Waking in the hotel, Laurie reached over for where Stanford slept, smiling at his lover’s loud snores. Laurie hadn’t truly believed that Stan would make the journey, but now on Sunday, it was as if Stan had always been in Miami, like Laurie hadn’t been living with Uncle Mickey and Aunt Sheila for the last several…. Time had altered from the moment Laurie spotted Stanford stepping into the terminal, looking bedraggled but so wonderful to Laurie’s weary eyes and aching heart. They had approached each other formally, making small talk about Stan’s flights and the humid weather, even as it was already past eight in the evening. Yet, after they had collected Stan’s bag and made their way to Sheila’s car, pretenses were dropped. Laurie caressed Stanford’s face, squeezing his hand, then speaking words that had needed an outlet. Laurie loved this man and told him so repeatedly as he drove them to this hotel, where they had spent nearly the entire weekend, just the two of them.
Stan wasn’t leaving until tomorrow, but Laurie didn’t ponder that, merely listening to the familiar pattern of Stan’s drones, although they sounded altered. Laurie didn’t wonder if it was from being away from home, the weather, or…. Laurie couldn’t conjure more than Seth’s name. The pain attached to even that was so great, yet in observing his lover, the ache subsided, for Laurie had not lost this man. Stanford might be nearly a dead weight beside him, but those rumbles proved life was being inhaled and out, and what a life it was. No, this wasn’t their house, nor could they display their affections outside of these walls. But within this room, adoration and attraction and of course love had been shared, and after a long, dreary summer, both men had needed to give and reciprocate those sentiments. Life required such pleasures and levels of attachment, and Laurie had nearly forgotten how vital were those elements. He wasn’t sure for how much longer he would stay in Florida, but regardless, the rest of his tenure would be shored up by this weekend, which still had one more day to be enjoyed.
Laurie didn’t know what they would do; they wouldn’t visit the Goldsmiths, which made him smile. While Sheila had graciously told Laurie to keep her car as long as was necessary, Mickey had made it plain that he didn’t need to meet Stanford. Laurie wasn’t bothered by his uncle’s disdain. Once Laurie left Florida, he didn’t imagine he would ever return, nor did he expect to see the Goldsmiths up north. Laurie now wondered how he would look back on these days, as if he’d stepped through a looking glass or…. Maybe he would shut out this summer, only recalling the moments spent in a hotel with the most precious person in Laurie’s world. He reached over, running his fingers through Stan’s thinning hair. Stanford snorted, but didn’t stir from sleep. Laurie studied the side of Stan’s face, how young he looked in sleep. If not for his mostly bald head, Laurie could picture who he had met nearly twenty years before; a rather intense young art dealer who had the most piercing gaze, staring at Laurie without any shame. Stanford’s smile had been merely a hint, but Laurie had understood Stanford perfectly, and by the end of that evening, Laurie had no doubt with whom he would next share dinner. It wouldn’t be with the girl he had taken to that party, her name lost to him now. It had been with the person still slumbering at Laurie’s side, someone at times prickly and often shielded from nearly the rest of the world. But this man was Laurie’s universe, which had so little to do with the realm Laurie had inhabited lately. Stan was healthy in mind and body, and Laurie smiled, then snickered, as he again traced Stan’s hairline, but not as lightly as before.
Stanford snorted again, but a loud breath was then taken, followed by more snorts, which woke him. He rolled to his back, rubbing his eyes. Then he faced Laurie, but didn’t speak. He merely grinned in such a way that again Laurie wondered if they had gone back in time. Perhaps they were in their early twenties, exploring the possibilities of what it meant to fall in love. Neither had assumed they would ever succumb to such a fanciful notion, or at least not to the degree that love had infiltrated. Laurie had assumed he would wed a Jewish girl, pleasing his mother and the rest, leaving a large part of his heart yearning for something more fulfilling. And as for Stanford….
While he’d never revealed any whimsical aspirations, Laurie knew what that man had considered as his lot in life, but he wouldn’t have been like his grandfather, marrying for propriety’s sake or to further the family name. Stanford would have slipped in and out of meaningless relationships, not permitting anyone to get under his skin. How had Laurie managed such a feat, he wondered, watching Stan slowly stir from deep slumber. Maybe it was Laurie’s zest for life, the few years that separated them, his religion….. Had falling in love with a Jew given Stanford the space to set aside expectations? It wasn’t only that Stanford loved a man, but one not at all Christian, not that Stan believed in God. Yet maybe Laurie’s faith allowed Stan greater leeway in letting down his guard. If Stanford was going to spend the rest of his life with one person, a man no less, why not choose someone who would truly break boundaries? Laurie smiled; Michael and Constance would have disapproved if Stanford had fallen for a Jewish woman, but Laurie was very different indeed.
