If yes:
•Are your stress scores low? (See pages 220–221.)
•Do you believe that you are robust enough to stay?
•Do you have some new ideas that you are keen to try with the bitch at work? Can you enlist some support professionals or mentors?
Look at the strategies and coping mechanisms suggested in Chapters 1 through 8 (depending on the type of bitch you work with), and evaluate whether the changes you can make will have a significant impact on your well-being at work.
Do You Want to Go?
How might you decide whether going is the best option for you? When might it be a good idea to go? The first question to ask yourself is do you want to go?
If yes:
•Are your stress scores high? (See pages 220–221.)
•Do you believe that you are at risk if you stay?
•Do you suspect that the situation with the bitch has gone beyond trying some new ideas to improve things between you?
Remember, you are not a loser if you go. You are not walking away from a situation—you are walking toward a better life. Leaving this job is not a passive act. Look at your life carefully, and identify what is really most important to you. By leaving, you are saying that you are not a robot who can keep on keeping on—you and your feelings are important.
If everyone in the organization seems to be stressed—if your co-workers seem equally stressed all the time—the problem is unlikely to improve, because it is part of the work culture in that organization or industry. If you have chronic health problems, and it is obvious that the stress levels go with the industry, it is probably sensible to leave. Think of the bitch as the final straw.
Are you “too old” to go? Recognizing that health and well-being are the most important considerations, ask if there is really an age issue. If you have explored the financial implications with your financial planner and established that there are ways of structuring a change of employment that won’t disadvantage you, then there is no problem with your age. Women change jobs at all ages. Remember that the mean girl at work probably won’t be going anywhere—or she is unlikely to go within a time frame that you could tolerate—so for your mental and physical health, you might decide that you had better go.
If you have determined that she might go (a promotion, relocation, retrenchment, resignation, or change of management that pushes her out) and you would like to remain with your organization, then you might decide to implement a stress management plan, and visit professional support people to assist you for the duration.
Whether you end up staying or going, you will be able to make your decision work for you and you will be able to move forward. The women I have met in my practice have never said that they regretted getting on with their lives, even if it meant some U-turns, zigzags, S-bends, mazes, or J-curves.
Some women will take a break from work for a while, and others will get out and start looking for a new position. Some women will work part-time doing something different for a change; others will do some contracting or consulting work with former acquaintances; and some will have a job lined up to start the following day. Many will wonder whether they might be suited to self-employment or working from home.
Meg, an unemployed nurse, was frustrated when she couldn’t find a decent toy train for her son. She dabbled in an Internet toy business that became a runaway success. Within twelve months, she had an annual turnover of one million dollars and had to rent a warehouse for stock. Within two years, her husband quit his corporate job to join her new company, and they happily work together, their toddlers at their feet, profits soaring.
Alice, an IT specialist with an accounting firm left a nasty work environment and became a milliner and costumer for film and television. Her childhood interest in fashion became viable with her business skills.
What’s Stopping You from Making a Decision?
Is Your Physical, Mental, or Emotional Health at Risk?
No job is worth losing your health. If you answer yes to the above question, get a new job.
Are You Worried About Getting a Reference?
These days, there is greater stigma about staying too long in one job than having too many jobs. Most job applicants do not use their immediate supervisor as a reference (because they don’t want to alert the company that they are job hunting, or they have a personality clash or better references, for example).
What Will People Think?
Never ever say anything bad about the bitch at your work. Simply say, “For career development reasons, I need to move on” or “We had very different styles, and I have learned what my complementary needs are; I have researched your organization and there are plenty of managers and mentors who would be a great fit, to our mutual benefit.” You might say, “We had personality differences” or “While I am adept at managing up and working with high-maintenance people, I am keen to enjoy the collaborative or team experiences that your firm or culture provides.” These days, being able to stand working for a difficult person or bitch is considered a talent. The fact that you lasted as long as you did is a tribute to you. Word gets around in an industry. Other people probably know about her and are impressed with your professionalism in not dishing out the dirt. Remember, sophisticated professionals glean a lot more from what someone doesn’t say.
If you speak in an adult, reasonable, respectful manner about the bitch from hell, you will be seen as discreet, ethical, trustworthy, and emotionally intelligent. People will want to employ you.
Be Open to Unexpected Positive Outcomes
Barbie, at sixty-two, is a surgical nurse in a large Ohio hospital where there is a lot of backstabbing in the operating rooms. A younger nurse launched a Screamer campaign, complaining that Barbie did all the big jobs (assisting the doctor on important cases); she thought it wasn’t fair that Barbie got all the opportunities and kudos. Barbie conceded, suggesting to her boss, the doctor, that he let the other woman have a chance. The younger nurse then realized how much work it was, but Barbie was delighted to do the easier work and made the arrangement permanent. The Screamer isn’t happy, but can’t change the situation back.
