Mary and John run into this just like every other couple. For example:
Mary and her master, John, both have full time jobs, and Mary also handles most of the housework and cooking. They have agreed that John will pick up after himself, like putting his dirty clothes in the hamper, and rinsing his dirty dishes - things which make it easier for her to keep up with everything else. One of her biggest pet peeves is John’s habit of shedding his socks wherever he happens to be. Mary has asked him many times, patiently, to please put them in the hamper. John always apologizes and tries hard to remember, but he still forgets sometimes. Unfortunately, Mary doesn’t see him making much of an effort. One morning, Mary slips on one of John’s socks on the kitchen floor, and nearly falls. She’s instantly angry and, as she turns, she sees John entering the kitchen.
Mary: How many times have I asked you, over and over again, not to leave your socks everywhere? This one was right here in the middle of the damn floor and I nearly fell because of it! Damn it, I could have bashed my head on the table falling like that, but do you care? Obviously not! It’s not like it’s complicated to toss your stupid socks in the fucking hamper! I do everything around here and I don’t understand why you can’t just do this one little thing!
John: I realize you’ve asked me many times, and I acknowledge that I have trouble remembering it all the time. I understand you’re frustrated about that.
While Mary started out calm, by the end of her tirade, she’s nearly shouting. John’s reply to this is the response of our dreams, right? He may even assert his authority over her at this point to remind her of her place… after all, it is a D/S relationship. Perhaps he would choose to use this as a moment to apply some discipline.
John: However, you have no right, under any circumstances, to speak to me so disrespectfully. We’ll deal with this tonight after work. In the meantime, I want you to think about how you could have handled this differently.
It would seem that he’s warned her of a punishment, or at the very least, a discussion, when they’re home from work. Mary can respond in any way she chooses, but at this point, she’d be well-advised to swallow back any angry retorts, because she’s already in trouble and probably doesn’t want to complicate matters. On the other hand, the core issue - what Mary is feeling and why she is feeling it - hasn’t really been dealt with.
But let’s be honest here… when most people are faced with an explosive temper, they are likely to react in the same way. John’s only human, after all, so it’s every bit as likely that his reply would sound more like this:
John: I did put my socks in the hamper, Mary! Why do you think there’s only one on the floor, huh? It must have fallen when I was taking everything over to the laundry room, but you didn’t even bother to ask! You just automatically assume the worst…
It’s very possible that John is feeling angry at having his day start out this way, and also feeling guilty for having left his socks out, again, and that’s why he reacts this way. From here, the whole thing degenerates into a nasty fight, because even though they both have valid points, those are lost in the emotion, volume, and attitudes involved.
Of course, this happens in the reverse as well: masters aren’t immune to angry outbursts, and it’s no more fun when that happens. Mary could have kept her voice calm and level when speaking to John:
Mary: (holds the sock out to John) Master, this was in the middle of the floor. I didn’t see it, and so I nearly fell when I stepped on it and slipped.
John: Why the hell weren’t you looking where you were going? And why couldn’t this have waited until later? Jesus, Mary, I just woke up. Great fucking timing.
Here, Mary has avoided nagging and whining even though she’s probably somewhat tempted to do both. Even so, in this example, Mary and John aren’t any more likely to fix the problem than in the previous one. Mary’s also likely to be feeling pretty put off by this reaction, which may make it difficult for her to express her submission as she would like, until the issue is resolved.
I don’t want to sound repetitive, but it’s worth saying again that this whole issue of how we deal with our anger (and other feelings) goes back to communication. However, there are some specifics about how to communicate through anger that warrant further explanation.
At its core, anger is typically some other emotion, or combination of emotions - so if those can be identified, the issue becomes much easier to address. For instance, Mary feels instant anger when she nearly falls. If she were to take a moment to do a sort of emotional inventory, she might discover that her anger is really a multi-layered system of feelings. For instance, she probably feels that John leaving his sock on the floor is evidence that he doesn’t care about her feelings, since she’s told him many times how much it upsets her when he leaves them lying around. This “evidence” probably makes her feel sad, and scared because of what it might mean… after all, if he doesn’t care about her feelings, what does that say about their relationship? This fear might cause her to feel insecure, because part of her may wonder what she’s done to make him so indifferent to her desires. This insecurity will likely cause her to question his positive regard for her (feelings like respect, admiration, pride and love), and from there, she may even come to question her feelings for him, because how can she submit to a man who so clearly disrespects her? She’s probably also feeling a little sting of the injustice that with everything on her plate, he seems unwilling to help in even the small ways that she’s requested… it’s just not fair. Also, she did just slip and nearly fall, which is going to cause an adrenaline rush because it’s startling. That sudden shift in body chemistry probably makes it more difficult for her to be rational in the face of her anger.