Then Laurie shivered; was he only considering all of this because of where he was, and he didn’t mean this hotel. How much had life around these relatives changed him, not that they had done anything for…. Laurie shut his eyes tightly as a sharp pain traveled from his gut to his heart. He had purposely not spoken about Seth, other than to answer Stanford’s initial query, that shock therapy was still being administered, not that Laurie had seen his cousin since those treatments had begun. Laurie hadn’t been to the hospital all week, although he would swear that the hawk had followed him. Or maybe he just couldn’t get the creature from his mind. That bird was special, and for a second, Laurie considered driving to the hospital to show it to Stanford. But if Laurie went to the Kerr Hospital, how great would be the temptation to step inside, give his name, then amble down the corridor until he reached….
That thought was interrupted by gentle caresses, which Laurie coveted. Within moments he was making love with the only person who had satisfied him, but satisfaction was a weak manner in which to describe all the joy that Stan had brought to Laurie’s life. How had they known, all those years ago, to indeed strive for such delight, to break conventional rules, to choose to live together even. Laurie hadn’t pushed for that; he would have been happy going between apartments, but Stanford had insisted, hiring Agatha to run the household while they went about the usual routines of work. Marriage had never been broached, they had simply found a way to make their own happiness, and their families had quietly embraced them as a couple, as had their best friends.
“Have you heard from Eric and Lynne lately?” Laurie smiled, for he’d received a snapshot of Jane just that week, and the news that Lynne could feel the baby. She hadn’t written much else, the note had been merely a token of her friendship, which had surprised Sheila, although she thought Jane was adorable. Laurie hadn’t shied away from sharing that photograph, for the Snyders were his and Stan’s closest friends. He chuckled inwardly at that notion, then wondered what it signified. He and Stan had been together for seventeen years, and had never permitted anyone but relatives to share in their domestic bliss. But Laurie felt very strongly about Lynne and Eric, and Jane of course. He loved them, which made him laugh, then wince. Had they made such inroads due to the loss of…. Maybe, Laurie shrugged. Stanford hadn’t needed more than his father and Agatha, but Laurie required additional people. Stanford did too, Laurie smirked, then he sighed, but not in sorrow. Despite their extended families, they had been much like Eric and Lynne used to be, just two people against the world. But now…. Laurie smiled, not thinking of his blood family, but of that forged by other ties. Perhaps the Snyders would take the place of…. Then Laurie kissed Stanford, who responded warmly. They didn’t make love, but nestled closely, allowing Laurie to set aside all other relations. “I love you so much,” he said. “You don’t know how glad I am you came down here.”
Stanford sighed. “Not that I’ve seen much of M
iami. Maybe we’re still in Manhattan.”
“Maybe.” Laurie traced Stanford’s chest. “Do you wanna do some sightseeing?”
“It might be nice to take a drive today. I’ve never been here before, you know.”
Laurie had closed his eyes, lost in the blissful peace that often accompanied the twosome when at home in this state. He would never again take those mornings, afternoons, and evenings for granted. But something in Stan’s tone stirred Laurie, and he opened his eyes, finding Stan looking pensive. “No, I didn’t know you’d never been here before.” Laurie sat up, staring at Stanford. He no longer looked young, what with wrinkles edging his eyes and lining his brow. “Stan, what is it?”
If he said that he wanted to visit Seth, Laurie wouldn’t know how to react, for Stanford had never previously sought such company, or not when Seth was so ill. But something was troubling this man and Laurie set his palm along Stanford’s face. “Is everything okay at home?”
Stanford sat up, sighing as he did so. He gazed at Laurie, then looked around the room. He kept his eyes on the door. “Everything’s fine. It’s just that my back’s a little sore and….” He sighed again, then fiddled with the sheet. “It would be nice to see some of the area. Dad will ask what it was like down here and….”
Laurie nodded, for Michael would inquire, not that Stanford’s sisters would. They might not even know their brother had flown south. Agatha did, but she wouldn’t question Stanford, other than to note she was glad he went. Had Stan told Eric he was traveling? Laurie would write about this to Lynne, for it would make for something novel to put into a letter. He loathed having to tell her and Eric about Seth’s latest setback. Or maybe Stanford had mentioned it. “Did you tell the Snyders you were coming down here?”
“What?” Stanford seemed to shirk back, then he shook his head. “Of course I didn’t tell them.”
“Well, I just wondered.” Now Laurie sighed. “I’ll mention it to Lynne when I write her next.” Laurie shivered. “One of us needs to tell them about….” He trembled, hating even to think about it. Laurie swallowed hard, then continued. “About Seth. If nothing else, he needs their prayers more now than ever.”
Not that prayer had done much for Seth up to now, Laurie thought. Maybe the Snyders, and the Aherns too, needed to pray for something different. He always assumed they asked for healing, for which Laurie too had prayed. But maybe that was asking for too much. Perhaps an end to the suffering was a better way to phrase it, and not only Seth’s agony. That miserable ache fluttered within Laurie’s chest and again he closed his eyes, willing it as far down as was possible. Opening his eyes, he sighed, then gasped, finding tears edging the corners of Stanford’s eyes. Laurie grabbed him by the shoulders. “Stan, what the hell’s wrong?”
