6) Active dominance. This phrase was very hard for me to define originally, but I think the best way to define it is to say that I need him to be as active at maintaining our relationship as I am. To sit back and expect me to submit while he passively accepts it without dominating would not work for me. I cannot submit in a vacuum. So it is absolutely necessary that he participate as much in our relationship (every aspect of it) as I do. (This is covered in much detail elsewhere.)
7) Acceptance. I need to know that everything about me is “okay” to him, that there is nothing he finds reprehensible. Clearly, I am not perfect either, and part of our relationship is both of us striving to improve and help the other to improve… but in order for me to feel free and open and trusting enough to give without reservation, I must always know what I am giving is desired and accepted. I cannot submit if I am carrying the fear that doing so will cause him to send me away. For example, after our recent foray into watersports, I needed to know that I was still clean and good and beautiful in his eyes, and that I wasn’t dirty or otherwise “bad.” Once I knew that, I didn’t care what anyone else thought; I had what I needed.
These are the stones on which we’re building. Of course, every relationship is different. It isn’t necessary for your bare necessities to be the same as anyone else’s, but what is important is to identify and understand what yours are. You might also have noticed that, without coming right out and saying it, all of the things listed above whisper of trust. Without trust, D/S dynamics fail (as would any relationship). So it is imperative that you understand what is necessary for you to have this level of trust in another. Once you’ve done that, you’ll have your own list.
And one more thing… once you have your list, re-visit it from time to time. We’re always growing and changing, and as a result, our needs and desires change as well. Whether you’re in a relationship or not, you should have some idea what you need, and in order to accomplish that, you’ve got to be willing to be brutally honest with yourself. Also, be willing to be somewhat flexible. No one, after all, is perfect. Being flexible doesn’t have to mean lowering your standards, but it often means that you might have to be creative and patient in order to fulfill all the aspects of your own list.
FIRST INTERMISSION
He wants, gently pushes for, and will settle for no less
than my utter surrender. The thought is at once tantalizing
and terrifying. That he wants so much, that he cares so
much, that I am worthy… all that he has asked of me so far
I have given him with joy, but what will happen when he
makes a demand that I must struggle to obey? Is it strange
for me to crave that, to hunger for it, to desire that struggle
so? To want to be pushed, made demands upon, to be forced
to reach deep inside of myself to find my resolve, to make
the choices?
SEVEN
Conquer Me
The will to conquer is the first condition of victory. -Ferdinand Foch
HAVE YOU EVER HAD THAT FEELING WELL UP INSIDE OF you, the one that feels like you just absolutely need to be grabbed by the hair, thrust to the floor, and talked to in The Voice? You know, The Voice that makes you have shivers down your spine, and that delicious fluttering in your belly? I’ll let you fill in the rest of this little fantasy on your own, but I think you know the feeling I’m talking about. The feeling you get that feels almost like being hungry, thirsty, and really horny all at the same time. Yet it’s not a need for any of those things, exactly, but a need for a Master to bury his hands in your hair, and his teeth in your flesh, and take you down, thrusting you firmly into your place, where you belong, and not let you up until it pleases him.
That, dear reader, is “conquer me.”
What is “conquer me”? “Conquer me” is a need, and can be a powerful growth tool if used properly. It is the submissive’s internal demand for a show of strength. It says to the dominant, “Help me to do what I deeply desire to do… help me to submit to you, to surrender to you.”
What “conquer me” is not: It isn’t a want, it isn’t bratting, and it isn’t a SAM (Smart-Ass Masochist) doing her little bid for attention. “Conquer me” isn’t saying to the dominant, “Force me to do what I don’t want to do.” It is not an attempt to “top from the bottom,” or manipulate. It is not the submissive’s attempt to wrest control away from the dominant.
Submission is at once fiercely strong and yet fragile as gossamer. When a girl submits, she makes herself vulnerable. In order for a girl to release her submission into the hands of a dominant, she must know that he is strong enough to hold it, to keep it safe, to lift it up, and not to falter under the enormous weight and magnitude of it. Additionally, she must know that there is room for her to grow within the relationship. That knowledge must be proven, not just once, but consistently.
It is important to note that this need for proof is not evidence of a submissive’s lack of trust; it is a simple human need. As a girl grows in her submission, she must continually be assured that the hands which hold it still manage it easily… literally, she must be assured that she still “fits” her dominant - that she has not outgrown him. I accept that stating this concept quite so openly may prove to be unpopular, but it is, I believe, a core truth. In any relationship, it is necessary to occasionally assess the parties involved to ensure that everyone’s needs are being met. Since people can outgrow one another within relationships, it would be sheer folly to assume that D/S relationships do not experience their fair share of this.
