by Ford, Mia
Once Sierra hangs up the phone, I let a deep sigh of sadness, knowing that I can’t just go to work without talking about this to someone. There is only one person that I feel can understand this.
“Dad,” I whisper as I hit the call button. “Dad, please help me. I need you right now.”
Thankfully, he doesn’t take long to pick up. “Hey, son, how are you? I was just thinking about you…”
“Dad, I’m a mess,” I jump in right away. “The last couple of days have been… well, I don’t even know how to describe it. Just awful.”
“Oh, I saw something about the woman that you have been in a movie with. The two of you are…”
“No, there is nothing going on between me and Winter, that was all just pictures taken at the wrong times, you know how it is.” Of course he does. “But Darcy doesn’t. She doesn’t get it at all. She thinks that something must be going on, which is why she left. She couldn’t stand it; she doesn’t trust me…”
“Love when you are in the public eye is a very difficult thing, which I’m sure you appreciate more now.”
“Well, it isn’t just that.” I almost forgot about his negativity towards love for a moment. Of course, he isn’t the right person to discuss any of this with. “Mom spoke to the media about me, which encouraged me to get in touch.” I hear a weird banging sound on the other end, like my father has dropped the phone or something. Maybe I should have been a bit more sensitive about how I let that out. “Dad, are you still there?”
“Your mother?” he rasps desperately. “You found her? You spoke to her? Where is she?”
I feel like I might be about to break him here, but I feel like this needs to be done to allow him to finally move on. He has been clinging to a love story for far too long that isn’t ever going to work out… which I fear is something that I might be doing as well. Clinging on to Darcy even though I can’t make it work.
“Dad, she’s in a motel in LA. Or at least she was, she might have taken the money that I gave her to move on, I don’t know. She told me that it was for debts, but I really don’t think that it was…”
“She’s in trouble?” he interrupts desperately. “What has happened to her? Can I help her?”
“Dad, she’s very clearly a drug addict, and not one who is in the right place to be helped. I know that must be hard to hear, but she didn’t even want to know me at all. She just wanted cash for her next fix.”
“No,” Dad whispers, his heart breaking into pieces. “No, she isn’t like that.”
“Dad, she was smoking drugs in front of me. She even told me that much.”
“Oh God.” I can almost see him, crumbling to the ground. This is going to really hurt him. I need to go home and see him. As soon as I am finished with this movie, I will be there for him. We need each other right now. “She’s gone. The woman that I love doesn’t exist anymore. She’s gone.”
“I’m sorry, Dad. I’m sorry about this. I know how bad it must be.”
It’s bad for both of us, this will harm us equally. Mom has ruined us once more. But we will be strong and get through it. I guess this is why I’m so used to heartbreak, why I should be able to move on from Darcy, but I don’t know if I can. I don’t know if I will ever be able to recover from this.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Darcy
January 25th
The smell of bacon stirs me from my sleep, just like it has done every single morning since I have been at Ivy’s house. God, she really is the best friend that I could ever have. I don’t know what I would do without her. Not only have her and Adam opened up their house to me in my hour of need, they have really taken care of me. I haven’t had to face any judgements about the pregnancy or my decision to come back home, I have just had support. This is what it should have been like when I went back home, but it wasn’t.
Mind you, I don’t know if my father, or even my mother, have tried to call me over the last few days anyway because my cell phone ran out of battery and I don’t have a charger to replenish it. Nor do I want one. I am glad not to have people contacting me at all times. It’s giving me time to think. Not that I have come up with anything useful during my thinking time, it’s been a whole lot of tears.
“Morning, beautiful,” Ivy declares in a teasing tone as she brings a plate of food over to the couch which has become my home. “I thought you might need a breakfast sandwich to help wake you up.”
“You are the best wife ever,” I groan back as I force myself into a sitting position. “Adam is very lucky.”
“Not that I’m his wife yet, but I’m sure that he will ask soon… if he knows what’s good for him.”
We both laugh, but I can sense something in the under tone of Ivy’s mirth. This isn’t just a normal breakfast, she’s a little bit on edge which immediately bolts fear through me. I have learned that I don’t much like surprises because they aren’t often very pleasant for me. I stiffen up and stare defiantly at her.
“So, I was just wondering if you have heard from anyone yet?” I shake my head. I haven’t exactly told Ivy that I have been avoiding my phone like the plague. “So, nothing from your parents… or Seth?”
“Seth won’t get in touch with me now. He’s still filming with his new girlfriend.” God that makes anger explode through me pretty violently. Even thinking of them together is too much for me.
“Right, because I’m just thinking that things could change with the baby on the way…”
“I can’t run back to him with baby news. He will assume that I am just gold digging…”
“No, he won’t,” Ivy insists. “He has known you for so much of your life. This isn’t just some stupid fling, you and he had something so much deeper than that. He will want to hear about it. I don’t even know if there is something with him and Winter. You didn’t hear him out about it, did you?”
