by Olivia Grey
“Maybe not so much in the beginning,” I admitted, “but all in all, I’d have to say I did. I haven’t danced that much since… come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve ever danced that much. And Jemma, she was sweet. A lot nicer than ever. I dunno, it was strange. Like there was something bothering her, but she didn’t quite feel like getting it off her chest.”
“Serves her right,” Axel spat.
“I feel bad for her. I know that whatever the both of you have going on isn’t exactly ideal but I think I still like her.”
“You change your mind about that girl every two seconds. One minute you want to crush her and the other you’re all like…”
“She’s the reason we get to be together.”
“See what you did there, Frances?” he replied, pulling the car over and coming to a complete stop. “This has nothing to do with that.”
‘Why are you getting so defensive?’
“Because…” he paused, pulled my hand to his mouth and held a kiss against it. “Because, Frances. I don’t need her anymore. I got the scholarship and when you start getting all mushy about Jemma it makes me panicky.”
“Well congratulations,” I chimed in, “that’s really, really great.”
I was excited for him. His dreams were edging closer to fulfilment, and the one thing he wanted finally fell into place. Persistence, that’s all it was. Mr. Jones stopped at nothing and Axel- regardless of wanting to succumb to frustration numerous times- also didn’t accept defeat. Scholarships aren’t always issued based on a GPA. A story, one that manages to tug on the reader’s heartstrings- that can also get you pretty far. And for Axel, that was the golden ticket.
“Except it’s not all great. We can finally tell her about us. We don’t have to hide our relationship anymore; but we will. We’ll do it because you feel the need to protect Jemma. We’ll hide because you’re afraid to hurt her and in return, you’re okay with hurting yourself.”
“I dunno, Axel. It’s just that…”
“You feel like you owe her something. Well, you don’t. You deserve to be told how beautiful you are. You deserve to be kissed in hallways and picked up from class. You deserve roses and lilies, a guy who isn’t afraid to stare at you for hours on end, regardless of who’s watching. It’s what you want, isn’t it? You do want me to love you openly.”
“I don’t care about that,” I replied, knowing it was only a partial truth. “The only thing that matters to me is that I have you. Doesn’t matter if it’s for a minute each day, it doesn’t even matter if it’s for a minute during the entire week. It’s knowing that you love me that I care about.”
“Actions, Frances,” he said, “speak louder than words. I can tell you a million times how much I love you but unless you feel it, you won’t really know that it’s there. We’ll be graduating in a matter of months and I need to make those months feel like a lifetime of love. I can’t do that when I’m faking it with Jemma. I just want you. That’s it. I don’t care what kind of rumors she tries to start. It doesn’t matter how many people start to snicker behind our backs. All I want is you.”
“And I want that too Axel, I do. I just need some time to think, you know. Maybe I can make her understand.”
“How much time are we talking about?”
A month? A year? Never? I didn’t know. I was terrified. I’d been dreaming of this day and finally, it’s here and I have no idea what approach to take. Jemma was a bitch, but I wasn’t. I couldn’t just walk up to her and act like she deserved what I did. I wasn’t seeking revenge, I was seeking love.
“I don’t care when you tell her, Frances. But I’m gonna let her know that the clock’s up for us. Pushing me around stops now. So yes, I’m gonna tell her about the scholarship tomorrow and the rest is up to you. But don’t convince yourself that the truth would be worse than the lie. Because whichever way you look at it, we did something wrong. Not just me and you, but Jemma as well.”
“Tomorrow?” I felt a breath hitch in my throat.
“Yes, tomorrow. And I’m hoping you’ll be brave enough to be honest too. Just look at it this way, you’re trying to protect her pride, not her feelings. It’s not like she’s in love with me or anything. She just wants control. That’s it. Nothing more.”
“I’ll think about it, Axel,” I replied.
“I love you Frances and it’s not fair that I only get to show you a half of what it means to be in love.”
