother’s cheeks. “You don’t know what you’re saying.” She cut her eyes at Ethan. “Did he tell you to say that?”
“Is this a joke?” David’s father asked.
“No, Dad,” Tessa said. “It’s not a joke. He’s serious.” She seized her brother’s and Ethan’s hands. “They’re a couple.”
David’s mother kept shaking her head. Her eyes filled with tears. “This is wrong. It’s disgusting!”
David’s father didn’t say another word. He bolted out of his recliner and stormed into the kitchen. Cupboards banged.
“You’re just sick,” David’s mother pleaded. “College has been too much for you. It’s twisted your head.”
David was trembling. Ethan reached out and took his hand to calm him down.
“Don’t do that!” David’s mother shrieked. “Don’t you dare do that!” She raced towards them and yanked David away from Ethan. “And to think I invited you into my home! How could you?!”
Ethan’s cheeks heated up. He’d heard enough. “Let’s go, David.”
“No! You leave my son alone!”
“Mom,” Tessa said.
Her mother whirled on her. “You stay out of this! New York has warped your mind, too! This is my son, and I won’t let him be led astray!” She hugged David fiercely. “He might be confused right now, but he’ll come around. Won’t you David?”
“David?” Ethan asked.
“Just go,” David told him. “I’ll catch up with you later. I need to talk to my parents some more.”
Ethan clenched his hands tightly, but left without a fight. He didn’t want to make the situation worse. He and David could talk about it later. When David came home, Ethan would be ready to console him. Tessa walked him to the door and gave him a quick hug before he left. “Thank you for being there for him. This is going to be hard.”
“I’m glad that you’re here for him,” Ethan said. He left with a heavy heart.
When David didn’t come home that night, Ethan worried. He lay awake in bed, listening for the sound of the bedroom door opening. He tried calling David but only got voicemail. What could be keeping him? What was going on? Worry gnawed at him.
The next day, he waited until noon before going over to David’s house. David’s mother answered the door. “You can’t see him,” she said, “and you’re not to contact him again.” She started to close the door.
“David!” Ethan shouted. “David, it’s me!”
“Leave, or I’ll call the police,” David’s mother said. “You can go to jail with all of the other perverts.” She slammed the door in Ethan’s face.
For two days, Ethan paced and worried. Several times, he drove past David’s house. He wanted to reach Tessa, but he didn’t have her phone number. He couldn’t eat. Couldn’t sleep. Didn’t attend classes. His frat brothers whispered among themselves and tried to reach out to him, but he locked himself in his room and refused to come out. All he wanted was David!
On the third day, he left the house to go for a run. All the energy that had been building inside of him was demanding to be let out. He couldn’t stand being indoors for another minute. He ran for miles, traversing the trail that cut through the arboretum, but not paying attention to anything he passed. When he returned to the fraternity house, he was sweaty and exhausted, but he still felt the need to punish his body. He decided to go up to his room and lift weights until he couldn’t stand up.
He opened the bedroom door and found David throwing clothes into a suitcase. “You’re back!” Ethan exclaimed, overjoyed.
David wouldn’t even look at him. “I’m leaving, and I’m not coming back.”
“But why? What happened?” When David didn’t answer, Ethan blocked his way. “Talk to me.”
David was a tense ball of energy. His back was as rigid as an iron rod. His biceps flexed. “It was all a mistake. You and me. I was confused, but now I see the light.”
“What? No!” Ethan grabbed David’s shoulder. “How can you say that?”
“Don’t touch me!” David wrenched out of Ethan’s grip. “Don’t you dare touch me, you faggot!”
Ethan dropped his hand, stunned. “What did you call me?”
Tears leaked from David’s eyes, and he scrubbed them away. “You’re a queer! A faggot! You got me to do things I never would have done! Sinful things!”
“How can you say that?” Ethan demanded. “I love you!”
