Was it? Or was that who Micah thought I was? The role I played for him?
I wanted someone to know the real me but still believed anyone would be repulsed by what they found. There was simply too much truth in my past, and I didn’t want those secrets tarnishing my future. It would always be better to keep the carefully fabricated illusion in place instead of facing reality when it came to my background. Believing that allowed me to fall into my usual role.
“You always take care of me,” I whispered, realizing I couldn’t risk losing him right now.
“Until the day you no longer let me, Avery. That’s a promise. Let’s have dinner tonight.”
I was supposed to watch a movie with Noah, but after Micah bailed me out, I didn’t have the heart to tell him no. “I’d love to.”
After thanking Micah again, I made a call to alert my mother that I had the money. A few more calls and an appointment was set to replace her old boiler. Unfortunate didn’t begin to explain my disappointment that someone needed to be present for the installation, and a clear path was required to deliver the appliance and remove the old one. Despite all my efforts to resolve this and keep my hands clean, I was going to have to go home this weekend.
By the time Noah got home from work, I was drained and fighting a headache, but I forced myself to go to his place and break our plans in person.
When I told him I had to cancel our plans, he was pissed. I figured he would be, but not to such an extent.
“It’s Friday. We had a date.”
“We were watching a movie in your living room.”
“It’s still a date.”
“Well, I have to work.”
He scowled. “So you’re breaking our date to go out with someone else.”
“Noah.”
He held out his hands. “What’s going on, Avery?”
I didn’t want to explain all the details of my shitty family life to him and the hoops I had to jump through just to pretend my situation was normal. “Nothing. God, can you just give me one night to myself without making it about you.” Okay, that might have been too far. “I’m sorry—”
He held up his hands and took a step back, literally backing off. “Go. Go do your job, Avery. It is what it is.” He loosened his tie and tossed it on the counter.
“Don’t say it like that. I need money, Noah. I have to live.”
He reached into his pocket and pulled out a wad of cash, flicking bills onto the granite countertop. Glaring at me, he snapped, “How much do I have to pay to get a Friday night with you? One hundred? Two?”
I drew back as if he’d slapped me. The pile accumulated. Twenties. Fifties. Each one a filthy insult that cut like a razor blade into my heart.
I shoved the money off the counter. “Fuck you!”
“Like that’s ever going to happen when you pass your weekends with other men!”
“Oh, like you never get a shot at me on any other day of the week! What the hell is wrong with you tonight?”
“I don’t want you going out with other men!”
“Well, it’s my fucking job, so too bad!”
His eyes darkened, his breath quickening. That familiar predatory gleam flashed in his eye, and he reached for me.
I lurched back. “Don’t even try it.”
The jerk just threw money at me and made me feel like a common whore. There was no way he was touching me. I pivoted and marched out of his kitchen.
“Avery, wait!”
“Screw you, asshole.” I kept walking, and he didn’t cross the hall after me.
My fury didn’t subside as I put on my makeup to get ready for my date with Micah. Then I had to do it all over again because my rage somehow morphed into tears. All I could picture was Noah tossing money at me. How could he insult me like that? Judge me?
When Micah arrived, I did my best to hide my emotions, but he always watched me a little too closely. The best I could do was lie and make him think my mood had to do with my family problems.
We had a quiet dinner on the Moshulu and then caught a winter concert in Penn’s Landing. By the time we made it back to my building, I was frozen to the bone and ready to curl into bed until Sunday.
Micah walked me up while Winston kept an eye on his car. I was glad he hadn’t parked because I couldn’t deal with any decision-making or pressure tonight.
When we reached my door, he took my key and opened the lock. “I think you need a weekend to yourself, love. Some time to think about your situation and where you want to be in a few months.”
I definitely needed to start thinking about that. It was almost February, and it would be May before I knew it.
“I think you’re right.”
He smiled, and I stilled, not used to seeing his face wearing any sort of telling expression. “Sweet dreams, Avery.”
