I placed one foot carefully in front of the other, and shone my flashlight on the path ahead. The hallway led me into the main library where the books had been ripped from the shelves and lay in scattered piles, topsy-turvy and filthy, and there were more broken desks and overturned chairs. Piles of empty beer cans littered the floor, and someone had started a fire on the carpet and then doused it with the extinguisher, leaving a mess of sticky dirt.
Sheets of paper covered the floor like confetti, and fast food wrappers mingled with old shoes and stray pieces of clothing.
The walls were covered with graffiti: Tron Funkin Blond and Round Head were scrawled under a picture of a painted teddy bear. There were senseless orange, neon green, and red squiggles, and then the phrase, this vision is full of candy. Thick, pink block cushions of insulation had been ripped out and scattered, and there were piles of bricks that had fallen from the destroyed dividing walls. Even the broken bricks bore the marks of random spray paint. The windows had long since been smashed and were now soundly boarded up with chipboard. One had PRIVATE. KEEP OUT written on it in black stenciled type, under which someone had added … of my pussy. Be magmaimous was written in black by a graffiti artist who had overshot his spelling capabilities. There was a large pile of desks heaped in the corner, this lot unbroken.
Just the usual senseless destruction. Nothing out of the ordinary, except for a terrible smell of garbage and decay and fecal matter and rotting compost. I held my arm against my nose, but seeing nothing to cause any alarm, I relaxed my shoulders and felt my worry ease, which was exactly when I caught sight of a familiar beige Ugg boot.
A boot that clearly still housed a foot. I knew this because the shape of the shoe was too firm and round to be empty.
I knew in an instant what I was seeing, but I was too scared to go further. I stood like that for the longest time until I heard Em calling anxiously through the open window.
I turned and fled back to the window. I climbed up and leaned halfway out.
I think that girl is in here, I said, and I could hardly get the words out. Lenny’s girlfriend, Kitty. She’s dead. She’s just lying here.
What do you mean, you think? Em asked. Did you see her or not?
I saw her foot. I was too scared to look closer. I feel sick. I can’t look, Em, I’m too scared.
Well, don’t look then, Em said. Get out of there. We’ll pretend like we never saw anything. We hated her anyway. She was a bitch, and she deserved what she got, hanging out with Lenny. I hate all of them. Come on Joss, climb out.
But I felt compelled to go back. I need to see if it really is her, I said. It might just be a shoe, I might have got it wrong.
You know you didn’t, Em sounded frustrated. Come on, Joss, please, I am begging you. This place gives me the creeps, come on.
Give me five minutes, I said, and crept back down the hall. My flashlight created eerie shadows and I stepped on a Coke can, and the sound was like a jet plane crashing into the room and I jumped three miles high in fright.
As I got closer to the beige boot, I clapped my hand to my mouth, more to stop from breathing in the stench than anything. I edged up to the foot and found that it was exactly that — a foot joined to a shin that travelled up to a knee, that went past plump thighs that bore red patches of sunburn in some places and motley purple bruises in others. Up to the tight jean shorts with the frayed edges, the shorts that gravitated into the V of her crotch causing her soft inner thighs to puff out like thick cotton balls, while her belly muffin-topped over her waistband. Her T-shirt was raised and her midriff was bare, but her breasts were still covered. One arm was twisted in a horrible, unnatural fashion behind her back while her right leg was twisted impossibly under and outwards from her knee. Her other arm was flung outwards, with her palm facing the ceiling, the fingers curled back.
Her midriff and belly were tinged with green patches, and she was distended and bloated.
I did not want to look at her face, but I could not stop. My gaze travelled of its own accord and what I saw would haunt me forever.
It was indeed Kitty, and her eyes were open, misty and staring, but her face, what was left of it, had been beaten senseless into a barely recognizable pulp.
Her arms and legs were covered in bruises as if she had been punched by an army, and there was even the unmistakable mark of a boot print on her forearm.