“Eric’s gone again. I don’t know where, but I haven’t spoken to him since right before Seth….” Stanford cleared his throat, then carefully removed Laurie’s hands from his shoulders. But he didn’t release those hands, grasping them tenderly. “Not since Seth went into Kerr. That’s been over six weeks, six weeks since….” Placing Laurie’s hands on the bed, Stanford used the sheet to wipe his face. “I’ve written to Lynne, I guess I wanted her to know that I’m aware he’s not there. She hasn’t replied yet, and to be honest, I don’t know if I want her to.” Stanford inhaled deeply, letting it out slowly. “I have no idea what’s wrong with him, and I really thought after Jane, well, I assumed everything was fine. But now I have no idea.” Stanford’s shoulders slumped, and he shook his head. “I wasn’t going to tell you, you have enough to deal with. I just….” Now Stanford trembled. “I just don’t understand what’s happening.”
Laurie shivered, his first thoughts to Lynne and Jane, then he wondered about Sam and Renee. Then he gazed at the man sitting in a near heap on the bed. Laurie couldn’t fathom a single reason why again Eric had disappeared, but it wasn’t only his immediate family to suffer. Well, they ached most, but Stanford looked ashen, also sick to his stomach. Laurie got out of bed and went to the bathroom, bringing back a glass of water. He gave it to Stanford and he drank most of it. Then Laurie set the cup on the bedside table, sitting next to Stanford. “I had no idea he was gone. Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”
Stanford again shook his head. “What was I going to say? And it’s not like I have actual proof, but….” His voice trembled. “But where the hell is he? She needs him and so does his daughter, and damnit Laurie, I don’t need this on top of everything else. Neither do you.” Stanford stroked Laurie’s cheek. “What in God’s name is it with that man? His wife’s pregnant and he was working on Sam’s portrait and, and….”
“I have no idea honey.” Rare were the times Laurie employed such an endearing term, but Stanford seemed near to collapse. Laurie’s heart felt equally heavy, and something Stan had said stuck in the back of his head. He didn’t ruminate on that, however, for now Stan was weeping, covering his face with his hands. Laurie got into bed beside him, cradling a man who rarely broke down. He had after his mother had ceased to remember him, that had been several years ago. Laurie had never forgotten that night, as though Constance had passed away long before her demise. Stanford hadn’t wept for her since, other than a few random tears at the funeral. Maybe this breakdown was due to more than Eric’s recent disappearance. Stanford could be detached, but his heart wasn’t a stone.
As Stanford’s tears fell, Laurie crooned how much he loved him, that it would be all right. Then he sighed, uncertain about many things. And that niggle in the back of his brain ached too, but not in the manner of how deep was the pain within Laurie’s heart. This was the consequence Stanford had always feared, how in caring for someone a risk was taken. Stanford had been willing to take a chance on Laurie, but youth and lust had diminished the sense of danger. Now Stan was older and far less trusting. Yet the Snyders had found their way beyond his wall to a place that Laurie now felt was battered. Eric, Lynne, and Jane had teamed up against this usually staid man, and with Seth at their side, a good pounding was taking place. It wasn’t at all fair, but if Lynne was shouldering parenthood and pregnancy on her own, not to mention all that Seth was enduring…. But like Stanford, Laurie was bothered by this latest news. What in the world could have torn Eric from his family?
Once Stanford had calmed, Laurie retrieved another glass of water. Stan drank it, then blew his nose several times. Laurie moved back to his side of the bed while Stanford took several deep breaths. Then Stanford got up. “I’m going to shower. Then maybe we can get some….” He glanced at the clock. “Good God, it’s nearly noon.”
“Lunch would be wonderful. Then we’ll drive around, see where we land. Go on, I’ll get in after you.”
Stanford nodded, then headed for the bathroom. Laurie felt chilled, then he shook his head. As the water started, Laurie gathered clothes, placing them at the foot of the bed. Then he trembled; what if Eric had found fatherhood too great a burden? Maybe he had checked himself into an institution. It was the only notion Laurie could imagine, that somehow Eric’s tortured upbringing had been stirred by the coming baby. Laurie felt sick to his stomach, then walked into the bathroom. But he didn’t lift the toilet seat, for as soon as the humidity hit him, a more soothing sensation emerged.
For the first time in weeks, Laurie wasn’t alone. And he was near the only person who calmed his racing heart. “Stan, you okay?”
“Uh-huh.”
Now Laurie smiled, for that response sounded normal. Then Laurie chuckled. “So, is there room for me in there?”
“Well yes, I believe there is.”
“Good.” Inhaling warm, damp air, Laurie exhaled unpleasant, mysterious queries. Placing Eric alongside Seth, Laurie pulled back the shower curtain and stepped into the tub, returning the curtain as a shield of sorts. For the next several minutes, Laurie and Stanford only knew pleasure. They could consider less agreeable notions later.
Chapter 127
The Hawk: Part Seven Page 7