Barbie now leaves the room if she sees trouble brewing. The hospital is undergoing extensive political stress, which results in some terrible arguments among staff during work time. The hospital has issued a notice to tell people to keep their opinions to themselves, so now no one listens to the Screamer. Barbie is stress and strain free.
Gwyneth was unemployed for some time, after her exit from the organization with the Liar. She now works for an international communications company, enjoying travel around the world, exciting opportunities with new technologies, and the chance to work with impressive leaders and undertake state-of-the-art training.
“If I had stayed in the other company, my life would have been dreary by comparison,” she says. “I am glad I had time to think through my expectations of a job while searching. When I was interviewed for this role, I was clear and articulate about what I brought in terms of skills, my needs and wants, and my values of honesty and excellence. Prior to working with the Liar, I would never have raised those points in an interview. They were so impressed with me I was also started at a far better salary.”
Christine, aged fifty, says, “Life is so much better now. I removed myself from a negative work situation with bitches who left me exhausted and confused. As I have moved on, I have grown personally and professionally. My style is more collaborative and flexible, even when working in a hierarchical organization. I make sure that everyone has whatever he or she needs to get the task completed. Open communication, getting and giving feedback, and not being defensive is vital in maintaining a positive workplace.”
We are entitled to vote with our feet and leave intolerable work environments. We may need to move several times while looking for a good fit. Until recently it was common for a workplace to be dysfunctional. And even now, we pretend that our workplace is good and we keep quiet, just as we swall
ow our distress from bitches at work. But we don’t have to.
Fear may keep us trapped in the disturbance, because there are no guarantees that a new place will be better or the staff more functional. But we need to watch out for our own well-being, to change what we can, and to keep moving. And yes, sometimes we may move from one organization to another, only to find some bitches in the new place despite our reconnaissance. But perhaps they won’t be tolerated in the next place. Or perhaps we’ll promote our awareness about good communications and the need for top-down codes of conduct where everyone walks the talk. Or perhaps we’ll take the leap into self-employment, return to study, change careers, or spear-head new models of organizational structure.
CHAPTER 14
Frequently Asked Questions
I am shocked at the nastiness of a couple of women in my workplace. Completely unprovoked, just plain bitchiness. In my whole career, I have never encountered anything like it. Is this how it’s going to be from now on?
—Angela
These questions and answers have been compiled from those I’ve been asked over and over again in my psychology practice by women who are experiencing a bad situation with a bitch at work. Some of the questions toward the end outline recurring scenarios that won’t necessarily be the same as yours, but you might get something helpful from the general advice.
Q. Should I stay or should I go?
A. This is such a frequently asked question, there is a whole chapter devoted to helping you make that decision. See Chapter 13.
Q. I need to get out of this job. Where do I start?
A. For a start, never threaten to walk from the job unless you mean it. If leaving is dependent on your getting a new job, don’t say you’re leaving until you get the new one. A number of women have been promised a new job or have been assured that it is in the bag, when something has gone wrong at the last minute and the offer is rescinded.
Do a skills audit. This can build your confidence by reminding you of your accomplishments. Also, ask your friends and colleagues for their observations; they will probably recall more than you can. Their feedback might give you courage to start working for yourself, rather than waiting for another job to come up.
You might need a life review—push your boundaries and stretch yourself, and acknowledge that leaving could propel you toward a better future.
Q. I keep thinking it’s not fair. If I leave, she wins. How can I move on from thinking this way?
A. Let’s face it, it is unfortunate that you are having this experience. But what learning can you take from it? Perhaps it has helped you to think about your career, the people who bring out the best in you, and the places you are comfortable in. We need to experience all our emotions. We need to know sadness so we can recognize happiness. We need to know frustration to know exhilaration. This isn’t about fairness or unfairness; this is about work life or work death.
You might feel terrible for weeks and months after you leave, but eventually you will feel better, and you will have relief because your new life is better. Interestingly, nearly all of the women I have spoken to have eventually ended up in a better situation and are pleased that they moved on. Unexpected twists and turns enliven our work lives. Our career tapestries seldom make sense until we look at them retrospectively.
Q. I left without a job to go to. What do I say to people?
A. Generally, you don’t need to describe yourself as unemployed. The word is old, as is the word retirement. In social situations, you might say that you are between roles, doing some retraining, taking time for a career shift, or doing some consulting. Or you may say that you have taken a sabbatical or some life-reflection time. You might like to mention that you are about to start seeking employment again in case they know of something. Outside your family and friends, whatever you do, don’t be negative about your previous workplace—you don’t want to come across as someone who blames others all the time.
