I hadn’t meant it as an ambiguous question.
I had felt, as soon as the argument had died, that we were back to normal again.
Perhaps Neil wasn’t finished arguing, or maybe he genuinely misunderstood.
‘I want them,’ he said.
‘What?’
‘I want them.’
‘I mean what do we do with our kids, together. You and me. How do we protect them from me? I’m not suggesting that we separate!’
I was shocked at his matter-of-fact answer about the kids when he thought I was talking about a split. Why hadn’t he fought back at me, pleaded with me to re-consider?
‘Oh,’ he said. ‘I thought you’d had enough of me. Of us.’
‘And all you could say was “I want them”?’ I said.
‘I was trying to brash it out,’ he said. ‘Trying to make you think I wasn’t bothered.’
‘Well it worked,’ I said.
At last he unclenched his fist. A car flashed past us, and for a moment I thought I saw tears in Neil’s eyes.
He reached over for my hand, squeezed it. I put my other hand on top of his.
‘Flippin’ idiot,’ I said.
‘Bloody twonk,’ he said.
I wiped my eyes. Perhaps I hadn’t spent all my tears after all. And when he thought I couldn’t see, Neil wiped his. He opened his door and climbed out. A few seconds later he was at my door. He opened it, unclipped my safety belt and helped me to my feet. We hugged each other in the cold air for a long time. One car beeped its horn as it sped past.
The break-up and make-up over with, the atmosphere in the car was much lighter. I opened my window only a little, and Neil had the heater only on low. A few minutes passed in silence.
‘I am worried about the kids though,’ I said. ‘And I’m really not sure what to do about it. Abi said she’ll come and spend time with me during the day, but I’m a bit scared about what I might do to her.’
‘Do you really think you might do anything to her?’ he said. ‘I know you’re worried, but you haven’t actually hurt anyone yet. It’s not in your nature to hurt anyone.’
‘I know it’s not. But my nature seems to have changed. I’m not the me I used to be. The point is, I think that there is the potential for me to hurt Michael or Rose. If we’re really blunt about it, based on the dreams and visions I’ve been experiencing, and the fact that I ended up in Rose’s room, she would seem to be the one most in danger.’
‘From her own mother?’ Neil said. ‘Really?’
‘Neil, I know it doesn’t sound possible. But I really don’t seem to have control over my mind or body at certain times. Something happens to me. Despite my best efforts and all my fight, something just waltzes in and takes over.’
Neil shot a quick glance at me, then back to the road.
‘When you had those feelings,’ he said. ‘When you were tickling the kids. You said you heard a voice?’
‘It sounded like a mans voice. I thought it might even be you, that maybe you’d come home early. But it wasn’t. It came from inside me. And the power I felt in my arms and the hatred in my heart — it was like a tidal-wave. I had to fight the urge to hurt them. I could see myself throwing them away from me. Throwing them against the wall. I really do think I could have done it.’
‘And what stopped you?’ he said.
‘What?’ I said.
He chanced a longer look in my direction. Long enough for me to see his smile. Perhaps more of a smirk. He looked very pleased with himself.
‘So what stopped you?’ he said. ‘What stopped you from crushing our kids against a wall? What was it?’
I opened my mouth but nothing came out.
‘I don’t know,’ I said.
‘Think about it.’
I didn’t know what he was getting at. His voice sounded as though he had made some fantastic discovery.
‘Well,’ I said. ‘Nothing stopped me. The moment just passed.’
‘Did it?’ he said. ‘That’s not what you said earlier.’
I thought for a moment.
‘I didn’t say what it was earlier. I don’t know what it was.’
Another look, another smirk. If I didn’t guess or if he didn’t reveal what he knew soon, we were in danger of crashing.
‘What are you getting at?’ I said.
‘You said “I fought the urge to hurt them”.’
I looked at him. Was that it? That was what all these smirks were about.
‘What?’ I said.
‘Chris, you fought the urge to hurt them. The moment didn’t just pass. You fought. You managed to override the voice, the power and the feelings of anger…’
‘Hatred,’ I said.
‘OK, hatred. But you overcame them. You were strong enough to fight them. Where the kids were concerned, their safety, their wellbeing, you were too strong for the “other” you. You won.’
The smirking made more sense now. Perhaps he was onto something.