35
Jemma
Sunday morning pushed through the sky, bright and fierce, warning us that it’s here, daring us to forget it. I pulled the curtain apart and flopped back down on my bed, my eyes taking it all in. When we’re all gone, it’ll still be there, waking the nothingness that’s left on earth. I wondered if it appreciated us for being able to appreciate it; if the bleak days were its way of reminding us that there isn’t always sunshine- that happiness can fade away. Human beings are a selfish species. We like to think that we’re not, but the truth is, each individual is first concerned with their own wellbeing and then the wellbeing of those closest to them. It’s not something to frown upon. We all want to survive. To do so, we need to put ourselves first.
I didn’t blame Axel for going behind my back. I guess I would have done the same. But what really irked me was the lack of patience he possessed. One night, one perfect night, that’s all I wanted before the storm. But no, he couldn’t let me have it. He returned to my house a mere hour after leaving. There I was thinking that he would have reveled in the opportunity to be out of my sight and have Frances all to himself. That itchy palm, quickened pulse, it took him right back to me. The ringing of the doorbell followed by the pounding on the door, was enough to tell me there was something wrong. Usually, I could handle Axel’s little outbursts, there was never much substance to them. Except this time, he managed to surprise me. A scholarship, contingent on his performance during the semester, but nonetheless, a scholarship. That was the one last thread holding us together. Oh the pride he exuded, being able to dangle that damn thing in my face. I hated that perhaps more than I hated him. I wasn’t ready. There were still preparations to be made before the final piece of my plan was to be put in place. Unfortunately, the risk of having Axel skip away joyfully without his shackles was higher than the risk of carrying out a lackluster plan.
After a quick shower and minimal time getting dressed, I dialed Frances. She picked up after the third ring, her voice – not surprisingly- chirpier than I would have hoped. Axel must have bragged about his little scholarship to her too but judging by her tone, she had no idea that he’d already enlightened me. I invited Frances to shoot a couple of rounds, which she agreed to after a bit of convincing- not begging. At least someone was still aware of who was in control. Maybe Frances was more loyal than I gave her credit for. If only she knew. If only she knew.
Pulling up to the entrance of the woods, I noticed that Frances had made it there before me. Other than that, the place was just as empty as it always was. That’s why I’d chosen it in the first place. It took a great deal of scouting around, watching and waiting, to determine that this was the spot. For what I had planned, I couldn’t risk a single soul deciding to go on a bike trip, an early morning run or an afternoon picnic. I needed silence. I needed privacy.
I rolled my hands into a ball and rubbed my eyes thoroughly. They needed to be red- at least slightly. It couldn’t look like I’d been weeping like a baby, but I also couldn’t seem happy. Discretely, I checked my face in the mirror, ensure that my mascara was smudged enough but not too much.
I honked my horn once, exited the car and waited for Frances to follow. It took her a few seconds before she finally stepped one foot after the other on the rocky pathway and pointed her key fob at her vehicle.
“This is a little too early, Jemma,” she smiled, blocking the sun out with a hand held to her face.
“Yeah. Just couldn’t sleep much to be honest. Can I borrow your phone for a minute?” I asked, patting my pockets
to make it seem like I’d forgotten mine.
“Yeah, sure,” Frances replied.
Kind, as usual. If she could only learn to read through the bullshit and realize that not everyone is as angelic as she believes them to be. I pitied her, really really felt sorry for her; for the things I was doing to her. She was a pawn, a big bright pawn that was begging to be used and I was out to win a very important game. Time spent on pity was minimal, bigger fish to fry and all. If you’re not willing to put yourself before the entire world, then the world will put itself before you.
I sent a quick message to the other piece in my puzzle and shut Frances’ phone off. No phone call would be important enough to have its interruption encouraged. Frances and I ventured into the woods, sought out the darkest spots where the birds chirped a little less cheerfully, where the trees rattled warning symbols which she, undoubtedly ignored. From my backpack, I retrieved two rifles, one for me and a pretty much identical one for her.
