In a law practice, it’s really beneficial to have someone to discuss matters with or seek feedback from about the approach you took after a difficult matter or client. Her door was always closed. I believe that she may have been worried that sharing the work would have eaten into her bonuses. There was nothing equitable about how she behaved. She acted the same way professionally. Some of her decisions were rather underhanded. I did not want to be there.
I think there must have been some personal and professional envy. She had a strange manner about her. Her interpersonal relationships with everyone were just odd, but she was particularly wrathful toward me. My mere presence bothered her. I tried to be friendly. I invited her out for a movie. She came, but as soon as we were back at work, she was horrible again. She was a vegan, so for her birthday I made a vegan cake and took it into work. Same deal. I made a vegan soup at home and brought some in for her for lunch. I would try to engage her in conversation. In the end I gave up. I simply gave up. She would not speak to me, so I stopped saying good morning or good night, and it was just silence. For the last three months before I left that job, she had not uttered one word to me. And no one noticed. When I left, I told my boss that this was one of the reasons why and she was totally surprised. She had not even noticed; then again, she was only part-time.
I thought I could win this woman over, but her dislike of me was clear and there was going to be no winning-over. When I got a new assistant, she treated my assistant in the same manner. It was like we were from a tribe that was not part of her tribe. It was all very stupid.
I let it go the minute I walked out the door. Now that I have left, I imagine that we might be able to be cordial to each other in public. At least, I hope so. I am a very open and social person and make new friendships easily. I have never come across this behavior before. I was surprised that I could not win her over with friendliness. I thought with time she might thaw out, but I was wrong.
I don’t think that women who are secure in their jobs and hearts behave that way. In my current position, I have come across women who don’t know me at all yet have offered support and help. They are successful and independent and happy and don’t feel threatened in any way. I believe that the competitiveness between women who have high aspirations professionally also plays a big role.
What helped me get over the bitch who refused to speak to me was to move on. I was terribly unhappy. I knew my options: I could put up and shut up, or I could move on. I moved on because I could see that it was not going to change. You cannot make someone like you if her mind is turned to not liking you! The atmosphere was unpleasant and thick with unsaid words. When I left, the relief was immediate.
Pria did triple somersaults to please her, but nothing could budge the Excluder, who was driven by the fact that Pria was of no use to this Queen Bee. Pria’s action in leaving was her best option. What is particularly telling in this story is the lack of awareness from colleagues that this is happening. It’s worth noting that men do not tend to notice exclusion in the way that women do—after all, they do not tend to seek the same connections that women seek.
Eva, 31, Scientific Company
She almost paralyzed everything I was supposed to do. Blocked me. After trying to identify why and trying options to work around it, I left the company because of exhaustion. I couldn’t keep trying, as it was a waste of time and energy. I had been warned! I didn’t believe it until I experienced it firsthand. The average person in my position lasted three months; I kept trying for nine months. What a waste! I was determined to prove that I could do a good job, so that they could see I was worth keeping. I thought I could prove it with results, but it wasn’t enough! I don’t give up easily, which could be my problem.
I realized that I had tried my best, but I am more careful with my time and energy now.
Eva tried to find ways around the Excluder, to no avail. Clearly it wasn’t a personal attack—the previous people in this position had not coped, either. It’s important to acknowledge that not all Excluders make everything personal.
Delia, 39, Marketing
A high-profile career woman in the media joined my employer’s organization in a difficult time as a merger was happening, to take over a merging team that I had been managing in the interim. She took an autocratic approach to rebranding decisions and started to overrule anything I suggested, despite the fact that I was the manager responsible for programs being rebranded. She would not listen to any input or reason and would ignore me, my team, and my supervisor (her colleague). She worked on the basis of using her feminine prowess and sexuality to keep the (male) CEO on her side.
Eventually, after attempting to have meetings with her to discuss issues (she would never turn up), I sent her an e-mail describing the insight we had obtained from research conducted a year previously, explaining the rational repercussions of what she was planning to do. I agonized over that e-mail. It was ignored—my supervisor had said he would take action, but he did nothing. He reneged, and it was as if he were running away from her.
Eventually I confronted her in our work kitchen one day. I pointed out that she hadn’t turned up at any of the meetings she had agreed to, despite her scheduling them in her diary, and I suggested that we should talk. She looked at me, folded her arms, shook her head, and walked off. Before this stage, she had done a wonderful job of making me feel intimidated whenever I was near her, so to even say a word to her in the kitchen was a big deal for me—I came away shaking.
I could not confront her again, was demotivated, and had lost confidence in myself and my ability. I felt very alone, because even my supervisor was too afraid to support me, while professing to agree with me. I went out of my way to avoid having to work with her, which was hard because we were in a major project group together—where again she would not listen to anything I said or suggested.