Very often, a submissive may be having “conquer me” feelings and have no idea how to verbalize them. If she is unable to articulate the need, the submissive herself may not fully understand what she is feeling, or what might help to resolve it. The result of this is often that the submissive becomes emotionally entangled in her unmet need, questioning herself endlessly, finding faults (real or imagined, related or not) with herself and her service, eventually resulting in her being frustrated and discouraged… two emotions which are often expressed by submissives as disobedience, varying from the “I forgot” variety all the way up to outright defiance. Sadly, this often results in a punishment cycle, because the dominant sees the disobedience, and moves to enforce his rule. The submissive accepts this punishment because she understands that she did indeed break the rule, and even as she senses that there is some underlying cause, she can’t express it. So she ends up feeling as though she’s failed and is a “bad girl” who deserves to be punished; the dominant is often confused and feeling helpless because the punishment doesn’t seem to accomplish what it should; and the core of the problem remains unseen… and unsolved.
So if a very common symptom of “conquer me” is disobedience, how is it possible to say that “conquer me” is unrelated to topping from below, a phenomenon which is also often marked by defiance? While bottom-topping is discussed elsewhere in this book, I will save you the trouble of cross-referencing by stating that the core aspects of it are awareness and intent. That is to say, in order for it to be true bottom-topping, the submissive must be consciously aware of what she is doing, whether her method is subtle (manipulation) or more bold (giving the dominant orders), and her intent must actually be to take power from the dominant for herself, regardless of her motivation. The differences, then, become clear almost immediately. The submissive who is suffering the effects of unexpressed (and hence unmet) “conquer me” needs is typically just as confused as is her dominant. Her behavior is not intentionally unruly, and she is not acting out consciously just to get your attention. It’s been argued, however, that the rebellious behavior associated with this need is an unconscious call for attention… that although the submissive is unaware of precisely what the problem is, she understands that there is one and is using her behavior to try to draw awareness to it for a solution. Either way, it is vital to separate the causes of willful behavior so that the root issue can be addressed, n
ot simply the behavior itself.
So how can “conquer me” be satisfied, once it’s been identified? Answering that is a little like trying to explain how to be a better lover… all the tips and tricks in the world won’t help if they aren’t what gets your partner all hot and bothered. It is intensely personal. For some, a simple verbal affirmation is all it takes… the dominant commands her entire focus and attention and then reminds her, verbally, of her place. Some submissives need to feel more involved, and the verbal reassurance might take on the form of a question/ answer session, with the Dominant asking the submissive questions about her place and her providing the appropriate answers (with a bit of coaching at first, if necessary). Still others prefer a mostly physical approach, wherein they want to be overpowered and/or manhandled. Most submissives will appreciate all of these approaches at different times, depending on the circumstances involved. It is absolutely crucial, however, that whatever approach the dominant chooses at any given time, it is done in a way that is loving and exciting, not chastising or punishing. The idea of satisfying the “conquer me” in the submissive is to address the core of something which will strengthen the relationship, and this should be joyful, not punitive.
Appropriate responses to “conquer me” feelings can really be growth tools as well as reassurances. For me, at least, there are times when I have the “conquer me” feeling and it is directly related to something I feel ‘blocked’ about. Many times, it is something I really want to do, or explore… but I have some internal resistance, most often because it’s a social taboo, or some internalized thing from my past. I often have “conquer me” in response to this sense of feeling “blocked,” because it’s as if something in me is saying to Master, “If you demand it of me, I can let go of this and simply obey you as I truly want to; I don’t have to hold myself to a standard that doesn’t fit, if you simply command me not to.” Sometimes, we all seek permission for things even if we don’t realize that’s what we’re doing at the time. “Conquer me” can be a permission-seeking feeling… I know there are times I feel it specifically because I want to feel free to do something that “good girls don’t.” Sometimes permission isn’t quite enough; sometimes, it needs to be a demand in order for me to mentally “absolve” myself of whatever it is. Loosening the blockages that often hold me back has been an incredible help to me in my personal growth as a submissive and, in a wider sense, as a person.
Personal anecdote: At a recent play party, Master and I both had plans to play with other people, and were looking forward to it, but we were also separate for much of the night, doing our own personal socializing. I found him at one point and really needed a sense of connection; I needed a reminder, a quick shove to help me find my place once more. I asked him to sit in a chair and when he did, I got down at his feet and put my head on his knee. I looked up at him while he was petting my hair and told him I was having “conquer me” feelings, and I felt like I really wanted to be overpowered and manhandled… I never even got to finish the sentence. Some time later (three minutes, a few years, whatever) I was a happy pile of mush. Not only was it a reminder to me that this is where my submission truly lies, with Master, regardless of where I go, or what I do… but it was also a much-needed moment of connection because no one else can make me feel like quite like that. It is unique to him and me and the relationship that we share.