“Goodnight, Micah.”
He leaned down, and I assumed he would press a kiss to my cheek or brush one across my mouth, but as his full lips closed over mine, I sucked in a sharp breath, and he took my surprise as an invitation to deepen the kiss, pulling my body into his and pressing a hand to my lower back.
The door across the hall crashed open, and I flinched, jerking out of Micah’s arms.
“What. The. Fuck?”
“Noah,” I gasped, wanted to explain that I hadn’t asked him to kiss me, but unable to find the words.
He seethed in his doorway, shoulders heaving and fists clenched at his sides. “She say you could fucking touch her?”
Micah faced him and adjusted his cufflinks, his face a composed mask of indifference. “I think you should go back where you came from, boy.”
“I’m not your fucking boy, and she’s not your fucking girl.”
“Noah, stop!”
“Avery, shut up!”
Micah stepped in front of me, and his voice boomed, “You’ll want to apologize to her right now.”
“How about I call the cops and have your ass thrown out of here.”
Micah chuckled. “That might be interesting. Give them a call.”
“You think I won’t?”
“No, I believe you’re ignorant enough to do something like that. Not much they can do, being as it’s my building.”
My gaze jerked to Micah, but he wasn’t looking at me. He owned the building? I thought he just rented my apartment.
This new information didn’t appear to deter Noah’s anger. “Then maybe I’ll drag you out of here myself.”
Micah took a quick step forward. “Go ahead and try. I’ll have you on the ground before you get one hand on me.”
Noah roared and barreled forward.
I screamed, jumping back and covering my mouth as Micah moved so fast I heard the clash of their bodies. The terrible smash of flesh hitting flesh and pained grunts filled the hall.
“Stop it!”
Noah’s body flung against the wall hard enough that the lights in the antique sconces flickered, his eyes unfocused as he slid to the ground.
Oh, my God, he went down like a sack of rocks.
“What did you do?” I ran to Noah, trying to get his eyes to focus on me. I cupped his jaw and glared at Micah. “Why did you do that?”
“I warned him.” He gave his sleeve a negligent tug.
Disappointment welled in my chest, competing with the ache of concern for Noah. The Micah I knew would never overreact like that. I brushed a shaky hand across Noah’s brow, lifting his hair so I could see his eyes.
“Noah, look at me. Open your eyes.”
Blood coated his teeth as he blinked up at me. “You … kissed him.”
I shook my head, but I couldn’t deny the accusations. I knew I didn’t start it, but that was a stupid technicality, and I could have stopped it the second I realized what was happening. Instead, I let it happen.
“I’m sorry.”
“Avery, you should go inside,” Micah’s voice was cold and absolute.
I turned and scowled. “No. You can leave.”
He stilled and raised a brow. “Think before you speak, Avery.”
I suddenly felt like a child with absolutely no power. I looked down at Noah. His gaze heavy, a blood vessel bursting into the white of his eye.
Shifting to sit up, he winced and cradled his ribs. “Don’t listen to him, Avery. Don’t let him tell you what to do.”
“Avery.” Micah’s tone grew impatient.
“I just want to get him away from you,” I whispered. “Then I’ll come back.”
“If you go with him, he wins.”
He’d already won. Noah was on the floor. How had things taken such a turn so fast? My vision blurred as I blinked down at him, truly regretting that he was on the floor after trying to defend my honor. I had no honor.
“I’m sorry.”
He shut his eyes, his face pinching in obvious pain. He grabbed my wrist as I moved to stand. “Make him leave.”
I glanced back at Micah, who wore a look of displeasure. “Get off the floor, Avery.”
Micah wouldn’t leave until he saw me safely in my apartment, and Noah gone. Everything inside of me wanted to stay with Noah and make sure he was okay. His eye was bleeding, and he might have a concussion. This was all my fault.