“Oh, there was.” I nod fervently. “How can there not be? She is so beautiful, everyone wants her. Seth didn’t even care about my feelings when it all came out anyway, he was all mixed up in another drama.”
“I know, I know.” Ivy nods acceptingly. “I get what you’re saying, and I understand that you know what’s best for you and your baby. I trust your judgement, I just wanted to check that you were sure.”
“Well, I’m sure. I know that I can’t go back there now. I just need to move forwards…”
My words fall apart because I just don’t know how to move forward. I have no idea where ‘forward’ means for me. It’s something that I have to figure out in the next few months before everything changes again.
“Well, speaking of moving forwards…” Ivy reaches behind her back and she pulls something out to show me. “I have got something for the pair of us because I feel like we both need a break from life right now. So, I took the initiative and booked us both tickets for a few days in the big apple. We’re going to New York.”
“What?” I scream, unable to contain my excitement. “Are you serious? New York?”
“I am. That’s why I wanted to check that you weren’t about to run back to LA at any moment, because if that’s what you want then I won’t stand in the way, but if you don’t want to go back then we need a girls’ trip.”
“God, New York.” There is such a big smile on my face that I can’t contain it. “I have always wanted to go to New York. Actually, when I was younger, I used to dream of living in New York…”
“Which is exactly why you need to go, to cleanse yourself and start fresh. Doesn’t that sound perfect?” I can’t do anything but nod, because the emotions are starting to get to me now. I can’t believe how lucky I am to have an incredible friend like Ivy. She really is a bright silver lining to the black cloud of my life. “Good, because you need to get your ass in gear and pack. We are going today. No time like the present.”
“Really? Today?” Oh my God, the excitement just keeps getting bigger and better. “Are you serious?”
“It was cheaper to get last minute tickets, so yep, sur
e is.” She beams happily. “So, time to get packed up.”
I leap up from the couch, much more excited about everything. Life feels amazing now, much more positive than things have been in a long time. This really can be a fresh start for me, a platform to get stronger from. This situation isn’t ideal, but I can be strong enough to handle it, can’t I? I should be strong enough to handle anything. Even if it is heartbreak, a failed relationship, and a poor baby in the middle of it…
* * *
“New York, New York,” I say in a sing song tone of voice as I spin around happily. “We’re here.”
“I know, I can’t believe it!” Ivy declares with as much joy as me. “God, I needed this. Much as I love my life and my business, it’s always amazing to take some time off from everything, isn’t it?”
“It’s just good for me to be off the couch! I have spent so much time wallowing.”
“I know.” Ivy wraps her arm around me and pulls me in for a hug. “That’s why we’re here, and that is why we’re going out tonight. I know you can’t drink, but that doesn’t mean we can’t have a fun night in New York bars. I won’t drink either, but we can get dressed up and have lemonade in champagne flutes.”
“I have had enough of pretending to be posh.” I roll my eyes and snort. “Give me a can to drink from.”
“Whatever you want, Darcy, girl. This trip is all about you. Champagne flutes in posh skyline bars, cans of lemonade in the corner store, I don’t mind. I’m just ready to let my hair down, that’s all.”
“Sounds brilliant. We should go with the flow and see where the night takes us. Really experience New York.”
We walk down the sidewalk in one of the most famous cities in the world, near the tallest skyscrapers, the yellowest cabs, the nicest bakeries in the world, and I feel incredible. Perhaps I should have stuck to my initial childlike dreams and moved here as soon as I finished my education. I never even planned what I would do in New York, I just knew that I wanted to be in the city. Sure, my makeup line didn’t work out in LA, but that’s because I didn’t put enough effort in. I didn’t feel inspired. Here, I could be something more. I could really be that best version of myself. I could finally bloom out of my shell and become me.
What are you thinking? I giggle to myself as the idea of me staying here consumes me. You’re crazy.
“I just feel free here.” I spin around and dance with laughter. “I love it. It’s the center of the world.”
“Every New Yorker would probably tell you that,” Ivy laughs. “But I don’t know. It is nice though…”
We head to our hotel room and plan our amazing night out in the city that never sleeps. This isn’t how my pregnancy started, nor is it how I expect it to end, but for a little bolt of excitement in the middle, after the sadness I have been through is just so damn perfect. I am so lucky to have Ivy who understands me and what I need better than anyone else. Even better than myself. If only Seth could have seen me so clearly, maybe things would be different now. Perhaps we could be together through all of this… but there is no longer any reason to wonder what could have been. We tried and failed, so now it’s all about moving on forwards and upwards.
* * *
I smile at Ivy who has curled herself up at the bottom of the bed like a cat and fallen asleep. It’s not even midnight yet, but we had to come back from our magical New York night because we became so exhausted… I guess we aren’t the party animals that we used to be. Well, sort of. Not that I mind. I’m glad to have this time alone to pace around the hotel room and occasionally stare out the window to think.