Recent conversations have led me to suspect that this “conquer me” feeling is nearly universal among female submissives. I think it’s important to help foster a greater understanding of it, on both sides. If submissives will express this feeling before it becomes frustrated and expresses itself as disobedience, and if dominants understand that when we have this, it is a genuine need, perhaps we can begin to overcome some of the obstacles that we build between us in our D/S dynamics. We need this from time to time, just as we need love and safety, and it isn’t a question of their dominance, but rather a platform on which they can flex and display it, feeding our hearts at the same time.
EIGHT
Dark Secrets and Dirty Sheets
Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go. - T. S. Eliot
THERE ARE SO MANY WAYS TO FORM, MAINTAIN AND express connection. Connection can be as simple as a moment of eye contact or a shared smile across a crowded room, or as deep and complex as a long scene.
For the sake of argument, allow me to employ some gross generalizations. Women in general are raised to view sex as a method of connection. Generally speaking, women use sex to get love, whereas men use love to get sex, having been raised, socially, along a different vein. For this reason, women are often caricatured as being needy sex creatures… if you fall into bed with one, beware that she doesn’t stalk you ever after, insisting that you should love her.
And of course, men are equally tarred, though with a different brush, that once he has what he wanted, which was only sex after all (because as we all know, men are incapable of real love), he will be gone soon after. Is it any wonder, then, that most relationships have some element of dysfunction to them? I’ve spoken with men who felt penalized for this stereotype and felt that they couldn’t express tender loving emotions unless it was sexually, because that was the only acceptable method. I’ve spoken with women who constantly felt unfulfilled because they believed that their men were incapable of loving them as much as they, the women, loved the men.
What have sex and connection got to do with one another, you ask? Lots. Firstly, sex is a method of connection, comfort, ease, peace, escape, expression, and yes, pleasure. Secondly, connection in itself is usually quite pleasurable. So to combine the two can be intensely emotionally powerful… or not, depending on the parties and goals involved.
But specifically, I speak of the tendency, as I have seen it, for people (I have noticed this most among submissive women, but that is not to say that others don’t feel it as well) to ask for sex when what they really desire is some other, deeper level of emotional connection. Often, the invitation for sex is issued out of fear of rejection: while it would be a blow to a woman’s ego to have her sexuality rejected, it is perhaps preferable to having her heart, or submission, or tears, or vulnerability rejected. Also, experience has shown most women that our sexual invitations are rarely rejected, whereas our desires for further intimacy are more frequently denied.
So, rather than saying, “kiss me,” “hold me,” “touch me,” “cuddle me,” “comfort me,” we say “take me,” “have me,” “use me,” “fuck me.” And then we strive to pull all the connection and comfort we can out of that. Perhaps we suck those moments of tenderness dry, trying to find peace, or perhaps we crave those heavy hands and dirty words, justifying to us what we are in the deep secret places of ourselves. Maybe we use that rough time to reinforce the idea in our heads that this is all we are, all we deserve, and tender touches are reserved for good girls, which we most assuredly are not - at least, not in that moment. I have some… umm… personal experience with this one. It’s a particular favorite of mine, but don’t tell anyone.
One thing is important to note about sex and the way women look at it: it is not nearly as equated with love as some think. It’s about connection and sharing, and a moment of vulnerability that is captured in a socially acceptable activity… because sex is socially acceptable now, as long as you have the common decency to feel guilty and dirty about it afterward, (or even during, if you’re an overachiever). Sex is also intensely personal. There are women out there (me among them) who view it much like men do - it isn’t about love, it’s about fun. But even those woman typically require the presence of some emotion in order for it to work - chemistry, trust, respect, affection, good humor, etc. - because love or no love, sex is connection.
What kind of world have we built when it is more acceptable to ask for sex than a cuddle session? What do we value so highly that we would rather be naked and compromised physically than emotionally? What are we so afraid of anyway? Have we so strippe
d our sexuality of inherent value that it becomes the sacrificial lamb on the altar of connection, because everything else is too precious to risk? I’m the first one to say that my body is an amusement park, and I like to have fun with it - and let other people ride it - but there is still divinity in it. It is no less precious than our fears, our smiles, our hopes, our tears. And this goes not just for women, but for all people. I’ve known men and dominants who felt they could be vulnerable only during sex, and so they would ask for that instead of talking about what was bothering them, or even simply as a distraction from their own thoughts and troubles.
So ask for what you really need. Sex isn’t a catch-all. It’s a lot of things, but it isn’t a long-term substitute for emotional-level bonding. Risk the other important things. Cry, laugh, open up, talk and be honest. If what you really need is to have her listen to you, try talking to her. If what you really need is to be at his feet and not necessarily under him in bed, try asking for that. You just might find that afterward, when you do make it to bed, that the sex is a little less clouded with all that other stuff. And you’d be amazed what you can accomplish with a little clarity.
Conquer Me: girl-to-girl wisdom about fulfilling your submissive desires Page 4