I looked back at Micah again and wondered what he would do if I told him to go. He was angry and the longer I crouched in front of the man who just tried to attack him, the more his irritation showed.
He’d bailed me out today. I lived in his apartment, his building. My entire wardrobe was his doing, from the pins in my hair to the designer shoes on my feet. It was supposed to be for my independence, but I never felt more indebted to someone in my life.
I shut my eyes, forcing my tears away. “Noah… I have to go with him. I’ll come take care of you as soon as he—”
A pained chuckle rumbled in his chest where his arm cradled his ribs. “Do you know the story of the scorpion and the frog?”
“What?” He was delirious.
“The scorpion and the frog. The scorpion asks the frog for a ride across the river and promises not to sting the frog. Halfway there the scorpion stings the frog, and the frog begins to drown. Just before he draws his last breath, he looks up at the scorpion he trusted and asks why. The scorpion replies, it’s my nature.”
“Why are you telling me this?”
“Because I should have known better.” He gave up trying to sit up and slouched against the wall.
Chills crawled over my limbs. Was I the scorpion? Some horrible little creature that couldn’t be trusted?
He shut his eyes. “Your date’s waiting.”
Noah rolled to his feet and grunted, taking three unsteady steps to his door and leaving me confused, on my knees. He didn’t look back, and Micah didn’t help me up.
When Noah’s door closed, I just stared at it. So many men in my life, yet I never felt more unloved or unlovable.
“Avery, get up off the floor and come inside.”
I shook my head, my heart hardening and cracking like ice. “I can’t … be around you right now, Micah. I need you to leave.”
“Avery, this isn’t how we behave. This isn’t how you behave. Get up off the floor.”
I blinked up at him, and a tear fell from my lashes. “You beat up my friend.”
“That man is not your friend.” He stepped closer and held out a hand. “Come on, love. I’ll take you inside.”
But Noah was my friend. He cared about me. He left me funny little love notes and flowers. We danced in the snow and made love on a bed of roses. He understood me. Maybe a little too well.
And then he called me a scorpion.
I shut my eyes and slid my hand into Micah’s as he pulled me off the ground. Was that what I was? Poisonous? Toxic? Was that why I had no friends and why my siblings all left and never called to see if I was okay?
Maybe Noah was right, and this was my nature. Maybe that’s why Micah seemed so certain people like me were better off contracting their relationships rather than trying to form organic ones.
I couldn’t afford to burn another bridge. I stood and brushed the dust off the hem of my dress. I glanced at the floor. “My purse?”
“I have it.” Micah put an arm around me and escorted me inside.
It seemed natural to simply shut off. The reality was too sharp and could only bear a dull throb right now, or I’d crack. Lowering my gaze to the floor, I followed him inside.
32
Avery
I stared at my lap as Micah ran water in my kitchen. My stomach swirled with a nasty mix of fear and self-loathing. Noah was across the hall, bloody and furious. And I was here—with Micah.
He called me a scorpion, one of the most duplicitous creatures on this earth. A venomous, arachnid predator, so married to its nature, it was doomed to live a life barren of friendship.
I glanced up as Micah’s tailored pants filled my view. Dressed in a designer suit, dark skin pampered to perfection, he did not look like the lethal weapon that emerged only minutes ago when Noah charged at him. The man didn’t have a scratch on him, yet Noah could barely open his eyes.
He settled across from me, lowering his weight onto the coffee table. “Your makeup’s running.”
I blinked as he gently angled my chin and traced a warm, wet washcloth across my cheek. His touch was tender, nurturing, and so contrary to the man he was a few minutes ago.
“There are people in our lives, Avery…” He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear and continued to wash away my ruined makeup. “…who we feel an attachment to, but need to cut off for our own good.”
He could be referring to Noah or my mother. Both had drained my emotional reservoir. My mother’s demand for money was infuriating, mostly because I went through hell to help her so many times and she couldn’t even spare a thank you.