Obviously, I haven’t been drinking, I was actually drinking water most of the night, but I have a bit of a high like I’m buzzing from the booze. But I’m high from New York, not anything else. There is just something about this place that makes me feel like the best version of myself. It feels like me. I get a different vibe from this city; it isn’t like Hollywood where I was basically following Seth. Nor is it home where I haven’t ever felt wanted. This seems like the place where I am meant to be. When I was a child, I wanted this, and now that I am here, I can’t help remembering that dream and wanting it all over again.
I yearn for it; my heart actually aches. I don’t think that I have ever felt this way about anything before. Not even Seth, and I thought that I wanted him really badly. But this is more of a need than anything else.
I am here with all of the possessions that I could possibly need, I don’t even have to go back if I don’t want to. I could just stay. Say goodbye to all of my old problems. I could start again, couldn’t I? I already know that it won’t be easy, I’m not naïve and expecting this to flow perfectly, but I feel stronger now, like I could handle this alone. If I want to. As I look out the window, I really do want to…
This could be for me, only me. Me alone. This could be my fresh start, not with anyone else involved. I can take my life in my own hands and make it what I want it to be. The smile on my face in New York just keeps getting bigger and bigger. I need happiness, my child needs happiness, and here I can make that happen.
Finally, this feels like a smart decision. The first one that I have made in a very long time. I just hope that Ivy understands and continues to support me because she is my rock right now.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Seth
January 30th
I am exhausted. Absolutely shattered, but I knew that was going to happen when I spoke to the director about upping the film schedule to get all of my parts done as rapidly as possible. I wanted to get done so I can get back to my hometown, check on my father because of how much of a mess that he has become. Telling him about my mother has killed him, finding out that she has wrecked her life, is too much for him. I need to help.
So, the schedule has been crazy, and awkward as well. Filming anything with Winter has been a challenge, knowing how she feels and what the world thinks about us, made it almost impossible to revert back into character again, but I had an end goal, so I made myself do it. I refused to be taken down, and I just shut down emotionally. I haven’t talked to anyone about anything personal recently, least of all Winter. She even had the gall to ask me about Darcy at one point, but I shut that down quicker than she could ask anything else.
But anyway, that doesn’t matter anymore. Unless anything needs to be re shot, which I’m really hoping that it doesn’t, then I am done with that movie. I am finished and ready for the next project… but not yet. Not until I am done looking after my father who needs me more than ever.
Don’t look next door, I tell myself. Don’t think about Darcy. Not yet. You don’t even know if she is here…
I shake my head, trying to stop thinking about anything other than my father, and I force my legs to move forwards. This is what I have been working towards, this is what I need. Even though it wasn’t that long ago that I was here last, it feels like it has been a lifetime because so much has changed. So damn much. My mother, my relationship, my career… God, I don’t even know. It’s too much for words.
“Dad?” I call out anxiously as I step inside the door. “Dad, are you here?”
My father knows that I’m coming, but to be honest he has been a bit scatter brained recently. I don’t know if he’s remembered that I am home today. I don’t know if he knows anything right about now.
“Dad?” luckily, it doesn’t take me long to find him. He’s in the kitchen with his head on the table, a mug of cold coffee that could have been there for a very long time, sitting untouched in front of him. “I’m here.”
“Hi, son.” He barely lifts his head off the table to look at me. “Good to see you.”
“Oh, Dad. You look awful.” I sit beside him and look on hopelessly. “I’m so sorry about all of this. I’m sorry for all of it. For speaking to Mom, for telling you about it, for taking a while to come back.”
“This isn’t your fault, Seth, I don’t blame you. Everything that your mother has done is her own decision making, I know that. She le
ft me because she wanted to, she took drugs knowing exactly what that would do to her in the end, she reached out to you only for money because that’s what her life has become…” He looks up at me at last and I’m overwhelmed as I see the sadness in his eyes. “I’m just grieving, that’s all. It’s like someone I love has died, not just become someone else, and it makes me feel sad that I have wasted my life on her.”
He has, and that’s what’s sad. He has wasted so many of his best years hanging onto a woman who wasn’t even a person anymore, just a shell addicted to drugs.
“You should take this as a positive, Dad, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. You should take this as the first day of the rest of your life. Now, you don’t have to hang on to something that won’t happen anymore. You can finally start finding love with someone else… if that’s what you want. I don’t know what you want…”
“I guess I do want that.” He nods slowly. “I want that a lot. I have just been holding on.”
His body slumps forward, I can almost see the tension rolling off his shoulders. I hope that this is him letting go of everything with my mother and finally moving passed it. It will take time, I know that, it isn’t going to just happen overnight. Love doesn’t work that way, but I can help him.
“I’m going to stay for as long as you need me to,” I reassure him. “So, you don’t need to be worried.”
“I don’t want you to put your life on hold because of me. Because of your mother.”
“It isn’t like that. Not at all. I want to be there for you. I want to be here. I need a break from LA.”
He gives me a look but seems to sense that I really do mean this, so he nods gratefully. “Thank you, Seth. It means a lot to me that you are here. It’s always good to have you around, you know?”