Her death had been neither painless or easy.
My hand dropped from my face, and I could not hold my breath any longer. I took a gulp of air, and it was so thick and vile that I nearly threw up. There was the time Mum threw out some chicken, and the next days the flesh was crawling with maggots. We had to throw out the whole bin, and we felt as if we would never get the smell of rotting meat out of our minds.
I swear I can still taste it, Mum had said to me, hours later, horrified, and we drank cup after cup of tea to try to burn away the smell. When that didn’t work, we had a shot of whiskey and then another, but nothing worked, and right now, I smelled that same terrible decomposing abscess-infected stench.
I ran the flashlight along the length of Kitty’s body, and next to her outstretched palm lay the remains of her yappy little dog, its fur stiff and lifeless, filthy and matted.
I was transfixed, despite the horror and the stench, and I nearly had a heart attack when the phone in my pants pocket started to vibrate and ring. It shut off after three rings which gave me time to grab it and when it rang again, I fumbled in my haste and stabbed at the call button with shaking fingers.
Hello? I whispered, still staring at Kitty.
Joss? It was Ash. Where are you?
I’m inside the old school library, looking at a dead girl, I whispered in a rush. She’s dead, Ash, she’s dead. She’s here in the library of the school, I came back here to show Em my room, and we saw the window was smashed, and I climbed in. I don’t know what to do. She’s all swollen, and to tell you the truth, she doesn’t smell so good, I could throw up. There are flies in here too and…
Joss, Ash’s tone was sharp. Get out, now. That’s very dangerous, you must get out immediately.
Ashley’s voice grounded me. Roger that, I said, and I sounded more normal. I’m going to leave, call me back in fifteen minutes okay?
I ended the call and I turned to leave when a glint of silver caught my eye and I shone my flashlight at Kitty’s torso and hunkered down and leaned in closer, holding my breath, stupidly afraid that Kitty would reach out and grab me like a zombie corpse from a horror movie.
I recognized that bracelet. It was Lenny’s. I pulled it out from under Kitty, and I saw that it was covered in blood. I stuffed it into my pocket and I wiped my hand on my t-shirt.
I backtracked, not wanting to turn my back on Kitty, still ridiculously fearful she would sit up or something. I turned around as soon as I could and tiptoed back to the window, easing myself out as fast as possible, just wanting to get out of there. Once I was outside and standing on the chair, I leaned back in and rubbed every surface that I might have touched, using my ruined sweatshirt, taking care not to get glass splinters in my hands.
I stepped off the chair and rubbed it clean too. It was probably unnecessary to be this vigilant but it made me feel better.
I went over to Em who was sitting next to Sam in the shade of a tree, watching me.
How about we go back to town? I said to Em and my voice sounded high and unnatural. I don’t really want to be here right now. I’ll show you my room another time if you don’t mind.
Don’t mind? I love the idea of getting out here. I hate this place. You may have to sleep in the car with me and Sam. This place gives me the horrors, especially now.
We got back onto the road and into town as fast as we could. Sam protested the rough ride with odd little noises, but we ignored him and hurried along.
Em, I need a drink, I said. Go by the liquor store
. It’s time to do some serious drinking.
33. THE FRIDAY PRAYER
I BOUGHT THE CHEAPEST BOTTLE of vodka at the liquor store then I ducked into the dollar store for some orange juice, and we rushed back to the car. By unspoken consent we climbed into the back seat together, and put Sam in the front.
Wait, I’ve got some crappy plastic mugs here. Em pulled them out and I mixed us each a generous drink that was mostly vodka.
Two swigs later we had emptied the mugs and were feeling calmer and ready for a refill.
You know what’s odd? I asked.
I’ve got no idea, Em said dryly. Amaze me.
I swatted her. That Ash didn’t phone me back. He phoned me in the library right? And he said he’d call me right back but he didn’t. I wonder what’s with that?