But Noah … that look in his eyes as he turned away from me five minutes ago… It depleted something inside of me, something I was already low on and needed very much.
Micah’s dark eyes looked into mine, always so patient and guiding. They were wise eyes.
“I know it’s hard to cut people out, Avery. I have friends from the Badlands, friends I’ve known since childhood and loved very much, but it’s for my own good that I don’t see them anymore.”
The Badlands were in North Philly, between Kensington and Broad and not a place anyone wanted to get stranded. An open-air drug market, segmented by dingy buildings, streets covered in litter, and abandoned lots people now overlooked like birthmarks. Even sunlight was sparse on the Badlands, as the rails ran overhead casting shadows in the day and whining with the constant rattle and screech of trains.
Micah didn’t look like a person who belonged there. He looked like the shiny politician that promised to clean up the community. But no politician had made that failing vow in a long time. Many believed the Badlands were unsalvageable. It seemed Micah felt the same, lumping the people and the place into one.
“Did you live there?”
“Until I was seventeen. One day, I woke up and decided I could leave and find a better life or stay and die in a place where life seems impossible, and death is so common it’s often overlooked. I wanted to mean something in this world, so I packed a bag and got as far as I could. I had a few dollars on me, but not enough to rent a room or take a cab. I slept on the streets for a bit. I did some unsavory things to make money. But by the time I was twenty-four, that kid I left behind was gone. I don’t think about him much. I no longer resemble him or recognize him as me. And I certainly have no desire to revisit the world he left behind. But I didn’t just abandon my home. I lost some people I loved. I had no choice. If I wanted to get out permanently, I had to make that the final goodbye.”
“Are you telling me this because of the money I borrowed?”
Micah knew very little about my upbringing in Blackwater, but he knew enough to recognize the similarities in our backgrounds.
“You didn’t borrow that money, Avery. I gave it to you, and I don’t wa
nt you bringing it up again. Understand?”
I nodded even if I didn’t fully agree. That money went beyond our agreement. But that had been a situation I couldn’t resolve on my own. It humiliated me to ask him, but, as always, he was a gentleman.
“I’m telling you this because you have a good heart. That’s going to get you in trouble if you don’t stick to your plan. You have less than one semester left. The world is about to open up to you. I’ve watched you recreate yourself for three years. You’re not that mousey girl from Blackwater anymore. Avery Mudd is gone. You’re Avery Johansson now, a woman who knows the taste of fine champagne, the feel of Egyptian sheets, and all the luxuries she deserves. Look around. This is who you are. Don’t tie yourself to those who can’t fathom how far you’ve come.”
My brow pinched as my gaze skated over the crown moldings and granite countertops. Yes, Avery Johansson earned all of this. But Avery Dean Mudd lived here too.
She was the uncultured, little girl who dressed up in high heels and fancy clothes and pretended to be someone better when no one important was looking. Avery Mudd wasn’t a woman at all, just a scared little girl wishing to be loved.
Noah didn’t love me. He liked fucking me. I liked fucking him, too, so it worked. But he was my friend—had been. As much as I didn’t want him to see who I was hiding inside, a part of me wished for the courage to show him. The fear of losing him held me back. But that wasn’t an issue anymore.
Just like I warned, he drew a line in the sand and made me choose between him and work. He didn’t realize how much I was indebted and that I couldn’t simply walk away. Maybe I was the fool for thinking I was in control of my life.
Every thought of him hurt my heart until the pressure in my chest became unbearable. “If you mean Noah, I don’t think he’ll be interfering in my life after what just happened.”
“He’ll be back—once his ego heals. But this time don’t be so quick to let him in, Avery. Sometimes detours only lead to trouble.”
I had some decisions to make. Micah had been patient since making his offer, but he wouldn’t tolerate being put off for another man, especially one I had an emotional involvement with. And if Noah was right and I was just a scorpion, maybe the wisest thing I could do would be to take Micah up on his offer.
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