‘Is that what I said? That I fought the urge?’
‘Word for word,’ he said. ‘That’s exactly what you said.’
I thought about it. Took myself back to the tickling and tried to replay it in my mind. I tried to summon up the same feelings, challenged the voice to come back. The memory wasn’t so clear. Had the moment passed? Or had I overcome it myself? I wasn’t sure.
‘You can control it,’ he said. ‘When it comes down to it, you are in control.’
If that was the case, what did it mean for all the other things that were happening? If I could control my urges at that moment, could I simply take control of the other things too? I wasn’t sure that I could apply it to my dreams — even I wasn’t that clever. But the visions, perhaps.
‘What about when I blackout?’ I said. ‘How can I take control of that when I’m not even aware of where I am or what I’m doing?’
‘Does anything happen to you before you blackout? Are there any signs of what is about to happen?’
Obviously I had given this an inordinate amount of thought myself.
‘Nothing that I can think of,’ I said. ‘The first time it happened, on the way to Mum and Dad’s, I wasn’t aware that anything had happened at all. If I hadn’t noticed the time on their kitchen clock, I would probably still be unaware of it today.
‘The second time I was walking along the road toward the woods. I think I thought it became misty, and there might have been a smell, but I get smells all the time. And it was a misty day.’
Neil didn’t say anything. He probably wasn’t smirking either.
‘For all I know,’ I said. ‘I have blacked out before now and not even known about it.’
The thought hung with us both. It scared me. I’m not sure what it did to Neil.
‘Maybe the Mum and Dad time wasn’t the first,’ I said. ‘Or maybe there were more before the walking one. Maybe even since then.’
‘But you were aware when you “woke up” in Rose’s room,’ he said. ‘You knew then, without seeing a clock, that it had happened again. You were aware of becoming conscious again.’
‘But I wasn’t the first time. What does that mean? That the blackouts are getting worse? Better?’
‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘Maybe just different. Or maybe you’re getting used to them, getting more control or awareness or something.’
I sniffed in the air from outside.
‘I am going to talk to the doctor,’ I said. ‘About the kids.’
‘What do you mean? Talk to him about what?’
‘I think I should be honest with him. If I need help, medication of some sort, they need to know what they’re dealing with.’
‘You’re not going to tell him about wanting to hurt them?’
‘I think I should,’ I said.
‘No way, Chris. No way. You start talking about wanting to hurt the kids and what’s the doctor going to do?’
‘Hopefully, help me,’ I said. ‘Prescribe medicine — maybe even admit me to hospital.’
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‘Sorry, Chris, but I think you’re way off with that. Way off. He’s going to alert social services.’
‘He can’t do that,’ I said. ‘Doctors have to take an oath.’
‘The Hippocratic oath,’ Neil said. ‘Not an oath of secrecy. Any mention of kids getting hurt and they’ll be onto social services before you’ve even left the surgery.’
‘What if I ask to be admitted to hospital? What if I tell them that you’re at home for the kids and that I need to be hospitalised.’
‘But I have to work, Chris. I might be at home for them for a few days. Maybe even a week or so. But what then? What happens when I have to go back to work? If you’ve got yourself admitted to some hospital somewhere what would we do. That would traumatise the kids anyway, you being in hospital.’
‘But I might hurt them, Neil. Maybe not when I’m conscious, maybe I can fight it then. But when I’m blacked out I’m not aware of a damn thing. I can’t fight then.’
‘What about your mum and dad?’ Neil said. ‘Why not have the kids stay with them? Just while this is all sorted out.’
I shook my head.
‘Mum and Dad are already going through it. Dad’s not well and Mum looks worn out. And that would cause even more disruption to Michael and Rose if they have to live there. It would be a hassle getting to school, they wouldn’t be near their friends. It would just be a nightmare.’
‘Well it would be a damn sight more of a nightmare if social services came and took them into care because their mum says she might hurt them and she should be hospitalised for their protection.’
‘But if I explain everything to him,’ I said. ‘Talk it through with him, ask his advice. If I’m completely upfront and honest with him, he wouldn’t need to contact social services.’
Neil shook his head and slowed the car to a stop.
‘If someone came to you,’ he said. ‘And said that they thought they might hurt their two young children, what would you do?’
I thought about that the entire journey home.
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