Maybe he fell asleep again? Em suggested, filling our mugs up with thirds.
I dunno. He sounded really worried about me. I don’t know what to do. It’s not like I can phone him.
I was feeling quite drunk. The combination of alcohol and fading adrenalin was making me feel sleepy and I felt disoriented, as if the world had slipped a notch.
I pulled the phone out. No calls.
Very strange, I said, hardly able to get the words out.
Next thing, Em and I were slumped on each other, fast asleep.
We woke several hours later, groggy and sweaty in the late afternoon sun.
I peeled myself off Em, and she stretched and yawned.
Let’s go down to the beach for some fresh air, Em suggested. We loaded Sam into his wagon and dragged him down where we could sit in the shade and discuss the day’s events.
Lenny killed her, I said. And no one knows. The guy who boarded up the door didn’t look inside, he told me that himself. What day was that? I’ve lost track of time. I really should have got a calendar. It’s been what, at least a week since Lenny was circling like a rabid bat? That was on a Sunday, so it’s been more than a week. He knew she was in there, and he must have come back for her the day I saw him, which was the day after it happened, and then he couldn’t get in.
But how was he planning to get her back to town on Sunday? Carry her back?
I truly doubt he was going to take her back, I said. I mean how would he explain it? He was going to bury her in the woods and say she left town, I bet that’s it. And they broke that window before realizing it would be impossible to get her out through there. So why haven’t they tried harder to get that side door opened again?
You have the smartest brain, Em said. I truly don’t put things together like you do. You’re so impressive.
Thank you, but I don’t feel very impressive. And I’m very worried about Ashley. I wonder why he didn’t call like he said he would?
Yeah, well no point in worrying about it, Em said, stroking Sam’s big head. You can’t do anything anyway.
I was about to snap that telling me not to worry was not a helpful comment, when my phone rang three times, stopped, and then rang again. I grabbed it as fast as I could.
Ash?
Sorry Joss, he said. Rob came back just after I put the phone down from you. I wonder if he has the house bugged, I really do. I nearly died of fright. I told him I called my phone to see if anyone answered, and I said it just rang. He didn’t say anything. He’s just gone out again now to get us sushi, so I can’t talk for long. Where are you?
Down at the beach, I explained. Listen, don’t talk now. Do you think you can call me tomorrow?
Yes, absolutely. Good news. Rob is going away tomorrow evening, I will phone you as soon as he has left.
Only phone when you are sure it’s safe. Like, what if he phones and the line is engaged? He’ll know it was you.
I could have been getting takeout. Joss, don’t worry so much. I’ll be fine. And I was right, he was very sorry. I got a Rolex with diamonds.
Not worth it, I said instantly. Listen you, take care now, we’ll talk tomorrow night.
Wait, Joss, Ash’s voice was urgent. Where are you going to stay tonight? I don’t want you staying there.
Please don’t worry, I really am fine there. Cross my heart and hope to die.
Do not say that, Ash said. Must go; talk tomorrow.
See, I told you, Em said, he’s fine, you worry too much.
I care about him, I said defensively. I’m going to head back to my shack. I am worn out, and need to rest and think about stuff. You alright here?
Fine and dandy, sweet thing, Sam and I are going to enjoy this excellent sunset and chill out. Although how you could go back there, I have no idea. See you tomorrow?
Bright and early, I said, and I kissed Em on both cheeks as I stood up to leave. See you tomorrow. Good night big guy. I patted faithful Sam and headed across the sun-dappled lawn. It was a perfect summer’s evening. Squirrels ran up and down the trees, and dogs barked and rushed across the emerald grass. Couples pushed strollers, and serious cyclists flew by. The entire neighbourhood was out in full force.
But, having sobered up, all I could see was the misty wide-eyed stare of Kitty’s eyes and the bent wrongness of her limbs. And I could still smell the stench that had risen off her like rotting old cheese. I shuddered at the image of her bloated stomach and the awful colour of her skin.