I used a member of her team who was approachable, professional, and collaborative to figure out how to work around the issue of this woman. We managed to get some things sorted out without her noticing.
With the arrival of a new (female) CEO, she very quickly left. Rationally, I know that the outcome of her work on rebranding was good, and I appreciate that it was a difficult time to be forcing through a brand change, as people were still reeling emotionally from the wide-ranging changes. Our organization was more concerned with outcomes than processes.
Delia had enormous stores of resilience, and she tried many ways to resolve the problem. She found some ways around the situation, by locating one of the Excluder’s team who would communicate. In addition to having no use for Delia, the Excluder also had the label of “past threat,” given that the Excluder was in an acting role. By excluding Delia’s input, the Excluder was effectively killing her off. Delia’s determination and persistence enabled her to find a way around the block; however, the toll taken on this intelligent, creative, highly talented woman was enormous.
Delia’s case raises another pertinent point. Often, an Excluder will deliver the goods, so the organization may be loath to intervene over what is seen as an interpersonal matter. Delia was disappointed in her manager’s promise and subsequent failure to intervene. A basic rule for good managers is this: Don’t promise what you can’t or won’t deliver. Laissez-faire management can be another word for hands-off, avoidant management. While this may be effective with a collegial group of high-functioning professionals, it is ineffective in cases like Delia’s.
Kara, 45, Television Industry
My experience with a bitch took me completely by surprise. This was someone whose career I had always boosted and argued for when I was her supervisor. I tried to give her opportunities, defended her against male bosses’ occasional undeserved sneers, and accepted her invitation to have coffee to talk about her career and how to advance it, including how to do the job I was doing, which I didn’t want to do forever. Was that a mistake!
When I chose to step down from my role, I told the bosses to appoint this woman in m
y place. They took my advice. I could not believe what followed. She was my direct report, and I needed her permission before I could start on a project. I would go to see her, and one of two things would happen: She would airily dismiss my ideas, or she would bark that she was far too busy to speak to me now because she was dealing with something much more important. I swear, that is the exact phrase she used. At one point, she was too busy for three whole weeks in a row, which made my work life pretty, er, restful. She was effectively gatekeeping me out of the job.
Assignments she rejected involved pivotal subsequent events that had huge implications for our business. She refused me because she didn’t think these events could ever happen—despite my track record of reading likely scenarios and keeping our business on top of everything. I never got to do that project. The rest, of course, is literally history. I might point out that it wasn’t just me who missed out because of her blocking behavior; it was the employer, too.
She also sometimes mediated for another manager who was briefing me on a project. She would leave out the key point of their meeting when she was passing it on to me, and then blame me, when I got back to the office, because I hadn’t asked the key question. I would protest my innocence; she would insist she had told me—completely infuriating.
In other words, she kept her foot on the back of my neck. She prevented me from initiating or winning projects, undermined me with other bosses, and blocked opportunities. My career was in stasis while she was in that job. I considered leaving that employer. Luckily she was promoted out of that role into another area entirely and I could breathe again. My career took right off once she left, and I have had the best few years I have ever experienced.
I could think of no ways to counter her. Going over her head would have created a huge uproar, and I would have had to explain why, and I would have looked like a woman who could not work with a female boss (in fact, I have worked happily with several, and all the managers I report to at the moment are women and I get along very well with them). And did I mention her behavior with men? Two younger men were among her staff. She would sit for hours in their area, shooting the breeze, utterly fascinated by them—that’s when she wasn’t in the office of her (male) supervisor, twirling her hair and flirting.
There are two younger women with whom she gets along extremely well. Both of these younger women—who are a generation behind her and therefore not threatening—are also queen bees who are fiercely resented by women their own age in the office for being patronizing, hostile, and obstructive. Queens seem to know how to manage other queens, which seems counterintuitive, but there you go.
What was underneath her behavior? Envy and competitiveness and a pathological longing for male approval. She knew I was terrific at my job. Also, on the one hand, she wanted to be a manager, but on the other hand, she missed the public profile and creativity that went with being in the less senior job.
She also found me threatening because I had done the job she was now in, and had done it well. Also, I was intelligent and capable. She has gone on in her new job to surround herself with men, kind of like a male emotional harem. I have this theory that such women stay fixated in the Electra stage of development, daddy’s girls who never cross the bridge of womanhood to stand with their mothers and other women.
I did institute one strategy for dealing with her, on the basis of my therapist’s advice about secrecy being her weapon and transparency being mine. When she gave me a project, she would often toss a one-line request at me in conversation. I began sending her confirmation e-mails in which I wrote down my understanding of what she wanted and asked for more detail. This resulted, after some insistence on my part, in more detailed written instructions. This was documentary evidence of what my instructions had been, and the problem of arguments over who said what disappeared.