“We’re gonna shoot around for a few minutes and then…”
“Jemma,” she breathed, taking the gun from my hand and dangling it at arm’s length. “I’ve got something to tell you.”
Not now Frances. Not now. I can’t have a reason to be mad. You can’t know just how big the fire inside my chest is burning.
“Later. Let’s shoot around a little and then we’ll talk. But…” I pressed a finger against her marginally parted lips, “I’ve got something to say to you first.”
I did. I had secrets to expose, and tissues to help mop up the repercussions of those enigmas.
We didn’t aim at anything in particular. I’d point out a spot on a thick bellied tree, brace myself behind her and watch her aim… and miss. Nevertheless, I congratulated her on every horrible shot she took.
“Close. Just so close,” I said, regardless of how far out of the ballpark she’d managed to deviate.
As always, she nodded and creased her forehead with that determined look. She was a smart girl, but still dumb in a lot of respects. She wouldn’t make things easy for me. I was prepared for that. Perception, that’s all it took. Perception and anger. If she believed enough, then it would become her truth.
“Alright, let’s settle down over here.”
I chose a patch of land only a few feet from where we’d been standing. Frances approached me, slumped shoulders and a grim expression. She brushed over the area with her feet, before carefully and then clumsily flopping down beside me.
“Jemma,” she tried again.
“My turn first,” I interrupted. “Now, I’m going to show you something and it’s going to make you upset, but I want to remind you, that no matter what, I’m here for you, okay?” I brushed a hand reassuringly against her thigh, watching her eyes widen as I spoke. I pulled the camera from my backpack, sucked in a long breath and reminded myself to cry on queue. “Frances,” I whispered her name, “you’ve got to believe that I never thought he’d do something like this again. Not to you, at least. He’s got nothing to gain from it, and I just… I… uh… I never saw it coming.”
Stuttering was necessary, more convincing than just speaking without hesitation. She knew me well enough to know that I was fully capable of keeping it together. So seeing me like this would throw her off guard. It would make her believe, deep deep down, that I had no control. People like Frances like that. They like to see their ‘heroes’ be a little more human sometimes- a little more like them.
“I don’t understand.” She shook her head, a tear already glistening in the corner of her eye.
“Just take a look. You don’t have to watch it all, but you’ll get the point. You’ll see what he did to me and you’ll see that he did the same thing to you.”
“What is it?” A single tear escaped her eye, wiping away a line of foundation as it tracked down her cheek in one uninterrupted glide. She turned the camera around, examined it in her hand as though it were some sort of alien device.
“I found it in his room,” I explained. “Axel came to my house yesterday bragging about some scholarship that he got and threatening to ruin me. I knew that I had to find the recording before he did anything with it and then I stumbled upon this. The scholarship, that’s all I had. It was the only thing preventing him from ruining my life and now that he doesn’t need me anymore, he… he has no reason not to use it. One stupid recording. One fucking piece of shit and my entire life will…”
“Recording of what?”
She was still pretending to be naïve. I didn’t blame her. As far as she was concerned, Axel was ‘it’, Prince Charming, the purest suitor alive.
I reached a hand over, clicked ‘play’ and allowed Jemma to weep over the moans that streamed through the camera’s speakers. “Oh yeah, just like that. Tell me if it hurts Frances. I don’t want to hurt you. Oh, that feels so good.” The camera fell from her hand as she covered her mouth, trying with all her might to push the sobs back in, to contain them.
“No,” she wailed. “He wouldn’t.”
“We’ll take care of it,” I promised. “I’ve already ruined mine. Smashed it into a million pieces. We’ll do the same to this one. All I need is for you to keep him away from his house while I go back and search, just to make sure he doesn’t have any copies.”
“Jemma,” she cried even harder now, her breaths trembling against my chest, her tears drenching my shirt. “Axel would never do something like this.”