I had not eaten since breakfast, not counting my lunch of orange juice and vodka. The last thing in the world I felt like was food, but just in case, I picked up a large bottle of water, a can of soup, a Kit Kat, and some crackers. I thought about getting more vodka but decided I had had enough for one day.
I made it safely back to the admin building, and I locked myself in my room, relieved to be there but feeling grimy and dirty, thinking I’d kill for a shower and then regretting my poor choice of words.
I thought about Kitty, a few buildings over, her remains twisted and disrespected. I thought about how she had been there all week without my knowing it, and that made me utterly sick. While I had read and slept and gone about my life, she was there, dead. I wished there was something I could do to let Serena know she was there, but it was too risky. First I just happened to stumble across an Islamic jihadist, then I happened to know about a body on the grounds of a former Islamic school? Of course, I could place an anonymous call to the police station, and not contact Serena at all, but then the cops would be crawling all over the place and I would have to leave and I didn’t have anywhere to go.
I was also annoyed with myself for not having come up with a better plan for my own future. I had been sure that I would have done that by now, but if anything, the real world seemed farther away than ever, a place I had left long ago and could not imagine revisiting.
I pulled off my clothes. I felt as if I had been on a long road trip through a dusty hot land and drunkenly falling asleep in Emma’s car like that had not helped.
I poured water into a mug and I washed myself as best I could, and followed that with a wet-wipes wash, using nearly the whole carton this time. Then I rubbed body lotion all over myself till I felt marginally more human.
I thought about Ashley and I wondered if I should mention what Rob was up to. While it wasn’t any of my business, I felt angry about all the people Rob had scammed, using their money to buy diamond Rolex watches and brand-spanking new Mini Coopers for his boyfriend. It certainly wasn’t Ash’s fault, but I wondered how he would feel, being the recipient of such ill-gotten gains.
Then I thought about Shayne and how Caroline must have felt about things. No way having a holy-roller for a brother could make her happy; it was not quite the same as introducing her brother, the doctor. That thought made me smile.
I wondered if I had been waiting, all this time, for my former life to walk up to me in admin building and say, Hey, sorry about the mix-up, we’re all back. Look, it’s your house, your job, and me, Shayne. Of course, that was just plain stupid and it was time to take
responsibility and get on with things.
I picked up The Satanic Verses and flipped through the pages I had highlighted:
Nothing is forever.… Maybe unhappiness is the continuum through which a human life moves, and joy just a series of blips, of islands in the stream. Or if not unhappiness, then at least melancholy….
I certainly felt melancholy right now but I couldn’t accept that forecast as my destiny. I paged through the book until I found the passage to which I kept returning, not yet knowing the answer to the question.
WHAT KIND OF IDEA ARE YOU?
Are you the kind that compromises, does deals, accommodates itself to society, aims to find a niche, to survive; or are you the cussed, bloody-minded, ramrod-backed type of damnfool notion that would rather break than sway with the breeze? — The kind that will almost certainly, ninety-nine times out of a hundred, be smashed to bits; but the hundredth time, will change the world.
I would rather be a bloody-minded idea that had the potential to change the world than be a continuum of unhappiness. But how I was going to do that, I had yet to figure out.
I picked up Imran’s binder, thinking I should look through the whole thing carefully in case there was anything that might give me a clue as to what, if anything, he had been planning. I didn’t know exactly how long ago the diary had been written and a lot might have changed, but you never know.
“Not equal are those believers who sit (at home) and receive no hurt, and those who strive and fight in the cause of Allah with their goods and their persons. Allah hath granted a grade higher to those who strive and fight with their goods and persons than to those who sit (at home). Unto all (in Faith) Hath Allah promised good: But those who strive and fight Hath He distinguished above those who sit (at home) by a special reward…” [The Holy Quran 4:95].
Between the Cracks She Fell Page 16