Keep in mind this entire emotional response usually happens in the space of a single heartbeat. Even if Mary is clearly feeling all of these individual things, and not just the overarching sense of anger, there is simply no way she can express them all as they occur, to handle them one at a time. So she’s left to deal with untangling the mess of anger and all of its component parts (which will vary by person and situation) after the fact, and this is typically when angry outbursts occur. Those feelings are strong, immediate, and they want instant gratification. They scream to be let out, and often we do so simply to relieve the internal pressure of feeling it - we all need to vent now and then. But when we vent inappropriately, we’re only compounding the problem. And, to make matters worse, we often logically know what we’re doing, but we can’t seem to help ourselves! Often, there seems to be almost a compulsion to react when we’re angry - just for the emotional relief of expressing some of it, even though we know better.
So how can you get around it? Because I’ve got a lot of experience with this, I’m going to share what I’ve learned with you. Essentially, you find or create a healthy, positive way to handle your anger, and then do it all the time. The secret to successful anger management, in my opinion, requires that you create a habit of positive expressions of your feelings. That doesn’t mean that you express only positive feelings, but that you express even your negative or bad feelings in a way that is not hurtful to you or others.
Obviously the first thing to do is communicate. In the chapter on communication, I mentioned that one of the frequently overlooked steps in communicating is determining what you’re really feeling. After all, you can’t help anyone else understand if you don’t get it yourself. This particular step is crucial to communication about anger. Figure out what simple emotions are combining to form the complex of anger within you, and that’s half the battle. After that, all you have to do is calmly help your partner understand those feelings, and address them one at a time. Don’t be shy… emotion is rarely rational or logical, and most people are aware of this and won’t hold it against you as long as you have a good grip on the realities of the situation at hand, and express yourself like a reasonable adult. For instance, don’t just start sobbing, “You don’t really love me!” (Don’t ask me how I know; j
ust trust me on this.) But you can say, “I know that you love me, but when you do things like this, I begin to question that, because I feel so disregarded, and I don’t understand how it’s possible to disregard someone you love. It’s not completely rational, I know, but the feeling is still very real.”
So let’s move on now to… What was that? You asked if there are ways to avoid getting angry in the first place? That’s a damn good question! The answer is: yes and no.
Yes: Over time, you can become so adept at your own feelings that you begin to recognize them as they occur in their simpler types, before they form the messy complex feeling of anger, and if you deal with those basic emotions in a positive way, you can actually learn to avoid much of the anger that you might be struggling with. This is often part of creating that positive habit I mentioned a couple of paragraphs ago. Also, you might find that you become, overall, less quick to anger, because of this habit.
And no: You are human, you have feelings, and eventually, you’re going to get angry, no matter how well you’ve done forming good, healthy habits for expression. But even if you become furious, you can handle it in a positive way or a negative way. An angry outburst is not a positive way to handle anger. If you’re too enraged to make sense of the whole thing and approach it reasonably, walk away. I know this sounds like a second grade lecture, but it really does work. Walk away from the situation and come back to it when you can handle it appropriately. And even if you slip and find yourself overreacting, you can always apologize. It won’t undo it, but if you’ve got a good track record, you’ll find that forgiveness will often come a little more easily. Everyone has setbacks, so be prepared for it, and don’t let one or two snags upset your overall progress.
Anger, and how we express it, can be a problem in any type of relationship, but I have noticed something which applies specifically to D/S. It’s a sort of interconnected twofold phenomenon. When the master is the one with the anger problem, the submissive often experiences fear, difficulty in trusting him, and guilt over these feelings, all of which can negatively impact her ability to submit. The master himself often feels exasperated because it can sometimes seem to him as though she’s being a little dramatic in her reactions to him, blowing things out of proportion, or personalizing his anger when it has nothing to do with her. He may suffer guilt because of her reactions and because of the core issue of his anger problem overall. All of these elements can impact his ability to dominate effectively. When the submissive is the one with the anger problem, she may at times become despondent because she feels that her anger and her reactions to it push her away from her squishy, vulnerable, happy submissive feelings, and she may suffer terrible guilt.
Whew. So you see the common theme in this phenomenon I mention is both parties typically suffer guilt for the way they feel and/or the way they express those feelings, and this guilt, when left unresolved, often does nothing but negatively affect the ability of those within the relationship to participate in healthy D/S together. The thing about guilt is that it does little good to try to cure it by itself… the underlying issues must be addressed. The cause of each person’s guilt must be discovered and then managed in a way which increases the overall health of the relationship.