David was on him before Ethan could draw another breath. He shoved Ethan up against the wall and locked his arm over his windpipe. “Don’t you ever say that again!” His entire body strained, as if ready to snap Ethan in two. Ethan was taller, but David was stronger. Ethan grabbed David’s wrist to wrench it aside, but David didn’t budge. “You nearly led me into hell, but I won’t go with you.”
Ethan shoved him in the chest, getting him to back off a step. “You’re talking crazy! What did they do to you?”
“They prayed for me,” David said. He finally backed away and once more started throwing things into the suitcase. “They made me see the mistakes I’ve made.”
“It was no mistake,” Ethan said. The world was teetering beneath him, threatening to send him plunging into a void. “We do love each other. David! Talk to me.”
David zipped the suitcase shut. He grabbed his laptop from the desk. “Leave me alone,” he said and stormed out.
For weeks, Ethan tried to contact his lover. Tessa called him from New York. The moment she heard his voice, she started to cry. “I’m so sorry, Ethan! I tried to talk to them, but they won’t listen to me. David’s confused. My parents are twisting up his head. He loves you. I know he does! But they’re shoving religion down his throat, and he’s scared. He can’t make himself let go.”
“If he would just see me, we could talk this out,” Ethan said. His shattered heart cried out for another chance.
“I’ll keep trying to get through to him,” Tessa promised. “Maybe he’ll come around.”
But he never did. Eventually, Ethan got used to having a hole in his chest. The pain never went away, but he learned to live with it. It became familiar. And he went on living with that pain until the day David called him out of the blue and asked for his help with Tessa.
And now they were back to this again. The pain, which had been dulled over the years, had returned in full force. Ethan bolted off the step and charged upstairs to pack his things. He couldn’t stay in this house. Not with David so close. He would help Tessa, but he’d leave immediately after.
Then he remembered that he didn’t have a car. Shit. Now what was he going to do? He was stuck fast until someone gave him a ride. And the only person he knew who owned a car was David.
Dr. Rosenbaum met him halfway down the hall to his room. She carried her doctor’s bag in one hand. “How’s Tessa?” Ethan asked.
“Resting quietly. She’s had a very exciting afternoon, and excitem
ent is not good for her.” Dr. Rosenbaum was short, but intimidating. She gave Ethan a look that could have shattered a diamond. “You got her riled up again.”
Ethan was tired of being accused and beat up on. “I didn’t do anything!” he stormed. “She started screaming, and I went to help her. All I want is for Tessa to have some peace.” He clenched his hands into fists. “You’ve got to understand. I’m not trying to hurt her. I only want to her to get better.”
The doctor’s face softened. “We have different ways of wanting to help her, you and I, but we can both agree that she’s troubled.”
Ethan, too, relaxed. He shouldn’t be so aggressive to this small woman. She, too, was doing her best for Tessa. “The pills don’t seem to be working,” he said. “Can’t you let her try the spiritual path?”
“I think you may be right about the pills,” the doctor conceded. “I’ve come to believe that something else is going on.” She lowered her voice and glanced down the hall as if afraid of being overheard. “I’m telling you this in the strictest of confidence. In fact, I shouldn’t be discussing this at all since you are not Tessa’s husband or brother.”
“I’ll keep it to myself,” Ethan promised.
“I think there’s something else at play here,” the doctor said. Worry lines appeared in her forehead. “Until now, I’ve thought that baby Faith’s death was an accident. That she, like so many other infants, suffered from sudden infant death syndrome.”
Ethan leaned closer. “But now?”
The doctor shook her head slowly. “I have to wonder if the baby’s death wasn’t from natural causes. Tessa doesn’t remember that night. She says there’s a black hole where the memories should be. And Grant wasn’t there when she discovered the baby’s body. Tessa was alone with the baby that night.”
Ethan gaped at her. “What are you saying?”
“That maybe Tessa had something to do with her daughter’s death.”
Restless Spirits Page 10