In Kara’s case, the Excluder cut her off for two reasons—Kara was no longer useful and she had been a threat. Kara’s story is a good example of how to get around a situation—even though it was more time-consuming to get everything in writing, the long-term benefits were gained through the removal of a layer of complex ambiguities.
Mary, 50, Professional Association Management
Top-of-the-tree women seem power hungry—this particular woman always has to win an argument and have the last word. At conferences, staff at different levels in the organization contribute to discussions with good suggestions, but we’re all ignored because this woman completely ignores our ideas and insists on implementing hers. She won’t allow any ownership by regional staff; they run the programs but aren’t allowed to be creative or flexible or have any input. It’s as if they do not exist. This woman on top wants to claim credit for everything that would please her CEO because that is the way to feather her own nest. She won’t ever challenge upward or endanger her position by being seen to be obstreperous.
Mary’s Excluder was also probably an Insecure type, but the behavior that caused the staff the most grief was her dismissal of their input.
How Does the Excluder Make You Feel?
She acts cold, withholding, determined to bowl past, pretending you don’t exist; she is temperamental, disengaged, secretive, surly.
You feel invisible, ignored, unseen, not valued, alone, unwanted or unacceptable, and left out. It’s as if you’ve been run over (by a truck) in her wake, as if you are back in primary school when the in crowd kept you out.
Physically, you feel your heart thumping as you approach or as she walks by. There is constant banging in your head, your jaw is tight, and you’re on your toes all the time.
Why Does the Excluder Behave Like This?
Four main conditions trigger the Excluder’s behavior. It’s wise to be aware of these, so you can avoid making the situation worse, if possible, and learn how best to protect yourself. Sometimes, the exclusion is not about you, and it might be a short-term situation that can be resolved.
1. She Is Hurt and Angry
Women are likely to have one of two ways of dealing with their hurt and anger, through either thinking or feeling responses. Chapter 10 looks in detail at thinking and feeling preferences in decision making and communication and the distinctions that can help you understand how to deal with your Excluder.
The important thing to note here is that sometimes you might feel excluded by your boss or co-worker, but you might not be aware of the other things that are going on outside work. The exclusion might, in fact, be temporary. Or you might have inadvertently made her feel hurt or angry about a particular situation, and her way of dealing with it is to shut you out, rather than talk about it.
2. She Dislikes You
This Excluder has no interest in changing her own behavior. The only way she will change is if a more senior manager reads the riot act to her. The only leverage you have is if the organizational culture changes or a senior manager insists that she speak to you. If this is not going to happen, you could alert your colleagues and brainstorm ways to ensure that you are kept in the loop, receive correct information by having several sources, are cc’d on e-mails, and can be supported in your decision either to greet the Excluder with professional courtesy despite her lack of response or to accept the exclusion.
3. You Are of No Use to Her
Ask yourself whether you wish to be acknowledged by this ill-mannered ladder-climber or not. If you do, you may either mention your social or information networking value to someone else who is likely to pass it on, or consider the organizational culture regarding minimum standards of greeting.
Apart from gaining some ground in establishing a basic greeting—a nod or a hello—you cannot expect that her behavior will change to any degree, unless she needs something from you that is not part of the role description or unless you do become useful.
4. You Are a Threat to Her
At a primitive level, dealing with a threat by using exclusionary behavior is tantamount to saying, “I am annihilating you; you do not exist.” It is unlikely that this beha
vior will change when you are at a similar level.
Both Delia and Kara demonstrate one of the best qualities of women in management—their capacity to lead a team in an acting position, then relinquish their team and happily shift into their new roles without interfering. They are eager to share professional wisdom. However, some women are unable to make that conceptual shift, and they assume that anyone who changes, for example, from management to specialist must harbor ill will or be some sort of threat to their power.
Is It Possible You’ve Got It Wrong?
Your boss might have access to information you don’t have, so while it looks as if she’s keeping you in the dark, she’s just doing her job. If she is a good manager, she will probably let you know that there are things she can’t share with you, but she is fairly cut-and-dried by nature and doesn’t consider your feelings to be at all important. This situation reminds you of the time you worked for a real bitch who left you out of the loop—she went out of her way to not include you, and it was very hurtful. This boss is a bit rude, but not necessarily an Excluder. Remember, to identify a type, you are looking for sustained behavioral patterns.
Dealing with the Excluder
Her silence gives you much to consider. Does she dislike you? Are you being punished? You wonder if there is anything you can do to make the situation better. When you hear nothing from the Excluder regardless of what you do, you get to the point where you don’t believe you have the right to ask for anything, say anything, or give constructive criticism. The bottom line is that she’s not interested in communicating with you.
Working with Bitches Page 3