In the Mary-and-John example, I stated that Mary had told John, clearly and many times, how she felt about his socks lying all over the place. It’s very important to note that in this example, Mary made her expectations clear. (It is also crucial to remember that it is in no way un-submissive to have expectations of your master.) So many times, though, what happens is that anger arises when expectations are not made clear, and thus the other person has no hope of meeting them. If you are angry because your partner did not meet your expectations, but you have not communicated what they are in a calm, clear, rational way, then you have a bit of work to do. Remember that neither you nor he is a mind-reader. Just as you need to be aware of his expectations, so does he need to be aware of yours. If you find this happening to you, throttle your emotional reaction back long enough to ask yourself if you’ve made it clear what you expect. You might find that simply being more direct and honest about what you need and want is all it takes to clear up many anger-related issues within your relationship.
If you feel that you have an anger problem that you’re having trouble resolving on your own, consider seeking a therapist’s help, or an anger management class. Typically, learning to manage your anger in more healthy, effective ways doesn’t require long-term therapy. Once you learn the tools that work for you, all that is usually needed is for you to implement them on a regular basis, and form those good habits we talked about. It is not a weakness to seek help when something is a little too big for you.
TWELVE
Catechism and Chain
Most welcome, bondage, for thou art a way, I think, to liberty. - William Shakespeare
“KNEEL,” HE SAID SUDDENLY, FROM BEHIND ME.
Certain parts of me understood and moved to obey before the other parts had caught up, and as a result, I gasped in surprise even as my feet spun me around. The dildo I’d had in my hand went flying into the bathroom, since I let go of it mid-whirl. I was in front of the bathroom doorway… I had been going to clean the dildo before bed, in case he wanted to use it on me, and since my hair sticks to everything in the house, including the people who live in it.
No longer. I was kneeling, though I wasn’t ready. I was still wearing panties, and I am almost never permitted clothing when I kneel. My hair was up, and that is also unusual. My heart was still racing from the surprise, and my breath was coming fast, as if trying to catch up to my heart, which didn’t slow. I stared at the carpet in front of me, knowing that I am not permitted to meet his eyes while I’m kneeling unless I am addressed and it is indicated that I may.
Silence. I heard him moving, across the room, and heard the distinctive jingle of his formal collar… I cannot say my formal collar, for it doesn’t belong to me, though it is my neck it encircles when it pleases him.
Silence. Then, “What are you, slut?” His voice was low and smooth… it cost him no effort to ask me this question.
I answered immediately, as I knew was required. “Yours, Master.”
“Who owns you?”
“You, Master.”
“Who do you belong to?”
“You, Master.”
“What will you do, girl?”
“Anything to please you, Master.”
“Why?”
Pause.
This, just this, is why it is never a scripted exchange. Some questions remain the same and the answers are as known to me as my own breath and fingernails. But every time, there is at least one unexpected question, and tonight, it was “Why?” The pause in my head was excruciatingly long, though it must have only been a second in actual time. I frantically cast about for an answer, but quickly realized it was unnecessary. I didn’t need to look for an answer. I simply needed to give him the one that I already knew. So I did. “Because, Master, that is what I am made for.”
And in saying it, saying it out loud just like that for the first time in my life, I knew it was one of the most profound truths ever to pass my lips. That is what I am made for. To be pleasing, to please him. Everything else is secondary to that, which I suppose makes me unspeakably lucky that he cherishes me as I am, and so much of what I hold dear is also dear and pleasing to him, allowing me to not lose myself in service… but to find myself. This entire realization was made in an instant of time far too small to be measured.
He spoke again. “Where do you belong?” Ah, this was familiar.
“At your feet, Master.”
He moved to me, touching me lightly with his feet, as if checking the width of my parted legs. He brushed his toe over the crotch of my panties, and my breath caught. He went behind me and I pulled my shoulders even straighter. “Palms up, girl,” he chastised, and I immediately corrected my lazy hands while murmuring a hasty assent. He went on, “Your palms should always
be ready for whatever I may choose to place in them.” He put the formal collar on my neck, removing the daily one I wear in public and often at home. He moved back in front of me. “Yes, girl?” he asked. This is ritual, and I slipped into it gratefully.
“Master, may I come to bed?” A fleeting thought of the dildo now on the bathroom floor went through my mind, but I dismissed it as not my concern. If he had need of it, he would send me to fetch and clean it for him. Acknowledging that was sweet release.
“No, girl. Not tonight.” Startled, I very nearly looked up at him, but caught my gaze before it rose above his waist. Trembling suddenly, I remained silent in my confusion. He instructed me to make a pallet at the foot of his bed. I did so. He told me to kneel again, and I obeyed. He locked to my collar a length of chain. He cuffed my hands and chained them together with a generous amount of slack. Then he locked the chain descending from the collar to the central link of the chain binding my hands. He put me down to sleep, and I struggled to cover myself, now that my movement was restricted, and moving around the extra pounds of steel was quite an effort.
He got into his bed alone, and I felt abandoned there on the floor, worlds away from him though I could hear his breath in the darkness. “Master?” I spoke softly into the dark.
Conquer Me: girl-to-girl wisdom about fulfilling your submissive desires Page 6
