Anskie, 38, Education
When I was a young first-year teacher, I had one other female teacher who seemed to have it in for me. She was middle-aged, prim and proper, the conservative-clothes type.
When she had me on her own, she took any chance she could to reprimand me for things like chatting with students, helping them with their work in the staff room, and having students call me by my first name, and she often embarrassed me by telling me the top I was wearing was too revealing. It made me feel angry, frustrated, and nervous every time I saw her. I think she was a very bitter, unhappy, and frustrated person with an obsessive personality.
Now I feel sad for her, and I can see how unhappy she must have been. I feel very fortunate that I haven’t really come across too many bitches over time … but the ones I have encountered behave similarly.
Anskie experienced how some women resent another woman’s joy of living and wish to spoil it. The Insecure had such a rigid personal code that she couldn’t tolerate anyone who didn’t adhere to her rules. In this case we’re also witnessing the struggle between different generations and a clash of old and new philosophies. These transitions can be hard to negotiate. From her viewpoint, the older teacher might have been genuinely concerned for Anskie, worried that familiarity with students might destabilize Anskie’s power and control over them and that the young teacher wasn’t aware of the effect on her students. However, you can raise concerns in ways that are respectful and helpful. This teacher’s way was punitive and denigrating and, well, bitchy.
Amelia, 42, Insurance
I’ve worked for a couple of bitchy women. In the first instance, my youth might have contributed to my manager’s horridness. She was friendly in the office but vile in client meetings or presentations—a real stealer of credit and also unrealistic about what was achievable. I worked so hard to please her, but the boundaries were stretched too far. The second manager was demanding, too, but she would make all the right noises about being a supportive superior. When push came to shove, however, her expectations were unrealistic. Eventually I learned to push back, and when the push was delivered with reason and clarity, she really had nowhere to go.
I now know that working sixteen-hour days to meet a client’s and my superior’s unrealistic expectations is an unreasonable demand that needs to be addressed, not pandered to. A positive is that I discovered my capacity for hard work. I did learn from these two women. Nearly two decades later, I think I am a much better manager for learning from their mistakes.
Amelia learned that it is important to get your head and heart straight before you tackle the situation. It’s easier said than done, particularly when the Insecure is in a position of power over you. But Amelia wrote things down so that she could be clear, calm, and confident, and her insecure boss had very little defense against reason.
Patrice, 36, Regulatory Authority
I worked for an insecure bitch boss who used coldness and bad temper to intimidate and erode the confidence of staff. She played favorites and accused the nonfavorites of being jealous and victimizing her pets. She responded to feedback or any suggestion of poor supervision on her part by flying into a rage. She “counseled” me about perceived faults and used any requests for clarification as evidence of my “not being able to take feedback.” The only thing I could do was to go around the coldness and hostility, listen gravely to the counseling, express thanks for the feedback, and, in as noncommittal a way as possible, agree to work on the listed faults.
I learned to be clear and calm and do things by the book and preferably with plenty of witnesses around to see who was being “mean” and who wasn’t. Treating her like a sulky preschooler worked well: “Yes, I hear that you’d do it that way with Mr. X, but we’re going to do it this way. Could you set up the ABC for me, please? Great, thanks so much.”
Eventually, the best solution for me was leaving and finding a less toxic workplace. I learned that you can’t fix someone’s personality or issues for her; all you can do is work around the person or leave. There is still a lack of useful models for female leadership that are socially acceptable. So for women who aren’t naturally skilled at managing and leading, or don’t have a lot of emotional maturity, or both, it can be difficult to know how to act in a lot of business situations without erring on one side or the other of little girl versus bitch.
For some time afterward, Patrice had to work really hard to regain confidence in her standard of work and communication skills. She reminded herself that every other workplace had rated her highly, so there must have been something strange about this woman’s standards.
Patrice and her elder sister had been very competitive as children. Her sister seemed to want to hurt her, mocking and undermining her confidence with comments like, “You think you’re really special, but everyone is laughing at you and they think you’re a loser.” Patrice recognized that she had internalized a lot of that and had to remind herself not to listen to it. Unfortunately the experience with her boss tapped right into that. By asking herself what she was reminded of, Patrice quickly made the connection with her sister and could then call upon evidence that refuted her boss’s negative comments.
Kathryn, 50, Serviced-Office Management
My interview with Jennifer went really well. She was terribly impressed with my résumé. I liked her, and not just because she liked me. She was a busy pregnant lady. Impressive presence in the room. She owned many businesses, ran them all herself. I listened in wonder. When she spoke, it came out in a torrent.
Looking at my extensive experience as a senior executive assistant in various industries, Jennifer thought I was perfect for the role of working for her temporary-agency business, managing one of the bigger complexes in the city. Jennifer arranged for me to start the following Monday.
“Chrissy will look after you,” Jennifer said. “She’s the manager, the one who’s leaving in a few months. Don’t get there before nine; give them a chance to set up for the day.”