“He was using you,” I replied, pulling her even closer into me. I pointed my head at the sun, opened my eyes wide, and permitted it to burn the first few tears into existence. “He uses everybody, Frances. That’s what he does. I thought he loved me too,” I said, imitating her sadness. “I really thought he did. I’d forgiven him, you know. I’d completely forgiven him.”
“Is this what he has against you- your secret? Is this it?”
I nodded, bumping my chin into the top of her head so that she knew what I was saying without having to actually hear the words.
“No,” she wailed again, throwing her hands around me and begging to be consoled.
I obliged, loosely placing a hand on her back, moving it around in small circular motions.
“He’s coming here, Frances. You’ve got to keep it together, don’t let him know that we know. Okay? I’m just as afraid and upset as you are, but if I don’t find those copies, who knows what he’ll do with them.”
“What do I tell him?”
“I dunno. Tell him that you told me about the both of you, about your relationship. I’ll pretend that I’m pissed.”
“How did you find out about us?” She pulled herself away from me, plucked a handful of grass from the ground and sprinkled it over her legs. “Did he…”
“No. I sorta figured it out. But that’s not important.”
“Do you hate me,” she sniffled.
“I don’t hate you, Frances. I’m not sure if we can be friends after what you did. I mean, it’s not like I was hurt by you having a relationship with Axel, but it’s the betrayal.”
“I’m sorry…” she started.
“Don’t’ be sorry. Really, don’t. You were just… following your heart,” I allowed.
36
Frances
Imagine sitting in a valley, the greenest grass at your feet, majestic mountains all around. I’d been there, wanting to climb that mountain, strap on a parachute and just jump, knowing that when I land, I’d be safe. Take on something dangerous and turn it into something tremendous, a memory that makes your tummy tingle each time it pops into your head. Now, imagine that mountain crumbling. Not tiny pebbles, but big boulders flinging themselves toward you. That’s where I was. Sitting in the middle of nowhere, being hit, waiting to be hit even harder. I thought I’d have been able to fly with freedom, have my hair wave across my face in gentle wind driven motions. Instead, the mountain started ripping itself apart before I could even make the first step toward climbing it.
For once, Jemma wasn’t to blame. She was the devil. She
was once the light -a hot and fierce source of illumination- and then, she was the darkness. She was everything standing in the way of my happiness. Compared to what I’d just learned about Axel, she wasn’t the only or even the most evil to exist in my world. It’s as though Jemma was a guard- blocking the entrance to hell, warning me not to go in, but yet, tempting me ever so slightly. And Axel, he was waiting on the inside, the devil’s superior. Patient but deadly. As soon as those doors were opened, I knew a different kind of heat, a more ferocious form of pain. One that doesn’t just break your heart but instead, opens up your chest and pokes little holes in it, pushing deeper and deeper every time. I cried, when what I really wanted to do was scream. I hugged the devil- Jemma, knowing that she was nothing compared to the superior monster that had so coyly bridged a connection between us.
“A couple more rounds,” Jemma said, “work out some of that anger.”
For the first time, I really wanted to. I picked up the gun, no longer afraid of its power and I sunk three dents into the tree I’d missed at least five times only a few minutes ago. Again and again, until nothing happened. No bang, no boom, nothing.
“You’re out,” came Jemma’s voice as she reached her hand out, fiddled around with the gun and handed it back to me- heavier.
I took aim and then halted, succumbed to the clenching in my chest. I remembered what to say, how to act, how to behave. I remembered it all until his eyes met mine and then that clenching turned into a sting, a burn, a roaring inside my chest that begged to be released. When I saw Axel, really saw him, I forgot. My memory was wiped as clean as a dentist’s finest tool and I couldn’t… I couldn’t reach into the rational part of my brain and pluck at the actions Jemma wished to see me portray.
Eye to eye with the devil, a fury more vicious than his own, I looked at him and then through him, seeing who he really was inside.