At job interviews, remember that astute people read between the lines and hear what you are not saying. If pressed about why you left your previous job, you could say that you managed to work with people who are very different from you and that it was an interesting experience, and now you look forward to working with more like-minded people.
Q. It’s been ages since I’ve been for a job interview, and I’m lacking the confidence I used to have. Where do I start?
A. Mentors, coaches, counselors, and psychologists can help you prepare for job interviews. If you get an interview but don’t get that job, remind yourself that every interview takes you closer to an offer. See an interview as an opportunity—you can learn from this, and the practice effect means that you will continue to improve. Review your performance with a professional for greater insight.
Be less concerned with the impression you make (coming across as a slick interviewee) and more with being yourself. Don’t focus on the employee you have become, but think back to the confident version of you, before you worked with a mean girl.
Get rid of ghosts. Shed yourself of reminders that may trigger old memories—such as clothes you wore to your old job. You might do a style makeover to signal to the world that you are feeling fresh and ready for new adventures. Focus on self-care.
Q. Should I go straight from one job to another?
A. If things have been bad for a long time with your bitch colleague and you quickly take a new job, well-meaning friends might suggest that you are jumping out of the frying pan into the fire. But think of it this way: There’s every chance you might have already done your grieving while still in the old job. The bad experience might have given you a clear idea of what you want (or don’t want), so when you are offered the new job, you are able to quickly recognize a good fit.
However, if you can manage financially and need a break between jobs in order to revive, then take one. Many women find that they may need a month or three to recover before they are able to seek a new job, let alone begin one.
If you have been offered a new position, it is likely that you can negotiate a week or two before you start—use this time to refresh.
Q. How do I search for a new job while I’m still at work?
A. Keep the job search private, and don’t use the resources at work to hunt for a new job—if the bitch guesses what you are up to, she can legitimately complain that you are doing personal business on company time. This might then make everyone mistrust you or question whether you really are doing your job properly, raising the possibility that maybe there are some grounds to those complaints the bitch has been making.
Arrange to meet recruiters and headhunters outside your work hours. It is not a good idea to lie—that’s one of the things you’ll dislike if you’re working with a Liar—so schedule after-hours appointments, or take a day off for your job interviews. Keep the job-seeking activities clean and separate from your current work.
Keep close communications with your references, and check before putting them down on your résumé. Make sure you let them know the sort of roles you are applying for, and ask what they would say about your suitability. Ask how they would cover the question about why you don’t have your manager listed as your referee and are using a former manager or a colleague who hasn’t managed you.
Always remember that people really do look at Facebook and social media, so don’t ever put negative comments or dubious photos on them or send funny, thoughtless e-mails that could be forwarded on. Show that you are discreet.
Q. What do I say when I resign?
A. Wait until you have a firm offer before announcing that you are leaving the nest of vipers. Follow the protocols, and tell your manager first. Then write a positive good-bye letter for your employee file. It might not be the best idea to spill the beans at an exit interview or to pen the truth about your resignation—you never know when you might need a reference from that workplace. However, you can say something telling, like “I am taking the opportunity to work with a more dynamic team.” Your exit interviewer
might be able to read between the lines.
Stay calm about the bitch problem at exit interviews. Don’t burn your bridges in case you ever want to return (when the bitch has gone). The last thing you want is comments on your human resources file that make you sound like the one with the problem.
Do a great hand-over to colleagues or the new incumbent if there is time. Be gracious—people will remember, and you never know who you will come across later. Besides, the more open you are about the work, the harder it is for people to believe the lies the bitch says about how hopeless you were.
Q. My work performance is deteriorating. What should I do?
A. If you recognize that your work performance is dropping off, look for help from colleagues, friends, or family. It is not possible to function on all fronts at the highest level all the time, so cut yourself some slack. You might think about lightening your load at home, so that you can manage the workload at work while you think about what to do in the long term.
If there are people you can trust at work, alert them that you are going through a tough period, just to cover your back. Give them a sense of when the situation should improve. Suggest that perhaps you could do some work from home for a short while.
Try to minimize contact with the mean girl, keeping as much distance from her as possible while you develop new strategies for how to manage interactions with her. Depending on the severity of your response to her, consider seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist, attending a training course, or shadowing other people who have managed her. Think about taking leave—you’ll be less frazzled after a vacation, and that might give you a clearer idea of what to do next.
Look at the stress-management strategies outlined in Chapter 12. There are many things you can do to feel better, so that you cope better with your work situation. Sometimes it can be helpful to take medication for a while, to take the edge off and enable you to cope. In a less depressed or anxious state, you are more able to learn new behaviors or adopt new strategies. This could help you get some much-needed sleep. See your doctor or a psychiatrist if you think you might be depressed. For more information on where to get help, see page 253.
Working with Bitches Page 25