I dressed so carefully. Inspected myself in the mirror. Changed my skirt. Changed my tights. My lipstick. Hair. Jewelry. I arrived at 8:50 A.M. and introduced myself to the receptionist. I waited twenty-five minutes.
Ms. Chrissy minced into the reception area where I sat. She looked at me with her nose lifted, an expression of distaste that lingered just long enough for me to notice. Her dark, curled hair and blood-red lipstick were art forms. One immaculate eyebrow rose slightly higher than the other. Her sudden smile was broad, theatrical. A short gush of breath: “You’re late.”
My mouth fell open. My introduction ran through my head: “Hi, Chrissy, I’m Kathryn. So pleased to meet you, and I really look forward to working with you.” Instead, stammering, pointing at my watch, I said, “No! Jennifer said 9 A.M. I’ve been here since 8:50!” I stared pleadingly and pointlessly at the receptionist for backup.
Chrissy’s acid smile held its place skillfully as she ignored my plea and pivoted on a petite, imported stiletto. “Come with me.”
I stumbled after Chrissy feeling clumsy and big. She led me to a huge conference room and took a seat at the head of the table, indicating the chair on her right for my unworthy bottom.
“Now, what’s happened,” she said, “is that Jennifer has given you this job and our senior secretary, Eva, has her heart set on it. Eva’s been with us for years, and she’s very loyal. I think she’ll be heartbroken when she knows the job’s not hers. So what I propose is that we just let Eva think that you’re here to replace her—don’t tell her you’ve been allocated a free parking space under the building, because she doesn’t have that privilege, for God’s sake—and then in a couple of weeks, we can break the news.”
I nodded dumbly, my mouth still hanging open. Where was the confident corporate person? The cool, experienced professional? Was she anywhere inside me? Had this black witch cast a spell? Caused me to behave like a blithering fool?
A knock on the door. The receptionist.
“Excuse me, Chri
ssy. Jennifer’s on the phone to speak to Kathryn.”
“Fine then,” said Chrissy. “You can take it there.” She pointed to a phone on the credenza.
I tripped over the leg of my chair and fell onto the phone, picking it up. “Hello?”
“Kathryn?” said Jennifer. “Chrissy tells me you were late on your first day.”
“No! I—”
“I really need you to work well with Chrissy or this will be a disaster, okay?”
“Jennifer, I—”
“I know you’ll be great. Come by on Thursday at five and see me.”
She hung up. I looked slowly over my shoulder at my smiling enemy, and I knew I would not survive. And so did she.
I met every morning with Chrissy, and every morning, she told me that my clothes, my hair, my shoes, were not up to scratch.
“Your lipstick. The color. Not appropriate. And I don’t like that shirt with that jacket.”
She told me it was necessary to flirt with the male clients, make them think they were getting special favors. I watched her make plans to meet with a client, a man, whom she winked at and said, “It’s a date.”
I met Eva. Eva wanted someone to boss. Eva thought I was there to replace her. She loved that. She sent me to do the dishes.
I started to rebel. I spoke angrily to Eva about my understanding of my role, and Eva ran to Chrissy, informing on me for getting angry. She thought a client had heard me. Chrissy gave me the look. I was finished. It took two weeks for them to get rid of me.
When Jennifer’s assistant and Chrissy met with me after hours one night, I held out my hand and accepted the check, turning my face away so they wouldn’t see the angry tears that were burning my eyes.
During those two weeks of sabotage, I’d been cleverly manipulated and muzzled. Muzzled by Chrissy’s black magic and by Jennifer’s incessant talk and deaf ears. I knew the staff all thought Jennifer had employed a loser, a disaster.
That’s where I learned all those years ago how to deal with bitches. Bitches, not witches. There’s a difference.
How Does the Insecure Make You Feel?
She acts rigid, controlling, stingy, resentful, mean-spirited, anxious, interfering, demanding, and self-righteous and is an impossible-to-please perfectionist.
You feel inadequate, judged and found wanting, inferior, dismissed, humiliated, inadequate, hopeless, anxious, hurt, rejected, pathetic, and manipulated.
Physically, you feel your muscles contracting when you’re with her, your head and face feel hot or flushed, and you feel immobilized and find it difficult to breathe.
Why Does the Insecure Behave Like This?
There are four main reasons behind the Insecure’s behavior, and they won’t always be obvious. Remember that a colleague’s insecurity about work should not be your problem. Of course you can be negatively affected by that insecurity, but if you understand that the image projected by the Insecure is often coming from her own deep-seated fears of inadequacy, you might start to feel better about yourself and your ability to deal with the situation. The damage to your self-confidence can then be minimized. Some Insecures have extreme behaviors that indicate they could have elements of obsessive-compulsive disorder. If you suspect this to be the case, you might like to do some reading to appreciate their needs. Refer to the bibliography. If things get out of hand, let your human resources department or your manager know.
1. She Is Afraid
She keeps you under her thumb because she doesn’t want you to question her authority, her competence, or her methods. She thinks that by keeping you busy and worried, she prevents you from finding out that she is frightened. What does she fear? Being seen as incompetent, losing control, losing power to someone else, looking foolish. She resents your calm, relaxed demeanor and sets about doing her best to destroy it. Because the Insecure is fearful, her capacity to prioritize is impaired—everything she needs becomes important right now. She cannot hold back her needs because you have other important things to do. She needs you to drop everything for her.
Sometimes a supportive manager will turn negative when, as her protégé, you do well. With the your rise in competence, the manager becomes insecure, fearing that she will no longer be respected or needed and therefore has to enforce her power and dominance by withdrawing her support from you. This is her way of minimizing the threat she feels. You can manage this situation by acknowledging how important her support is to you. While it might be painful to do so if you’ve been on the receiving end of her nastiness, it’s a small price to pay for being allowed to get on with your job.
2. The Rest of Her Life Is Out of Control
Control freaks are everywhere in the workplace—women (and men) who insist on checking that everything is done to their impossibly high standards. They seek to control every aspect of the work they are employed to do. When the control freak is a woman, chances are that things might be out of control at home, so she seeks to control whatever she can at work. She works long hours to avoid feeling empty inside and demands you do the same because she resents your having a life.
You can be on the end of some very bitchy behavior from a controlling Insecure—tongue lashings, nitpicking, and backstabbing. There is not a lot you can do to change her behavior, but you can remind yourself that she is feeling anxious behind the anger, and you can make sure that you don’t inadvertently feed that anxiety by appearing offhand or unconcerned about the work she is expecting from you. It’s no fun being someone who needs to control everything, but then it’s no fun having to work with an insecure control freak, either.
3. She Is Suffering from Daddy’s-Girl Syndrome
She is highly competitive, usually gets on well with men, and had a good relationship with her father, who encouraged her ambitious, competitive self. In her father’s eyes she could do no wrong. Growing up, she did not have good relationships with females, particularly her mother. She succeeds in male-dominated areas, aligns herself with men, and prefers to kill off any women who try to follow her. She sees them as threats to her special position.
4. She Got There the Hard Way, and So Will You
An older Insecure often thinks, “I got here the hard way, so you have to get up all by yourself.” And she’ll be kicking you down while you try to get up. The corporate woman who fought to get to the top in a man’s world doesn’t know how to collaborate with other women—she can’t cope with sensitive younger men in the workplace, either. A particular situation might trigger her into remembering that no one had helped her. A good manager would give her staff the help she wished she had received, but an Insecure is still resentful that she had to do it alone.
Is It Possible You’ve Got It Wrong?
Your boss is hovering, criticizing you, and demanding that you redo a report. She’s not happy with your performance and tells you that you need to do better. She’s much tougher on you than your old boss. Try to stand back and see if there’s any truth in what she’s saying. She might misinterpret your laid-back approach as laziness. She might be hard on you, but she’s not necessarily an Insecure.
Dealing with the Insecure
Firstly, you need to accept that you will probably never please this woman. The best you can hope for is being allowed to get on with your job. She wants you to feel inferior so that you are easier to manipulate. She wants to keep you on your toes. She criticizes you for her own shortcomings, getting ready to blame you in case her outcome isn’t perfect. Remember, an Insecure is on a mission to spread her anxiety. She will spoil your good news and moments of happiness by pointing out your faults, obsessing about what could go wrong, complaining about your work to others, pushing your guilt buttons, and generally being a sourpuss.
The insecure bitch is often found in a large organization. Larger organizations, by definition, take longer to get approval for things to be done, decisions take longer to be implemented, and there are usually multiple levels of sign-off required for almost everything. Staff are rewarded for being pedanti
c and bureaucratic and following the rules, so it’s easy for an Insecure to rule the roost at her level. Her controlling behavior and workaholic tendencies will often be rewarded from above. If you work in a large organization and recognize this as part of the workplace culture, perhaps you need to modify your expectations of control and responsibility.
If you work with an Insecure, you need to insulate yourself against ongoing trouble. She needs to know that you will deliver what she wants, when she wants it, in the way she wants it. Start doing things her way, willingly, when the outcomes don’t matter so much to you, thereby giving her no cause for anxiety or complaint. Do this for a sustained period of time, and you might be able to look at how lead times or checks for approval might be streamlined. It’s possible that you will have more sway in changing things when she can trust you more. At least she might project her anxieties elsewhere or put the spotlight on someone else’s perceived incompetence.
What to Do When You Work with an Insecure
•Focus on achieving outcomes. Try to work out what she’s trying to accomplish, and help to make that happen. At the very least, you may be able to work out what she doesn’t want.
•Build on what she says she wants, rather than opposing her—be an ally not an enemy. When you’re dealing with a fear-based aggressor, this is important.
Working with Bitches Page 5
